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Fun Stuff => CHATTER => Topic started by: Dewey Decimal on 27 Aug 2008, 14:02
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Yep the topic title says it all.
Last night my very drunken friend came out with:
"If you had as much leather as you wanted, cows would be endangered"
I wonder if he remembers saying that? So what's been the funniest thing said to you?
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HAHAH AH AH AH AHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HA HA AH AH AH AHA
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read www.overheardinnewyork.com (http://www.overheardinnewyork.com)
it's much funnier than you or your friends.
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Quick tip for the new posters:
Starting a thread with your first (or even second, or fifth) post is never a good idea. You will be reviled no matter what you have to say.
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Conductor on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, this last weekend I went to a club...never again. I walked in, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. I saw a beautiful lady across the bar, went up to her and said, "Where have you been all my life?" She said back to me "I think for the first half of your life, I wasn't born." This is 59th, Columbus circle, have a good day, ladies and gentlemen.
Awesome.
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Suit to another: It's so weird because there are so many people at the office who you'd never think to picture naked... Like Marcy: you'd never picture her naked. Alex: you'd never picture him naked. Derek: I've never pictured him naked.
Best one.
Edit:
Nevermind, I topped it.
Middle-aged white guy: ...so we told the children they couldn't go to the petting zoo, to see how they would react. (pause) It was interesting on a psychological level.
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Quick tip for the new posters:
Starting a thread with your first (or even second, or fifth) post is never a good idea. You will be reviled no matter what you have to say.
Because with your seventy posts you are a master of the forum?
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I never said that. Admittedly, I've lurked far longer than I've actually posted, but that was a bit of friendly advice, not an admonishment. I'm not lording anything over anybody. I'm trying to help new posters not be torn apart by the people with 1000+ posts.
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Shit.
Here I was thinking the more posts I had, the bigger my genetalia would be.
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it only starts getting bigger after 300 posts.
there has to be a buffer to keep people from trying gain a quick inch without doing any actual work.
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You know sometimes when new people start posting, they start posting quality threads. There was nothing wrong with this one aside from the fact that it's "What was the funniest thing anyone's ever said to you," not "What is the funniest thing you can find on overheardinnewyork.com."
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Whoops.
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it only starts getting bigger after 300 posts.
there has to be a buffer to keep people from trying gain a quick inch without doing any actual work.
Isn't this what "The Kenny" thread was all about?
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Here I was thinking the more posts I had, the bigger my genetalia would be.
Duh. Why do you think Tommy started posting on a new account?
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I think that's the most self-deprecating thing I've ever read you type, Anyways.
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This is actually a really good idea for a thread.
The funniest thing ever said to me was by my brother. He pushed me down and said in a very serious voice, "A very merry unbirthday!" and punched me in the face.
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"...ok, so you're really going to find this funny. We had this fat guy come into surgery today and i had to help tape has ass cheeks to the hospital gurney with super strength hospital duct tape so we could operate on his butthole"
-my gf describing her first week of her surgery rotation.
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My friend Ryan and I were joking around about this girl we know, and he said tried to (jokingly) say "That's when you rape the shit out of her,"* and it came out as "shitting rape." So we made shitting rape jokes for the next ten minutes while laughing hysterically.
*Neither Ryan nor I condone rape, ever, at all, whatsoever. It is an awful, terrible thing.
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my high school biology teacher.
'so the colors of the spectrum. roy g biv. so that's red... orange... yellow........ um.... g..... blue.... indigo.... purple.'
customer service clerk at walmart, while i am trying to return a circular knitting needle that came apart as soon as i opened it.
'so it broke into two pieces? that's good, isn't it? how could you knit if they were tied together like that?'
jason, in a context known to some of you and better left unknown to the rest.
'back to melon fucking.'
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It seems weird that your teacher would've forgotten green, of all colors, over violet or indigo.
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jason, in a context known to some of you and better left unknown to the rest.
'back to melon fucking.'
She speaketh the truth, lords and ladies.
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one of my favourites comes courtesy of a girl i lived with a couple of years ago. we were at a restaurant that supplied trivial pursuit cards at every table.
"okay sarah, this is a drug named after the greek god of dreams, morpheus."
"oh, that's methane!"
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*Facepalm.*
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so i got told i was cute this one time,
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One of my female coworkers got asked what happened to the food case (there were no pastries in it) and she said "the football team came in and ate us all out."
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The point of the post count, however, is as big as Lunchy's dick: It's literally nonexistant.
hahah.
um i dunno, i've gotten a lot of ridiculous insults over the past few days.
apparently i have a" frumpy exterior" and look like i have facial paralysis and wear a wig and am just generally ugly and mean-spirited and jealous of every single girl on the internet, even the ones who are actually dudes in real life.
that's news to me. :lol:
edit-i guess that's only funny if you know what i look like.
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so i got told i was cute this one time,
lol (http://www.instantrimshot.com)
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'so the colors of the spectrum. roy g biv.
That's a terrible mnemonic. "Richard of York gave battle in vain" works much better. Plus it doubles as a history lesson!
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Famously, Darryl's dad once called These Estates my "failed band."
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Darryl's dad can see the future?
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Or the present, depending on your point of view.
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I friend of mine was once trying to end a dispute and said, "this may be a cheese burger but I like pineapples".
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"I'll punch you so hard your head will go into your skulll"
How that makes any sense is beyond me, and also now the friend who said it to me.
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so i got told i was cute this one time,
lol (http://www.instantrimshot.com)
i hovered over that link and saw the website was named 'www.instantrimshot.com'. i think being on the internet so long has taught me to be very very wary of such sites.
i clicked on it anyway. it was totally innocent. i was, i'll admit, slightly dissapointed.
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"I'll punch you so hard your head will go into your skulll"
amazing
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That's a terrible mnemonic. "Richard of York gave battle in vain" works much better. Plus it doubles as a history lesson!
i scrolled down to reply to this and by the time i got to the bottom i had forgotten your mnemonic already. i don't really find it all that hard to just remember red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet... but i'll sill be sticking with roy g biv. thanks anyway, harry. <3
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In my AP Bio class there was this incredibly pathetic nerd who would tell stories. The teacher would respond with "... And you will never get that five minutes of your life back. Thanks, Ryan." With perfect deadpan delivery. Mr. Lawson was at the same time both totally awesome and a total dick.
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I had a friend when I was a kid who told me "I like pain, just not when it hurts." I think that about wraps up a boy's desire to be macho as much as anything I've ever heard.
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jason, in a context known to some of you and better left unknown to the rest.
'back to melon fucking.'
I never said that!
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your name is jason too? i don't think we've been properly introduced. hi, i'm yelley. :wink:
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While fishing down a small local stream one day I came upon an elderly gentleman. I said "Morning sir" to which he replied "My wife won't let me do anything." I just nodded and continued on downstream.
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My brother drunk dialed me a few days ago and was telling me about how awesome the trip he was on was, and how he had managed to get out of work the next morning with what he called the "only five words you need." Now, knowing my brother, I was bracing myself for just how far he was willing to go to get out of work; "my grandma died last night," "my mom's in the hospital," "I shot my own foot," etc. But no, he had to top 'em all:
"There's blood in my stool."
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Today, I'm waiting to for one of my housemates to arrive home, because I've cunningly left my keys at home again, and an old lady walks past. I nod, say "Hi" or something, and smile at her. She says that she's had a bad day, and I think to myself, fair enough, so have I. She walks on.
Then she starts ranting at me, all the way down the street, shouting at me. Why? Apparently, our mailbox is horribly offensive because it has the number 25 on it. Leaving aside the fact that it actually says 2S, what the everliving fuck?
There was also the extremely drunk guy at a music festival four years ago who continually claimed to everyone that he would "Kill you in the face."
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read www.overheardinnewyork.com (http://www.overheardinnewyork.com)
it's much funnier than you or your friends.
I whole-heartedly agree with this statement.
I also throw out: Not Always Right (http://www.notalwaysright.com) which is a lot of the stupid (but hilarious) things that customers have said to those of us in the customer service/retail/sales biz.
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Back when I was a market research interviewer I made a call to a home run business, asking to speak to the person who handles the finances of the business (going to the bank, paying the bills etc...). A guy picks up the phone, he was 50 if he was a day, and I ask to speak to the finance person and he replies "Oh, that's Melanie*, my wife. She usually handles that sort of thing." So I obviously ask if I can speak with her and without missing a beat the guy just says
"Oh, nah sorry mate, I don't let her use the phone."
*Names have been changed because I honestly can't remember what they actually were.
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your name is jason too? i don't think we've been properly introduced. hi, i'm yelley. :wink:
This is your cue to run frantically, RedLion. Just to let you know.
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My younger brother when we were like 10 or 12 ish "Go push ten thousand mushrooms" instead of the usual "Go f@#$ yourself"
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A friend singing out of boredom while waiting for a train:
"She was an American girl.. livin' in a lonely world. Oh wait.. shit."
Same friend:
"I'm just saying, a lot of songs are about anal sex. And seriously, it doesn't even matter."
My 9th grade music teacher while describing every instrument in an orchestra pit:
"The contra-bassoon.. well shit, basically it looks like a really big bong."
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This is, in no way, the funniest thing that anyone's ever said to me, but it's been cracking me up all week. I was talking to my friend Seth; he was in Chicago riding the L, telling me a story about something, but something more interesting to me was on TV, and I said "cool, but you're missing ____" (I can't remember for the life of me what it was.) His response--and he is the whitest man ever, and has never used this word before--"I got TiVo, nigga!"
It was funny enough for him to say it, but we have both begun taking that line out of context and using it in nonapplicable situations. Such as:
My roommate: "Aren't you going to go to bed? It's 3 A.M."
Me: "I got TiVo, nigga!"
This probably isn't the least bit humorous to anyone reading this, though. In fact, it probably makes me sound like an ass. And soon it will just become one of those inside jokes between friends that they pretend are still soooo hilarious, but theyboth really know that it's just stupid now and not funny at all, yet they still laugh at it.
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This is your cue to run frantically, RedLion. Just to let you know.
so bryan, are you implying that i fuck up people's lives or something? just curious.
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yeah... i guess maybe you're right.
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holo-cowst? thats liek the holocaust only with cows!
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Conversation with Brett (Hat) in Gabbly tonight
Man, Brett is one of my favourites.
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holo-cowst? thats liek the holocaust only with cows!
Man, I am very difficult to offend. In fact, even the holocaust aspect of the joke doesn't offend me. I am, however mortally offended by just how unfunny that is.
Protip: If you're going to say something in poor taste, at least make it unbelievably funny so as to justify saying it.
For example, several chapters of the Israeli Rocky Horror Picture Show call themselves RHPS Holo-casts. This is funny.
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Calculus teacher
We look at red. I see red. You see a different red. But who cares? It's red!
Then 90 minutes of senile ranblings.
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He's right you know.
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That is why solipsism is fail. Clearly there's enough consistency between individuals' perceptions that it doesn't matter if they are, in fact, different.
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In our gaming group, we were going to a city called Ba-sing Sey (I think thats how you spell it, how the hell should I know?)
And of course, this city has giant walls. So, I said the only logical thing.
"Lets just walk in"
My friend Jeremy looked at me in the most serious face ever and said "One does not just walk into Ba-sing Sey"
5 minutes of laughter commenced. We thought it was funny. I'm sure you won't.
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So that was just a city in your game? It'd be funnier if you said that when you were actually going to a real live walled city, like Tallinn in Estonia or Visby in Sweden.
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I think a lot of times one just has to be there to find something funny, but to contribute:
Marshall: Haha.
Ugh.
My own mother drew nudes...
:|
Elizabeth: ...
Marshall: I was like, "Mom. Eww!" And she was like, "The human body is beautiful!"
Hippies.
Elizabeth: Yeah. That's exactly why people have sex in the dark. ;)
Marshall: Haha.
Having sex in the dark might be hard...
What if you tripped and fell? It'd hurt and stuff. Like, "Oh hey, I'm going to go have sex. Ow! That hurt!"
No wonder so many old people die having sex... they're sensitive to falls as it is and the trip over some chia pet or something and... s'all she wrote.
Elizabeth: Haha.
Marshall: Oh yeah, they blame it on strokes and heart failure.
Uh-uh.
We all know it's the chia pets!!
Elizabeth: Haha. I don't think most people get up and walk around during sex, love. ;)
Marshall: Well you have to walk from the light switch to the bed!
There are bound to be chia pets in the way!
Edit: This isn't the funniest thing anyone's ever said to me, just a funny thing said to me.
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In our gaming group, we were going to a city called Ba-sing Sey (I think thats how you spell it, how the hell should I know?)
And of course, this city has giant walls. So, I said the only logical thing.
"Lets just walk in"
My friend Jeremy looked at me in the most serious face ever and said "One does not just walk into Ba-sing Sey"
5 minutes of laughter commenced. We thought it was funny. I'm sure you won't.
... The impenetrable city for Avatar? You were doing an Avatar game?
Did you try using a giant drill/train thing?
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Overheard on a bus.
'I didn't think I needed a condom coz like, I'm already pregnant, and like, once you're pregnant... you can't get like... MORE pregnant, right?'
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She has a point.
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*friend whilst high* If grey is the new black whats the new orange *cue silence as everyone ponders how profound this guy is*
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This probably isn't the least bit humorous to anyone reading this, though. In fact, it probably makes me sound like an ass. And soon it will just become one of those inside jokes between friends that they pretend are still soooo hilarious, but theyboth really know that it's just stupid now and not funny at all, yet they still laugh at it.
I'll make you a deal. I will start randomly interjecting 'I got TiVo, nigga' into random but fitting conversations if you start shouting 'Bring On The Trumpets' for no real reason halfway through similar points.
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Back when I was still in school, a fairly respectable science commentator came to my school to speak to my class.
"See, that's why you shouldn't be involved with anyone crazier than you. The sex is excellent but it's not worth it in the long run".
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I went to this metal festival out in the country a couple of years ago. It was in a little valley and it got absolutely freezing at night so my friends and I, stoned out of our minds set up a little gas burner thing inside the tent, with the strict rule of "if you are inside the tent, you are sitting down at all times" eventually more people began to come into the warm tent and a couple of them were dumb enough to want to dance near the open flames. At this point a dude named Curly stands up, grabs them and forces them to sit down and says:
"We are stoners in a fucking tent! This is not a fucking night club. If you are in this tent then you sit the fuck down."
Several minutes later I was discussing time travel paradoxes with a friends girlfriend whe Curly pipes up again with "We are not rocket scientists. We're stoners in a fucking tent. Start talking about metal damn it!"
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I was in an argument with a friend once. He had the comeback "Dude..you should've been a blowjob".
I know it was an insult, but it caught me just right, and I fell over laughing.
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'' What if your mother had a blowjob and then kissed you goodnight? ''
I still have no idea why.
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Have you guys ever heard of making a fire outside of the tent, Jimmy?
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My friend in a structures lecture spent half an hour laughing like crazy real quiet, and though no-one knew why, they were laughing as well from behind their books. When we asked him what was so funny, he said he thought the lecturer had said "shit wall" instead of "shear wall". It was the most unfunny thing I've ever heard.
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'' What if your mother had a blowjob and then kissed you goodnight? ''
I still have no idea why.
That might just be the greatest first post in the history of this forum.
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"I don't even like the word homophobic because it has 'homo' in it." - DigeriDave
My housemate is full of stupid things like that. Tonight he informed me that "super glue is sticky".
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"I don't even like the word homophobic because it has 'homo' in it." - DigeriDave
My housemate is full of stupid things like that. Tonight he informed me that "super glue is sticky".
You should let him know that it gets really slick if used as a masturbatory aide. It just needs a lot of friction to do that.
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It amazes me how much crap is hilarious when you are drunk/stoned/hopped up on goofballs. It's also amazing how much of this stuff is just downright stupid afterwards.
While playing D&D when I was 16 (and drunk off of Schlitz... I know, but like I said, I was 16!), we ran into a werewolf, and got initiative. A friend of mine Andre called his action as "Kick him in the gnards!"
I still wonder why I thought that was so funny.
Advice! Only try this when the DM is drunk, too. We got a free couple rounds for the werewolf being stunned.
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Wolfman's got nards! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qu6L9pG_E6o)
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My friend told me about the closest he had ever been to having romantic feelings for someone:
"You know, I thought I had feelings for her, but then I realized that I just needed to take a dump."
I guess that's funny in a kind of weird and sad way (and no, he's not five).
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So he gave a shit until he took a shit, huh?
:lol: 8-) :-) :| :-(
...sorry.
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Aw man, I'm surprised you even admit we have the same parents.
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You were an accident.
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... Because you started it!
Sorry, I just had to. Now, let's unclog this thread!
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man, that was fairly funny at the time...'My sister was an accident. Just...don't tell her.'
True story. One of my friends said it. She still doesn't know.
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similar thing happened to me once. my friend's (let's call him "Steve") parents once, for some ungodly reason, told me "hah Steve's totally adopted. shh don't tell him, he doesn't know."
this secret knowledge had been a burden ever since...until i realized that someday, when the time is right, i can use this against him in some way. it will be amazing.
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Reverse Bel-Air it and stick it on youtube. (http://xkcd.com/464/)
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A text I got from a friend this afternoon.
"Man, I wish I had some hoes. Then maybe God would make it rain and I wouldn't have to mow the goddamn lawn."
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The funniest thing that anyone ever said to me was not said by a person, but rather by a TV, and it was not said to me but rather to a friend of mine while I was in the room.
It was "Do you have feelings of sexual attraction towards your friend Joe?"
To put this in its absurd, absurd context, we were both shrooming our heads completely apart, the TV had just turned on entirely spontaneously and without any input from either of us (we figured out later that it had been TiVo's fault), and the first image the TV showed, as it asked this question, was a massive marquis proclaiming it to be "The Moment of Truth."
So picture yourself ... hanging out with one of your best friends, in the middle of enjoying some overwhelmingly good drugs, you're both entirely psychologically vulnerable, your heads are too goofy for either of you to form a complete sentence without serious effort, and without even the slightest warning, the TV in the room switches on, declares a "Moment of Truth," and asks your friend if they want to have sex with you.
Fucking classic.
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that's fucking amazing
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I remember the post where you talked about that whole trip.
That was an even greater post!
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Have you guys ever heard of making a fire outside of the tent, Jimmy?
Fire-ban dude. It's kind of illegal to start a fire almost anywhere here.
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So to skirt the law you lit a fire inside your tent? Good thinking.
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Stoners in a tent!
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So to skirt the law you lit a fire inside your tent? Good thinking.
Clearly, the law has nothing to do with the flammability of the continent and everything to do with the sense of its inhabitants.
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Stoners in a tent!
I would go see this band.
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I would go see a band named "I would go see this band". In fact, if I ever make a band, that's a possibility for a name. Oh, and I wish I had something to actually... uh, contribute to this thread, but I'm too tired to think of funny things right now. I'll edit later.
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me and my mate were having a drunken argument over which one of us is the more evil, when he burst out with
"i'm evil! i'd shit in a bin full of orphans without even breaking a sweat!"
we decided on the spot that our band would use that as the title for our next song...
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From overheardinnewyork:
Giggling drunk girl #1: Look! Someone spilled Kool-Aid all over that seat! Or at least I hope it's Kool-Aid.
Giggling drunk girl #2: It very well could be Hawaiian Punch.
Giggling drunk girl #1: I don't even want to know what happened if it was Hawaiian Punch!
I experienced serious deja vu while reading this. I am pretty sure I have had this conversation before with my best friend.
The point of this is that nothing you ever say will ever be unique or original, regardless of how clever you think it is.
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Did you have that conversation in New York?
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(http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c213/hey_there_fatty/ISTILLbeshittinonanigga.gif)
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Hahahaha oh god I feel terrible for laughing at that.
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Sitting around hungover at a first house for breakfast when some guy the host knew walked in the back door
"Oh that's just <blank> he always comes in Caia's backdoor."
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"Best friends wash each others sacks"
Woke up hearing my friend saying this as I was waking up from a nap his bed. I pulled the blanket up and cupped my balls for protection.
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The point of this is that nothing you ever say will ever be unique or original, regardless of how clever you think it is.
This has been said in Neal Stephenson's book Anathem. It is the philosophy of the Lorites. It's a good book.
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"Best friends wash each others sacks"
Woke up hearing my friend saying this as I was waking up from a nap his bed. I pulled the blanket up and cupped my balls for protection.
Aww man, you should no you got nothin to be worried about
first date
no tongue
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I really hope they were joking but i overheard a girl say to her friend:
"I'll get an abortion if you get one"