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Professor Snuggles:
oh man this thread.

Cartilage Head:
 So this retarded guy gives head to a janitor..

Professor Snuggles:
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the
courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.


One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room
fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the
last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the
professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor
was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The
other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine
and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The
Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers
who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole.
.............So, He sent me."

Orbert:
After 12 years of marriage and four children, she still looked great.  Everyone said so, and her husband was so amazed and pleased that he started calling her "mother of four" -- as a joke at first, but eventually as a nickname.  It bugged the hell out of her, but he wouldn't stop.

One night they were at a party, she looked fantastic of course, and he kept going on and on to anyone who'd listen about how great she looked, especially for a mother of four.  When it was time to leave, he asked "Are you ready to go, Mother of Four?"

"Just a second," she replied, "Father of Two."

onewheelwizzard:
daaaaaaamn

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

So these two guys are waiting in line at the Pearly Gates, and the first one steps up and St. Peter says "Please state your name, your age at death, and your profession in life."
"My name's Mack Jones, I'm 72, and I was a taxi driver in New York City for 35 years."
"Here is your golden staff and your silk robe.  Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
The second man approaches and St. Peter says "Please state your name, your age, and your profession in life."
"My name's William Paulson, I'm 67, and I was the pastor for the New Family Church of our Lord for 30 years."
"Here is your wooden staff and your cotton robe.  Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
At this, the pastor looks confused.  "St. Peter, I don't mean to be rude, but why was that uncouth, impious man ahead of me gifted with such luxury and I am not?"
St. Peter gives him a kind look and says, "My friend, up here in Heaven, we work by results.  While you preached, people slept.  While he drove, people prayed."

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