Yesterday was my last day of college too, and it was weird. I was more melancholy on Thursday to be honest, but everything felt strange. I cut sociology for the first time ever (in the event only two people actually went) and walked to the bus station with a boy who may or may not become a Boy at some point, and then we had half a german lesson which we had to abandon in the middle because no one was concentrating, so instead we ate plum tart and whipped cream and talked about going out for pizza some time.
In the evening yesterday I went to a party, the 18th of one of the girls in my german class. I'd been pretty nervous about it because her friends don't really like me and are all very fashionable, cliquey etc but I'd made a real effort and even gone shopping for a brand new, fairly expensive dress. I spent three hours getting ready and I actually looked really nice for once (I'm going to take the dress to Chicago, it's too nice to waste) and I really thought that for once I might be able to make some friends with these girls.
Well it was horrible. Except for the girl whose party it was (who is absolutely lovely, I wish we'd been friends all year), no one who I knew from college would even speak to me and the only people I really talked to were university friends of her older siblings, and a couple of people I knew from work who were friends with her brother. It meant I met a lot of rad people but why, why is it that I only ever make friends with people who are a minimum of five years older than me? When I had spent so much time, money and effort trying to look "right", what exactly was it that made them all look down their noses at me? This is a serious question, I really want to know why this bunch of teenaged girls and a few boys who I've known for two years and never been anything other than pleasant to couldn't even take the time to smile at me and ask how things were going. In fact the only time they said anything at all to me was when they'd got drunk enough to be honest and starting ragging me because I don't drink. I felt very sorry for them because they admitted they could never have a good time without drinking, but I felt sorry for me too. I hate being an outcast in that kind of situation. I love parties, I used to go to house parties all the time and everyone just accepted me. It's hard to believe now but at one point I was actually welcome at parties for making things more fun. But the indifference and, by the end of the three hours I stuck it out for, outright rudeness of the stuck up snobby girls made me feel like a pathetic wallflower and when I got home I cried for longer than I've cried in a long time.
The really stupid thing is that half of the unpleasant ones weren't even invited. The poor girl whose party it was naively invited all the people she liked and overlooked the fact that some of them would invite other people who would invite other people which would bring along a whole load of tensions and drama. She ended up slapping one girl who she had expressedly told not to come and not to bring her boyfriend (and who had the cheek to do both). I just don't understand how people who are meant to be friends with each other can be this awful. I know my friends aren't the liveliest of people in large social gatherings, I'm the most confident of us all for god's sake, but at least they have manners. I'd love to know what goes through someone's head when they stand in a girl's house and ring people up saying "come to the party, I know you were told not to but she's a bitch anyway, who cares what she wants?"
Wow. I'm sorry, I hadn't intended to have such a huge rant about it but I was really upset, both for me and for her. It's all tied up with this leaving college thing because if I'd realised at the start of the year that a) I really liked this girl and we have a lot in common even though she used to go to public school and is extremely pretty and b) she, as she told me last night, was only friends with the people she was friends with because they were the only ones she knew, then we might have both been spared what was a fairly horrible evening. For once I'm glad I'm not pretty and popular because it seems to me like it brings with it a whole lot of undercurrent bitchiness, backstabbing and misery.
tl;dr I went to a shitty party and wasted a lot of money on a dress in a desperate and doomed attempt to impress some snooty cows.
