THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)
Fun Stuff => CHATTER => Topic started by: Mister D Nomms on 06 Mar 2012, 00:46
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I'm watching a video of myself from about 2007 and there have been huge changes in my life that can't be changed back. When I see the me in the video I don't see mee in the past. I see another person. I hate that person. I always think of that me as being different from the current me. The current me is picking up pieces from the last one and trying to use them. I've had this cycle going for a while. Instead of one life, I seem to be living many short lives. Sometimes I create content for the new lives to use. I filled 3 or 4 cassette tapes full of nonsensical babbling so that one of my future lives will be able to use it for something.
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That is life, we move through different phases and adapt to whatever is thrown at us. It is the human condition. At least you are not like me where you act like two different people depending on what social ring you're in. Humans were born to adapt, we need to to live in all of the different environments. How responsive and flexible we are with these adaptations has to do with our past and personalities.
These changes and reevaluations are part of personal progress and growth, and yes, many times it is a bitch to put up with, but as long as you have confidence in your actions and who you are, you should make personal progress. (That's not to say lack of confidence is negative, we all go through these stages regularly. Just try not to do anything terrible to yourself while you are in these stages)
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I feel the same way. Also, I often dread major changes in my life, since I know this will mean I will once again become a different person, meaning I could lose a lot of stuff I like about my current self.
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There's so much I want to say to this, and so little that I can. My life has taken so many unexpected turns, and I've reacted poorly to so many of them that I wonder what kind of person I am at times - certainly not the one I meant to be.
Oh yeah, I'm putting together the materials for my annual evaluation. Another disappointing year.
Pretend this is crosslinked to the pessimism thread.
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I feel this way whenever I see old photographs. It's okay though, because I knew at the time that I didn't like the person that I was then, so I didn't let photos happen very much. Ever since my stint on Albanian reality TV, though, I just stopped giving a fuck. Which became a direct line toward me becoming more like the person I wanted to be. I'm still not there, but then again, none of us are. It's a process.
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I don't think I need to go into a lot of detail how much I've changed. My gender identity's changed a number of times. Who I've presented as. The sheer number of names I've gone by (it's up to around a dozen now, and I'll answer to most of them, though I'll be surprised at different times - it's weird when someone I haven't talked to in years calls me Ashley, since that was my middle name).
I've put on a ton of weight, and lost about a hundred pounds overall.
Some days I look in the mirror and see a boy, some days I see a girl.
I've flirted with a hundred different philosophies and each time I never commit, but they change me ever so slightly.
(I'm surrounded by nihilists who think that life is pointless and the world should burn; I'm more along the lines of "life is pointless, let's go get ice cream!")
I've moved 35 times in the last 10 years. I tell people all my secrets, and then I lie about my past.
I used to be angry all the time for no reason. I've learned to quiet that rage before it destroyed me, and now I'm being taught how to use that rage to fuel me, instead.
I used to never know who I wanted to be. Growing up, I alternated between wanting to be a geologist and wanting to be a tap-dancer. Then I picked up a guitar and never wanted to stop playing music.
(I still wanna be a tap-dancer from time to time, and when I go bowling I rhythmically snap my shoes against the polished floors, loving that loud, crisp sound)
I developed a taste for whiskey
and never one for beer
I used the internet as a social life
then I used it to have one in the real world
then I stopped caring and spend days offline at a time, and I'm much happier that way
I'm still depressed but these days and each thought of suicide is just a passing vehicle rather than elaborate plans and fantasies
but I'm coping
some days I think poetry is a way to inflict your pain on others
sometimes your pretension
sometimes just another way of saying the same old bullshit
other times I just don't care and like the way two words fit together so well
(or three words, or four, or all of them woven together)
I stopped listening to classic rock and picked up folk music
I stopped listening to folk music and picked up shitty mainstream industrial and have no shame about it
my name when I draw is different than my name when I sing is different than my name when I write is different than my name when you love me is different than my name when you see me walking down the street
so I don't think there's two of me
I don't think there's a proper number for how many of me there are, just in this world alone, much less who I could have been had all my choices been different because let's face it
if I did everything like they told me to, I could have been someone by now
but fuck that
because success is miserable for me
(at least their standards of success and i will define my own life thank you very much)
and sometimes I wonder who I could have been
and sometimes when I can't sleep at night I close my eyes and imagine all the places I've ever slept and picture myself sleeping there again
(here is the dresser
and here is the bed
and here is the window and where the heat comes in
and here is the door to run away from all of this old bullshit that never goes away)
sometimes i hate where i ended up and sometimes i wonder if i could ever be happier and sometimes i feel like the luckiest goddamn queer in the world and sometimes i wonder why life has to be this goddamn hard all the goddamn time
i used to want to be crazy because it seemed fun
and then when i went crazy i just wanted to be normal because it wouldn't hurt so much
and now i'm compromising between the two and i've stopped trying to call myself either and i'm just me for better or worse
(people seem to like me better now)
(I know I do)
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also the modify button looks like a little penis
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I'm watching a video of myself from about 2007 and there have been huge changes in my life that can't be changed back. When I see the me in the video I don't see mee in the past. I see another person. I hate that person. I always think of that me as being different from the current me. The current me is picking up pieces from the last one and trying to use them. I've had this cycle going for a while. Instead of one life, I seem to be living many short lives. Sometimes I create content for the new lives to use. I filled 3 or 4 cassette tapes full of nonsensical babbling so that one of my future lives will be able to use it for something.
I've had this same thought about myself. I see myself in several stages: Childhood to 7th grade (13 yrs), 7th grade to mid-highschool (3 or 4 yrs), mid-highschool to first year college (2 or 3 yrs), first year college to end of boot camp (3 yrs), end of boot camp to now (5 yrs). I'm still debating on whether a new "age" began at some point a couple years ago when I graduated college, but the previous statement is pretty accurate for me.
If I went back and met any of my "former" selves, I'd definitely be having some heart-to-heart talks with myself. Especially my jr high/high school self...
But then again, would I still be the same person I am now if I went back and changed anything? Ahh, the fun of "What could have been...".
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(I know I do)
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Zingo, you are wonderful and amazing, and if the opportunity ever arises, I'd love to meet you in person.
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depending on how things work out I will probably end up in Fredonia/Jamestown area NY for a couple days this summer
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Now seems like a good time to post the details of my choir's America tour (http://www.sel.cam.ac.uk/chapel/ChoirOrgan/Performances/). Scroll to the bottom of the page and if anyone happens to be in any of those places at those times, let me know! I've no idea where places in NY are but if Fredonia/Jamestown are anywhere near Brooklyn you should come say hi! I realise most people wouldn't want to come to religious services but we'll have a bunch of free time too :)
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The distance betwixt Jamestown and Brooklyn is about that between Dublin and London.
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Dublin, California is much further from London than any distance possible in New York, I live one town ove--
WAIT A MINUTE I FEEL LIKE I AM FORGETTING SOMETHING OH WELL HAPPY ST. ME DAY
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I am totally looking at flights to Boston now I could see May and Shane in like one trip oh snap
(I hope I am not getting my hopes up about this only to have them dashed later on by LIFE and its SHENANIGANS)
edit: and oh man my roommates are all moving to oakland and they want me to go visit them this summer when they move so Saintyboy
be aware that I will very probably end up in oakland this summer for awhile
(also why the fuck are they moving to oakland? I don't have a goddamn clue)
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I learned how to play stupidly fast guitar, and met the perfect girlfriend whom I now live with. So yeah, current me wins hard.
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You should totes come to Boston! We're definitely going to have some free time while we're there so I know for sure I can meet people there - not as certain about other places but I think I can work things out.
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Crap, the closest you'll be is Bethlehem and/or Wilmington, both about 4 hrs away, and at a time when I can't travel...
Fuck.
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edit: and oh man my roommates are all moving to oakland and they want me to go visit them this summer when they move so Saintyboy
be aware that I will very probably end up in oakland this summer for awhile
(also why the fuck are they moving to oakland? I don't have a goddamn clue)
Oh man what the fuck, why aren't you moving there too, the Bay Area rules!
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I don't knowwww I keep considering it but it's like
fuck
I just got here and I really like it and I'm on the edge of a really good paying job and I have a lot of cool friends in Seattle and I'm not sure what I'm doing. I really just want to sock away a lot of money and finish my goddamn transition (i.e. electrolysis and a proper wardrobe) and to be honest if they're in Oakland the option for me to move there will always be available so I don't know
I'll definitely end up staying with them for awhile and I just wanna see what it's like
also I kind of hate the sun
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In a few months I finish law school and I am utterly terrified of the job market. I hate interviews, writing CV:s, asking for recommendations, kissing and licking ass, not having money, living with parents, the whole enchilada.. but most of all the thought of becoming one of those people with fancy suits and suitcases with fancy papers with the sole purpose of lying and bullshitting their way to superstardom. The people, not the papers. I know, I can do what I want to and there are many options for me. But most people I talk to seem to think that's what I should do and what I will do. I want to work for Greenpeace or some place with a purpose I respect. But it will probably take a while to get there since I have pretty much zero work experience, especially in law.
Also, I'm still writing songs and haven't quite let go of the idea of becoming a musician. In my mind I'm already like 6 people and I feel like I'm going to have to let some of them go and create new persons. And I'm not so sure I want to.
...this got a lot longer than I intended. I should probably talk to someone. :-P
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For the original topic, I'd say that that sort of situation has been pretty ubiquitous in my life, but I'd say the best thing is that I have plenty of things attached to my memories that allow me to relive them and temporarily go back to a facet of who I was. To this day, the combination of Simple Plan's "I'm Just a Kid", and "Welcome to my Life" along with Yellowcard's "Inside Out" and Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" reminds me of a trip to thailand with my first mp3 player and a few random songs from a relative's computer. I can remember my old enthusiasm from high school when driving down auburn rd. around 4 pm on a 70F day, and I still feel the giddy sense of euphoria from the memory of putting together "K-On's really cool dance song". In fact, these associations were pretty much the reason I began writing poems daily for a while, hoping to encapsulate that feeling for later.
IDU, you are talking to someone. Unless you don't count us as people? T_T
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The relative impersonality of the internet can make for a bit of a disconnect. I guess that's another duality that each of us have.
I've already resigned myself to the fact that I'm just not cut out for the mainstream "get an education, get a job, start a family" thing. I'm hardly able to take care of myself, let alone all the billions of things you have to take care of to have your shit in order. But for some reason I'm still considered a contributing member of society by the people I meet.
It's hard being broke all the time, and I don't like it much, but it's the only way I really know how to live. And if music doesn't pan out, well, that's the only option I have because its all I've left for myself. It's the only thing I have going for me, but I've got faith it's going to work out. Because it just has to.