I had a dream last night. A nightmare, I mean---I hope it was a dream; Sometimes I wonder.
My nightmares are only ever scary after I wake up. This was no exception.
I was with some friends. I say
friends---that's what they were, it seems, in the dream. They were my friends, some time ago. A long time ago. One of them, not so long ago, but they're all of the same group.
They're Nazis. Not as much when we were friends. Literal Nazis, now. That's what they call themselves, that's how they do... Except the one---we cut ties sometime this past year. I thought he was alright---he'd always reject, and continued rejecting, harmful ideals. And I had no reason to doubt; And I'd known him since ages. His actions, though, started seeming... degrading. Self-degrading, mostly, but that affects their environs. I still don't know if he's a Nazi, but his friends. Close enough? I dunno...
In the dream, I wasn't much his friend, though. He was in the background, passing by, I mostly ignored. His friend, instead---who had pushed my boundaries, now I see, too far---too too far---was much closer with me. Almost friends, it felt.
I was eating an apple. They were congratulating me. (A cultivar I hate.) It was something I did, it seems. (Not yet eating, but picking up---smelled good.) I had no memory of it, what I had done---I felt like I provided them with something. (Like a stock of apples.) Maybe.
They called me
based. I felt good. Warm. Glowing. I don't know if I've ever felt that, except perhaps in childhood. Or high.
What did I do?---in the dream, before, that I'd forgotten. Who did I kill?---my first thought, after waking, lying stupefied.
I think I might have been my friend, though. The most-recently estranged. His alternate personalities (or what's the proper term for it?), are much further disjoint than any mine. I wonder if that's how he feels, how they---his friends---let him feel, that no-one else can, or rather, no-one else does...
I feel like I abandoned him, but I tried? I can't force him---couldn't, or rather, wouldn't.
Or maybe we're alternate personalities, of each other. How would I know? Maybe my hazy memory, is just the half-assery of a subconscious, for misdirection, to a feeling as though I have always been aware of all our memories. Idle musing---how would I know? if I've never pushed it here nor there. What if that's why I'm so unproductive? so often too tired to start. What if I'm just too busy, with his work? Or just wishful thinking: An easy scapegoat, for my own laziness. But then, what it this wasn't a dream? My dreams oft feel too real---a stable unto itself reality. What if that dream-world, is this world, but of a different person, living a different life?