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Poem, assuming this is the right place

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KibBen:
Go ahead and post it. I'll read it and comment, I promise. I'm not sure if anyone else will, but that's okay.

(Ps: I'll make EXTRA comments if you go to my deviantart and comment on some of the poetry there!)

ruyi:
hey kids!

poetry.tetto.org

poetry critique site. admittedly, it's not moderated so well...so you will get some dumb comments. still. if you get your friends on there, they can critique pretty reliably. i can critique yours! my username is ruyi. hit me up there and i can help check out your stuff.

ruyi:
heh. i think i should critique your poem now d: my bad.

Time doesn't use a cookie cutter, dough boy
A pencil driven plot on banana flavored steroids
Sunday best dressed grandma kneeled on the floor "Lord
Lord almighty, why do you tell me the dark is frightening
I don't want love to look into my cold dead eyes
Lord, why do you make me afraid of my disguise?"

i like the rhythm of this, it reads fast in my head. you might want to rethink the first two lines - the images you create are kind of silly? whimsical? and they seem incongruent with the rest of the poem.

...but now that i reread it, i think you probably intended it as spoken word poetry or maybe lyrics to a song, in which case it works fine.

also i like the way it finishes, last line is rather nice.

'time doesn't use a cookie cutter' - truth.

Mobius_Logic:

--- Quote ---Go ahead and post it. I'll read it and comment, I promise. I'm not sure if anyone else will, but that's okay.

--- End quote ---


I just edited the first post so I wouldnt get a bunch of people commenting on my first poem.

And I shall be sure to comment on your poem, since you have been rather helpful for me.

KibBen:
:o

I haven't had dedicated poetry crits (excluding one wonderful girl I know in meatlife) since the poetry masterclass finished, in february! Yay! Praise be to Ruyi!

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