Post your own lyrics here(constructive crticism only)

[MirLong]

Thought it'd be interesting to see how many people write songs around here. I'll post a few after I look them up on my journal.

[leave_me_icarus]

here are two songs of mine, i'd like some criticism on them, i don't care if it's just mean, my ego doesn't bruise easily, dont worry. haha.

clap the sky!

recorded by myself in the studio at UNR. instruments and voice are all me.

tell me if i should post the lyrics here.
x

[Rune]

I'll post a couple. I've been a writing spree recently, in a different style than usual, but let's see what I have on this computer. (a lot of my stuff isn't typed.)

Frayed Embroidery

I can't take this anymore
This betrayal of my trust
I shouldn't need two hands to count
The guys you've been with while with me
This is the last song I will write you
Though I love you  beyond words
It just seems incomprehensible
To never see you like this again

And you'll never hear me sing this
Unless you listen to this song
'Cause I won't be there to sing it
In your room, or in your ear
No acoustical performances
Or simple vocal lines
No, no more of that now
Because we're done.

But this frayed embroidery
Only shows what still could be:
A collaspe around the edges
And revoking of our vows
"To be with each other always
And forever, for all days"
And I'd rather that not happen
So I'm leaving you today

So I'm afraid I'll never see you
Because you'll hate me after this
Though I know deep down inside
That you'll forgive me
And I'm afraid I'll want to see you
Even though this needs to end
So if I call you up tomorrow
Talk with me

And still this frayed embroidery
Only shows what still could be:
A collaspe around the edges
And revoking of our vows
"To be with each other always
And forever, for all days"
And I'd rather that not happen
So I'm leaving you today

How 'bout we think about the good times, not the bad.
And maybe think about those times when I didn't make you mad.
But four letters on this fabric only serve to open wounds
With its lovely simple letters: V, W, L, and M.

And this frayed embroidery...
Yes, this frayed embroidery....
Only serves to show me just what is to come
If I let my heart lead me in what to say


Reflections In A Tarnished Mirror

Sometimes it's hard to see just what we're aiming for
Sometimes it's hard to see just why I'm even still here on this earth
I just need to know why, why I hate myself
As much as you hate me

A simple mistake is all it takes to see your life come crashing down
A memory loss is all it takes to make this all seem right
A giant fall is all you need to call yourself a failure and
A liquid threat is all you need to drink yourself to death

Sometimes it's hard to see just what we're aiming for
Sometimes it's hard to see just why I'm even still here on this earth
I just need to know why, why I hate myself
As much as you hate me

A chance to leave it all behind is up before you now
It's time to choose an answer -- is this what you want, well yes or no?
You need to make your mind up -- is this really worth it?
Or are you living life the way you always wanted to?

Remove it all to see yourself the way you truly are
Throw it all away to show yourself the world
It takes a lot of time to wake up from this worthless dream
You need to let yourself be free...

Sometimes it's hard to see just what we're aiming for
Sometimes it's hard to see just why I'm even still here on this earth
I just need to know why, why I hate myself
As much as you hate me
As much as you hate me
As much as you hate me


New Light Rising

I've been standing here for a long time
Waiting here and watching you
Everything I see, everything I hear
Reminds me that the memories will fade

I've waited here to see you
I've wanted this for so long
Now I'll finally get the chance
To watch you fall

Let's go sit on the sidelines
Watch the stars fade from the sky
As the new light arises above us
The dawning of a new day
Let's go sit on the sidelines
Watch the stars fade from the sky
As the new light rises above us
The dawning of a new day

It's finally time to end this
See your face up on the wall
Nothing left between us now
No reason to see you at all
Let's take some time and settle
All our buisness that's undone
And let it go and let it be
It's finally time for me

I've waited here to see you
I've wanted this for so long
Now I'll finally get the chance
To watch you fall

Let's go sit on the sidelines
Watch the stars fade from the sky
As the new light arises above us
The dawning of a new day
Let's go sit on the sidelines
Watch the stars fade from the sky
As the new light rises above us
The dawning of a new day

[spoken]I've waited. I've wanted. I've hoped this day would come. I've waited. I've wanted. And now your time has come.

Let's go sit on the sidelines
Watch the stars fade from the sky
As the new light arises above us
The dawning of a new day
Let's go sit on the sidelines
Watch the stars fade from the sky
As the new light rises above us
The dawning of a new day


That's about 3/5 or so of the EP I'm going to put out hopefully by June. One of the other songs isn't typed up yet (it's actually sitting in the trunk of my car) and the other is lyricless right now. I'd actually love a bit of criticism on them, and when I get a couple demos (I actually have a version of New Light that's half-decent, and I may or may not have the others (one on a bootleg tape I made when we played Reflections live, the other an ancient crappy acoustic recording)) I'd be looking for something on those too.

[leave_me_icarus]

what do you use to record with Rune?
x

[Rune]

Soundblaster Live! 5.1. I patch my guitar directly in. Same with bass and microphone. For drums...well, I use fruityloops because I don't have a kit here, but I'm going to get my friend to play for a couple tracks for me. That or just use various objects I have lying around.

It's better than what I used to use -- a standard computer mic (ugh) on an SoundBlaster AWE64 (ugh) and Goldwave (ugh). That was a pain in the ass.

[MirLong]

This Time, This Place

Everybody just keeps on walking by, and a not a single person looks me in the eye. Try to catch a cab but it keeps on driving by. I'm stuck in this time, this place. And i'll never forget the change, on that dreary, cold, december day. Remembering the last time I saw his face. Everything familiar took on a different shade. Left with these words I never got to say. I'm stuck in this time this place, this memory.

Addiction

iving day by day
Saying things you never thought you'd say
Doing things you never thought you'd do
Whatever it takes to pull through
Can't tell the difference between lies and truth
It just won't let go of you

An itch you can't scratch
A foe you can't conquer
A room with no doors
Nothing else matters

So pop your pills and shoot your dope
You don't care about anything anymore
Can't go one day without that rush
More and more it's never enough
Facing reality is just too much
You think yoiu can stop whenever you want

A mountain you can't climb
A habit that won't die
A locked door with no key
Wishing you could be set free

Addiction...Affliction...No cure for this condition

Inhumanized

A new generation
Of pure inhumaniztion
Desensitized to the traumatized
Where the nice guy cant even reach the finish line
World wide atrocities
In the name of capitalistic democracy
Where the only free speech allowed is to yourself
Patriotism based on conformism
Loyalty at the cost of the innocent
A part of history soon to be glorified
The deaths of many shall be denied
Taking an eye for an eye
We've left the world blind
We're the new generation
Made of pure inhumanizatio

[KharBevNor]

What style would those be sung in MirLong? Or have they no specific genre? I always try and think of one when I'm writing lyrics.

The New-Age Antichrist
(Punk)

In this modern world
We see a new flag unfurled
A new dogma being forged
A new God with daily prayers engorged

The new God is clean
The new God is green
The new God has might
The new God is right

And we are the new antichrist

See the new commandments set in stone
Buy and sell and thus shall ye atone
And in this darkest hour we're alone
New burning-witches for a modern Rome

Can you hear what they say?
We're mad, uncouth
A disparate youth
Anarchists in Satan's pay

But Lucifer is dead
The dark angel's blood is bled
His body to the fires fed
And in the halls I hear it said

That we are the new antichrist

Anathema of greed
Enemies of the creed
Hellish and unholy breed
Truly afeared and truly free

Anti-capitalist
Antichrist
Pro-socialist
Antichrist
Anti-fascist
Antichrist

We are your new-age Antichrist
We are your new-age Antichrist
(repeat till fade)

The Descent of Man
(Black Metal)

Vapid in your chairs you sit
Transfixed by cathode rays
Airwaves clogged with filth and shit
Anything that pays
You'll lounge there till you're dust and ash
Minds all clogged with petty trash
A 'Culture' smeared in your face
By (an) electronic master race.

The descent of man
From free will to sedation
The descent of man
To mass-media predation
The descent of man
To despair from elation
The descent of man
The masters of creation!?

Supreme pinnacle of evolution?
What a fucking joke!
We can't create a single thing
but fire, death and smoke,
Holocausts of ashes
Marking the graven tombs
How many great men and women
Never made it past the womb?

The descent of man
From free will to sedation
The descent of man
To mass-media predation
The descent of man
To despair from elation
The descent of man
The masters of creation!?

Spirits crushed by structures of order and control
Philosophical dictatorships
Have colonised your soul
Telling who to love and hate
Telling when life to create
You'll never sigh and breathe free air
And guess what my friend?

No one fucking cares.

The descent of man
From free will to sedation
The descent of man
To mass-media predation
The descent of man
To despair from elation
The descent of man
The masters of creation!?

[Things don't fit]

here are two songs of mine, i'd like some criticism on them, i don't care if it's just mean, my ego doesn't bruise easily, dont worry. haha.

clap the sky!

recorded by myself in the studio at UNR. instruments and voice are all me.

tell me if i should post the lyrics here.
x

I know this is my first post and all, and I don't know what kind of hazing rituals you guys have here or anything, but oh well.

I think you need to go back at the songs and fit the different parts together, the guitar and piano in the second song do not fit well at some parts at all. In the first song, you've got to fit your voice to the guitar better. Your voice sounds like you're unsure of yourself. POssibly record the vocals and guitar separately?

[KharBevNor]

I don't know what kind of hazing rituals you guys have here or anything

Bring forth the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers!

[Johnny C]

We lost the frogs. All we have are the cuddly, cuddly teddy bears. Sorry.

Anyway, I am somewhat of an amateur songwriter, having written and recorded almost two hours worth of material since I started taking guitar. Here is a sample of the sort of stuff I have been writing in the last five months.


Outside

Your footsteps outside
My bedroom window
Shallow imprints
In the dirt
Your fingerprints like
Small Zen gardens
On the collar
Of my shirt

(chorus)
Oh what's ahead
Oh what's inside
Nobody knows
Oh God it looks like suicide

Your car parked outside
My beachfront doorway
Heard driving off
In the night
Your billowing dress
And reddened gloves
Reportedly made
Quite a sight


At Home And Abroad

in the wiggle of your hips
and the gloss around your lips there are waves from a ship
i'm gonna take you on a trip
to a dark distant land
flying mountains, shining land
close your eyes and take my hand
baby yeah, it will be grand, oh

(chorus)
i am your man
i simply ask for this love in return
i am your man
set your life on fire, watch it burn

just get ready for tonight
we are on this isle right
and there's not a soul in sight
so reach over for the light
as we wait upon this shore
hear the siren from the moon
and as the sun sinks lower
yeah, baby, it's all yours, oh

Oh,

Let it,

Go


If you click the link in my sig, my website has a section of music which is kind of indicative of the tunes I make (though a bunch were during my more pop-punkish phase). "March Of Time," to the best of my memory, is the only original with lyrics.

[MirLong]

Nope, no genre to my lyrics, I just write whatever comes to mind in school. Then once i get home i edit them around a little.

[Rune]

I find it difficult to edit my works. I usually write spur-of-the-moment instead of taking time to think things out, and I usually get interesting results. All three of the things I posted above are of that style, and some other random poetry is like that too. In the case of one of my poems, (which is...450 lines? Maybe longer? I can't remember off the top of my head.) it was done like that over the course of a couple days. I'd take it out, write, put it away. Etc. I find things are more...personal and out in the open that way. Or something.

[MirLong]

I don't edit them so much as figure out a better sounding word for certain things.