Fun Stuff > CHATTER
Please, Just Let Me Die Already
nobo:
--- Quote from: Emaline on 16 Aug 2009, 18:06 ---He's not paying her credit card bills. He is paying for his cards that she charged on.
--- End quote ---
Thats even worse.
--- Quote from: Emaline on 16 Aug 2009, 18:06 ---It's like basically, I really want to encourage him to talk to her about how she needs to get her life together, or that to get the fuck out of his, because she isn't doing anyone any favors the way she is now. I've been tempted to tell him not to talk to her until she gets a job.
--- End quote ---
I think thats a good idea. Why is she so important to him anyway? why does he care that she feels lonely or like he's abandoning her? the relationship is over.. why keep her around at all? she doesn't sound like a good friend at all.
Emaline:
He's given her money in the past. I think after the overdraft drama, I convinced him that he really can't baby her anymore when it comes to money. She isn't going to get a job, unless he cuts her off.
And the credit cards were charged up when they we engaged. So, I mean, it made since that she was using his credit cards, but still doesn't make it ok.
I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend who tells him he can't be friends with people. And out of all of his friends, she was the first one who was welcoming to me. He has another female friend who despised me for quite sometime. It took both he and a male friend sitting her down repeatedly and talking to her about it. And I know he is really good friends with this girl, and I really don't mind her overall. Its just frustrating that she is seemingly getting jealous about us. I feel terrible telling him not to talk to her, but I also feel like she is purposely sabotaging our relationship. We were having a great morning this morning, and she called and they talked, and then we fought for a good hour because of her. ksfajskl;jds; I am fucking going around in circles. Yes I want her gone, no I don't want to tell him who he can be friends with, but I want her gone.
Males of the forum, is it bad for your girlfriends to tell you that you can't be friends with someone?
a pack of wolves:
Yes. In the end her borrowing money from him and being needy is his business, if he's willing to put up with her being like that then it's his call. You can advise him that this isn't really a healthy friendship but beyond that it's not up to you whether he keeps it up or not. What is your business is how he acts when he's around you, and his spending a lot of time on the phone to someone else when you're trying to spend time together sounds pretty rude really. That's something you can talk to him about and say that you're getting fed up with him taking lengthy phone calls and therefore ignoring you. She might get upset if he breaks off a phone call but he's the one that's placing her overreacting and being needy over spending time with you, and it's his behaviour towards you that ought to concern you.
calenlass:
Emaline, this sounds like a direct quote from the lives of my friends Jason and Lara. The thing is, Jason and Lara are not so cleanly separated and are sort of dating again (and again and again: they do break up a lot, but this most recent time was a huge deal and was like a Break Up). But Lara is codependent. Basically this means that she desperately needs people to need her, and if she feels that she is becoming less necessary to the people she wants to need her, she will create problems for them so that they will need fixing by her. A lot of this is unconscious. In fact, until he dragged her to a Codependents Anonymous meeting, she didn't even realise it was unnatural, much less a psychological condition.
Lara does not have a job. In all the years that I have known her, she worked at Kroger as a cashier for like 2 months, when suddenly she somehow managed to pinch a nerve or slip a disc in her back and could no longer stand upright for that long anymore. I am not sure how she slipped a disc because she doesn't do anything except fuck boys and cheat on her boyfriends, and I am not sure how she could have known that a pinched nerve is what happened because she makes a huge deal about not being able to afford health insurance, but either way, that is the story. Jason is marginally smarter about the money thing, it sounds like, because while he also went into debt buying her stuff, it was only stuff that they would both benefit from (food, rent when they were living together, sex toys, etc). That he and his credit are now suffering is his own fault, but he is well aware of this and considers it worthwhile.
Anyway, Lara is clingy. Lara is passive-aggressive and jealous and entitled. When Jason was out with other girls while they were more definitely broken up, she was constantly interrupting him with phone calls and texts, the same way your boyfriend's friend is. Jason realised later that he should have told her to fuck off, because ultimately it ended up costing him a potential girlfriend(s) (I will save what a tragedy I think this was for another day) who did not want to deal with that. However, he had to lose the girl he was interested in before he discovered that babying Lara and indulging her bullshit whingy tantrums and letting her pull him aside to Talk whenever they were out in public at the same place were all bad ideas; it took all that for him to learn.
So maybe it is the same with your boyfriend: it may take something a little more serious to knock some sense into his head. I am not saying you should leave him (unless you want to), but every boy I have ever known has some curious and incongruous blind spots regarding particular aspects of girl-relations. And this is not the sort of treating-girls-as-another-species thing, just occasional events where they deal with it funny. This may well be one of those.
Sorry I don't have any advice to offer, and if you weren't looking for perspective or empathy, well, that is all I got.
NeverQuiteGoth:
It's my opinion that a pack of wolves is right.
You shouldn't make this about your boyfriend's friend. You should make it about your boyfriend. Don't even mention her, if you can avoid it. The fact of the matter is you're unhappy with the way he is behaving. Once you make the cause of his behavior arbitrary, you make her impotent to affect you and your boyfriend's lives together. Don't get mad at him. Be supportive but let him know you're unhappy with the way he's treating you. If he has half a clue, he'll realize he needs to put you first when you're together.
This ex of his sounds exactly like the kind of person my little sister is, and if she is, she is not going to make this easy. She's going to be completely unscroupulous, and she is going to play HEAVILY on your boyfriend's sense of guilt. She's going to twist reality to make her seem like the innocent victim, and worse, she'll believe her own fabrication when she does, giving that much more potency to her power to instill misplaced guilt.
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