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Blog Thread II: Beyond Blogosphere.
De_El:
Boring Sunday afternoon alone. To make due: beer, cigarettes, and Marquee Moon.
Zingoleb:
--- Quote from: Barmymoo on 14 Jun 2009, 06:42 ---Life is alright for me too! It's odd how we all seem to have good things and bad things happen at the same time at the moment (with the exception of Zingoleb's job, which may not even really be a bad thing in a way).
--- End quote ---
When I was in school, I was so depressed with life that I was cutting pretty much every day, and giving away all my belongings so that there woudl be less for my father ot deal with when I finally did kill myself. The day I dropped out of school was perhaps the happiest day in my life and I was a million times a better person for it.
This job was pretty much driving me down the same route, and I am SO FUCKING HAPPY I don't have to work it anymore. Instead, I've been working on my father's rental properties for free to pay for living here.
Blaggy,
I have been listening to a lot of Cat Stevens and eating peanut butter for lunch. It could be much worse than this!
Edit: I have been listening to my Tom Waits record instead, and it shows what technology has done to me. I just command-tab-Spacebar'd to try and turn off my turntable. Oops.
J-cob9000:
I want some furoshiki fabric. Specifically, http://furoshiki.com/furoshiki/floral-blocks-purple.html.
I would make a purse for the lady.
MrBlu:
--- Quote from: MrBlu on 14 Jun 2009, 12:36 ---Dear Journal.
I didn't get plastered last night, but I got tipsy enough to pretend I was drunk enough to have an excuse for my behavior. Last night was fun. But I still can't stand girls that smoke. :|
--- End quote ---
UPDATE::
Uggggggggggggggggggghhhh I caught wind of my own scent and it smells like alcohol, cigarette smoke, drunk women and something awfully sweet and whyyyyyyyyyyy haven't I bathed yet!?
Zingoleb:
Blaggy,
I got banned from the other forums I went to, for saying some things I should not have. Normally, I would be absolutely fine with punishment for my transgressions, but here is the thing:
I do not remember making these comments at all.
And now, I am scared to fucking death because I'm starting to wonder if I am blacking out again.
Flashback time!
A few years ago, when I lived in Nashville still, there were two instances that stick out for me, one that ruined a friendship and one that truly hurt someone. However, I do not remember them and to be honest both things that I did were entirely out of character for me. The first one was that I went to a friend's house and asked, pretty much insisted, on a blowjob, which is completely the opposite of how I act. The other time I was with a large group of people at a fairly famous person's home, and when someone asked me to repeat something, I snapped at her, "I wasn't talking to you," which, again, is entirely out of character for me. However, I don't remember these events, all I know is that later in time people were telling me that I did some hurtful things.
The knowledge that I am doing things without any clear memory of (and it does not feel like there is any space in memories or what I have done) and that it is only through other people that I find out what my actions are terrifies the living shit out of me. When I found out earlier, I was at first seriously panicking and swearing at the person who told me, and then pretty much slipped into this depressed, nihilistic, suicidal state and starting hitting myself and yelling and swearing at myself because of this deep-seated self-loathing I have for what a fucking mess of a mind I have.
I just want to be normal. I don't even know what it is like, but I want to know. I want ot know what it is like to just have a normal job with a normal life, with real friends, without all this insanity and shitty people around me and a shitty house and everything just pulling me down a little deeper every day. I try to stay as happy as I can, I try, I try, but it hurts so deep inside all of the time that I can't just force out a smile constantly, constantly, when everything around me is threatening to crush me everyday.
Bleh.
With that in mind, I'm going to go eat dinner. A can of green beans or something. I wish my father would buy food.
tl;dr I'm crazy and depressed
Also: Playing guitar with Iron & Wine is actually very therapeutic.
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