Fun Stuff > CHATTER

Eye contact

<< < (3/15) > >>

LTK:
I guess eye contact is one of those things we all need to learn by experience. Maybe some people do pick up social conventions without having to think about it, but in the end, all the things nobody tells you about, you need to find out for yourself. Doesn't matter whether it comes easy or hard.

I'm pretty sure I fall in the 'hard' category, because I used to have a severe lack of social self-conscious, and things that may or may not be socially accepted never even crossed my mind. Even now, the idea of being able to accurately tell what thoughts and opinions another person might have about me seems incomprehensible. Then the thought of the possibility that two people are sharing their individual thoughts about me between them, without my knowledge, makes any kind of informed social interaction seem so mindbogglingly complex so as to be nearly impossible. If there's anything like social intelligence, I must not possess it.

Anyway. I'm getting pretty good at modifying my own social behaviour as time goes by. Making more eye contact is one of those things. I want people to like me, basically. I want to connect with people. Eye contact makes sure you're both actually paying attention to one another. You know they notice you, and they know you notice them, so at least you can be sure of one thing: the whole world is not passing you by as if you didn't exist.

I guess if you asked me how long and how often eye contact is appropriate, I'd estimate that I usually look away for a second after ten seconds, and look a person in the eye at least half the time. But it's just something you have to learn to be comfortable with and not to think too much about. I really doubt anyone makes mental notes about whether or not the person they're talking to is making an appropriate amount of eye contact. No normal person is that critical.


--- Quote from: Is it cold in here? on 06 Sep 2012, 17:43 ---I bet you get along well with cats! They seem to feel safer without eye contact.

--- End quote ---
Ah yes. I think unbroken eye contact is about equivalent to a raised fist in cat language.

nekowafer:
Oh and yes, I do get along very well with cats. Despite my propensity for kissing them right on the nose or cheeks.

Redball:
So maybe those of us who routinely make eye contact and those of us who don't will pay attention and report back?

I have two cats. My Siamese male rarely makes eye contact with me. The tuxedo female makes eye contact and holds my gaze for a minute or more. What is she seeing? And I don't kiss the cats and discourage the Siamese from kissing me on the lips, but I'll bite either on the scruff of the neck or lick the fur there. Or both.

Is it cold in here?:
Cats don't always understand it when a human does it, but an important phrase in their body language is to interrupt their gaze with a long slow blink. It means "I am not putting a target lock on you".  Sometimes I blink back, and the cat blinks again, and we get a game going.

There may be some biology to it, not just social convention. Lack of eye contact is a common condition among people with autism.

Then you get into cultural variations. Police in ethnically diverse areas have to be trained that citizens from some cultures will look away because that's how they defer to authority figures, not because they're ignoring the officer. I've seen American women advised to wear dark sunglasses in some countries because their habit of looking at the people they're conversing with translates into the local body language dialect as "let's fuck".

TRVA123:
When I was travelling in Italy and Spain I had to wear dark glasses. I would make brief eye contact with men walking down the street and they would often take that as a "come hither" signal. It was kind of annoying... In the US that brief eye contact usually makes the menfolk back off or at most just nod their head to acknowledge me.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page