Fun Stuff > BAND
Most Hurtful Record Review Ever
sjbrot:
I was kind of wishing that rockmidgets.com would be a website devoted entirely to mercilessly critiquing bands that feature kids between kindergarten and Grade Four.
If there isn't such a website, someone needs to start it. NOW.
tania:
Wish granted!
Except without the "band" part.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule
Spike:
I don't particularly care for reviews or the people who do reviews because I often times find myself not agreeing with them but I must admit that the Louis XIV review was hilarious.
ImRonBurgundy?:
i found some gems in the Aug/Sept 2005 issue of American Music Press.
--- Quote ---ALMIGHTY LUMBERJACKS OF DEATH
"Always Out of Control, but Never Out of Beer" CD
16 tracks-everything this Detroit band recorded during their tenure in the late 80s/early 90s. Musically, they drew heavily from the likes of the OPPRESSED and early BLITZ, and sound all the better for it. Lyrically, unfortunately, they were (are) retarded morons. They love the flag (so fucking join up and fight like a real man, you hypocritical fuck) and pussy. Not so good for your country, or women, I suspect. (RK)
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---BREAK THE SILENCE
"Merciless Mercenary" CD
One song is called "Flea Faced God". Another is called "Scroll Of Anger". The singer is named A.P. Hellthroat. These reviews just write themselves. But yo, about that singer's name, Hellthroat needs to be a band name. Someone please start a shitty metal band and call it Hellthroat. Then record a demo, send it to me, and I'll make fun of it because it has demons and dragons and shit on the cover. (STM)
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---DEMONS AND WIZARDS
"Touched By The Crimson King" CD
Holy shit, normally I'd clown on a band like this and say something about demons and wizards, but I'll be damned, they beat me to it. They've made a preemptive strike. They've got hand! Shit. Whatever. It's still an album about demons and wizards, so I win. No, we all lose. (STM)
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---DEW-SCENTED
"Issue VI" CD
Are you dead fucking serious with that name? Dew-Scented? That was the best you could come up with? (STM)
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---SMALL TOWNS BURN A LITTLE SLOWER
"Morality As Home Entertainment" CD
Over recent years, band names have been getting longer and longer, more vague, and more inane. I think, for the most part, we've all sat back and accepted it as the way it is. But I'm here to say I've had enough--because this one just pushed it a bit too far! Seriously--it's just too long, too bizarre, and just makes absolutely no sense. C'mon now guys--SMALL TOWNS BURN A LITTLE SLOWER--are you serious? Is this a fact? Do you know this is the case? Have you burned, say, a large town, and timed it and compared this to a small town? I'm truly interested in knowing the facts! Oh, and the band itself--they're doing the thing that the kids like. File with: ANBERLIN, THE RECEIVING END OF SIRENS, UNDEROATH, et al. (MWB)
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---VARIOUS ARTISTS
"What The Kids Want" CD
The title says it all, doesn't it? And they're right... this sampler of Tooth & Nail/Solid State bands is EXACTLY what the kid wants. Tight pop with hooks and screams. The bands featured are TERMINAL, WAKING ASHLAND, AS CITIES BURN, EAGER SEAS, and DISCOVER AMERICA. It's what the kids want! It sells! Is it what I want? No. (MWB)
--- End quote ---
Johnny C:
I desire a subscription to this magazine very much.
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