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[jhocking]

She's obviously not as adamant as she claims about the blue-eyes because, well, she seems to like me okay. Although for all I know she bites her lip when she's all alone and wishes I had blue eyes too.

[Fenriswolf]

And that of course begs the question... if you have blued eyed kids, how sure can you be they are yours? 

[Nodaisho]

Bah, blue eyes are much prettier. Not as much as green, though.

Joe, how far back do you have to look to know that? Same question for hair color, if you know.

[KvP]

What if you had a child with a wicked blue-in-one-eye-brown-in-the-other deal?

[jhocking]

Joe, how far back do you have to look to know that? Same question for hair color, if you know.

Hair color is much more complicated than eye color so you pretty much can't predict that one. For eye color, well if a person has blue eyes then you definitely know their genotype. If you have brown eyes, then you might have to go back a couple generations to be sure of your genotype. In my case though it was enough to know that my dad has blue eyes; that along with the fact that I have brown eyes tells me for sure what my genotype is.

What if you had a child with a wicked blue-in-one-eye-brown-in-the-other deal?

I would send him into the mountains to be raised by kung-fu monks.

[tragic_pizza]

Re "partner:"

The church I used to work at as a youth director had an openly gay couple. One of the guys died after a long illness; because some of the youth group kids were young (and their parents were scary conservatives), I had a conversation with another member (also gay) about how to explain the survivor's loss.

She said, "tell them he lost his best friend."

I did.

One of the younger kids piped up, "are they gay?"

I told the truth, and was able to steer the conversation in a very positive way.

I don't think it had anything to do with me getting fired later...

[tania]

I agree no one can be 100% certain about not wanting kids.

yeah,i see what you mean here. still, i am about as close to 100% sure as someone can be that they do not want kids because even thinking about something being alive inside of me makes me nauseated and horrified and i routinely have horrible nightmares about being pregnant and giving birth and when i wake myself up it usually takes 10-15 minutes to calm down and stop shaking.
it isn't kids per se, i think i'd be okay with adopting. i just really, really can't be pregnant. i can't even deal with thinking about it. it is so scary. i've been terrified of being pregnant as long as i can remember, to the point where i feel like it must be some kind of phobia or something. i really can't foresee this changing anytime in the near future.

[Fenriswolf]

Hmm. I would bet it is a phobia. Interesting too since I'm nominally a vet nurse and find biology fascinating, and can sort of imagine being all happy over my own baby but frankly the idea of a ball of cells multiplying inside me, then attaching itself to my uterine wall and growing off me makes me feel physically sick. General feeling is FUCK THAT NO NOT IN MY BODY YOU DON'T.

So yeah, I feel ya.

[lprkn]

Man I want to get a poster of that for the toilet door.

Bristol stool chart money holder thingy on ebay.

[clockworkjames]

1994- letterman show- madonna says she pisses on her feet in the shower.

But she is an old lady now and that could just be incontinence.

[spoon_of_grimbo]

re: the pregnancy issue....

i read about THIS the other day, and immediately thought "damn, i'm glad i'm a guy!"

[Siibillam-Law]

What if you had a child with a wicked blue-in-one-eye-brown-in-the-other deal?

I had a mate who was like that. We kept making jokes like "That tie matches your eye, but not the other one" which neither we nor him found amusing.

He was a right sinister fucker too, like a Bond villain with a sense of humour

[Darkbluerabbit]

re: the pregnancy issue....

i read about THIS the other day, and immediately thought "damn, i'm glad i'm a guy!"

Episiotomies are actually a pretty crap procedure.  They talk about some of the problems with them in that Wikipedia page, but I've heard that they also slow healing post birth.  They seem like something to be avoided at all costs, unfortunately I know a person or two who requested specifically to NOT have it performed, but the doctor did it anyway.

[KvP]

If health class was accurate (and it might not have been, knowing our health classes) generally a woman is in enough pain during childbirth that she doesn't really notice the episiotomy being performed.

[Nodaisho]

I know a person or two who requested specifically to NOT have it performed, but the doctor did it anyway.

I'm pretty sure that should be against some sort of law. Isn't the patient supposed to have final say on anything being done to them?

[KvP]

re: the pregnancy issue....

i read about THIS the other day, and immediately thought "damn, i'm glad i'm a guy!"

Man, you're gonna love your colonoscopies.

[Rei]

i've been terrified of being pregnant as long as i can remember, to the point where i feel like it must be some kind of phobia or something.

Don't know what you'd call that one, but there's a similar phobia called Tokophobia.

[ruyi]

Hey dog, colonoscopies are for both genders who are 50 years or older. You're probably thinking of a rectal exam for checking the prostate.

But still, like, seriously? If you are a dude you get a thumb up your butt once in a while. Compare this to menstruating, pelvic exams, pregnancy, childbirth, mammograms, menopause, etc.

[KvP]

No no, I've had a colonoscopy to check for cancer, with the anaesthesia and the snakelight camera and everything, and I'm 22. It is unpleasant.

Not as unpleasant as kidney stone surgery, though. I've heard several women say it's worse than childbirth in their experience. THAT sucked.

[Dimmukane]

You can't eat for what, 36 hours, and have to take stuff that makes you get rid of everything in your system?  My parents both had theirs within a month of each other this year.  They basically just called a bathroom for a day which we weren't allowed to use for 8 hours or so.

[KvP]

Yeah. It's actually a lot less unpleasant than it used to be. When my mom got hers (also about my age, colon cancer runs in my family maybe?) back in the 70s they had her drink 2 fucking gallons of Milk of Magnesia in a day. For those of you who've never had it, it's a thick, chalky white mixture of salts and oils that clears out your innards. It's gag-inducing to say the least.

When I had mine I just had to ingest 12 cups of water mixed with a chemical that made it slightly more viscous than normal but didn't change the taste.

[J-cob9000]

Not wanting to talk shit*, I have one thing to say, this is the greatest thread in the whole world.

*See what I did thar?

[Patrick]

Heh, my mom got one done in Luxembourg, and they drugged her up real good to do it (understandable!). So for the next several hours after the procedure, she would just say the funniest shit.

[Fenriswolf]

Yeah. It's actually a lot less unpleasant than it used to be. When my mom got hers (also about my age, colon cancer runs in my family maybe?) back in the 70s they had her drink 2 fucking gallons of Milk of Magnesia in a day.

Ah! I have heard of this shit, and... ah! Still, fuck childbirth even compared to that. Not that I've done it but it varies a lot and is a lot more pleasant/unpleasant for some women than others.

I know a person or two who requested specifically to NOT have it performed, but the doctor did it anyway.

I'm pretty sure that should be against some sort of law. Isn't the patient supposed to have final say on anything being done to them?

Yeah probably, but how you gonna prove it? Shit like this is part of why I am absolutely unwilling to give birth (if circumstances changed such that I would do such a thing) in a hospital unless I'm going to die.

I mean I have a bit of a phobia of having someone else have control of my body/not having control myself in any circumstances anyway, hence the horror at the idea of being forced to keep a pregnancy (again with that I'd rather die than be forced against my will to bear a child) and doubly so in the case of doctors giving me drugs I don't want/making me give birth in a position I don't want to, etc etc.

[Nodaisho]

I guess you would have to ask with witnesses, or when they hand you the paperwork with anything they should know, insist on not having one. Then, if the doctor did anyway, you would have witnesses or written proof, to sue them/have them charged with.

[Fenriswolf]

I don't know eh. I've not heard of it in New Zealand but I have a fair amount in the US and from what I've gathered childbirth with no free healthcare can get pretty expensive as it is, let alone suing on top of it. Unfortunately I am low on facts.

I don't know, I don't really care how rare it is, the slightest chance is too much for me (I sort of envisage an "it's for their own good" argument and that's the end of that).

[KvP]

Hospitals lie about their procedures in paperwork all the time, so don't think you'll find evidence there. They'll probably charge you for things you didn't receive.

[Alex C]

I dunno, I've got a few relatives in the medical field who have dealt with kidney stone patients on a regular basis and "That was the worst thing ever" is an extremely common refrain. My mother believes it was WAY worse than giving birth, and when she had me it ended being a complicated, extended delivery that went from "We may have to do a c-section," to "Holy shit, we NEED to do a c-section," and an extended stay in the hospital for both of us.

[CardinalFang]

I dunno, I've got a few relatives in the medical field who have dealt with kidney stone patients on a regular basis and "That was the worst thing ever" is an extremely common refrain. My mother believes it was WAY worse than giving birth, and when she had me it ended being a complicated, extended delivery that went from "We may have to do a c-section," to "Holy shit, we NEED to do a c-section," and an extended stay in the hospital for both of us.

My sister-in-law has had both kidney stones and a child and according to her the childbirth was much more painful.

I've had 9 or 10 kidney stones. I really can't remember the number, it's all become a blur. Of those I've had maybe 6 or 7 lithotripsies, one passed on it's own, and one basket retrieval. The first lithotripsy was done without general anesthesia and sucked a lot even with the morphine they gave me. With the others and the basket retrieval I was well into la-la land and don't remember any of it.

I've also had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. Neither of those were bad. The worse part about the colonoscopy was the prep work. There's a whole lot of laxatives involved. In both cases I was again put in la-la land and don't remember the procedure itself.
What you want to avoid is a cystocopy. When I had mine I only received some topical numbing agent and the application of that was painful.

[Nodaisho]

Hospitals lie about their procedures in paperwork all the time, so don't think you'll find evidence there. They'll probably charge you for things you didn't receive.

Unless they have new medical procedures, it would be difficult to hide scars of an epi... that surgery that I can't remember how to spell. You suggesting they would hide that part of the paperwork? I suppose it could happen, but if evidence was found of some paperwork going missing that someone claims had a request on it that was ignored, that could look very bad. Remember, this is the country where someone successfully sued McDonalds for the coffee being hot. Might not be so easy in New Zealand.

If a "It's for their own good" argument won out in court, saying that doctors could do what they felt like they should to the patients, even against explicit requests, on no authority but their own, you have bigger problems than the convalescence period. That's a sign of an incoming dystopia.

[Ozymandias]

Remember, this is the country where someone successfully sued McDonalds for the coffee being hot.

The coffee was served at 190 degrees Fahrenheit, a good 20 degrees hotter than most coffee is served at. Stella Liebeck suffered third degree burns to her legs, thighs, butt, and groin in a matter of seconds. She was in the hospital for a week where she lost 30 pounds(she started at 118), had to have skin grafts, and further treatment for two years.

99.9% of hot coffee suits are thrown out. Hers was not.

[Jace]

My sister was 13 hours of labor ending in a c-section.
I was born in 24 minutes. No joke. My mom asked for drugs so she wouldn't feel the birth and the doctor handed her a baby.

Also, didn't Jack Thompson try to have a hot coffee law suit?

[Nodaisho]

Remember, this is the country where someone successfully sued McDonalds for the coffee being hot.

The coffee was served at 190 degrees Fahrenheit, a good 20 degrees hotter than most coffee is served at. Stella Liebeck suffered third degree burns to her legs, thighs, butt, and groin in a matter of seconds. She was in the hospital for a week where she lost 30 pounds(she started at 118), had to have skin grafts, and further treatment for two years.

99.9% of hot coffee suits are thrown out. Hers was not.

While that does suck, from what I could tell (wikipedia), her lawyer argued that it should have been cool enough that it would have caused those burns within 20 seconds, rather than 13-15 (though apparently someone proved that the temperature given wouldn't have had that effect). She was in the coffee for 90 seconds (it soaked into her sweatpants). What I don't understand is how something hot enough to cause burns on flesh wouldn't have the same effect on the mouth flesh. I know I have had a funny feeling in my mouth, like I had burned it slightly, for a day or so after drinking something hot, but I didn't need skin grafts on my tongue. Does the temperature drop off rapidly?

Still, I would say that someone who had had an operation performed on them without their consent, and indeed against their explicit request, would have an even better case than she did.

[redglasscurls]

I think tounge tissue heals a lot faster than regular skin, if that makes a difference

[tania]

i think i was also born in something ridiculous like 13 or 14 hours too. my mom liked to remind me of this every birthday when i was still living in markham. like, going through the entire day from morning to night, pretending it was the same day. "oh, at this point my water broke and we left for the hospital" "at this point i was still in the hospital!" "at this point i would have been in the hospital for 10 hours!" okay i am sorry that it was the worst thing I GET IT

[Jace]

And look at all of the trouble you are Tania. Clearly you were a problem child from the beginning

[tania]

it is okay, because since then i have made up for it by becoming the boy they always wanted

[Alex C]

My mother says the same kind of stuff too, except the length of time involved in the labor keeps getting longer, particularly if I had upset her recently. I have no idea how long the ordeal actually lasted, but to hear my mother tell it, the labor is up to around 70 hours now. I'm pretty certain that soon there will be a blue ox and roping tornados involved.

[fatty]

The last two poops I did I thought about this thread. The state of this is ridiculous!

I also thought about a chainmail that I'd recieved many moons ago (back when the internet meant chain jokes and hotmail) And used to be stuck on the wall in front of our toilet. We thought it was hilarious.

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie
    The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie
    The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie
    The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie
    This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie
    The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Gassy Poopie
    It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.

Drinker Poopie
    The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Lincoln Log Poopie
    The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Corn Poopie
    Self-explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie
    The kind where you want to Poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
    That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
    The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie
    The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
    It smells so bad your nose burns.

The Surprise Poopie
    You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poopie!!!

The Dangling Poopie
    This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

[Oli]

What is this Ali?

What is it?

[Vendetagainst]

The Surprise Poopie
You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poopie!!!

I had that poopie when I was little, often in my babysitter's bathroom. This was around the same time that I used toothpaste for soap.

[tania]

also known as 'sharting'

[Siibillam-Law]

I've read it so many time that the word "poopie" it now means nothing to me

[KvP]

i think i was also born in something ridiculous like 13 or 14 hours too. my mom liked to remind me of this every birthday when i was still living in markham. like, going through the entire day from morning to night, pretending it was the same day. "oh, at this point my water broke and we left for the hospital" "at this point i was still in the hospital!" "at this point i would have been in the hospital for 10 hours!" okay i am sorry that it was the worst thing I GET IT

Heh, my mom gives me the story of my birth every year as well.

[Ladybug]

I've only been told vaguely about my birth (I suspect my mom might've been trying to suppress it), and it involved about 24 excrutiating hours of labour, before they decided that a c-section was in order, which basically scares the crap out of me, but not enough to never want to get pregnant, I think (and I do have younger brothers, so I guess it wasn't so bad that she never wanted to repeat it). My science teacher in high school's long-winded explanation of the grossness of child birth and how "and THEN, once the entire thing was over and I could finally look again, the nurse wanted me to cut the cord, and I almost passed out" sort of made me a skeptic, though, because he basically made it sound hellish, and that was just from a guy's point of view. But, uhm, I'm pretty sure I still want kids. The idea of pregnancy is sort of freaky, but yeah.

[Fenriswolf]

lol Yay childbirth! I don't really see the point in comparing what is worse, something's always worse anyway.

I was an accident and my mother was young and easily led so she let the drs do whatever they liked and was drugged up to the 9s the whole time. Basically wasn't there for my birth. Haha. My brother (14 years younger than me, also an accident because she thought she was sterile) was a home birth but she almost had to go to hospital because her cervix took forever to dilate. Eugh. The rest went pretty smoothly but y'know, that is the painful bit... was pretty cool with the birthing pool and stuff, much more pleasant than a hospital.

My sister (16 years younger than me) was gonna be a home birth but mum had to be induced so hospital for her. Quite nice though because they have a midwife-y section to the hospital and the dr was pretty much only there to induce her and apparently had to get step-by-step intructions from the nurse.

[jhocking]

I have two younger sisters and each birth was easier than the previous. Hardly surprising, since that's how it always is, but what amuses me is just how wide a range we're talking about here. Like, I was 24 hours of labor while my youngest sister popped out while my dad had gone back outside to pay the cab.

[KvP]

Speaking of childbirth, have you heard the news 'bout orgasmic childbirth?

"All of a sudden the orgasm just started rolling through and rolling through, and it just kept coming, and my whole body was spiraling and rolling, and I was laughing and crying."

"It was happening, and I could hardly breathe, and it was like, 'oh, that feels good.' That's all I could say really."

Dr. Christiane Northrup, a certified OB-GYN who appears in the film, explains, "When the baby's coming down the birth canal, remember, it's going through the exact same positions as something going in, the penis going into the vagina."

REVERSE CHILDBIRTH DICKINGS?

Apparently the chemicals the brain releases during childbirth are similar in chemical makeup to ecstasy. One has to wonder, from an evolutionary standpoint, whether that is "intentional" (air quotes because intention implies design). You can look at, say, all the nerve endings in the genitalia and come to the conclusion that they're there as encouragement for reproduction - making babies feels good. But it only feels good all of the time (or at least, a vast majority of the time) for males. Females sometimes don't reach climax but still participate in the process of conception. Why is that? Perhaps the function of the clitoris is to ease childbirth? I don't think this phenomena is common enough to support that idea. Or maybe it's more common than we think. I'd think most people wouldn't want to talk about the birth of their children and mention the mind-blowing orgasms they had during delivery.

This thread is truly the final frontier.

[calenlass]

Yes. It is supposedly kind of rare, because I have never heard anyone talk about it in person, but then again most of the people I know who have gone through childbirth are people like my mom and she doesn't talk about things like that.

[Ladybug]

I have read about it, but I've also seen it discussed on a forum with a fairly high number of mothers, and the overall response was "Nope. Not seeing how that can possibly happen. Not at all.", so I'm also thinking it's super rare.