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Blog Thread 4; Live Free or Blog Hard - 'cos we all like blogging
Aimless:
This past week has been an unsettling mix of wonderful and just so incredibly shitty. I've decided to spend the weekend hiding out at home. We've made some changes to the apartment, everything is kinda clean and I've surrendered to the holy triumvirate of rainymood+ludovico einaudi+soft cosy lighting. The ginger's curled up on the couch reading Codex Born and I'm slowly beginning to feel at peace again :) trevlig helg everyone
Masterpiece:
Una Mattina <3
Metope:
I guess I haven't talked much about my life lately, so this is what's going on right now. I'm home in Norway, applying for jobs and spending my days in my new studio at the Oslo Art Academy (I got my bursary as a result of when my school burnt down, if anyone remembers that. So I got a huge sum of money and a studio paid for by the UK government so that I can make work, and next year we'll have an exhibition to replace the Degree Show we lost). I sold four paintings to a school in Oslo where they'll be on permanent display, and my best friend bought a house and has commissioned a huge painting from me which is great since I was worried about the logistics of storing any big paintings I make from now. I'm missing my boyfriend a lot, but he'll come over to visit in February, and I am keeping myself busy, so it's fine. Knowing that I'm going to move to the states next year and marry him helps a lot too, I just need to get a job here first so I can earn enough money to support myself while job searching and getting settled there. Life is pretty good!
LTK:
I just had dental surgery number two out of three, and I would like to take this opportunity to thank modern medicine for painkillers. This one already hurts more on the outside of my face but as long as I don't move too much I feel okay. The upper pain limit (what I feel when I clench my jaws hard) isn't too bad either. The surgeon said I should wait another year and a half or so before making an appointment for the final one - the one he just removed was the lower left wisdom tooth. I would have preferred him to take out the other one as well, as the previous surgeon took out the right upper and lower one in one go, and I didn't have to spend a lot of time recovering from that at all.
Carl-E:
I'm working part time at the local Macy's loading dock, unloading trucks. Mornings, once or twice a week. It will pick up more as the holiday season winds on. I'm still working two or three evenings a week at the beer barn, which means I get to restock the cooler during closing for the next day. Both pay close to minimum. Some days (usually a Wednesday) I do both, with two hours in between. It's a 14 hour day of lifting and throwing heavy shit around. I get tired.
I'm still teaching math online, the pay from that is erratic. Depends on the number of students in my classes. Tutoring about 5 or so students on the side. My mom's helping with some of the bills.
Before I got the Macy's job, and my mom started helping, things got super tight. I couldn't pay the premiums, so I got dropped by my Obamacare provider. yes, I couldn't afford my affordable care, but I make too much for medicare.
Ma's offered to support us if I go back to school for something I can get a decent job in. I'm seriously thinking accounting. None of this is new news, I think, it's just ... ongoing.
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Last winter, my ARCO (American Radiator Company) coal fired boiler gave up the ghost. It's not the main furnace, but it's still tied into the system as a backup. It's the original boiler, and gave 113 years of continuous service before cracking last winter and leaking. I put a bucket from a humidifier with a drain hose under the leak, and we finished the winter with a leaking hot water system.
It's a convection system, through the old boiler. The "new" boiler (gas fired, 50 years old this year) has a pump. Couldn't keep up with the system to save its life, so I'm disconnecting the boiler and putting in loops where it had been connected so that there's still convection to circulate the hot water. About $150 worth of parts. I have it halfway disassembled, but I need a bigger wrench. Going to check the rental places tomorrow.
OK, I know this is going to sound stupid, but I'm really going to miss the old boiler. The big pressure and temperature gauges that told me in an instant what was up, the warmth it threw off into my workbench area, the knowledge that, even in a winter power failure I could still build a fire in it and heat the house - just the fact that it still worked, and worked well, and I just couldn't save it. I go down, and work on taking it apart, and I weep. Rest in peace, my friend; ARCO model 58B, No. W-2905.
Maybe I'm just tired. Yeah, that's it. I'm fucking tired. I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of not being able to find a real job with my Ph.D, I'm tired that I can't just move away from my problems, I'm tired, just so damn fucking tired of throwing around cases of beer and crates of holiday dresses and cookware and not being able to keep gas in my 17 year old van that's misfiring and leaking oil. I see my old colleagues on campus when I go and tutor, and smile, and chat, and fuck it all, they have no idea.
Thirty years ago when I was in grad school, one of the guys in our class withdrew from the program. Didn't see him for weeks. Then one evening, a few of us went to lunch at a local bar.
He was waiting tables. Including ours.
We were polite, until later. The people I was with were merciless about him not being able to cut it. It always bothered me. He disappeared, probably went home.
My wife likes to say that I'm a good teacher, but a lousy academic. I've been through all the major universities' local branches, and got slaughtered by politics in almost every case. I could/should have gotten a lawyer in at least three of those cases - I'd still have a job, but I'm too much of a wuss / too nice a guy to want to work somewhere that I had to sue to keep a job. Turns out it's not unusual in academia in this country. So no, I'm not a good academic, I don't think I have the stomach for it. And my research died a loooooong time ago. I can't even work at the local community college - got bad student reviews. I wasn't easy enough, it seems. Not sure I want to work where the inmates run the asylum.
The owner of the beer barn just let me know that the building they're in was just sold out from under them by the landlord. Don't know where that's going to go, I may wind up without the one job where I like the people.
Halloween is coming. We usually have 400-500 kids - it's a big, spooky house on a corner. Don't think we can afford candy this year, though.
Sorry, just need to vent. So much is going on, and I feel like it's completely out of my control. I've defaulted on my student loans several times over, I'm two years behind on my taxes, I just.... god, I don't know. I just want to bury my head and make it all go away. I like beer, but I don't like drinking much, and it's a damn good thing or I'd be nursing a case or two every night.
It's late, and the demon of late night's evil misery has taken over, I'm sorry. I need to get up early for the beer store in the morning. I've been avoiding this thread because I didn't want to spill all this. And it's only half of what's going on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you read this, though I doubt you have, I don't think I would. I'm sorry, I'm failing, I'm flailing, I'm falling and I can't seem to get up. Misery loves company, and I know I have plenty of it, but I have no one to talk to about this. Well, there's you guys, but I don't know if you count. Did I mention I can't afford therapy? No insurance, don't you know. Even if I had insurance, it was bottom-of-the-barrel, with $50 copays ($90 for a specialist) and a really high deductible. So I still couldn't afford anything medical.
There's so much more to tell. So much more that I can't even begin to get out. I have trouble even keeping track of all of it. Freedom sounds so good. Twice a week - Sunday in church (of a religion I don't believe) and Monday nights for a chorale rehearsal, I get to sing. It's pretty close to my only joy, and the only social life I have. And it's not a social life, because I don't really get a chance to talk to people. I know it's trite, but I don't really have any friends. I've never really been able to get close to people, even my wife and I have had problems with me being ... cold, for a better word. I get along great with people, form "friendships" easily, but am never really able to get close to anyone. Not even my family.
Blah, blah, blah, me, me, me. Well, you chose to read the blog thread.
TL;DR - my life sucks, but it's mostly my own fault and I don't know how to fix it. I'm not looking for help, but I probably should be.
Thanks for listening. Don't bother with suggestions, I'll just shoot them down. It's part of my charm. :-D
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