THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)
Fun Stuff => BAND => Topic started by: KharBevNor on 06 Jun 2005, 11:07
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Scandalous allegations have recently been sweeping the underground metal community. These centre around the disturbing rumours that the renowned Norwegian black metal superstars ‘Flagrant Goatsvomit’ have been inserting backwards messages into their music.
The alarm was called when an enthusiast actually BOUGHT the vinyl version of their seminal, limited edition LP ‘Impaling Priests upon the Nostril Hairs of the Satanogoat’, and, after a few plays forward, decided to put it on backwards.
“I was shocked.” Says the man, who wishes to remain anonymous, “halfway through Ominous Sound of Jagpanzers Crushing the Skulls of the Weakling Christian Scum I heard, unmistakably, a perfectly normal, indeed, even cheerful (at this the man shuddered) voice saying “Jesus wants you for a sunbeam”. I couldn’t believe it!”
Gritting his teeth, the man played through the entire rest of the record, his cheeks growing more flushed with health as he heard such right-thinking instructions as “Burning down historic churches is evil” and “Don’t commit suicide”.
The affect of these instructions upon impressionable youngsters is undeniable. We interviewed Lars Ulrikssen, 19 "It was horrible. I stopped cutting my wrists and burning my arms with cigarettes, I started wearing normal clothes, cut my hair and even tidied my room!" At this point Lars burst into tears, and showed us his totally healed arms. “The scars are fading!” he moaned.
Luckily, there is help for people like Lars. A special hotline has been set up for teenagers who feel they have been affected by these insidious messages of peace, goodwill and love of their fellow man. With the help of friends and family, and a concerned local Arch-Magister, Lars is already on the road to recovery.
“He started mutilating animals again last week” says Mrs. Ulrikssen, 44, proudly.
When asked for comment, vocalist and lyricist Trollsodomizer was outraged. “That is the most fucking stupid thing I’ve ever heard in my entire fucking life!” roared the musician as he beat our reporter around the neck and face with a pewter candlestick. However, a recent photograph taken by undercover investigative reporters show Trollsodomizer wearing a cross on the right way up, and even smiling at small children.
“This kind of thing is utterly unacceptable” Said the statesmen for the Church of Satan in a private interview. “If this sort of thing keeps going on, attendance figures will slump, and we me even see a rise in the morality of the nation!”
The Ulrikssen family are currently suing the band for the vicious mental healing of their son.
Something I wrote some time ago, thought it might raise a chuckle here.
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hahahaha trollsodomizer.
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Jagpanzers! \m/
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Great random story man.
EDIT: Why do I think this was moved without being read in full? Even if it's not the case.
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TROLLSODOMIZER is pure hate and warfare against the Christian disease! Hail Trollsodomizer! Hail Sathanas!
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I hope you're not referring to me, because I did.
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No, just that I thought this was gonna get moved when it's not a serious music thing.
Oh well, still good stuff.
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It's humour/snark about music, it fits in here.
Sorta like slash fiction stories about Zelda fit under computers and video games. Except that would be porn, and result in locking and banning. But you get the idea. Just because it's not true doesn't mean it goes in the sandbox
TOPICAL HUMOUR PEOPLE!
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So what, you mean I can't post my Zelda slash fiction here? Aw shucks.
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Only if you replace every suggestive word with the word 'bubbles.'
Also, this story is awesome. I loved the "Jesus wants you as a sunbeam" part.
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From reading the title and overestimating our members, I thought this was going to be a thread where you sarcasticaly post old news and pretend it's new.
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Then instead, you just got a witty satire of both underground metal and the idiocy of the 'Satanic Panic' phenomenon at the same time.
Poor you.
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Yeah, it's a shame I've experienced this kind of wit, as I might have been a tad surprised.
:P
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ok now i'm gonna put a damper on all the fun so if you don't want information DO NOT READ THIS!!!!oneone
the church of satan does not promote evil in any way. it doesn't even have anything to do with the christian satan at all. the 11 satanic rules of earth can be found here: http://churchofsatan.com/Pages/Eleven.html
check it out for yourselves, and don't be fooled by the many spoof sites making fun of the rules. there's one that looks exactly like this and is offensive to me, even as a non-satanist
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You seem to be missing the point entirely, Heretic. In norway, the Inner Circle of 'violent satanists', who the main members of created Black Metal in the early '90s promoted just that: the opposition of christ by worship of satan and outright desacration of christian graveyards/churches and the murder of christians.
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i miss no point, he referenced church of satan, second to last paragraph, and while i know this is all satire, i felt compelled to impart knowledge, hence the disclaimer
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Dude, I know my LeVay from my Luciferian. I was just taking the piss.
Also, I mainly implied the Church of Satan was mainly against a) Christianity (You can't argue that, LeVay even performed those pointless black masses just to piss christians off) and b) that they're against morality, which is true, ALL 'satanic' religions oppose conventional codes of morality, as Satanism is, essentially, a rather selfish form of misanthropic humanism, if that makes sense. Everything else was just beating the piss out of stereotypes.
Hell, I've even read the Satanic bible. 'tis ok, but The Book of the Law is better.
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i figured since you actually said "church of satan" you knew something, however if one didn't know something one could misinterpret your pounding of stereotypes. like i said before i know 'twas all in jest, just felt compelled. old hobbits die hard.
i would agree it is selfish, but not nessesarily misanthropic. it doesn't encourage needless violence, just low tolerance for annoyance. plus no bonking kiddies, or kitties.
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LaVey was nothing but a business man dressing up atheism into something that wouuld sell better.
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this thread is not about the church of satan, i didn't mean to turn it into that.
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So, how about that story...
Pretty funny stuff... Pretty funny stuff...
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Pessimistic humanism might have been a better term. I was slightly sozzled at the time. Several coffees and some dry toast later I am in much better lick.
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Paul is dead.
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good stuff, the link as well, pretty funny :)
off topic: and after reading those commandments(or whatever), I came to the conclusion that it was just an excuse for being an asshole and it occurs to me that some people follow those rules unconsciously, without being "satanists" that is.
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*not a satanism thread
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Subliminal messages in heavy metal rock!? These jesus loving bastards must be stopped!
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I laughed out loud.
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hahaha. that was great.
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That article was very amusing. You should submit it to The Onion for sure.
As an aside, I once had a girl cast a Satanic Love Spell on me once. She was a little metal girl that read too much LeVay. I think it involed masterbating while burning a black candle or something.
True story.
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Did it work?
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it might not have worked on spencer, but i'm suddenly attracted to every goth girl i see. peculiar.
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goth chicks are sooooo damn hot.
anyone see the Marylin Mason video tainted love?
ultra hot chick from not another teen movie all gothed out= mega ultra uber hot
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Good mock article sir!
LaVey? Pfft, Aleister Crowley all the way!
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Hehe. Great commentary on both black metal itself and the mainstream response to it.
Sorry, I know its not a thread about Satanism and Crowley's not Satanic, bu...I think Crowley was a charlatan and a swindler who made lots of money off of rich ladies, and LaVey couldn't even stay consistent from one of half of his bible too the other half. In the first half he's totally atheist and anti religion, and the second half is a guide to doing your own religious ceremonies, if I remember correctly.
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Sam, that is a damn good idea!
Eh, I just liked his writting, I never put much truck in with ol' Crowley like I know some people did.
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Crowley was a very good poet.
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Indeed, I really regret giving my friend my copy of Book of Lies.