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Re: Whatever, Let's Have A Goddamn Blog Thread, But Try And Keep It Reasonable, pt B

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KvP:
I got to thinking about all the things that happened to me this year, this being the end of it and all. This year I had my first real friend, I think, the first person that for the longest time I felt I really had some sort of... affinity for, a connection to. I'd been lonely my entire life until I met her, I'd been convinced that I was going to stay that way, and it was exhilerating and frightening all at once to be in her orbit, and be around someone who was unabashed in her approval of me, warts and all (and lord knows I've given her reason to be frustrated over our time together) when I've never really approved of myself. But it sort of dawned on me tonight that for as much as I adore her, she never really asked to be the most important person in my life, and that I am being unfair to her by looking up to her so much.

It frustrates me, it infuriates me, really, because I'm trying my best with the faculties that I have but I can't seem to make good sense of anything. It's a terrible feeling, being assured that you're acting in a correct manner only for it to occur to you that you're doing it all wrong. It's a feeling I'm very familiar with. But it felt so right this time, you know? I have this fixation on "getting better", like 10 years down the road I'll be able to function as well as anyone else. But it's not going to happen like that. I feel like I'm changing but I'm staying the same. And Rae, bless her heart, has accepted the mentor role I've thrust upon her, and she even believes that she can help me become less of a mess in the years to come, but... I don't know. It's complicated. I haven't seen her in a month and I had all this pressure on my heart from missing her so much and now that my perspective has shifted that weight's been alleviated to a degree, so it's liberating in a way, but I also feel a lot of loss, because I was so convinced before that what I had was so special and brilliant and that I had reached this incredible turning point in my life. I love my friends a lot, probably more than I have any right to, but eventually we will drift from one another, and we'll forget, and it fucking kills me.

Then again, I can't trust my own faculties or my own judgment when it comes to these things. I could wake up tomorrow with the mind that I am indeed on the path to being a new man. Thing is, I don't really feel that ache in my chest that usually comes along with my irrational, pessimistic thinking.

Bah, things are messed up in me. Always have been. But I can't deny that I am in a different place, objectively, than I was a year ago. I just wish my grasp matched my reach. I do my friends a great disservice by being so disordered.

mooface:
Moan moan moan, I'm Maiada. I love shoes and unicorns.

Myamyamya, I'm so pretty, myayayaya.

Barmymoo:
Hi Tommy.

KvP, I think there's a lot of pressure on people these days to be something special or amazing, and that's maybe because there's so much opportunity to choose who you want to be. We don't live so much in a world of strict gender roles, class roles, racial roles and so forth and that means that people begin to feel that they are who and how they are because they've chosen to be that way, and that they have to somehow improve themselves to reach an imagined ideal that doesn't actually exist. It also means that it's much harder to know that you're "doing it right" because there's nothing to measure yourself against.

I don't know you and we've never met, so there's not much I can say specifically about you. But it might help you a little if you try not to think about "improving yourself" and just remember that there are no prizes for improvement, and you don't have to do or be anything. If there's something that really bothers you about yourself, not just because you're worried about what other people think but because it has a negative impact on you, then there's nothing wrong with trying to find a way around that. The main purpose of life, though, is to just get through it and try to enjoy it.

It sounds like this girl is a genuine friend, and unless she's actually come out and said to you "I don't like it that you care about me so much", then don't worry about it. Friendships do come and go but don't let them be characterised by the knowledge that they won't last forever. She wouldn't spend time with you if she didn't want to; it's likely that you mean just as much to her as she does to you.

I guess what I'm saying is, you're an OK guy and you aren't doing anything wrong by trying to be happy. You don't have to hit targets or meet expectations or do anything at all. You've got the freedom to be a complete asshole if you want, or a ballet dancer, or just a drifter. Everyone's idea of right and wrong is different, and that means that ultimately, there is no right or wrong way to act. You're the only person who should be deciding how and why you act.

I'm sorry if I've been a bit preachy here; ignore everything I've said if you want to!



Today feels like the holidays have ended, which is probably because my mum has decided that they have and is doing all kinds of houseworky things. I'm going to try and do a lot of work this morning and maybe go out tonight but not for too long, because it occured to me this morning that I've got today and tomorrow, and then I go away for the weekend and then we're back at college and I have exams in seventeen days. Christmas is over :-(

Jace:
I just spent the better part of an hour playing a pool game online against the computer. I finally managed to eek out a moral victory. There is currently some crazy funk song playing at the hotel. Seriously, this hotel as the best sound track.

Crazy Funk song.
Bohemian Rhapsody, Come on Eileen, Blitzkrieg Bop both down in easy listening/lounge style
Take on me, covered by Reel Big Fish (yeah, ska)
Ballroom Blitz
Some crazy version of Mahna mahna.
Crazy middle eastern style drumming and mandolin that gets really intense at parts.

I LOVE WORKING HERE.

(except there's no holiday pay)

Tom:
Oh hey Sydney-folk, fireworks in 'bout 13 minutes.

EDIT: Here's to the new year

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