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Author Topic: Rules of metal  (Read 14949 times)

Bastardous Bassist

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Rules of metal
« on: 24 Feb 2006, 16:46 »
We've got rules for a number of different types of metal:
Rules of Prog Metal
Rules of Black Metal
Rules Nu Metal
Rules of Doom Metal
Rules of Power Metal and, of course, the sequel

Enjoy.
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Misereatur

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« Reply #1 on: 24 Feb 2006, 17:09 »
Quote

57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable



Made me laugh for 5 minutes..

Hail!
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Quote from: KharBevNor on 20 Feb 2008, 18:41
FREE JAZZ ISN'T FREE!

I am a music republican.

jariku

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Rules of metal
« Reply #2 on: 24 Feb 2006, 18:05 »
From the doom list:
Quote
41. If you are Doom, you are probably from Finland or Yorkshire.
42. Even if you're not Doom, if you're from Finland, you're probably still a miserable bastard.
57. Most importantly, and I can't stress this enough: Be from Finland!
98. Finland, Finland, Finland, the country where I want to be, pony trekking or camping, or just watching TV. Finland, Finland, Finland, it's the country for me!


Also, the Thergothon bits made me chuckle a bit.
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Kai

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Rules of metal
« Reply #3 on: 24 Feb 2006, 20:30 »
Quote
12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.



FTW


I read these a while ago. They win.
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Quote from: Mr. Doctor on 21 Sep 2009, 12:01
but the music sucks because the keyboards don't have the cold/mechanical sound they had but a wannabe techno sound that it's pathetic for Rammstein standars.

Storm Rider

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Rules of metal
« Reply #4 on: 24 Feb 2006, 22:07 »
These are hilarious because many of them are so very, very true. Especially the prog metal ones. Try telling a Fates Warning fan you like Awaken the Guardian. They get so angry, it's really funny.
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[22:06] Shane: and she was wicked just...lay there

Zaarin

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Rules of metal
« Reply #5 on: 24 Feb 2006, 22:59 »
Quote
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".


Hahaha, these are great.
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Luke C

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Rules of metal
« Reply #6 on: 25 Feb 2006, 04:03 »
Hehe. :) Qualiteh.
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"These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert to fleece the people, and now that they have got into a quarrel with themselves, we are called upon to appropriate the people's money to settle the quarrel." Lincoln in 1837

TrueNeutral

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Rules of metal
« Reply #7 on: 25 Feb 2006, 04:54 »
On 'nu-metal': 11. No guitar solos.

Hm. I'm pretty sure Slipknot and Disturbed do those now.
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Der Golem

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Rules of metal
« Reply #8 on: 25 Feb 2006, 05:51 »
From the doom list;
Quote
131. Life is like a chocolate box, some do without, others have plenty. It sticks in my throat, my stomach's in knots, while your box is so full, mine's perpetually empty


This totally wins.
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jcknbl

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Rules of metal
« Reply #9 on: 25 Feb 2006, 05:53 »
Quote
4. When conducting interviews always say the words "@#%$", "fag", and "@#%$".


What the hell? Why are all the normal curse words on this site censored but their cool with using the word fag which could actually be considered offensive.
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TrueNeutral

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Rules of metal
« Reply #10 on: 25 Feb 2006, 05:58 »
What's offensive about a bundle of sticks?
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Kai

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Rules of metal
« Reply #11 on: 25 Feb 2006, 06:21 »
Or a cigarette?
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Quote from: Mr. Doctor on 21 Sep 2009, 12:01
but the music sucks because the keyboards don't have the cold/mechanical sound they had but a wannabe techno sound that it's pathetic for Rammstein standars.

TrueNeutral

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Rules of metal
« Reply #12 on: 25 Feb 2006, 06:59 »
Humour indicates free mind. That's what.
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Storm Rider

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Rules of metal
« Reply #13 on: 25 Feb 2006, 10:30 »
Quote from: TrueNeutral
On 'nu-metal': 11. No guitar solos.

Hm. I'm pretty sure Slipknot and Disturbed do those now.


Actually, I'm pretty sure I had the misfortune of hearing a Slipknot song with a 'solo' in it. It was the most laughably pathetic thing I'd heard in a long time.
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[22:06] Shane: We only had sex once
[22:06] Shane: and she was wicked just...lay there

Bastardous Bassist

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Rules of metal
« Reply #14 on: 25 Feb 2006, 10:40 »
Hey, at least it's not as bad as Kerry King's "Oh my God!  What's happening with my hands!?" solos.  Though, I guess they're hilariously stupid, and Slayer acceptable enough to balance it out (though, I saw them live, and it was the most godawful experience, ever.  Even my friends who were huge Slayer fans thought it was horrible).
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Storm Rider

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Rules of metal
« Reply #15 on: 25 Feb 2006, 10:58 »
Quote from: Bastardous Bassist
Hey, at least it's not as bad as Kerry King's "Oh my God!  What's happening with my hands!?" solos.


Holy crap, I've finally found somebody else that shares my hate of Kerry King.

Anyway, I just read the second power metal one:

13. Gettysburg was not a magical kingdom. Shame on you, Jon Schaffer!
74. The band that slays together, stays together. Unless you slay each other. But that’s OK, because Varg doesn’t play power metal.
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[22:06] Shane: We only had sex once
[22:06] Shane: and she was wicked just...lay there

jcknbl

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Rules of metal
« Reply #16 on: 25 Feb 2006, 11:51 »
Lame.
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Kai

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Rules of metal
« Reply #17 on: 25 Feb 2006, 13:47 »
Quote from: Storm Rider

74. The band that slays together, stays together. Unless you slay each other. But that’s OK, because Varg doesn’t play power metal.


omg so awesome
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Quote from: Mr. Doctor on 21 Sep 2009, 12:01
but the music sucks because the keyboards don't have the cold/mechanical sound they had but a wannabe techno sound that it's pathetic for Rammstein standars.

kikanjuuneko

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Rules of metal
« Reply #18 on: 25 Feb 2006, 13:50 »
Hilarious, although I'd appreciate a couple for thrash and death.
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KharBevNor

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Rules of metal
« Reply #19 on: 26 Feb 2006, 07:10 »
I haven't read all of these.

Quote

24. If you can’t be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki.
25. Actually, don’t be Timo Tolkki.


It's sad that that had me almost literally roffling.

Quote
131. Life is like a chocolate box, some do without, others have plenty. It sticks in my throat, my stomach's in knots, while your box is so full, mine's perpetually empty


That one bought fucking JOY to my HEART.

(Just so everyone else knows, it's a quote from 'Inequality Street' by Skyclad. Making Skyclad based jokes is teh awesome. I remember, for example, a pretty meh metal webcomic I read all of simply because they used a Skyclad song title as the caption for one of their early comics.)
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http://panzerdivisio

Rubby

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Rules of metal
« Reply #20 on: 27 Feb 2006, 11:54 »
Quote from: Storm Rider
Holy crap, I've finally found somebody else that shares my hate of Kerry King.

You're not alone my friend those fucking solo's are the one single reason I hate Slayer. I dont care what the rest of the song sounds like, once those solo's come in I have to shut it off before I set my house on fire or something.
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Rubby

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Rules of metal
« Reply #21 on: 27 Feb 2006, 11:55 »
Quote from: Storm Rider
Holy crap, I've finally found somebody else that shares my hate of Kerry King.

You're not alone my friend those fucking solo's are the one single reason I hate Slayer. I dont care what the rest of the song sounds like, once those solo's come in I have to shut it off before I set my house on fire or something.
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kikanjuuneko

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Rules of metal
« Reply #22 on: 27 Feb 2006, 12:18 »
So, mind giving me your name and address so I can direct the nearest paddy wagon to your house, then?
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TrueNeutral

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Rules of metal
« Reply #23 on: 27 Feb 2006, 13:08 »
Quote from: Storm Rider
Quote from: TrueNeutral
On 'nu-metal': 11. No guitar solos.

Hm. I'm pretty sure Slipknot and Disturbed do those now.


Actually, I'm pretty sure I had the misfortune of hearing a Slipknot song with a 'solo' in it. It was the most laughably pathetic thing I'd heard in a long time.


You should hear Disturbed's. Hello Mr. Scale Excercise.
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Kai

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« Reply #24 on: 27 Feb 2006, 14:00 »
I almost want to go download a new Disturbed song JUST to hear it.
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Quote from: Mr. Doctor on 21 Sep 2009, 12:01
but the music sucks because the keyboards don't have the cold/mechanical sound they had but a wannabe techno sound that it's pathetic for Rammstein standars.

Rubby

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Rules of metal
« Reply #25 on: 27 Feb 2006, 17:11 »
Quote from: kikanjuuneko
So, mind giving me your name and address so I can direct the nearest paddy wagon to your house, then?

I dont get it.
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Borondir

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Rules of metal
« Reply #26 on: 27 Feb 2006, 21:30 »
I've seen all of those posted lots of times on metal forums.

One doom forum I go to has like two official additions to the doom rules.
 
People's obsessiveness can be hilarious, especially when you see too much of yourself in it.
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Bastardous Bassist

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« Reply #27 on: 27 Feb 2006, 21:33 »
Don't tell anyone, but I got these from my stint on the Metallica forums, which was long, long ago.
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Borondir

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« Reply #28 on: 27 Feb 2006, 21:52 »
Mettalica?!?  Don't worry you dirty secret is safe with me...

I haven't been to regular metal forums in a long long time...too many silly meatheads...but then most forums are bad that way.
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Kai

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« Reply #29 on: 28 Feb 2006, 14:09 »
I've never been on a proper metal forum. Probably because yeah, generally metelheads can be fucking retarded.
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Quote from: Mr. Doctor on 21 Sep 2009, 12:01
but the music sucks because the keyboards don't have the cold/mechanical sound they had but a wannabe techno sound that it's pathetic for Rammstein standars.

Misereatur

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Rules of metal
« Reply #30 on: 01 Mar 2006, 11:14 »
You have to be retarded to listen to a bunch of people screaming with distorted guitars.
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Quote from: KharBevNor on 20 Feb 2008, 18:41
FREE JAZZ ISN'T FREE!

I am a music republican.

Misereatur

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Rules of metal
« Reply #31 on: 01 Mar 2006, 11:14 »
You have to be retarded to listen to a bunch of people screaming with distorted guitars.
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Quote from: KharBevNor on 20 Feb 2008, 18:41
FREE JAZZ ISN'T FREE!

I am a music republican.
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