My dad just called me not too long ago, and it made me think about how how I interact with my family. He was obviously drunk, and at one point he sounded like he was about to cry, so he said he had to go and then called me back later. I guess I would be more affected by this in the past; the drunkenness (and the fact that he blatantly admitted he has been drinking) would definitely have angered and upset me, but I don't know how I would have reacted if he just started crying in front of me. Instead I just felt mildly, abstractly sad for him, as if he was a character in a movie or in a book. I just thought about him sitting on his front verandah, sweaty and shirtless, drinking and being lonely; he just seemed like a sad, pathetic character, and I felt sorry for him, but no real emotional attachment.
I think there is a little voice in my head that is still very bitter about that part of my life, and is there saying "I have been the parent for two (sometimes three) grown adults long enough. I am not going to do that any more", which is a bit selfish, but it also feels like a bit of self preservation. I know that trying to look after them like I used to was not good for my mental health, and I sure as hell don't want to be like that again, so distancing myself from the situation if for my own sanity.
I do feel a bit bad that I want to deal with my family in the same way I deal with people I don't know very well/strangers and just have conversations that have no real personal investment in them, but I am already doing that to a degree and can't be bothered putting effort into talking to my mum and trying to change the way she thinks (because she has some really strange ideals) because she's not going to change just because I say something about it.
I wish there was a way to explain to them that our relationship would be better if I just don't talk to them for a fair while and come back to this free of old habits, but my family don't think that we have anything wrong with our relationships, so I know they would get offended or upset and take it personally. If I could make it a mutual decision it would be great, so then I wouldn't be constantly thinking about how I may have inadvertently offended them because I haven't called or visited lately. And maybe after that time they would realise that I have been taking care of myself just fine and they should stop treating me like a teenager with no life experience.
tl;dr I talked to my dad and feel like he is becoming more of a stranger, which is what I want to happen to the rest of my family, even though it makes me feel bad to say that.
Author
Topic: Re: Blog Thread IIIa : Look Who's Blogging Now (Read 245759 times)