I'm debating between putting this here or on the vitriolic letters thread.
Anyway, here goes:
We hired a sales lady a few months ago. We don't do simple sales, this isn't some schlep-rock walking up to you in a store and saying "those shoes look great with your bag, can I get them for you in your size?" Naw... this is complex sales. Federal Government stuff. A quick sale in this arena takes 6 months. Most cycles are started 18-30 months out, and sometimes we go as long as five years from start to finish, just to get a sale. Seriously, there are so many companies trying to get some of Uncle Sam's money that the competition is like being a fish amongst a school of piranha. If you're a little minnow, you're going to get eaten. You have to be a piranha yourself and jump into the feeding frenzy if you want a bite of food. If you're not on your game, you're going to lose. Period.
Anyway, we hire this lady. Right off the bat she seems kind of dumb. Like... If you've been doing this as long as you say you have, shouldn't you know some really simple things, like what basic acquisition acronyms are? She throws a very pretty power point slide show up on the screen and tells everyone she created it. I looked at the properties and discovered it had been made six months earlier by someone with a different name. Oh... she stole it from her last company. Ok, whatever. Then we find out she lied on her resume. She doesn't have a college degree despite having said very plainly on her resume that she did. Then she totally fucks up a proposal. Fucks it up so badly that we never should have sent it off. Then she did it again with another one. Partnered us with a company that literally, by law, cannot be given the award because they don't meet some fundamental criteria for doing business with the Feds. Does she get fired? Nope.
The whole time, she's got a shitty attitude. Writes some RUDE emails. Is very bossy and very nasty. We have conference calls where she can't say something without making sure she says "I" in every sentence. "I did this" "I won that" "I know so-and-so". One particular call it took everything I had not take the phone off of mute and call her a liar. I got a really good friend of mine an interview with our company. Everybody has to be interviewed by at least three people, so somehow she got selected to interview him. He told me she spent 90 minutes talking about herself and didn't even ask him any questions. Just said things like "I see from your resume that you are like me, I... blah blah blah". He literally came out of that room with his mouth open and shaking his head.
Now I've been told to support her. She's got these two really hot leads, she tells us, she's going to get us a goo-gob of cash, and it's practically a done deal. I get told to be her technical support. To be the solution architect, and to close the deals. Yay me.
So now I'm getting the shitty emails and the bad attitude. She won't even address me by name on the conference calls, only by title. For one opportunity, she gave us two documents that she claims she created to send to the customer. It took me 90 seconds of googling for each one to find the original on the web. Straight. Up. Plagiarized. And she claims the shit his her own. So I start researching one of these opportunities because I've been tasked with closing it, right? It's for a particular branch of the military. She made a huge scene on Friday about how she won this for her company the last time it was competed, and that she knows this person and that person, and how she's partnering us up with the right companies who are going to close this thing. But she has credibility issues with me, so I have my doubts. I've got my own due diligence to do so I start researching the previous contract. Turns out, her presentation on the previous contract that was awarded was plagiarized too. Found it word for word in the first source I looked at. Then I start doing a little more research and find out that this particular base is currently in the process of being assumed by an entirely different branch of the military.
Wait. What?
Yeah, this particular base is being assimilated by an entirely different service. Call me crazy, but I don't see them spending money this month so that someone else can take it over three months down the road. Even if they are, how did this little fun fact escape the briefing that she gave everybody? I don't know. I thought she knew everybody and had an inside track?
The other opportunity is in Germany. She talked a bunch of shit about someone she knows over there and how the money faucet is going to get turned on for us because of her, and we say ok, cool, we've got some questions. So me and some other technical folks compiled them, discussed them, and then I sent them to her. To be fair to her, she wasn't party to all the behind-the-scenes discussing that we had as a committee regarding the questions we've got for her "contact". So she turns around at eight o'clock this morning and asks all the same people to look them over and get back to her today so she can send them to her customer. Her quote: "Its Thursday over there and I would like to get this out to them prior the weekend"
Uh, actually, we're GMT -4 right now, and they're GMT +2 which makes a six hour time zone difference. If you're sending me email at 8:00 a.m. on Wednesday morning, it's 2:00 p.m. Wednesday afternoon for them, not Thursday. How fucking dumb do you think I am? More importantly, how many "calls" and "skypes" have you had with this person if you don't even know what fucking day it is? The bullshit keeps piling up and it's going to make me have a stroke, I fucking swear.
TL,DR; I work with a lying bitch who I hope dies painfully.
edit:typos