Patrick: I know it doesn't feel this way right now, but you're a good guy, and that will pay off.
Tommy: That thing you just did, keep doing it.
Dear Blog Thread, (might as well jump feet first)
Today was a good day. There's a year and a half of backstory to it, but I'll try to keep it to less than a milliTolstoy (I think I failed in this, sorry).
Earlier tonight, I worked as part of the studio crew for the local cable access channel's music show. I've posted in the music subforum about how I've been taking classes at the station, and learning the ropes so that I can eventually produce my own music show at the station. Before I tell why it was a particularly good day, we jump back 7 months.
I had just been fired from a dead-end retail job at a bookstore for a stupid and petty reason. I had at least taken responsibility for my stupid behavior, but once the corporate machinery got kicked into gear, the result was inevitable. I put up a brave front for my former coworkers, I didn't want to be "that guy" who constantly slagged the bosses they still had to work with, etc., but it was just a front. Despite the fact that I needed to be forced to go do something better, it still led to a bout of situational depression made worse by the overall indifference of all but a couple of those coworkers that I thought were friends.
I was trying very hard to keep contact, to see what was going on for gettogethers and whatnot, but nothing. So going through my MySpace friend list, there was somebody who had left the store about 5 months earlier. A musician, and she had a gig that week, and it happened to be her birthday. So I picked up a card for her, dropped by the club that night, all without telling her beforehand I'd be there.
When she saw me, she ran up and gave me the biggest and bestest friend hug ever (she was, and is, engaged, so no catcalls from the peanut gallery). I didn't even realize how much I needed it until that moment. To explain where that came from, we jump back about a year.
I was working the closing shift, and one of the girls who worked in the cafe part of the bookstore walks in carrying a guitar case. She was that night's musical entertainment. I had talked to her in passing a couple times, but since she worked mornings and I worked nights, that was about it. I knew just enough about the store's sound equipment to help her get it up and running. That done, I had to go back and work the info desk, and just generally run around doing stuff while she performed. So while I could hear it, I rarely had time to concentrate on it.
Still, I could tell she had a wonderful and powerful voice, and for the rest of the night, one of those half-heard songs got stuck in my head. I left a nice note in her mailbox, and that led to a very fun series of note exchanges over the next few months. Later that week, she posted a schedule of her upcoming gigs, 4-5 a week for an entire month as she was in the "I'll play anywhere anytime for practice/exposure" phase of her career.
So that gave me an Idea. I'd arrange for a bunch of us at work to show up in support. So I picked a day, talked to everybody, got non-committal grunts and lots of "maybes". I figured with nearly 50 store employees, at least a handful would drop by. Nope, just me. I was more disappointed than she was, and that's how she is, very positive just about all the time. So I settled in and had a chance to listen to her songs. There was a depth to her songwriting that I wasn't expecting, and from that moment, I was really a fan.
Jump ahead a month, and via a different friend I had discovered the music of Alison Sudol/A Fine Frenzy. What intrigued me most was a series of "live" studio clips that were brilliant in showing off her style far more than any of the standard music videos. This is where the cable access show Idea originally came from. Years before, the station had run several local music shows to showcase area artists, but they had all fizzled out and nothing was left. So I looked up how to go about it and told her that there's all this nice professional TV gear we could use for FREE as long as there's a local community angle to what's presented. I figured if even half of my friend's stage presence translated to screen, she'd have something to help promote herself beyond just the cable access audience, what with Youtube and such.
So we went in for the orientation/tour, found out they really would help us out in any way they could, etc., we just needed to take some inexpensive classes and get trained. So I put another note in the breakroom asking if anybody wanted to join us, I'd even pay for the classes.
Nothing again (anybody sensing a pattern here?). Not unreasonable really, given the time commitment involved (6 Sat mornings in a row), but it took the wind out of my sails, and I let the whole idea fizzle. I still went to as many of her shows as I could, and I think she really did appreciate my enthusiasm and encouragement, but working mostly nights, particularly on the weekends made it hard. Eventually, I was missing most of them, then she left for a different job, and while I followed developments through her myspace page, there was a 5-month gap between the last time I saw her and the birthday show.
So now we're back to just after then. Her next big gig was her EP release party in early November. As good as I thought she was, she hit a whole new level that night, and not only was I blown away by how amazingly talented and professional she was, but she positively beamed with a supernova glow of happiness at how well everything had turned out. It was truly one of the most incredible things I have ever experienced. I vowed to myself that I was going to give the access show thing another shot.
But my track record of following through on my Big Ideas was not good. This time, though, I was motivated by other factors. I had fucked up my job, which in itself was a result of getting too comfortable in a rut of my own making. I was going to be more careful of the promises I made, and I was going to just keep moving forward on my own and not let how others responded be an excuse. The goal was to help her music career in whatever small way I could, but the reason now had a lot more to do with what I needed.
I signed up for the class. Right away, it made a difference. Here was a group of people with purpose and a positive outlook. For the most part, they were community minded, wanted to make a difference. The contrast with the cynical and self-centered co-workers I had left behind was eye-opening. As I came into contact with more of the staff and volunteers at the station, the more my own spirits and outlook were lifted.
Still, there is a difference between just working as a volunteer on all the other programs, and putting together a whole show on my own. While my friend was on board the whole way, I still harbored that self doubt, and wonder if she thought anything would really ever come of it. Then I reached a point where I needed to bring other musicians on board. I found who I wanted, but it's not like people in the music scene know me. I managed to get myself introduced to musician #2 via a mutual acquaintance, and imposter syndrome really reared it's ugly head as I asked her "do you want to be on my TV show?"
I honestly wasn't expecting her enthusiastic "yes" and my brain was running around in little panic circles saying "shit shit shit, what have I gotten myself INTO???"
Nothing to do at that point but forge ahead. I found 2 other victims, asked them, got positive responses. All this time, right back from when I first had the idea for the show, I always knew exactly what I wanted it to be like. I did have confidence in my vision, just not in my ability to carry it out. But I shot a "pilot" on camcorder with my friend, and not only was I pleased with how it came out, but several people at the station have said that it already looks better than most of the other locally produced shows!
So, we're finally back to earlier tonight (*blows airhorn to wake everybody up again*). After the show, I announce to the crew that I'm looking for crew on my own show. Several of them immediately sign up with an enthusiasm that takes me by pleasant surprise. This is the first step in the formal procedure to secure a shoot date, which I've penciled in as May 19th (assuming no conflicts arise in the meantime). It's not a done deal yet, but it's reached a point where it's more inevitable than not.
And if I try to explain beyond just saying "That feels really good," I'd probably double this post's length, so I won't.
