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[Mobius_Logic]

Time doesn't use a cookie cutter, dough boy
A pencil driven plot on banana flavored steroids
Sunday best dressed grandma kneeled on the floor "Lord
Lord almighty, why do you tell me the dark is frightening
I don't want love to look into my cold dead eyes
Lord, why do you make me afraid of my disguise?"


Give feedback, be brutal : )

[KibBen]

And my (Don't start with and. Unless you know what you're doing) oh my
Angels dont cry
They dont blink to rest there Please, oh god. Did you not proofread this at ALL? Their. Not there. tired eyes
Laid down on a cold ceramic bed {What's laid down? Their eyes, or the riddles?}
The riddles that were harder said
"What is peace" well who are we
Who are we to set the chain gang free
When litte hands
Turn to curled fists, (I'd insert a line break here. Better flow that way. ) making superficial demands.
Where theres a will theres a way
Thats what the flash-in-the-pan CEO's would say
With there (I say it again. Why God? Why?) rolex imitations, conspiracy inlay (Nice. I like that. Add a period here too.)
`Cause we're all equal in the eyes of bad luck.
Most people live their lives half stuck
In the front seat of an over compensating chevy truck
Some planes were built to crash
And some stains were spilt (not best word, I think) to last
`Cause your neighbor, my neighbor, he lived, he died
His last words an echo of humanitys motto
"Damn, now I wish I wasn't just on for the ride"


Interesting, thematically. However, it seems to change frequently just what the point of this poem is, and I get the impression you aren't entirely sure yourself. Some tightening and binding would do wonders with this. An excellent draft, now work on it some more!

[Mobius_Logic]

HELLZA THANK YOU'S!

You have no idea how hard it is to get constructive critism (well actually you probably do) it seems like everyone's either too lazy, or too scared to actuall say negative things about my writing.

The grammer, embarrassingly are due to my laziness, along with the "and" at the beggining of the poem, it was an excerpt from a larger piece.

I'll fix the grammer now and work on a draft later.

PS:Sorry for the really late response, my computer has been freaking out lately.

[KibBen]

No fear. And yes, I totally understand how hard it is to get crits. -_-

[Mobius_Logic]

I made a new one for anyone who cares.

[KibBen]

Go ahead and post it. I'll read it and comment, I promise. I'm not sure if anyone else will, but that's okay.

(Ps: I'll make EXTRA comments if you go to my deviantart and comment on some of the poetry there!)

[ruyi]

hey kids!

poetry.tetto.org

poetry critique site. admittedly, it's not moderated so well...so you will get some dumb comments. still. if you get your friends on there, they can critique pretty reliably. i can critique yours! my username is ruyi. hit me up there and i can help check out your stuff.

[ruyi]

heh. i think i should critique your poem now d: my bad.

Time doesn't use a cookie cutter, dough boy
A pencil driven plot on banana flavored steroids
Sunday best dressed grandma kneeled on the floor "Lord
Lord almighty, why do you tell me the dark is frightening
I don't want love to look into my cold dead eyes
Lord, why do you make me afraid of my disguise?"

i like the rhythm of this, it reads fast in my head. you might want to rethink the first two lines - the images you create are kind of silly? whimsical? and they seem incongruent with the rest of the poem.

...but now that i reread it, i think you probably intended it as spoken word poetry or maybe lyrics to a song, in which case it works fine.

also i like the way it finishes, last line is rather nice.

'time doesn't use a cookie cutter' - truth.

[Mobius_Logic]

Go ahead and post it. I'll read it and comment, I promise. I'm not sure if anyone else will, but that's okay.

I just edited the first post so I wouldnt get a bunch of people commenting on my first poem.

And I shall be sure to comment on your poem, since you have been rather helpful for me.

[KibBen]

I haven't had dedicated poetry crits (excluding one wonderful girl I know in meatlife) since the poetry masterclass finished, in february! Yay! Praise be to Ruyi!