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Afterwards... - an Evangelion fanfic
pwhodges:
I've never written any fiction (loads of manuals and reports, yes, but not fiction, even at school). It may be rather late to start. But yesterday when walking the dogs, I had this persistent idea, and when I got home, I tried writing it down. It's just an opening fragment, and I don't know if I will be able to continue it (I have some thoughts, but need to walk the dogs again); but I'll let you look at it.
It follows directly on from the end of the film Evangelion 3.33 'Q', so if you haven't seen that yet, it will mean nothing to you.
(click to show/hide)Afterwards...
=============
Eventually they came to a stockade of some kind.
It seemed to him that Asuka left them and went in, but he had no idea for how long. Time had stopped for him; all moments, past, present, and future, were the same as far as he was concerned. She reappeared, presumably after an interval, with three horses and a meagre supply of rations to enable them to continue their journey.
She didn't explain, and he could not have understood, that they had come to a settlement of survivors who had found ways of scratching a living from the remains. The settlers had helped out the travellers simply to enable them to be somewhere else when either rescue or capture caught up with them, in the hope that the settlement would not be noticed by Nerv or Wille.
He was on the back of a horse. Presumably Asuka had put him there. He'd never been on one before. He did nothing, and the horse moved, and was warm; and that was enough. He could see the other pilot on a horse as well. Presumably she had also never ridden horseback before, but she sat there with an air of accepting that people did this, and it worked, and there was nothing more to consider. Had Rei, his Rei, ever sat on a horse? Perhaps there had been an opportunity for her at school; but then, what did he really know of her? Had she also been a clone, like this other pilot? What would that mean? After all, his Rei wasn't like this other one. But what did it mean to be a clone? Were they human? Was he human himself? If he had spent fourteen years inside Unit-01, that was surely not anything a human could do - so what was he now?
They travelled on. He stayed alive, if this was life - he could no longer tell. The other pilot seemed to be more human than he himself. She silently followed Asuka's instructions, and led the horse that he couldn't conceive of controlling. But he still couldn't be sure what she was, really; he couldn't even be sure that Asuka herself was human, after what had happened to her so recently, it seemed to him - but so many years ago in fact. He recalled that her eye seemed strange, even with the patch, but knew nothing more than that.
Thinking, if we may call it that, of eyes brought his mind round to Kaworu. Kaworu, whose eyes had looked deep into his soul and shown him trust. Kaworu, who had started to fill the void in his heart that the other one, so reminiscient of Rei, had failed to do. Was he starting to recognise some greater similarity between Kaworu and Rei, he wondered, and, the thought struck him, did that mean that perhaps Kaworu was a clone, if Rei had been? His heart quickened for a moment, but then he was overwhelmed again by despair - if there were to be another Kaworu, a clone, would that one be like... no, he couldn't bear that. Better not to think than to have thoughts like that.
They travelled on. It is not recorded whether he stayed on the horse himself, or whether the others had to keep putting him back up. It didn't matter to him.
The idea of the horses comes from the storyboards in the background of Shirou Sagisu's Petit film. As I said, I don't know if I will have enough inspiration to continue - we shall see.
There is now a consolidated version on my website; this is and will remain the most up-to-date version.
pwhodges:
(click to show/hide)I exist to obey orders.
That had been all she had known: obey orders. But she was becoming aware that there were other things. After all, someone gave those orders; she didn't know why, and had no interest in that - but giving orders was different from just obeying them. The red one ordered her to get on a horse, and she obeyed; the red one ordered her to lead the horse bearing Shinji, and she obeyed. It was natural, it was the way of things.
I exist to obey orders.
She had been ordered to fetch the one called Shinji from where he had been. The pink one had tried to stop her, but she had not allowed that to prevent her from carrying out her order; she presumed the pink one had been ordered to stop her, but that was of no consequence to her. She had fetched Shinji, as she had been ordered to, and he had come without resisting. Shinji had been ordered to stay, to resist being fetched. She had heard the order being given. But if he had resisted, she would still have fetched him, as that was her order.
I exist to obey orders.
Shinji puzzled her... What was this puzzlement anyway? It was something that she had not experienced before fetching Shinji. This was the source of her puzzlement: he had not resisted - he had not obeyed the order. Although he had been ordered to stay, he had come with her willingly. There were those who gave orders, otherwise there would be no orders; there were those who obeyed, otherwise the orders would not be carried out. That was her world, but Shinji didn't fit into it. He had been given an order, but he had not carried it out, he had not obeyed. The pink one had been given an order, and had attempted to carry it out, though it had been necessary to ensure that she didn't succeed; the red one now gave her orders, but this was not so puzzling as receiving and giving orders were both parts of the world she knew.
I exist to obey...
But Shinji was different; he had not obeyed. He had been different after they had arrived as well. He said strange things to her; he gave her books; but he didn't give her orders. And yet he seemed puzzled - upset, was that the term? - when she didn't read the books even though she had not been ordered to, and when she didn't say things to him. He called her by her name, Rei Ayanami, but seemed to expect her to be someone else, even told that she was not Rei Ayanami. But what should she say? She had no orders to speak to him.
I exist to?...
During the fight the other pilots had spoken to her the same way that Shinji had done. So she had asked for an explanation, asked what "Rei Ayanami" would have done, but received no answer. She was Rei Ayanami; but like Shinji, the others seemed to be expecting a different person, even referring to "the original", another Rei Ayanami, as he had done. So when the end came, she survived. She had not been ordered to; but she had not been ordered to let herself be destroyed either. She had made a choice. She had acted without an order. This was strange, but it had seemed fitting, and it was why she had survived.
I exist!...
She had seen Shinji with the music player. She supposed it gave him pleasure, though this was a remote concept for her. He had dropped it, which she had not expected him to do, because he always carried it. Why had she picked it up? So that he could have it again, the thing that gave him pleasure? At the moment of doing it she had felt a flicker of... familiarity? As if it was something she had done before. But she couldn't have; she remembered what orders she had been given, and that had never been one of them. So, what?...
I...
(click to show/hide)Shinji! you stupid brat! Pull yourself together and hold on to that horse! We're nearly there and you're slowing us up!
He heard her, but he didn't hear her. It was like a dream, but it was not a dream. It had become apparent to him that he was no longer human, not a part of this world any more.
I saved Rei, but she was not saved;
I destroyed the angel, but the world was also destroyed;
I set out to repair what had been done, but it was made worse;
I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS.
He had trusted Misato, who had restored to him a kind of family life which his parents had left him without; but she had broken his trust, and lied to him. He had trusted Kaworu, who had patiently shown him that even after all that had happened there was hope; but he had been deceived and they had both paid the cost, and now he was left alone with the burden. He would never trust again; how could he, why would he even want to?
The horse moved on steadily; its warmth and motion were reassuring, or could have been. But he was not comforted by them. He would never be comforted; there was no way in which he could ever find consolation in a world which he - yes, he - had twice destroyed. The dead couldn't console him; and why should the living, whose lives he had made a misery?
He could hear talking. They had reached the point where it was safe for the rescue craft to pick them up. Asuka was speaking to someone about their journey, telling of how she had brought him only so that they knew where he was, how difficult the journey had been with him, how she would give them a detailed update. She told them to release the horses, because the settlers had probably followed secretly in the hope of recovering them.
Shinji!
A strange man's voice addressed him. He ignored it. As he knew he was no longer of this world, why should he react to it?
Shinji!
The voice was compelling, and somehow stirred him to glance towards it. The face seemed familiar, though changed by the years. He reluctantly allowed his mind to search back through memories of his past life, until he found the answer.
T..T..Touji?
I won't punch your face again while you're in that state. But when you have come to yourself enough, however long that takes, you will have just one chance to persuade me not to do it right then like I did before!
He collapsed on the ground in tears. They could do nothing with him.
pwhodges:
There will be a scene 4, but it's part of a different arc, and this scene demanded to be written straight away. I found writing direct speech hard, because it wanted to come out in my Oxford accent; and my attempt at an undefined dialect, as Touji really requires, feels rather forced to me. It is, of course, an argument with Asuka; but there's no need for you to see her words, as it's plain enough what she's saying.
(click to show/hide)No, Asuka, I won't let yer keep disrespecting him like that. It's no help going 'n ranting at him; no wonder he's still curled up in a ball! That's why I'm barring yer from the detention wing.
Yer got it, I'm pulling rank. Here, in this back-of-beyond base's security block, I'm the boss, get it?
No, yer don't need to talk to him, 'cause they're sending Sakura; it seems they think she has the best chance to pull him out of his funk, 'n I think they're right.
Yer seem to f'get that I knew him before you did. Yeah, I even punched his pretty face when he hurt my little sister. But y'know what? - then he went and saved my sorry skin, just like nothing had happened.
No, you don't get it. I was in there with him. They'd compromised the operation to save me 'n Kensuke, but he knew he still had to win, even when they said to give up. Thing is, he's all about doing what's right, yer see, whatever the trouble it brings him. Man, he was hurting during that fight, but he just kept on!
Don't yer go calling him an idiot like you always do! He's weird, right enough, but he's not an idiot. And yeah, I'd trust him with my life.
Sure yer got hurt, and he didn't save yer. But the others didn't, too, remember. And y've seen the recordings, y've seen how he tried to do nothing just to avoid hurting you, and he tried to stop the dummy system hurting you too. He wanted to save yer more than anything; he was desperate! Y've had the pain, course yer have, but can't yer see the pain he went through 'cause of that?
He ran away, sure, but he came right back when he was needed, and defeated the strongest angel yet.
I know, everything went crazy after that, but y'know what - I don't buy the official report; looks like a whitewash to me, specially seeing how Nerv broke up not so much later. I wanna hear what he says! No one's even asked him yet, have they. And remember, it seems it was like only a few weeks ago for him, so his memory's still fresh.
Yeah, yeah - it all went down again; I know well enough. That's why y're here. And that's why I wanted to punch his face when I saw him - he hurt my sister again disregarding her heartfelt plea to stay out of the Evas. But like I said, I wanna hear what he says before I do that, 'cause I trusted him. Anyways, first we gotta get him human again, and y're not helping; so like I said, stay away and leave Sakura to deal with him, right? Right?
pwhodges:
(click to show/hide)(In which Sakura is patient with Shinji - the scraps of conversation reported here take place at varying intervals on different days.)
Shinji?
...
You don't have to answer if you're not ready; but remember, I'm just here to listen, 'kay?
...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Shinji? I want to take the opportunity to say: thank you. I know that the day I was injured, what you did saved us all. I got better afterwards, but that was only even possible because you saved us, so thank you!
...
Shinji?
...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Shinji? Can you remember what happened? Are you able to tell me about it yet?
K-kaworu told me that the ruin of the world was m-m-my fault, so I, ... I ... I was going to m-make everything right again. Kaworu said I c-could. B-but ... then that happened. And Kaworu ... died. He was w-wrong; what he t-told me was a lie. How could he lie? He said we were friends! Everyone lies to me! Has it really been f-fourteen years? You've been l-living in this ruined world f-for fourteen years?
Yes, Shinji, we have. As you can see here, it's not all like the geofront; but it's bad enough.
But you didn't lie. You told me n-not to get in the Eva, and I did, and you were right, and it would have been better if I hadn't. And now you must be angry with me again; and T-touji will punch me again. I deserve to be punched - but it won't make the world better.
Shinji, can you tell me: why did you get in the Eva?
My father t-told me to. And Kaworu told me that we could change the world with the Eva, so I went with him, and we were going to pull the spears out, and Asuka was trying to stop us, and Kaworu was saying things, but I was getting confused so I did it anyway to make things better, and Kaworu died, and...
...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Shinji, can you remember anything from before?
There was an angel. It was supposed to be a new Eva, but it was an angel, and it was consuming Asuka! I was there to stop it, but I knew that if I attacked with the plug still in Asuka might be killed! I didn't want to do anything that would kill or hurt Asuka. I refused to attack Asuka, but then my father made the Eva do it anyway! And I tried to stop it! I tried to get him to stop! And then the entry plug got crushed and I thought Asuka must have been killed. I couldn't save her! I wanted to save her, but my father made the Eva attack without considering her, and I couldn't stop it! That's why I never wanted to pilot again! The angel was killed, but the Eva had killed Asuka, I thought, though in fact she was alive, but perhaps the angel had also injured her, and I couldn't stop it!
...
Could I have stopped it?
If I had attacked, could I have controlled the Eva and killed the angel without crushing the entry plug?
I could, couldn't I? You said it was okay when you got injured that time, because I killed the angel! I could have saved Asuka, or killed the angel while giving her less injuries! It's my fault what happened! Just like every time, it's my fault! I let my father do it! Oh Asuka! Asuka! I'M SORRY, ASUKA!
...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Shinji? Can you talk again? Are you ready to tell me about Rei?
The next angel came. Mari couldn't stop it, and Rei couldn't stop it; and I was leaving, but Mari told me I had to choose between letting the angel destroy the world or getting back in the Eva to fight it. So I went to fight the angel, and the angel ate Unit-00 and Rei, but I was able to stop it. And then I went into the angel's core to rescue Rei. I found her, but she said she could only remain there; but I was able to bring her out, and I was so happy that I'd been able to save her. I was in ecstasy - but then I don't remember anything else, and I woke up surrounded by guards ... and you told me that fourteen years had passed.
Then Ritsuko told me that I had been in Unit-01 all that time, but Rei had not come out with me - but I know I saved her! And then Rei came and rescued me and took me to Nerv, so I knew they'd been lying. But then I found that she wasn't like Rei. She behaved differently, and didn't remember what had happened to her, but her name was still Rei Ayanami! And after Kaworu had shown me the state of the world, and told me it was my fault - though I have no idea why - Fuyutsuki told me that Rei was in Unit-01 and the other pilot was a clone. And now I'm confused and I don't know what to think, or who's who, or what I've done, or who to believe.
I don't even know now who actually knows anything anyway. What has happened to the world? What has happened to me? What has happened to Rei?
...
Can I ask you for a favour?
What is it Shinji?
I'd like to be able to speak to the other pilot, the one who calls herself Rei Ayanami.
The by turns fragmented and manic style of Shinji's speech is deliberate, of course. There's also stuff that we know and he doesn't, which means that he might say things you don't quite expect. As in previous sections, it rewrote itself when I tried to commit it to paper, but I think pretty much everything I intended is there in some form. I don't know how long these conversations were spread over - perhaps a couple of weeks?
pwhodges:
This is nearing its dramatic denouement, now having 21 out of 25 scenes in place - and the next couple will be action-packed.
You can read it at fanfiction.net, or all on one page here (with planned future chapter headings). Detailed discussions of each scene are on another forum here.
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