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Re: Blog Thread IIIa : Look Who's Blogging Now

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Eris:
My dad just called me not too long ago, and it made me think about how how I interact with my family. He was obviously drunk, and at one point he sounded like he was about to cry, so he said he had to go and then called me back later. I guess I would be more affected by this in the past; the drunkenness (and the fact that he blatantly admitted he has been drinking) would definitely have angered and upset me, but I don't know how I would have reacted if he just started crying in front of me. Instead I just felt mildly, abstractly sad for him, as if he was a character in a movie or in a book. I just thought about him sitting on his front verandah, sweaty and shirtless, drinking and being lonely; he just seemed like a sad, pathetic character, and I felt sorry for him, but no real emotional attachment.

I think there is a little voice in my head that is still very bitter about that part of my life, and is there saying "I have been the parent for two (sometimes three) grown adults long enough. I am not going to do that any more", which is a bit selfish, but it also feels like a bit of self preservation. I know that trying to look after them like I used to was not good for my mental health, and I sure as hell don't want to be like that again, so distancing myself from the situation if for my own sanity.

I do feel a bit bad that I want to deal with my family in the same way I deal with people I don't know very well/strangers and just have conversations that have no real personal investment in them, but I am already doing that to a degree and can't be bothered putting effort into talking to my mum and trying to change the way she thinks (because she has some really strange ideals) because she's not going to change just because I say something about it.

I wish there was a way to explain to them that our relationship would be better if I just don't talk to them for a fair while and come back to this free of old habits, but my family don't think that we have anything wrong with our relationships, so I know they would get offended or upset and take it personally. If I could make it a mutual decision it would be great, so then I wouldn't be constantly thinking about how I may have inadvertently offended them because I haven't called or visited lately. And maybe after that time they would realise that I have been taking care of myself just fine and they should stop treating me like a teenager with no life experience.


tl;dr I talked to my dad and feel like he is becoming more of a stranger, which is what I want to happen to the rest of my family, even though it makes me feel bad to say that.

JimmyJazz:
My laptop's still not fixed and financial aid issues, drama etc. have kept my away from the forum so I feel I owe people a blog post to show I'm not dead. In between taking five intense classes/having to go to the compute lab everday for hours to do homework/working two jobs to pay for college I've been trying to fit in band practice/hosting a radio show/attemps to seduce with a beautiful girl who plays guitar and loves the Stooges (this goal is obviously way more important than anything else.) Just finished a huge-ass paper and spending some time surfing the net because there's no way two hours of sleep before my 8 am will do me good anyway.

To people dealing with bullshit, I hope y'all feel better. I wish I could come up with something more eloquent then that but right now my brain's kaput. Hope I can be more active on the forum again in a  few months when life's not so crazy; until then, take care everyone!

bainidhe_dub:
Holy bajeezus work is busy, which would not be so bad, except it's really busy and we basically have at least one show every day for the next two weeks or so. And the schedule was not created with enough time to get people while they were not booked up, so now I am at the part I hate, where I have to call every single person on the labor list and beg them to work. And it might be easier to convince them if the company had not been so broke last month and therefore really fucking bad about paying people.

Barmymoo:
I just finally managed to get through to the man who had accepted me as a tutor, and my gut instinct was correct: he'd changed his mind. He thinks the rate is too high for someone with no formal teaching experience, and even tried to get me to agree to a private, non-agency arrangement (naturally with less money involved). I wouldn't have done that anyway even if I'd wanted to but accepting private jobs is the quickest way to get fired from the agency so I said no. Also, I just accepted another possible job teaching GCSE level English which is much closer - it'd take ten minutes to get there rather than two hours - and better paid, plus I'd far more enjoy teaching GCSE English than KS2. So fingers crossed that I can get this one and they actually want me.

I went to the dentist (again) today, after going two days ago but not having any money to pay for the appointment. I was 35 minutes late going in, and then she spent literally one minute looking at my teeth and mumbling incomprehensible things to her assistant before she was suddenly saying things about local anaesthetic and injections. I had no idea what was going on; it wasn't until I read the computer screen that I realised she meant I need a filling. So I'm going back on Monday to get that.

I've never had a filling :( I'm a bit scared of the anaesthetic and I hate the idea that they're going to put something into my teeth. I always thought I had good teeth, and I miss my old dentist who was really nice and explained everything and addressed me by name, rather than treating me like I'm on some kind of dental conveyor belt. Sadly he's several hundred miles away and wouldn't be able to treat me anyway, since he's in a private practice and I'm now too old to be treated on the NHS there (they only take children as NHS patients).

Bah.

snalin:
I have finally understood how to prove limits through the formal definition of limits. It took some random youtube channel named Khanacadamy with a guy with serious teaching skills to explain that I don't have to find and epsilon from a random delta, but rather define an epsilon through a delta. Why couldn't anyone have said something like this as clearly sooner? This has taken faar too much out of my time, because I couldn't understand what was going on intuitively, so instead of finishing other papers, I've spent a lot of time not figuring what the hell was going on.

The reason for me being so stressed out by this is that I'm going to spend from tomorrow at 2 till Sunday night driving or hitting people with a sword (best hobby) over in eastern Norway, living in a tent camp, so there won't be much opportunity to finish the maths assignment and the philospohy paper that's due MONDAY AT TWO OH MY GOD. And most of Friday is going to be spent finishing the first big programming assignment (writing a java program that counts amounts of different character inputs, and writes these counts out, implementing methods for checking that the input is valid - not very hard, even after only two months at this, but it takes a fair amount of time, and it's too fun to skip), so this might be a late night.


Anyone that's interested in having another BBowl tournament? The new client on fumbbl runs directly in Java instead of having to be downloaded, and uses the new ruleset. It needs a bit more ironing in the user-friendly-department (you have to call your pass/hand-off action before you start moving?), but I think it might be great fun.

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