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Asteroids

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Inlander:
Quick everyone, let's write this script for them!

Obviously there needs to be some variation on "the Hero's Journey". We know there are brothers, so I'm thinking that they're flying through space on an epic mission to hunt down the asteroid that killed their mother fifteen years ago. They've been hunting this motherfuckingkilling asteroid for fifteen god-damn years. That's how much it killed their mother. Actually scratch that, only one of the brothers has been hunting the asteroid, and the other one's been at home running the family farm. I mean ranch. Space-ranch, fuck yeah. because you need brothers to be opposites in movies because otherwise how would the audience know they're brothers, haunted by tragedy? Actually no, not haunted, that sounds too European. Um . . . "Rocked" by tragedy. Yeah, that works well because it sounds tough and American and all-action (ROCKED!) and also because it reminds the audience that they're watching a movie about asteroids. Asteroids getting blown the fuck up, fuck yeah!

But we need a twist otherwise the third act's gonna be lame. The good news is because it's a genre film (genre: blowing shit up in space, fuck yeah!) we don't even have to think about the twist, we can just borrow it from some old film. And then in the press notes we can call it a homage, because that sounds totally classy. (Note: do we pronounce "homage" the European way or the American way? Might wanna clear that up before the press junkets start.) So how's this: the brothers finally track down the asteroid that killed their mother . . . and it turns out the asteroid is their father.

Whoa. Fuck. Does anyone else have chills? Baby, this thing's gonna make us stars!

Jimor:
You forgot the part where after battling through the entire asteroid field, they find their Nemesis. But right before pulling the trigger on that final fucking asteroid that killed their mother, the ship's laser juice runs out. So the brothers have to go out and blow that shit up mano-a-mano, fuck YEAH! To bring home the poignancy of this last confrontation of their nemesis, they use the VERY SAME NUKE that dear old ma used to threaten them with (in a loving way of course) if they didn't eat all their peas.

One brother will nearly back out, not wanting to part with the last family memento, but the other brother will shout very meaningfully, "Let's DO this!"

Through heavy tears, Brother 1 will set the timer, yell, "GO GO GO!" and they'll race back to the ship while the asteroid looms menacingly. Brother 2, in the excitement, will flood the engine while trying to get it started. Brother 1, having years of experience with shitty farm equipment will pull wires out of random control panels and hotwire the SHIT out of that spacecraft. They'll then blast off just in time to outrun the nuclear explosion that first engulfs them, then spits them out, a bit scorched, but otherwise fine. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

They'll hug, Brother 2 will say, "Let's go back to the farm, little bro, I've had enough excitement for 2 lives!"

Meanwhile...

In darkest space...

A still large part of the asteroid that didn't get blown to shit tumbles....

tumbles....

TUMBLES... Across the screen.

[Fade to black]

look out! Ninjas!:
ASTEROID will return in

ASTEROID II: INSERT 25c TO CONTINUE

Inlander:
And then twenty years later some studio hack will try desperately to keep his job by reviving two long-dead franchises and we'll get Asteroids vs. Space Invaders.

Ikrik:
Is it going to be called Asteroids? 

And wouldn't it be a lot cheaper and SO much easier for them to just make a movie set in space than to buy the rights to some insanely old videogame that shouldn't be made into a movie in the first place? Considering that essentially starting from scratch is probably slightly easier. Right?

I don't see the point in getting angry about this. I can see being angry at Shadows of the Colossus or the Bioshock movie because if they're bad (which they most likely will be) they're actually going to be compared to the game. 

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