THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)
Fun Stuff => CHATTER => Topic started by: mooface on 17 Jul 2007, 02:37
-
i think we did something like this already, but i wanna do it again. i want to see all the lamest jokes that you know. except for dead baby jokes and yo mama jokes because seriously come on guys you can do better than that.
here are some jokes to start off!
Q what is the difference between a one-winged bird and two-winged bird?
A it's a matter of a pinion!
Q what is brown and sticky?
A a stick!
Q how do pirates communicate?
A by sea-mail!
okay now your turn, go!
-
Q How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Two, but God Knows how they go in there in the first place!
-
Want to hear a dirty joke?
A white cat falls in the mud
End of joke
Wasn't it funny?
No, seriously, someone told me this joke... I might have actually laughed at some point
-
What do you get when you mix a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?
Helliphino.
-
Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a tomato.
Why did Kevin fall off his bike?
Kevin was a goldfish.
-
I must say, I actually laughed at those last two. Complete randomness is sometimes funny.
-
Q What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
A Where's my tractor?
-
Want to hear a dirty joke?
A white cat falls in the mud
End of joke
Wasn't it funny?
No, seriously, someone told me this joke... I might have actually laughed at some point
wanna hear a dirty joke?
a boy fell in some mud
wanna hear a clean joke?
he had a bath with bubbles
wanna hear a dirty joke
...(wait for it)
BUBBLES WAS THE GIRL NEXT DOOR
-
Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Someone through a fridge at him.
What is the difference between a tuba and a trampoline?
You take your boots off when you jump on a trampoline.
-
I take it back I'm a cock.
-
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb... NONE! FEMINISTS CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING!
(http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l249/gridgm/You-Are-Seizure_deserving.gif)
-
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The fish!
Gridgm, I don't think all of us deserve a seizure because of Iron Fist's 'joke'. Couldn't you PM him that or something?
-
well to be honest with you it is a bad joke in itself...it jsut happened to coincide with his joke
-
What is the worst joke ever?
The one about fucking babies.
-
a string walks down the street and goes into a bar for a drink.
Bartender: Are you a string?
String: Yessir.
Bartender: We don't serve strings here! Get out!
So the string leaves and comes back the next day. Again, the bartender told the string to get lost and not to come back again. The poor string, now suffering from... well, not being hammered... gets an idea! He ties himself up and gets a brush and starts going crazy brushing himself all over. He then walks into the bar. The bartender eyes him warily.
Bartender: Hmmm.... are you a string.
String: I'm a frayed knot.
/end joke
-
Gridgm, I don't think all of us deserve a seizure because of Iron Fist's 'joke'. Couldn't you PM him that or something?
Well I thought it was funny.
-
exactly this is mean to be for REALLY BAD JOKES
-
A guy walks into a bar...
ouch.
That is all.
-
Q what is brown and sticky?
A a stick!
This is one of my stock jokes for making grumpy girls get over it and smile!
Along with:
"Why did the tomato blush? Because she saw the salad dressing!"
and
"What did the fish say when it hit the wall? DAM!"
Aaaand of course, "A priest, a rabbi and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'What is this, some kinda joke?!'" :o
-
Duck walks into a convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any grapes?" The guy says, "no," and the duck walks out.
Five minutes later, the duck walks back into the convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any grapes?" The guy says, "Uh, NO!" and the duck walks out.
Five minutes later, the duck walks back into the convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any grapes?" The guy says, "I SAID NO, and if you come back in here again and ask me about grapes I am gonna NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!" and the duck walks out.
Five minutes later, the duck walks back into the convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any nails?" The guy says, "NO!" and the duck asks, "You got any grapes?."
/end joke
-
I'm pretty sure I've told both these jokes here before, but I guess with all the new people around they could stand to be retold.
Q: How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: They don't change it, they wait until it burns out then follow it around the country.
Q: How many performance artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, I left during the interval.
You Have Cum In Your Hair and Your Dick Is Hanging Out
Tommy, do you know if this is this where Will Oldham got the title for the song of that name from?
-
exactly this is mean to be for REALLY BAD JOKES
What did you say? I was busy having a seizure.
-
A motorway walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. soon after a small strip of tarmac walks in, the motorway jums behind the bar & hides behind the barman, the barman turns to him and says, "What's the matter, you're a great big motorway and he's only a little bit of tarmac?". The motorway says to the barman, " you don't understand, he's a cyclepath!"
-
Q: How many DragonballZ characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but it takes about eight episodes to do it.
Q: What do you call a blind deer?
A: No eye deer
Q:What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
A: Still no eye deer
Q: What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no genitalia?
A: Still no fucking eye deer
Two mental patients escape from a psychiatric ward together via the roof. They come to the edge of the roof, but find the next building is too far away to make the jump. One patient turns to the other and says:
"Okay, I'll shine the flashlight across and you walk across the beam, then I'll toss it over to you, so I can cross."
The other mental patient says, "What do you think, I'm nuts? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway across!"
(Special thanks to Alan Moore for that one)
Pretty much everything I've got left is just ridiculously offensive.
-
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They leave with a deeper understanding of the universe and new friendships.
-
MaiAda, that is ridiculously unsettling. RIDICULOUSLY!
In my lecture just now, a guy told me the "what's brown and sticky?" joke for the first time and I loved it, I loved it so much I thought "hey, I should go make a thread about silly jokes on the forums". Then I show up and THE VERY THREAD IS ALREADY HERE!
So:
A seal walks into a club.
What do a monkey and a bicycle have in common?
They both have wheels! Except for the monkey.
-
ANATOMY JOKE!
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a garden hose?
A: Oh, there's a Vas Deferens
Q: What do you call a woman flying an airplane?
A: The pilot, you damned sexist pig!
-
Oh! I remembered my other favourite one that I've told lots of times before.
Three statisticians go deer hunting. They spot a deer: the first statistician shoots and misses to the left; the second shoots and misses to the right. The third punches the air and shouts triumphantly: "We got it!"
-
An A, C, and an E walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve minors here."
So the C leaves and the A and the E share a fifth.
-
Music joke! Nice.
I have a whole stash of bad jokes... You all used most of them. :/
-
There's a gay guy and a monkey in a bar
One order a banana split and the other a cocktail
There's 2 potatoes in a furnace, the first one says: "Man, It's hot in here". The second one shout: "Oh my god, a talking potato"
I think it's the best bad jokes I can come up with
-
What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They have the same middle name!
-
i am a philosophy nerd so i am going to tell a bunch of philosophy jokes now!
A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?"
An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."
Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "What'll it be? The usual?" Descartes replies "I don't think-"
...and disappears.
-
Why is Helen Keller a bad driver?
because she's a woman.
-
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
-
Q: What's a snowman's favorite game?
A: Freeze Tag
Q: What's a penguin's favorite game?
A: Freeze Tag
Q: What's an icicle's favorite game?
A: Freeze Tag
Q: What's a polar bear's favorite game?
A: Freeze Tag
Aww yeah.
-
What's harder than putting a cat in a microwave?
My erection.
-
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?
- Robin, get in the Batmobile!
-
I think last time we had this thread I broke it.
-
Then don't post in it.
-
Why is Helen Keller a bad driver?
because she's a woman.
Did you see Helen Keller's new doll house?
.
.
.
.
.
...Neither did she.
-
Q: WHat's white and can't climb trees?
A: A fridge!
Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn't have any arms!
Q: How do you find a rabbit in long grass?
A: Make a noise like a carrot.
Q: What's green and flies?
A: SUPER PICKLE!
Yeah... i have more.
-
Two idiots are driving a truck out in the middle of nowhere. They come to a bridge and there's a sign that says
WARNING - LOW BRIDGE
NO TRUCKS OVER 12 FEET
One looks at the other and says "How tall did you say this truck is?"
The other says "12 feet 5 inches."
The first one looks around and gets a sly look on his face. "I don't see no cops, do you?"
-
Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "What'll it be? The usual?" Descartes replies "I don't think-"
...and disappears.
o/
-
It is an old joke but the version I heard before ends in the punchline "You hum it, I'll play it".
The version I heard had the pianist describing the act to the manager, rather than naming the songs to the audience.
-
Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "What'll it be? The usual?" Descartes replies "I don't think-"
...and disappears.
o/
\o
it's one of my favorite jokes of all time.
-
An A, C, and an E walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve minors here."
So the C leaves and the A and the E share a fifth.
i told a variation of this one time. alternative ending: the A and E turn to the C and say, "quick, look sharp!"
-
A family walk into a talent agency. Before they can do anything, the agent asks, "what are you called?". The father replies "The Aristocrats".
-
I like that version better than the original. I finally read The Aristocrats and it was one of the most disgusting things I've ever read, and I'm not even sure why it's supposed to be funny.
-
You read it? Isn't the whole point of the aristocrats jokes that it's more or less made up on the spot to include the vilest things that spring to mind?
-
I'd heard of it, but could never find any indication of why it was supposed to be so damned funny. Someone posted a version of it. Yeah, it was totally vile. Even if it's just supposed to be ad-libbed, I still don't see why that is supposed to make it funny.
-
It's SUPPOSED to be vile. It's supposed to be an ad-lib of the most disgusting shit you can think of off the top of your head.
None the less, this (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats) is funnier.
-
why does a chicken coup have two doors?
cause if it had four it would be a sedan
how do you pickle bread?
dildo
-
I don't get the dildo one. It may take me a few minutes.
-
I didn't get it at first either, but it came to me after a minute. I chuckled.
-
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How to you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it!
-
what do you call the dude standing outside your door
matt
-
and now, i shall distill a large number of popular jokes to their essence:
Q: what
A: TABOO SEX AHAHAHAHHHA
-
ruyi, you forgot the no arms and no legs part
-
Oh man, guess what I heard.
Sheep, I'm a sheep herder.
-
a priest, a pedofile and homosexual walk into a bar
he orders a gin and tonic
-
I heard that one at school... except the ending was dumber and it went along the lines if 'it was just one guy'.
-
Three men walk into a bar, one of the them is a bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
-
Three men walk into a bar and quip jokes by Bill Bailey.
-
Three men walk into a bar. You'd think one of 'em would have ducked.
-
Oh man, guess what I heard.
Sheep, I'm a sheep herder.
You are my hero.
-
This is the best one from that Uncyclopedia article:
Daughter blows her dad
while mother rimjobs son.
The Aristocrats!
YAY HAIKU.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Why couldn't she get back up again?
Because she had no legs.
Why would no-one help her?
Because she had no friends.
What did she get for Christmas?
Cancer.
-
Mooface, I think I'm in love with you.
Supersheep, can I have the recipe for your sig please?
Sorry, no jokes here... I am terrible at remembering jokes when I need em.
-
So this man walks into a talent agency with his dog and says to the agent, "My dog can talk." The agent raises an eyebrow and says, "Prove it."
The man turns to his dog and says, "Okay. What's on top of a house?"
The dog goes, "Roof! Roof!"
The agent shakes his head, so the man tries again. "What does sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough! Rough!"
The agent rolls his eyes and gets up from his desk to show them the door. The man says quickly, "Wait! Just one more, please! Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
The dog goes, "Ruth! Ruth!" and the talent agent kicks them both out.
As they're walking home, the dog turns to the man and says, "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio."
-
Did you hear Willie Nelson got run over?
He was playing on the road again.
-
Wasn't that dog one the plot of an old Warner Bros. cartoon?
Either way, both were wrong, the correct answer is Williams.
-
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a pitcher of beer and a mop.
Two cows are in a field, grazing.
One cow says to the other, "So, are you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other says, "No, why should I? I'm a helicopter."
-
Two cows are in a field, grazing.
One cow says to the other, "moo"
The other says, "Funny, I was going to say that."
-
1: Knock Knock
2:Who's there?
1:Interrupting cow
2:Interrupting c...
1:MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
-
That cow one reminds me of something my friend used to do. She'd dial random numbers(or sometimes even friends) and as soon as the person answered, she'd just moo(one big long moo, like for 5 minutes or so), and then just hang up. Most people just laughed, but I think it pissed quite a few off.
-
A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender looks at him, asks "Why the long face?"
Really Bad Pickup Line:
Suitor: "Have you ever had your belly button touched?"
Suitee: "Yeah..."
Suitor: "From the inside?"
-
Really Bad Pickup Line:
Suitor: "Have you ever had your belly button touched?"
Suitee: "Yeah..."
Suitor: "Oh. Well, see you later!"
-
A man goes to the doctor because he is feeling a bit ill. The doctor tells him that he will need to get a semen, urine and stool sample. The man replies "Gee, Doc, I'm in a big hurry. Can I just leave you my underpants?"
-
Why was Cinderella bad at baseball?
She had a pumkin for a coach and was always running from the ball!
What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do?
Sit up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy."
Question: What lives at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
Answer: A nervous wreck!
-
Q: What's big and green and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?
A: A pool table.
Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite thing about twenty eight year olds?
A: There's twenty of them. (But gosh darn, I do love Michael anyway.)
History joke:
A millionare goes to the doctor and finds out that he is going to die in two weeks. He has had three passions his whole life and before he dies, he decides he wants to indulge all three so he can be happy. These three passions are art, history, and Paris. So, he cals an artist friend and tells him that he is going to Paris for two weeks, and when he comes back he wants the artist to have painted a mural on his wall. He wants the artist to paint Custer's last stand, so he can get both art and history in one go. So, he leaves and has a great time in Paris. When he returns, the artist is waiting outside his house, shaking with anticipation. He tells the millionare "It may be a little more abstract than you were wanting, but I think it's brilliant!" The millionare tells him he is sure it is OK, and asks to see it. The artists leads him to the painting and pulls the sheet off the wall to reveal it. The millionare is shocked. On his wall is a painting of a cow with a halo over his head and a whole bunch of Indians having sex with each other. He looks at the artist, not sure what to say, but the artist fills the silence. "I know it looks wierd now, but wait til you hear what I've titled it!" The millionare indulges him and asks the name of the painting. The artist smiles and says:
"Holy cow! Look at all the fucking Indians!"
-
Three men walk into a bar and quip jokes by Bill Bailey.
I admit the joke was neither bad nor mine, but felt it had to be put out there. So in a continuing bout of plagarism...
Three blind mice go into a pub. However, they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitataive.
-
A Yankees fan, a Cubs fan and a Red Sox fan stumble across a genie. The genie tells them he will grant each one wish if they are willing to be whipped.
The Yankees fans says he's willing to take five lashes to see the Yankees win the World Series.
The Cubs fan says he's willing to take ten lashes to see the Cubs win the World Series.
The Red Sox fans says he's willing to take a hundred lashes to see the Yankees fan strapped to his back for them.
-
i know i'm new here, and i normally don't post in new communities the day i join, but i couldn't resist posting this joke... keep in mind, it's really REALLY bad. my boss found it hillarious, and of course i "laughed".
a marine comes back from iraq and is interviewed by none other than chealsea clinton. he regales her with all his battle stories, and at the end, she says:
"Wow. You're really brave! You must not be afraid of anything!"
to which he replies: "Actually, I'm afraid of three things."
"What're they?" she asks.
"Osama, Obama, Yo' Mama."
... ugh... sorry :roll:
-
oh huh. i was confused for a moment when you said you were new but then i realized your avatar is the same as chupones's. in anycase, i don't think he's using it anymore, but welcome!
-
thanks for the welcome... i'm disapointed someone else has my avatar, though. i just found it yesterday. i thought i was all original! :lol:
-
A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel down the front of his pants, and the bartender says "whats with the wheel?"
The pirate says "Argh, it's drivin' me nuts"
(Somewhere I have a bootleg of Ben Folds singing this joke)
I absolutely MUST hear this.
-
Three men walked into a bar.
There were no survivors.
-
Q: Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away?
A: You'd run away too if your name was WAAAHWAAAAHWAAAHWAAAH
Jesus walks into a bar. You think being the earthly vessel of the all-powerful, one true God, he would have ducked.
-
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
- They all have phones.
How do you describe the average cannibal?
- A guy with a wife and ate children.
-
This one is kind of hard to do over the internet but here I go:
How do you get an elephant into the subway?
How?
You take the s out of sub and the f out of way.
There is no f in way.
-
EDIT:This proved to be longer than I imagined it would be.
An elderly woman walks into a bank and tells the clerk that she wants to open an account, but won't deal with anyone but the President of the bank. The clerk tells the woman that he can open the account, but the woman insists on seeing the President. The clerk informs the President, and not being one to turn away a customer he meets with the woman. When it comes time to make the initial deposit the President asks her how much she would like to deposit. She picks up a bag full of money that she was carrying with her and says that she would deposit that money.
The President then asks the woman, "How did you get all this money?"
She responds with, " I am a businesswoman. I take risks, and profit. Speaking of risks, how would you like to make a bet?"
"We are very careful with money at this bank," replies the President.
The woman dismisses his protest, and says "Nonsense, you are a businessman. I bet you $500,000 dollars that your balls are square. I will return tomorrow at eleven o'clock, and we can settle this wager."
The President goes home, and is slightly disturbed by the happenings of the day. He's standing in front of the mirror looking at himself saying ," They are not squre. Are they?"
He goes to work the next day, and eleven o'clock rolls around. The elderly lady shows up, but with a very distinguished looking gentlemen. The President asks the woman who this man is.
"He is here to make sure that everything is legitimate, now drop your pants," she says.
So the lady starts fiddling with them. This is all very disturbing for the President, but what really grabs his attention is that the gentlemen that accompanied the woman is now banging his head against the wall.
The woman then stands up and says, "Well, they aren't square. You win the bet."
The man is still banging his head against the wall at this point and the President asks the woman, "Why is he banging his head against the wall?"
"I bet him one million dollars that I could get your balls in my hand before noon today," she responds.
-
Two olives are sitting on a fence. One falls to the ground and the other yells down: 'Holy crap! Are you okay?'
He yells back "Olive!"
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Art
-
Three men walked into a bar.
There were no survivors.
I like that. Kind of like this:
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with an erection. There were no survivors.
While we're on the topic. Any of those Chuck Norris jokes belong in here.
-
Any of those Anal Prolapse jokes belong in here.
Note the word filter. Jokes about... him are not welcome here.
-
Anal prolapses are not something to joke about. They are serious, people. I am disappointed that someone even suggested joking about them.
tsk tsk
-
Two professors in philosophy go on vacation to Greece. To unwind they are at a nudist resort enjoying the scenery.
The one looks at the other and asks "Have you read Marx?"
"Yeah, I think it's these wicker chairs"
-
Edit: I'll make better use of this post.
A Papa bear, a mama bear and a baby bear were talking a walk through the woods.
When they came home they decided to take a bath.
Papa bear asked Mama bear to pass the soap, to which she replied, "No soap, radio."
-
My girlfriend is going to the West Indies on holiday.
-
Jamaica?
-
No, she went on her own.
-
That's pretty nice. My girlfriend is going to Indonesia.
-
Djakarta?
-
Nah, she flew.
-
A guy goes into a bar with his giraffe.
The guy and the giraffe get wasted. The guy gets up to leave, the giraffe passed out on the floor. The bartender says "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!"
The guy says "That's not a lion.. it's a giraffe."
-
So, a seal walks into a club and goes dancing.
-
A Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi and a Wiccan high priestess went fishing together.
The priestess said she needed more bait, so she climbed out of the boat, walked across the water, got some bait and walked back into the boat.
The priest then said he too needed some more bait. He climbed out of the boat, walked across the water, got his bait and walked back into the boat.
Stunned at this display, the rabbi decided he too could use more bait, so he climbed out of the boat and fell into the water.
The priest says, "Haha, should we have told him about the stepping stones?"
The high preistess replies, "What stepping stones?"
(I used to date a Wiccan.)
-
Haha, I saw a retarded dwarf today, that's pretty funny right?
-
You shouldn't make fun of a retarded dwarf.
It's not big and it's not clever.
-
I see what you did there
-
Sorry Pete, I feel like such a bell.
-
If it continues, give me a ring.
-
Three men walked into a bar.
There were no survivors.
I like that.
The idea of some deadly bar annihilating all who cross it is almost inexpressably delicious to me.
-
If it continues, give me a ring.
That doesn't make sense, Darryl is the one feeling like a bell, so shouldn't he be rung?
-
If he's the one ringing, he can give people a ring. By ringing.
-
That doesn't make sense, Darryl is the one feeling like a bell, so shouldn't he be rung?
That's why it's in the really bad jokes thread.
-
Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
-
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
Terrible!
-
Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Two nuts are walking down the strasse. One ov zem was assaulted....peanut.
Also,
Three tomaytoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomayto, a momma tomayto, and a little baby tomayto. Baby tomayto starts lagging behind. Poppa tomayto gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Catch up.
-
That last one's from Pulp Fiction.
Good flick.
-
Vanilla ice is holding a seminar on teamwork in portugal! guess what it is called?
Stop! Collaborate! In Lisbon.
What did the robber shout at his victims while holding up a wet t-shirt contest?
"No sodden moves"
What do you call it when a famous, middle-aged physicist marries a hot grad student?
An entropy wife
-
Way to completely copy the 7/20/07 Diesel Sweeties comic. Comic #1800. Yeah, I read it too.
-
delete delete o my kingdom for delete
-
Dude walks into the dentist and asks "Can you help me, I keep thinking I'm a moth". The dentist seems confused by this and wonders why the dude came to him when there is a psychiatrist right across the street. Why did you come to me when there is a psychiatrist right across the street?", he asks.
The man replies "Your light was on."
-
What, no talking muffins?
Another one that doesn't really work as well in text, but is a favorite:
A man and his giraffe walk into a bar. They sit down and the man orders a couple of drinks. The bartender is curious, but he's seen tons of weird stuff in his life working at a bar, so he obliges. The man and the giraffe both drink for a few hours, until the man gets up, pays his tab, and heads out the door. The giraffe goes to stand, but in a drunken stupor, falls flat on his face in the floor.
The bartender, not wanting to start a zoo, calls out, "HEY! You can't just leave that lyin' there!"
The man pokes his head back in the door, looks at the ground, and shrugs. "That's not a lion."
-
A man is feeling knackered after a stressful day at work. In fact, he works at a very high-stress company, and it is making him feel pretty ill. He comes home and tries to relax, but as soon as he has got comfortable, there is a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and standing in front of him is a SIX FOOT FUCKING ANT.
The oversized ant punches him in the stomach, and runs off.
The next day the man is feeling even more awful after work, and again he tries to relax when he finally gets home. But suddenly, there is a knock at the door. Feeling wary, the man edges open the door, when SMACK, the six foot ant is there, kicks open the door, knees him in the balls, and runs off.
By now the man is seriously ill, he is getting no sleep, and is plagued by this six-foot fucking ant knocking on his door and beating the shit into him. He can't tell the police, either - I mean, they wouldn't believe it. So anyway - the ant comes around, again, after the man has finished work, and this time, it belts him around the head. It runs off again. The man feels fucking awful, and, worrying he may have concussion, calls a doctor out. The doctor listens patiently to all the poor bloke's woes and strife over the past few days, and after a short pause, he says:
"Yes... didn't you know? There's a nasty bug going around."
---
(continuation past the point of 'really bad', to 'awful')
Later, the big ant was found beating up a chip shop owner and was arrested for assault.
-
Roseanne Barr naked.
-
that isn't a joke, that is a crime against nature
and yes I admit it, I stole those jokes. I.......feel so ashamed :cry:
-
My mind is scarred forever. Thank you, Abattur.
-
A guy walks into a bar. He sets a talking frog on the counter. The frog asks the bartender if they have any grapes. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any pears. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any apples. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any bananas. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any watermelons. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any peaches. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any oranges. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any fruit at all. The bartender replies "The Aristocrats!"
-
Duck walks into a bar. "Quack" he says, "do you have any bread?"
The barman replies no, he just has beer and the normal bar snack kind of things.
"Quack" the duck says, "do you have any bread?"
No, repeats the barman, he has only peanuts, pork scratchings and the like.
"Quack" the duck says, "do you have any bread?"
The barman, now very annoyed, says again that he just has beer and bar snacks, no bread.
"Quack" the duck says, "do you have any bread?"
The barman is furious by now and says "If you ask me that once more I'm going to nail your beak to the bar"
"Quack" the duck says, "do you have any nails?"
The barman replies in the negative.
"Quack" the duck says, "do you have any bread?"
-
ahh
im pretty new here
but i can think of really stupid jokes sometimes
why can 50 cent be an elf?
because he can't wrap!!
what did the butt say to the doctor?
i have ASSthma!
the second one works better when told out loud
-
Bad in more than one way I guess:
What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.
Why don't tampons speak to sanitary towels?
Because they are all stuck up c****.
-
How many electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.
-
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But the lighbulb has to want to change.
-
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v325/Keso88/1181097694413.png)
-
In an old Scottish pub, a gentleman walks in and sits in front of the bar, looking across it at the panoramic window behind. There's an old, crusty Scotsman sitting a few stools down, and after the gentleman orders his beer, the Scotsman speaks up.
"Ye see that house?" he asks, pointing out the window at a house standing across the fields. "I built that house. Laid the foundation with mah own hands, I did. But do they call me 'MacGregor the Housebuilder'? No."
He knocks back a shot of whisky, and the bartender sets another up.
"Ye see that barn?" asks MacGregor. "I built that barn. Raised the walls mahsel', and slathered red paint over every shingle. But do they call me 'MacGregor the Barnbuilder'? No."
He knocks back the second shot of whisky, and the bartender sets up a third.
"Ye see that boat? I built that boat. Laid the keel, set the rudder, raised the mast, all of it. But do they call me 'MacGregor the Boatbuilder'? No.
"But fuck one goat..."
-
Two men in an airport bump into each other. The first man says 'I can't find my wife.'
The second replies 'I can't find mine either,what does yours look like?'
"Well", the first man replies, she's 5ft10, blonde, big boobs, wearing a mini skirt and high heels. What does yours look like?'
"Fuck her", says the second man, "Let's look for yours".
An amnesiac walked into a bar. He said, "Do I come here often?"
Q: What do you call a little German who lives in a tin?
A: Heinz.
Q: What's black and really pissed off?
A: The reincarnation of Bernard Manning.
This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention.The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
An Irishman was driving along the motorway when he was overtaken by a lorry transporting turf to a garden centre.
'That's what I'll do when I'm rich', he says to his wife. 'Have me lawn taken away to be cut'.
Q: What do you call someone who covers his parts n chick peas, garlic and tahini?
A: A hummusexual.
-
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, candles are more obscure.
-
What did the slightly insane smoker say in the forums when he finished a pack of cigarettes?
BUTTS LOL
-
Two cough sweets walk into a pub, one asks for a gin and tonic and the other for a cider. The barman refuses to serve the red cough sweet her gin and tonic, but the green and white cough sweet is served very quickly.
"I thought we didn't serve cough sweets any more," remarked a watching bar maid.
"We don't as a rule," replied the publican, "but she looked fucking menthol."
-
'I was walking down the main street yesterday, pulling a string.
and the mayor came up to me
and he asked
"Why are you pulling that string?"
and i replied:
"Have you ever tried pushing one?"'
-
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
-
a man ran up to me the other day screaming his head off. I asked him what was the problem. He SCREAMED, "It's All Around Me, IT'S ALL AROUND ME!!!" I asked him what was all around him, to which he replied, "My belt"
A friend of mine ran up to me the very same day looking distressed. He grabbed my shoulders, shoke me, and asked me to help him with his squirrel problem. I asked him what was wrong with him and squirrels, to which he told me, "They think I'm nuts"
-
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
It's funny because it's true harharhar :lol:
-
why couldn't the bicycle stand up?
it was too tired.
-
Guys, do we have a doctor? I've been feeling somewhat like a strawberry...
-
Let me get you some cream.
-
Thanks, it made me feel much better. But...
Well...
Now I keep having dreams where I'm a pair of curtains!
-
Pull yourself together man!
-
Pete, why doesn't anybody respond to my post? I feel like everybody is just ignoring me...
-
NEXT
-
Guys, what's the quickest way to kill a circus?
-
Iam for the juggler.
-
I say I say I say.
What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat?
-
The wheelchair?
-
Knock Knock.
-
Who's there?
-
The Gestapo
-
Oh? The Gestapo who?
-
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS
-
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar!
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a parking lot!
Why is it so cool at a baseball game?
All the fans!
-
I heard about a magic tractor that went down a road and turned into a field.
-
He who runs in front of the car is tired. He who runs behind the car is exhausted.
-
Every time you ask why a chicken crossed the road, A CHICKEN IS STRUCK BY AN AUTOMOBILE. This is a serious issue.
-
A pirate walked into a bar once (I saw it) with a huge ship's wheel sticking out the front of his trousers. The barman was confused - we all were - and asked him what the wheel was doing in his crotch.
"Yarharr", the Pirate replied, "I don't know."
"But it's driving me nuts."
-
Confucious say, "If you rape a prostitute, is it not also shoplifting?"*
*Best results when read in pseudo-Asian accent.
-
My gf told me this one:
Q: Why was it so hard for the giraffe to apologize?
A: Because it took him a long time to swallow his pride
Ba-dum Chh
-
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS
"WE ASK THE QUESTIONS!
NOW. We're going to start with a little explosion!
WHEN YOU go for a drive in the country, do you like to have a nice, relaxing POOOO."
-
Dear Bad Jokes Thread,
One drunken night, my friends and I all laid on the floor. I told them as many of the jokes I could remember from this thread. They all thought they were great, and that I was cool for knowing some awesome jokes.
Thanks for making me cool, Bad Jokes thread. Thanks.
Take care,
Emaline
-
I told a lot of these jokes to my sister and her boyfriend. He said, "Are these jokes written by Christians or what?"
-
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
"Art."
What about a guy with no arms or legs lying in front of the door?
"Matt."
How about if he's in a lake?
"Bob."
If he's in some bushes?
"Russell."
And, for bonus points:
META JOKE!
So this duck walks into a bar, hops up onto a bar stool, and says to the bartender, "You got any bread?" Then the guy in the barstool next to the duck turns and nails the duck's feet to the bar.
The guy's friend says, "Boy, Superman, you sure are an asshole when you're drunk."
-
A duck walks into a store and asks the storekeeper, "Do you have any grapes?"
The storekeeper says, "No" so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes back and asks the storekeeper, "Do you have any grapes?"
The storekeeper says, "No" so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes in again and asks the storekeeper, "Do you have any grapes?'
The storekeeper, irate at this point, says, "No and if you ask that again I'm going to staple your beak shut" so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck returns and asks the storkeeper, "Do you have any staples?"
The storekeeper says, "No" so the duck says, "Do you have any grapes?"
-
Hasn't that joke been said about three times now?
-
A duck walks into a store and asks the storekeeper, "Do you have any grapes?"
The storekeeper says, "No" so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes back and asks the storekeeper, "Do you have any grapes?"
The storekeeper says, "No" so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes in again and asks the storekeeper, "Do you have any grapes?'
The storekeeper, irate at this point, says, "No and if you ask that again I'm going to staple your beak shut" so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck returns and asks the storkeeper, "Do you have any staples?"
The storekeeper says, "No" so the duck says, "Do you have any grapes?"
-
How do you hide an elephant on a pool table?
Paint it's toenails green.
Wanna know why it works?
I dunno really, but I bet you've never seen an elephant on a pool table before have you?
-
Why was six scared of seven?
-Because seven eight nine.
What's purple and communtes?
- An abelian grape.
What's lavender and commutes?
- An Abelian semigrape.
What's purple and all of its offspring have been committed to institutions?
- A simple grape: it has no normal subgrapes.
What is purple, commutes, and is worshipped occasionally?
- A finitely venerated abelian grape.
What's yellow, normed, and complete?
- A Bananach space.
What's green and homeomorphic to the open unit interval?
- The real lime.
What's yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
- Zorn’s lemon.
What happens if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
-You can't cross a scalar with a vector!
All of the functions are at some party. Suddenly the door opens and derivative enters. All of the functions start running outside and shouting "He's going to derivate me! He will!!".
Only one function stays put and looks around smirking.
Derivative comes up to the function and asks "Why aren't you running away?"
It answers "I'm e^x! I don't need to be scared of you!"
The derivative laughs and replies "I'm d/dy."
The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike
to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with
him."
[Dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think
I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
-
What's blue and humps Grannies?
Me and my lucky blue coat.
-
What's big and green and if it fell on you it would kill you?
A golfcourse.
-
What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
Stuck.
-
French Joke Time:
Comment on appelle un ascenseur en Chine?
Comme dans tout les autres pays, en pesant sur le bouton.
-
Have you heard about the guy who had white urine?
No one could ever tell whether he was coming or going.
Why did the vodka bottle refuse to wear makeup?
Because it was always Smirnoff.
-
My favorite Spanish joke:
Q. que haces el pato?
A. nada!
My favorite Italian joke:
Totti sta andando a caccia con suo amico nel safari. Al improvviso vedono un leone! Totti spara due volte pero non becca il leone.
"Cilecca! Cilecca!" Grido' il amico di Totti.
"Ma che ci lecca?!" Risponde Totti. "Questo chi mangia!!"
-
what did the equation say when it was simplified?
drats, FOILED again
-
A Hydrogen (H) atom walks up to a Helium (He) atom.
H: Help! Someone stole my electron!
He: Are you sure?
H: I'm positive!
OH, the laughs I've had off that one. There were many.
-
Want to hear a dirty joke?
A white cat falls in the mud
End of joke
Wasn't it funny?
No, seriously, someone told me this joke... I might have actually laughed at some point
That reminds me of this one:
Want to hear a dirty joke? Billy fell in the mud.
How about a clean one? He took a bath with bubbles.
And another dirty one? Bubbles was a girl.
...so this is where old jokes go to die. It's like Florida for humor.
-
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the chipmunk fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the Squirrel.
-
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
A: Dead.
There once was a man from Belgrave,
Kept a dead prostitute in a cave
She was cold as all Hell,
And, oh God, the smell!
But think of the money he saved!
Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a tree?
A: Ten dead babies in a tree.
Q: What's worse than ten dead babies in a tree?
A: One dead baby in ten trees.
Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a watermelon?
A: One's fun to smash with a hammer, the other's a watermelon.
Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
A: You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: The seven-year-old in my trunk.
Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
A: You don't cum on an apple before you eat it.
-
I thought we agreed on no dead baby jokes
Q: How do you know policemen are strong?
A: Because they can hold up traffic.
-
yeah, dead baby jokes creep me out.
-
My favorite Spanish joke:
Q. que haces el pato?
A. nada!
:? :? :? :? :? :? :? :?
-
As far as I can tell dead baby jokes are told by people who want other people to be thinking "omg this guy/girl is so out there and crazy because they just told a joke about dead babies! How cool and subversive!!" The short version of that is that I think you're a tool.
-
"Knock Knock
Whoes there?
9/11"
worst joke ever
-
As far as I can tell dead baby jokes are told by people who want other people to be thinking "omg this guy/girl is so out there and crazy because they just told a joke about dead babies! How cool and subversive!!" The short version of that is that I think you're a tool.
I only ever tell dead baby jokes to people who have that sense of humour - telling them to people who dislike them is dickish, telling them to people who find them funny, brilliant. I met a girl once by telling her dead baby jokes. We went out for a year.
-
This doesn't translate nearly as well unless spoken aloud in his stereotypical accent:
Arnold Schwarzenegger walks into a shoe store. He walks up to the clerk and demands, "I am looking for a size fourteen Puma."
The clerk responds, solemnly, "I'm sorry sir, we're sold out. We do have them in a Nike, though."
Arnold yells angrily, "IT'S NOT A PUMA!"
-
Hehe, that one is pretty damn good, actually.
The one that starts this page, not so much.
-
My favorite Spanish joke:
Q. que haces el pato?
A. nada!
:? :? :? :? :? :? :? :?
doesn't it mean
what does the duck do?
and then "nada" means "swims" and also "nothing"?
it's noit that funny but it amuses me :P
-
Yes, that is what it means. I took me a bit to translate it (haven't taken Spanish in a while) but it was funny when I figured it out.
-
Que hace el pato?***
Without the s.
Although that could have been just a harmless typo.
-
nah, the 's' is there because i failed spanish :P
-
q: Whats large, yellow black and red, swings from a tree and if it fell on you, it would kill you?
a; Rupert the Fridge
q: How many musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
a; a one, two, a one two three four!
-
Mom! I don't like my little brother!
- Shut up and keep eating.
-
How do you know policemen are strong?
Because they can hold up traffic.
Why did the ocean blush?
Because the sea-weed.
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
-
Y'know, that juggler joke has been said like three times in this thread and I JUST got it.
-
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
I don't like you.
I don't like you who?
Fuck you.
-
Knock knock
Who's there?
The Gestapo
The Gestapo who?
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!
WAY TO MAKE YOUR 1000TH POST NOT BE IN ANY WAY INTERESTING.
-
My brother and my dad and I were at the lake one time. And we saw this sign that said 'WEAR A LIFE VEST! kids don't float'. So of course my brother, says 'BUT DEAD BABIES DO'. He got in trouble. Lots of trouble.
-
What's the best thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds?
There are twenty of them.
Oh wait, this is The Really Bad Jokes Thread. I thought it was the tasteless jokes thread. My bad.
-
How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
...Wanna go ride bikes?
-
How do you make a tissue dance?
put a little boogie in it.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
in case he got a hole in one.
what do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef
what do you call a cow with only two legs?
lean ground beef
-
Oh wait, this is The Really Bad Jokes Thread. I thought it was the tasteless jokes thread. My bad.
It's a little bit of both
-
Knock knock
Who's there?
The Gestapo
The Gestapo who?
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!
I love it. Thank you.
-
Q: What's fuzzy and pink?
A: Pink fuzz!!
Lamest joke ever eh?
-
A Russian is staggering home from the bar one night when he finds a lamp on the roadside. Rubbing it off a little bit, he is surprised to see a genie pop out. "I will grant you one wish," says the genie. The Russian replies, "I wish my urine was the finest vodka ever made." The genie nods his head and says "Done."
When the man gets home, he pisses in a glass and smells it. Taking a sip, he is surprised to discover that it is the bestvodka he ever had in his life. After that day, every time he comes home, he tells his wife to fetch 2 glasses, and they drink vodka.
One day, the man comes home and tells his wife to fetch only one glass. Perplexed, she asks why. He replies, "Tonight my dear, you drink from the bottle."
-
Knock knock
Who's there?
The Gestapo
The Gestapo who?
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!
I love it. Thank you.
The best thing was the first time I told this joke - my friends started laughing after I said "The Gestapo."
-
I keep forgetting to tell it to people. Perhaps today will be the day.
-
Knock knock
Who's there?
The Gestapo
The Gestapo who?
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!
I love it. Thank you.
The best thing was the first time I told this joke - my friends started laughing after I said "The Gestapo."
The thread title said "Really Bad Jokes". It did not say "Super Awesome Jokes". Please stay on topic.
Also: What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson.
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.
And Michael Jackson
. . .
molests little children.
-
A thief stole many pieces from the Louvre Museum. Later the police find him in his van on the side of the road, stopped. They ask him, "How could you be so stupid?"
He says to the police officer "No, Monsieur, zis is why I stole ze paintings in ze first place! I needed Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh! I figured I had nothing Tolouse!
-
GAHHHH!
-
A motorway walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. soon after a small strip of tarmac walks in, the motorway jums behind the bar & hides behind the barman, the barman turns to him and says, "What's the matter, you're a great big motorway and he's only a little bit of tarmac?". The motorway says to the barman, " you don't understand, he's a cyclepath!"
I'll tell a joke actually yet to be posted here!
Guy walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. Says to the bartender, "The usual for me, and one for the road."
But, man, I've been feeling really bizarre today. Pity I'm not actually in the Middle East.
-
A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks for a pint of beer and a mop.
-
A skeleton walks into a brothel and asks for a pint of beer and a mop.
. . .
Give it a second.
-
Ooh, I think I get it. And it's weird.
-
I DUN GEDDIT!
-
The idea is that it's kinda disturbing.
What do you get when you cross nutella and vegemtie?
Some foreign substance that sticks to the roof of your mouth. If you would dare put it there.
-
I get the beer and the mop, I don't get why he's in a brothel instead of a bar.
-
Urolagnia was what I got from that.
DAMMIT I SHOULD NEVER HAVE READ SEXY LOSERS NOW MY MIND IS FULL OF SUCH DISTURBING THOUGHTS AS UROLAGNIA+NECROPHILIA
-
Earlier today I told my fiancee one of my favorite bad jokes:
A chicken sandwich walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
lawl
-
Urolagnia was what I got from that.
DAMMIT I SHOULD NEVER HAVE READ SEXY LOSERS NOW MY MIND IS FULL OF SUCH DISTURBING THOUGHTS AS UROLAGNIA+NECROPHILIA
Dude...I totally just wiki'd Urolagnia. I regret that now.
-
I get the beer and the mop, I don't get why he's in a brothel instead of a bar.
If he were in a bar, then it would just be the original version of the joke. He'll drink the beer, it'll pass right through him, he'll need the mop.
The brothel was to plant the idea that he's looking for sex.
-
What's the best thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds?
There are twenty of them.
Doesn't really work with the hyphen, does it?
-
So a family of potatoes are sitting down to dinner.
There is a father potato : :police:
and three daughter potatoes : :| : (the eldest) :roll: (the middle) :laugh: (the youngest).
The father notices that his eldest daughter appears to be malcontent. He asks her:
:police: Hun, what's wrong? You're just playing with your food.
:| Dad, I'm worried that I'll never find a good 'tater to marry.
:police: That's foolish. Of course you will. What kind of 'tater are you looking to marry?
:| *...sigh* I guess I would want to marry an Idaho potato.
:police: Ahhh, yes. Them'r good 'taters. Yep... good 'taters come from there.
The father saw this as an opportunity to include the rest of the family into the conversation. He then asked his middle daughter:
:police: Now how about you? What kind of 'tater would you like to marry?
:roll: I dunno dad. I guess I'd like to marry a sweet 'tater.
:police: That's nice! Them'r good 'taters too!
Even though the father knew that the youngest daughter was far too young to really understand the conversation, he thought that it would be fun to include her as well.
:police: What about you, little one? What kind of 'tater would you like to grow up to marry?
:laugh: hehehe.. I'd wanna marry Dan Rather!
:police: [perplexed] ... b..but hun. Dan Rather is just a commentater.
*insert sad trombone scale, here.*
-
I'm pretty sure you mean a muted trumpet, not a trombone
Edit: what a lame way to hit 200
-
I'm pretty sure you mean a muted trumpet, not a trombone
Edit: what a lame way to hit 200
In my sound library, the sample is called "sad trombone".
I might be wrong, however.
-
What's the best thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds?
There are twenty of them.
Doesn't really work with the hyphen, does it?
Well as with most jokes it's meant to be spoken. Also, shut up!
-
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return?
A stick.
Ahh cha cha cha.
-
Duck walks into a convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any grapes?" The guy says, "no," and the duck walks out.
Five minutes later, the duck walks back into the convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any grapes?" The guy says, "Uh, NO!" and the duck walks out.
Five minutes later, the duck walks back into the convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any grapes?" The guy says, "I SAID NO, and if you come back in here again and ask me about grapes I am gonna NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!" and the duck walks out.
Five minutes later, the duck walks back into the convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any nails?" The guy says, "NO!" and the duck asks, "You got any grapes?."
/end joke
I've heard this one before but instead of a duck going into a convenience store it was a guy going into a bar asking the barman for heroin and the barman said he'd nail the guy's head to the counter.
Also...
How do you stop a baby crawling around in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor! BOOM BOOM! (at least it wasn't a dead baby joke)
-
What's the difference between a Jew and a Pizza?
A Pizza hasn't been subjected to years of cruel humour about a tragedy that some people to this day still deny.
-
I didn't see this yet...
A man is lost in the desert, stumbling through, thirsty as hell... when he comes across 3 market stalls, in the middle of the desert.
He goes to the first and says "please, have you got any water? i've been lost for hours!" and the vendor says "sorry, all i have is vanilla sponge"
So the lost man shrugs, and moves onto the next stall, a bit more desperate, and asks "please... have you got any water? i am literally dying of thirst here" to which the second vendor replies "sorry, all I sell is Jelly (jello)" The lost man starts to go a bit mad at this...
but he crawls over to the third and final stall, and begs of the vendor "PLEASE... PLEASE... please, you MUST have some water" and the vendor says "i'm so sorry, but all i have is whipped cream". The lost man cracks. "WHAT? WHAT? WHAAAAAT?!" he screams, "HOW CAN THERE BE 3 STALLS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DESERT AND NOT ONE OF YOU HAS ANY WATER... JUST SPONGE, JELLY, AND CREAM!?"
to which the vendor replies...
"yes, it is a trifle bazaar"
looooong
-
Q: What's fuzzy and pink?
A: Pink fuzz!!
Lamest joke ever eh?
You left off the best part:
Q: What's blue and fuzzy?
A: Pink fuzz holding its breath.
I usually say fluff(y) instead of fuzz(y) though.
-
What do you get if you dip hay in holy water?
Christian Bale
...o_O yes.
Every man in the world goes into a bar, one of them shouts "I'll get this round" ... what an idiot
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine "A flat minor"
What do you get if you drop a piano onto a barracks "A flat major"
I like to trick people with
Me: "I've just learnt the best knock knock joke ever, want to hear it?"
someone: "Okay then"
Me: "Okay, you start"
Someone: "knock knock"
Me: "who's there?"
You can get different reactions from that, the best is with daft people who just don't know what to do..they tend to catch fire...hehehehe
-
Bob's car breaks down one night in the middle of nowhere, his cell phone is dead, so he has no choice but to walk to the nearest town. It starts to rain, then gets really cold and nasty, so against his better judgement, he sticks his thumb out, figuring it's worth the risk.
A car appears over the hill and eventually pulls up to him. Without thinking much about it, Bob jumps in and the car slowly begins to move forward. Bob starts to say "Thanks" and looks over and no one is driving the car!
The car continues to move slowly, and Bob tries hard not to freak out. He is, after all, out of the cold and rain, and on his way to the next town. A curve in the road comes up, and Bob thinks "Okay, now what?" Just then, a pale hand appears out of the darkness, reaches through the driver's-side window, and turns the wheel. Each time a curve in the road comes up, that same hand reaches in and turns the wheel.
Eventually the lights of the town ahead appear, and Bob jumps out of the car and makes a run for it. He finds a bar where he hopes he can use the phone. But first he needs a drink. He has two, and soon the bartender and most of the regulars are listening his story. He's cold and wet and doesn't seem to be making it up.
Then two guys come into the bar, also cold and wet. One of them sees Bob and says to the other "Hey, isn't that the idiot who got into the car for a while when we was pushing it?"
-
What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard.
-
Where do one-legged people work?
IHOP
What do you call a cow with one leg missing?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.
-
Two old men are sitting in a retirement home chatting.
"I'm full of aches and pains today Alf. How do you feel?".
"Like a newborn baby Fred", Alf replies.
"Really, a newborn baby?" says Fred, to which Alf replies:
"Yeah, no hair, no teeth and I've just shat myself".
-
Two naked philosophers were sitting outside their university building discussing, well philosophy I suppose. They talked about Kant and Descartes and all manner of philosophy type things. After a lull in the conversation one turned to the other and said
"Have you read Marx?" to which the other philosopher replied
"Yeah, these cane chairs are murder!"
-
german humor... my dad loves this one.
Jürgen! Have you changed the water of the fishtank?
- No, he hasn't finished drinking it yet.
-
I met a girl once by telling her dead baby jokes. We went out for a year.
... and then she gave birth.
A couple of old favourites.
Why did Stevie Wonder fail his driving test?
Because he's black.
What's the difference between a rent boy and a microwave oven?
You can't brown your meat in a microwave.
Why is it better to be black than gay?
You don't have to tell your parents you're black.
What's the difference between bagpipes and onions?
Nobody cries when you chop up bagpipes.
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When you throw a bagpiper off a cliff and he lands on the accordionist.
What do you call someone who hangs around famous musicians hoping to get laid?
The drummer.
Why don't Catholics eat mashed potatoes?
It's abortion of fries.
-
I heard the Stevie Wonder one differently as "Why couldn't Stevie Wonder read." Conversely, I also heard similarly "Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?" 'Cause she's a woman.
-
You're lost in the desert and run into Santa Claus, an out-of-tune bagpiper, and an in-tune bagpiper, who each tell you to go a different direction. Which one do you listen to?
Answer: The out-of-tune bagpiper. The others are obviously hallucinations.
-
Picture a monkey. Pretty easy isn't it?
Now picture 10 monkeys. Still pretty easy, right?
Now picture 50 monkeys. Is it getting more difficult? Probably not.
Now picture 100 monkeys. You can probably do it.
Now picture 1000 monkeys. It's probably getting harder now.
Now picture 1,000,000 monkeys.
Isn't that a fuckload of monkeys?
-
You're lost in the desert and run into Santa Claus, an out-of-tune bagpiper, and an in-tune bagpiper, who each tell you to go a different direction. Which one do you listen to?
Answer: The out-of-tune bagpiper. The others are obviously hallucinations.
Originally I didn't intend this question to be a bad joke, but it ended up that way in my head.
How do you tune a bagpipe?
Incinerate the piece of shit, and grab an instrument that doesn't look and sound like a sack of angry cats.
-
What's the difference between a Scottsman and a member of the Rolling Stones?
The Stones say "Hey you, get off my cloud."
Scottsmen say "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe."
Why do bagpipers march when they play?
It's harder to hit a moving target.
-
Why do bagpipers march when they play?
It's harder to hit a moving target.
I've always heard that one as, "They're trying to get away from the sound."
Q) What's worn under a Scot's kilt?
A) Nothing. Every thing is in perfect working order.
Q) Why do Scots wear kilts?
A) Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
-
What's black and blue all over?
A black man wearing a blue suit. Fucking duh.
-
What is the fastest thing on land?
Stevie Wonder's speedboat.
-
Why do they call it menopause? Because "mad cow disease" was already taken
Confucius say: "he who eats crackers in bed feel crummy in the morning"
Confucius say: "he who walks around with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
How did the quadriplegic get up the hill? He didn't
How does a crazy person get out of the forest? He takes the psycho-path
-
what's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
any one can chop beef, but no one can pea soup
-
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?
Ten-ish.
-
Another for those terrible Confuscious jokes above:
"He who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok"
-
Did you hear about the guy who died after he fell asleep in his garage with his car motor running?
Poor bastard must've been exhausted.
-
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pool?
Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in front of a door?
Matt.
-
how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
put it in the microwave until it's bill withers.
-
Hey, did you guys see Helen Keller's new doll house?
...no?
Neither did she.
-
What's the difference between a pile of dead hookers and a ferrari...
I don't have a ferrari in my driveway.
I know alot of dead baby jokes too but... I don't want everyone to know I am a dick.
A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint and a steak pie, The barman says
"Holy shit a talking duck!"
The duck says
"Yeah, I am working on the building site across the street, I will be in here every lunch time".
The barman gets the ducks order, this haoppens monday to friday for a week or two.
The circus comes to town and the circus ring master comes into the bar at night for a pint, the barman strikes up a conversation,
"been a long day?"
"Yeah, it is getting harder and harder to get new exciting acts"
"Hey, I know of a talking duck! I could arrange a meeting if you want... for a nominal fee of course"
"Wow, a talking duck? Sure!"
They chat away for an hour or two until closing, The next day the duck comes in for lunch and the barman says
"Hey, I got a sweet gig for you, How would you like to work in the circus!"
The duck looks puzzled and says
"A circus? like the big canvas tent?"
The barman says
"Yeah! Wouldn't that be great!"
The duck stays quiet, thinking for a moment before replying
"What the fuck would they want with a bricklayer?"
*rimshot*
What do you get if you cross bruce lee and jackie chan?
Your ass kicked.
-
french exitentialists make the worst doctors
"Doctor, doctor, I have been striken blind!!"
"Meh, such is life"
-
I heard about a guy that tried to commit suicide by taking a whole bottle of asprin.
He failed. Turns out that after the first two pills, he felt better.
-
a man walks into a bar....
and goes ouch.
so bad it was told on a drink awareness ad on rte 9state broadcaster for ireland)
-
Why was the bike not standing straight?
Because it was TWO tired? *slaps knee and laughs*
Damnit I hate my dorm.
-
The way I heard that one Brian mor was that:
Two men walk into a bar, the first one says "Ouch!" and the second one says "Yeah, I didn't see it either."
-
Why didn't the duck make a good doctor?
He was a quack.
-
Plan 9 from Outer Space
Gigli
Oops! I did it again
The Fountainhead
-
Your mom ever being a virgin past 13.
(I'm sorry)
-
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
You can't get much worse than Chuck Norris
-
All of those were originally with Anal Prolapse no?
Edit: WTF, everytime we write C.H.U.C.K N.O.R.R.I.S it get replaced by Anal Prolapse?
-
Doctor! There's something wrong with my lower intestine!
Oh dear, I think that you have Norris of the Chuck. That's okay. It can be cured by a roundhouse kick... to the ass.
muteKi. Making bizarre jokes relevant to the dynamics of the community.
-
@ Scarychips: Yeah, that word filter's been in place for over a year now. Ever since those Norris jokes gained huge meme status, and ever since Jeph and the admin/mod group got sick of seeing them ALL OVER THE PLACE, the wordfilter's been in place, and the forum was immediately bettered.
An unfortunate side effect was that my then-ignorant, curious mind didn't know what an anal prolapse actually was at the time, so I GISed it. Fortunately, I've seen enough Goatse and Tubgirl-type stuff (and much, MUCH worse) to numb me to it, but it really wasn't pretty. Therefore, I highly suggest doing so ^__^
-
When Anal Prolapse has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
My word, a Norris joke I haven't heard 240 times before. Why are all the good women 10,000 miles away and probably not legal? :evil:
Norris once simultaneously beat Garry Kasparov, Anatoly Karpov and Bobby Fischer at chess. They weren't intimidated, but their kings dropped dead of fear.
-
Orbert, I'm pretty sure your signature is the funniest joke i've read in this entire post.
"There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't."
Possibly my ego just felt good because I got it. Now go ahead and crush me by saying everyone gets. Go ahead.
-
Everyone gets it.
-
What did the girl mushroom say about the boy mushroom after their date?
He's really a fungi!
Oh man, my math class generates millions of these shitty jokes. Stupid puzzle sheets.
EDITED FOR STUPID
-
How did that joke go..
.. I don't know but your mom's a whore.
-
Wow, so we're going full-tilt played-out jokes? Since everyone's favorite Prolapse, Chuck to the Norris is up in here, I guess it's time to move to the damn stupid lolcats:
(http://www.mentalfloss.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/flavor_410.jpg)
-
I guess it's time to move to the damn stupid lolcats:
Lolcats is really bad, but it's not a joke. Unfortunately.
-
Don't you tell me what's not a joke. I'l lolcat your damn avatar for that.
:-D
-
If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA Helicase (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicase) so I could unzip your jeans.
-
In Soviet Russia, shitty joke tells you. Done told that bitch twice now.
What do you call a Middle-Eastern man flying an airplane?
THE FUCKING PILOT, YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLE
in b4 'herd it alredy'
-
Why wasn't the cancer patient feeling well?
He had gloves on!
EDIT:
Also! What's the difference between a pimple and a Priest?
A pimple waits until kids turn 13 to come on their face~!
-
In Soviet Russia, shitty joke tells you. Done told that bitch twice now.
My favorite is this: "In America, you tap dance. In Soviet Russia, dancers tap you!"
I also can't wait until self-navigating cars are on the market so the /.'ers will say, "In Soviet Russia, YOU drive car!"
-
I'd fulfill my genetic imperatives by sticking my wee-wee in her vagina.
mi doin it rite, gaiz?
-
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bigish
Bigish who?
Not today thanks.
-
No Jens you did it wrong you were suppose to insult him mercilessly what are you thinking
-
Knock Knock
Who's there?
New person
new person who?
New person that doesn't know anything about the rules.
Hurr. let's make bad jokes about new people. fun fun.
-
WORST PAGEBREAK EVER
ALSO, EVERYONE ON THIS PAGE IS AN ASSHOLE
-
how do you get pikachu on a bus?
pokemon!
how many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
YOU DON'T KNOW MAN. YOU DON'T KNOW. BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE.
-
That last one was actually pretty good I think.
Does this make me Wrong?
-
Two goldfish were in a tank. One said to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
-
What did Helen Keller name her cat?
"BLEEAAURURRRGHHHhhh"
....I feel dirty.
-
Where does Snow White keep her boats?
By d-warf
-
What do you call an aardvark with a machine gun?
A well aardvark.
-
(Yayniall - this thread is from 2007. I don't know if it's written down anywhere, but typically, necroing is viewed as, ah, an un-good thing. It's okay! people make mistakes, but it would be cool if you could keep that in mind until next time!)
I said it before the other day and I'll say it again: at least he didn't start a shittastic new thread.
(oh god on second thought I really did not need to see that I was even SHITTIER a poster than I am now...)
-
How many fruedians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two. One to hold the ladder and another to screw in the Penis.
LIGHTBULB, I MEANT LIGHTBULB!
(bad joke I know)
-
A man and his wife go to their weekend getaway in the mountains where the husband likes to fish and the wife likes to read
the husband came home early one day from fishing and went to bed
the wife decided now would be her chance to go out on the boat and read
so she did
she didn't know the lake very well so she just layed anchor anywhere and began to read
along came a officer and told her "what are you doing?"
"reading" said the woman
"this is a restricted fishing area"
"but i'm not fishing"
"that may be true but you have all of the equipment so i will have to take you in"
"if you do that i will charge you with rape" the woman says
"but i didn' touch you"
"this may be true but you have all of the right equipment"
Moral of the story is: never mess with a woman who knows how to read.
-
hay do you like fishsticks
-
Oh dang, i feel silly.
It was on the list of new replies to your posts and I didn't realise it was that long since I posted.
=/
Plus if I started a new joke thread I'd get "WE HAD ONE OF THESE IN 2007, LURK MOAR"
aLSO
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
-
hay do you like fishsticks
Why yes, I like fishsticks.
-
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt.
What's blue and square?
An orange in disguise.
What do you call a time-travelling cow?
Dr Moo.
This thread is my spiritual home!
-
What's blue and square?
An orange in disguise.
This is comedy fucking gold
-
What's blue and square?
An orange in disguise.
This is comedy fucking gold
What's blue, orange, and rests at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with deflated armbands.
-
What's blue, orange, and green and rests at the bottom of a swimming pool?
Same baby one week later.
What's blue, orange, and red and rests at the top of a swimming pool?
Armbands with a deflated baby.
-
what's E.T. short for?
cos he's got little legs!
-
to be fair the thread title did say really bad jokes
-
A husband asks his wife, "Honey, can you tell me something that'll make me happy and sad at the same time?"
The wife takes a moment to think and finally says, "Your dick is bigger than your brother's."
-
What's white and wears checked trousers?
Rupert the Fridge.
-
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
-
HERE IS A REALLY GOOD JOKE
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
FUCKIN' DR. DRE MAN
-
What's blue and square?
An orange in disguise.
This is comedy fucking gold
yeah, I lol'd. Also that noddy joke was killer.
-
You've probably heard the first one before, but it doesn't look like it was in this thread.
What's green, nailed to a wall, and whistles?
A herring.
Two rock climbers were out scaling a cliff in a heavy wind. Unfortunately, as their gear was not properly secured, they fell down and hit some sharp rocks. As their souls began to ascend to heaven, they saw a pair of eagles. Awed, the two souls said, "Ah, eagles!" ...To be polite, the eagles said nothing.
-
You've probably heard the first one before, but it doesn't look like it was in this thread.
What's green, nailed to a wall, and whistles?
A herring.
Two rock climbers were out scaling a cliff in a heavy wind. Unfortunately, as their gear was not properly secured, they fell down and hit some sharp rocks. As their souls began to ascend to heaven, they saw a pair of eagles. Awed, the two souls said, "Ah, eagles!" ...To be polite, the eagles said nothing.
"ah, two souls"? I don't get it :-P
-
Lose the two, and say it out loud.
-
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.
-
A baby seal walks into a club
-
So at lunch I walked by the section where all the 'scary goth kids' sit, not the regular ones, the scary ones. And this one guy was like, "Hey, hey, what's the best part about having sex with a dead baby?" And the other guy was like, "What, what?" And the first guy says, "Hearing the pelvis crack."
And I keep walking and begin to cry and then contemplate suicide.
ohgod. I can imagine that noise and it's awful.
I guess to some people this is a joke?
-
A baby seal walks into a club
That is classy.
-
to be fair the thread title did say really bad jokes
I think I've killed this thread.
-
It's alright. This thread is a zombie anyway.
Most of the more impenetrable jokes make passable koans.
-
Your MOM is an impenetrable joke.
-
So a man goes to the doctor for a physical.
"You need to stop masturbating."The doctor tells him.
"Why?" The man asked.
"Because I'm trying to give you a physical here."
-
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?????
See you next month!
-
Quit stealing your jokes from the TV, Hannah.
-
So a man goes to the doctor for a physical.
"You need to stop masturbating."The doctor tells him.
"Why?" The man asked.
"Because I'm trying to give you a physical here."
That is hilarious
-
Your MOM is an impenetrable joke.
Well, it would be tough to get through the urn.
:cry:
Man, that comment is a meta-example of a really bad joke. It fits the thread in a much better way than anything else so far. Full marks!
Of course, now we both feel uncomfortable.
btw, that's not a joke up there, she seriously is deceased and cremated. it's a beautiful marble urn that i hug whenever i get a chance.
-
A cheeseburger walked into a pub and asked for three pints of Guiness, two halves of stout, and a double brandy. "Out!", yelled the barman, "I've told you before, we don't serve food."
-
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?" "I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep... "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad Dog"
-
btw, that's not a joke up there, she seriously is deceased and cremated. it's a beautiful marble urn that i hug whenever i get a chance.
That really sucks. But man I would have a great one for you if that were not the case. Since it is, though, my apologies. Here is a pretty decent one on another topic.
So a boy in early-1900s New York goes to a confessional and talks to the priest, describing how he had slept with a less than reputable girl. The priest says, "Oh little Giovanni Leone, is that you?" to which the boy replies, "Yes, Father, it is."
The priest then asks the boy, "Well, then, son, who was this poor girl, so I may also pray for her forgiveness?" and the boy responds, "I cannot say, Father, for her protection."
Father Leone, however, being a man of great faith and perseverance, keeps asking. "Was it "Giusi Luciano?"
"I cannot say, Father."
"Was it Maria Ferrelli?"
"I cannot say, Father."
"I admire you, son, for being so tight-lipped, but I must know. Was it Julia Caravaggio?"
"I will not say, Father!"
So the priest gives up, telling the boy he cannot be an altar server for another 4 weeks.
As the boy walks out, his friend asks him, "So what did you get?"
He replies, "Four weeks' vacation and 3 good leads."
-
It's all good, you couldn't have known, and that joke does not belong on this thread. Too good. Thanks for the laugh.
(One of these days I gotta update my sig to accomodate your name change)
-
So, like, there's three strings outside a bar, and they're thirsty for beer. But there's a sign there that says they don't serve strings.
"Fuck it" the first string says and he goes inside and orders a beer.
"Are you a string?" asks the Bartender. The string says he is and is promptly escorted outside.
Second string also gives it a try but to the same result.
But then the third piece of string rolls on the ground and ties himself up and messes himself up before going in. He orders a beer and the bartender asks him: "Are you a string?"
Answers the string: "'fraid not"
-
I read the whole thread...because I love bad jokes. And repeated some to friends, who temporarily blocked me on AIM...Anyhow, the most annoying thing about this thread are the repeats.
Some version of that string joke has been told about 5 times.
Knock Knock. Who's there? "Gestapo." About ten.
And a stick is brown and sticky.
-
A cat is sitting out on a field somewhere. He suddenly spots a nice fat bird over by a tree some way in the distance. Since the cat is extremely hungry it decides to slowly and carefully sneak to the tree and from there drop down unto the bird. The cat makes its way over to the tree, climbs it, looks at the bird and jumps out of the tree, missing the bird and ending up in a deep pool of water, right next to where the bird was.
The morale of this story?
The greater the desire, the wetter the pussy.
-
How do you make cat sound funny.
Freeze the cat and use buzzsaw to cut it half.
-
what does Yoko Ono have in common with Ethiopeans?
they both live off of dead Beatles.
-
An old man goes into a bar, the first time he's been there in years. The old jukebox is still there, but instead of Country music, it's mostly full of other stuff. After several minutes, he finally drops some money in and picks a song. Johnny Cash starts playing over the speakers. The bartender walks over, reaches behind the jukebox and flips a switch or something, and the jukebox stops and resets.
The old man was on his way back to his seat and didn't see this happen; he just figures the jukebox screwed up, so he picks another song. Willie Nelson starts playing. The bartender again walks over and cuts it off.
This time the old man sees it and is bummed. He asks the bartender what the deal is. The bartender just looks at him, then points to a sign on the wall next to the jukebox: "No Country for Old Men".
-
Werner Heisenberg was driving down the autobahn when we was pulled over by a policeman.
"Do you know how fast you were going back there?" the policeman asked, sternly.
"No," Heisenberg replied, "but I know where I am."
-
Man this thread is the greatest thing for late-night study sessions.
To contribute, this joke had me in stitches when I first heard it:
Q: What do you get when a bird flies into a fan?
A: Shredded Tweet!
(note: I was not old enough to dress myself when I first heard that joke)
-
You heard that joke as late as 2 weeks ago?
-
Like a cameraman during a moneyshot...
-
Woman walks into a supermarket and in the produce section she asks an employee:'Do you have any broccoli?' Employee searches and can't find it and informs her:'No, madame, at this time, we don't have any Broccoli'. Woman leaves. About an hour later the same woman returns and asks the same employee:'Do you have any broccoli?' Again, the man has to answer in the negative. Woman leaves. About an hour later, the same woman, the same man:'Do you have any broccoli?' This time, the employee interrupts her;'Madam, we'll come to your question in a moment, but first I'd like to enlist your help with a little problem I have. Could you spell the word 'bus' for me as in 'bus stop'? The woman, slightly baffled spells:'B-U-S'. 'Now', the man asks, 'could you spell cat as in 'cat flap'? The woman spells: 'C-A-T'. 'Éxcellent', says the man, 'now, final question: can you spell 'fuck' as in broccoli?' The woman thinks and says:'but, but, but ... there is no fuck in broccoli'. 'That's right', says the man 'THERE IS NO FUCKING BROCCOLI'.
-
A man walks in to a bar.
At first glance he barely registers as someone to be noted- of average height, average size, hairstyle and couture in keeping with modern norms. No particular expression blemishes or enhances his face; neither does he look peculiarly deadpan. This is all determined within a half-second of observation. In other circumstances, perhaps his banality might be a matter of interest; in this case it passes unnoticed. He is an utterly unremarkable man.
The man seats himself at the bar, and with a blank look that simultaneously acknowledges and dismisses every pair of eyes in the room, says:
"My butt is full of poops."
-
Good morning, Jeph.
What do you call a white man running down a hill?
Avalanche.
What do you call a black man running down a hill?
Mudslide.
What do you call a Mexican running down a hill?
Jailbreak.
-
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/47/PhilippMelanchthon.jpg)
-
:|
-
Fat people.
(Yeah i went there and it felt good.)
-
Some of these are funny. This is not keeping in the spirit of the thread
-
I think a solution can be found for that:
What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A rape victim.
-
99% of women kiss with their eyes closed. That's why it is so hard to identify a rapist
-
That would be date rape.
-
What do you call a woman with one black eye
A good listener
-
Fat people.
Each to his own.
-
A man walks in to the bar, excited and cheerful, he swaggers up to the bartender and says "Frank, give me a bourbon on the rocks!"
The bartender looks at him sadly and replies "No Jim, I know what you did to Jenny last time you got drunk, you're cut off from now on, get help, please, for your family."
The man breaks down crying realising what a monster he's become in this warren of villainy that some call a bar and promises to turn over a new leaf and be sober for the rest of his days.
There is no joke, alchoholism is a serious matter.
-
You are the worst at telling jokes Gilead.
-
Damn I was gonna post something like that up
Instead, have this one:
Q: Why?
A: Because
-
Oh now we're getting philisophical.
-
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Blondes'll screw anything
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Blondes screw in the back seat
-
How many ska kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to drop it and the other to pick it up pick it up pick it up
-
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. But I don't know how they got in there.
-
Emaline that is my favorite joke of all time.
o/
-
HEY LIZ I have a question for you. Have you ever smelled mothballs?
-
I am not answering that question.
-
hilarious
-
how many freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
two, one to hold the ladder and one to hold the penis
...i mean light bulb
-
How many fruedians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two. One to hold the ladder and another to screw in the Penis.
LIGHTBULB, I MEANT LIGHTBULB!
-
I have a new and never-before-heard-joke:
How many fruedians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two. One to hold the ladder and another to screw in the Penis.
LIGHTBULB, I MEANT LIGHTBULB!
-
Vagina...no, wait...3.
-
How many screws does it take to freud a penis
-
How many f- ROYAL RAINBOW!!!!
-
How many f- ROYAL RAINBOW!!!!
Holy shit
-
I immediately read that as Royal Tenenbaum.
-
How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 to hold it and wait while the world revolves revolves around him.
-
Intentional redundancy?
-
I was actually gonna re-post that joke but I didn't want to feel like an asshole doing so.
Yes, you are a bunch of assholes.
-
How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 to hold it and wait while the world revolves revolves around him.
Ok, I didn't laugh as much because it took me like 2 seconds to get it (I'm slow today, sue me), but that was pretty clever.
-
Yes, you are a bunch of assholes.
well, duh. :roll:
-
Stop me if you've heard this one:
"A Mormon walks into a bar. The bartender says 'What'll it be?' and the Mormon says 'I'll have a beer'. Then because the tenants of the Mormon faith prohibit imbibing alcohol, he spends all of eternity burning in agony deep within the fiery pits of hell (http://www.mitchclem.com/nothingnice/355/)."
-
Three men walk into a bar. One of them is a bit stupid and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
-
What's the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?
Methodist will say 'hi' in the liquor store.
-
Penis penis penis penis penis penis (http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/1760/penispenisbq4se8.png)
FYP.
-
You have to hear this one to get the full effect:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGA0dIz9-Wk
-
What. The. Hell?
A nine minute lead up to a joke that isn't even good? Fuck.
-
The title of the thread might have been a clue.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
-
What. The. Hell?
A nine minute lead up to a joke that isn't even good? Fuck.
I've always been partial to The Aristocrats done well, and I think Gilbert's version is great.
-
I'm not sure if I'm getting sick from his voice or the joke. Ugh.
-
What. The. Hell?
A nine minute lead up to a joke that isn't even good? Fuck.
The lead-up is where the humor comes from, not the punchline. You have to make it as obscene and outrageous as you can.
-
WARNING: I am a dick for telling this.
There was once a man who had more money than all the other men in the world. If you would imagine an airplane hangar. If you would image seventeen airplane hangars. If you would imagine seventeen airplane hangars packed stuffed wall to wall with 1 dollar bills. Filthy lucre. That is what this man had. This man also had a pregnant wife. So on the day of his child's birth he rushes to the hospital where his wife is being taken care of. 17 hours of labor. Kid's born. Wife dies of complications. So, the man decides he has enough money and time to be a father and a mother to his kid. He's getting whatever he wants whenever he wants it. He deserves it for coming out alive. So.
Kid's two. Very educated. Tutored by the best tutors in the best tudors. Can speak English incredibly, learning German. So, his Father says to him, "Alright. It's your birthday and we going to get you whatever you want from where ever you want." Well, the kid wants to go to the local toy store. They get in the limo and ride down to the toy store, nice and personal-like. They look around for a while and finally the kids looks up at a box of Purple and Pink Polka-Dotted Ping-Pong Balls, and he says "I want all of the Purple and Pink Polka-Dotted Ping-Pong Balls." Didn't even stumble over the words. Clever kid. So, anyways the Father cleans out the place of the Purple and Pink Polka-Dotted Ping-Pong Balls and takes them home. For hours the kids just looks at them and smiles. Doesn't open them, barely goes so far as to touch the boxes they are kept in. He has them stored away in some room of the mansion. Never goes to look at them or anything. Just keeps them in a room to gather dust.
Kid's seven. Extraordinarily talented. Plays ball like Ruth, spits logic like Locke and sings like a Mockingbird. Dad's been very diligent and caring in raising the boy. Spends most of his time with the boy and delegates his executive powers like a demigod of the Fortune 500. Rockefeller as Zeus. J.P Morgan as Thor. The money fills at least one Sears Tower now. The kid has been going to the same toy store for five years and cleaning it out of the same Purple and Pink Polka-Dotted Ping-Pong Balls every year. Storing them in rooms until you open the door and all you see is neatly stacked boxes one on top of the other blocking any entry into that room forever. So his father is a little perplexed but figures, That's kids for you. Father says to the boy in a serene loving tone, "It's your birthday today, you know. Put away your books and we'll go to that toy store you like so much." The boy says to him "No, Dad. I don't think so." The father is taken by surprise, naturally. "Let's go to the department store that's just opened up in the Lower West Side." The father nods approval, and they both get in the Limo. They head to the department store and the kid makes a B-line for the Toy section of the massive establishment. He seeks out his target and finds it. The Purple and Pink Polka-Dotted Ping-Pong Balls. He says he wants them all. The Father cleans the monolith of bargains out of the Purple and Pink Polka-Dotted Ping-Pong Balls without a word of complaint. How could he? This is the only thing the child ever asks of him. He has no right to deny him.
Kid's Fifteen. Athletic, Intelligent, Talented, and has now started to woo the girls in his Boarding School with his considerable charms. In short, shaping up to be the only child a Father could ever ask for. He goes home for holiday. His Father is becoming a picture of Decline. His face wrinkled with the stress of running his company and all the troubles coming with that. His body becoming frail and slouched in contrast to the literally Upstanding man he once was. Yet the money kept flowing in. The onesies could easily fill any number of buildings. Could easily drown God. Could easily cover the hole in the ozone. Could easily fix all the problems in the world if not for the harmless, unassuming greed of the man sitting on it. His child says to him "Hello Father. I've missed you." Hugs him. Touching reunion. The Father and his son talk animatedly about the goings-on in both of their nowadays very separated lives. After a few hours of this the Father suddenly says, "I've missed your birthday, son! Come! We will go anywhere you desire. How old are you? Fifteen! My the years." The boy says to him calmly "Let's head to the old toy store I used to love." "Oh come now! Certainly there can be something more I can get you then those Purple and Pink Polka-Dotted Ping-Pong Balls." "No, there isn't Father." "Hurrumph. Let's be off then." They get there. They purchase the fabled spheres. The child has them stored in a storage facility owned by the Father. Years pass. And the next thing you know...
Eighteen! Graduated! A man by legal standards, though in the eyes of many he was much more than that by the time he was Fourteen. He gets a call from his Father. Pack your things and Come to Berlin. I have news for you. You will live here from now on, but not without good reason. You will not know how to contain yourself when you hear of this. Goodbye and I Love You. So. The boy/man/child/son gets on a flight, but decides that if he's to leave his home country he should take what is most personal to him with him so he does not have any reason to come back. So, he packs his clothing and all the little personal effects he had acquired throughout his life into a few bags, and loads up every single box of Purple and Pink Polka-Dotted Ping-Pong Balls on to a plane with him, and tells the pilot to start off for Berlin.
The Father is called to the ICU in a hospital in Paris. His son is in critical condition. Elderly Father in tears. He wanted to set him up as his company's new CEO. He was planning to retire. This boy had been his life, and now his life was about to end. He comes into the ICU and the doctor explains to him that the plane his boy had been riding in had crashed because of the strain the cargo had put on the plane's engines. Those damn Purple and Pink Polka-Dotted Ping-Pong Balls. They had been the death of him. The boy did not have long so it would be best if you say your goodbyes, say Monsieur Doctor. The Father enters and sees his boy in a horrible state. Blood stained, struggling to breathe. This kid had once been the pinnacle of health. Now he was on doom's doorstep.
"Dad?"
"Yes, my son?" Father choking back warm tears.
"I don't have long. If you have any Questions..."
The father thinks a while, and in a moment of selfish curiosity, he comes up with a question.
"I do. Why did you make me buy you all those blasted Purple and Pink Polka-Dotted Ping-Pong Balls?"
"Well, Dad."
The boy dies.
Tl;Dr: i am sorry for telling this joke.
-
BEST JOKE EVAR
-
What. The. Hell?
A nine minute lead up to a joke that isn't even good? Fuck.
The lead-up is where the humor comes from, not the punchline. You have to make it as obscene and outrageous as you can.
This is called a shaggy dog story (folklore term). They are the worst sort of joke.
-
Purple and Pink Polka-Dotted Ping-Pong Balls
:mrgreen:
-
BEST JOKE EVAR
iamsosorryiamsosorryiamsosorry
-
What. The. Hell?
A nine minute lead up to a joke that isn't even good? Fuck.
The lead-up is where the humor comes from, not the punchline. You have to make it as obscene and outrageous as you can.
This is called a shaggy dog story (folklore term). They are the worst sort of joke.
I love the Aristocrats. Best joke ever
-
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese.
-
What. The. Hell?
A nine minute lead up to a joke that isn't even good? Fuck.
The lead-up is where the humor comes from, not the punchline. You have to make it as obscene and outrageous as you can.
This is called a shaggy dog story (folklore term). They are the worst sort of joke.
I love the Aristocrats. Best joke ever
Setup is better than punch line.
-
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Nuclear war.
-
Poker? I hardly even know'er!
-
thia ia bad jokes not good ones.
-
Well that was a bad one
-
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says to those in the bar, "Where's the dirty bastard that shot my paw?"
-
Also:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't banana again?
I'm sorry.
-
Rectum? No, I smashed his face in!
-
What sound does a masturbating dandy make?
"Fop fop fop fop fop."
-
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Batman.
Interrupting Batman wh--
MY PARENTS ARE DEAD! (http://www.pvponline.com/my-parents-are-dead/)
-
A nun is driving in a seedy neighborhood. She sees a sign outside a dilapidated building that says 'Quickies: $25.' The nun, having been raised in the church and never much exposed to the world is very innocent and does not understand. She pulls in at the convent down the street and asks one of the sisters there, 'sister, what's a quickie?' And the sister replies, '$25, just like down the street.'
Hey-O!
-
Two black guys are peeing off the side of the Golden Gate bridge. One of them turns to the other and says "Damn... this water's cold."
His friend looks at him and replies, "Yeah... and deep."
-
Is the joke that they are peeing while they are swimming in the water? I'm confused.
-
the joke is that they have huge penises
-
This is one of my favorite tellings of the aristocrats joke: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4Cw-TK62vA&feature=PlayList&p=8548EEC26C6B1D83&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=9
I really enjoyed the whole documentary on the joke, but I understand it's not everyone's cup of tea.
-
hey did you hear about that guy whose whole left side was cut off?
yeah don't worry though, he's all right now.
-
This is one of my favorite tellings of the aristocrats joke: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4Cw-TK62vA&feature=PlayList&p=8548EEC26C6B1D83&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=9
I really enjoyed the whole documentary on the joke, but I understand it's not everyone's cup of tea.
Yes! That's one of my favorite versions as well. What do you think of this rendition?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Z9cx1MG8w
-
(http://i.somethingawful.com/u/petey/comedygoldmine/2009a/aprila/canadianwhiskey/WingsOfSteel_.jpg)
-
Yes! That's one of my favorite versions as well. What do you think of this rendition?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Z9cx1MG8w
I don't like versions that can only be done once, as a general rule. It kind of takes out of the funny for me.
-
I don't like versions that can only be done once, as a general rule. It kind of takes out of the funny for me.
I see where you're coming from. But when a body count is involved, there is a more morbid level of humor.
Back to the bad jokes! What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
...Stolen.
-
What do you call a deaf dog?
...
-
Nothing, you have to throw something at him instead.
-
Nosy little fucker, aren't you?
-
What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?
Telling your parents you're gay.
(I actually kinda like that one)
-
What do you call someone who uses tiny font on a forum?
Kind of annoying for that particular post.
-
What do you call the entire black population of Vermont?
Carl.
-
What do you call someone who uses tiny font on a forum?
Kind of annoying for that particular post.
I have a name, you know.
-
Obnoxious McSmallText?
-
No, no, no
Pretentious MacSmallText
-
God you are really on a roll with really bad jokes aren't you
-
I don't know any other kind of jokes.
-
Whats the difference between Snowmen and Snow-women?
Cleanish Version:
Snowballs.
Less Clean Version:
Where you put the carrot.
-
Alternate ending jokes. Brilliant
-
Thanks for the bill bailey quote Jimmy
"Three blind mice walk into a bar, but are unaware of there surroudnings so to derive humour from them would be exploitative"
-
orginal from me.
haluatko kuulla hyvän scat vitsin?
en
sulta menee kaikki hyvät jutut ohi suun.
now in english
wanna hear good scat joke?
no
all the good jokes miss your mouth.
(please like me)
-
Was it better before you translated it?
-
Either way that joke is gold. Haha "sulta menee kaikki hyvät jutut ohi suun."
Classic
-
Why did the tomato turn even redder?
Because it saw the Italian dressing and blushed.
-
While showing off his new apartment to his mates late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?" said the mate.
"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fucks sake, you asshole, it's 2 in the morning!!"
-
That joke goes really well with your avatar.
-
Ok, time for one of my favorite straight-edge jokes!
Q: How many straight edge kids does it take to finish off a case of beer?
A: Only one, provided no other edge kids are there to see him do it.
-
Knock knock
whos there?
boo
boo who?
stop crying.
-
<insert obligatory groan here>
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
One!
-
How many drummers does it take to replace a lightbulb?
Ten, one to change it, and nine to comment on how much better John Bonham would have done it.
How many lead singers does it take to replace a lightbulb?
One, he just holds the lightbulb and lets the world revolve around him to screw it in.
-
This toiletpaper is just like Clint Eastwood:
- It´s rough
- It´s tough
- And it won´t take no shit
-
The Archbishop of Canterbury, George Bush, the Pope and a schoolboy are in a plane. The pilot comes over the intercom: "We're in trouble and the plane is going to crash - but I'm sorry to say there are only three parachutes between you. You'll have to choose amongst yourselves!"
The Archbishop says " I am the leader of the world's Anglicans!" and jumps.
George Bush says "I am the leader of the free world!" and jumps.
The Pope starts saying "I am...", but the shoolboy interrupts: "It's OK - George took my school bag!"
-
This toiletpaper is just like Clint Eastwood:
- It´s rough
- It´s tough
- And it won´t take no shit
Hehe
-
The Archbishop of Canterbury, George Bush, the Pope and a schoolboy are in a plane. The pilot comes over the intercom: "We're in trouble and the plane is going to crash - but I'm sorry to say there are only three parachutes between you. You'll have to choose amongst yourselves!"
The Archbishop says " I am the leader of the world's Anglicans!" and jumps.
George Bush says "I am the leader of the free world!" and jumps.
The Pope starts saying "I am...", but the shoolboy interrupts: "It's OK - George took my school bag!"
Murdered the original version of this joke.. but guess that's why it's in this thread.
-
in new zealand men are men and the sheeps are nervous.
-
A man walks into a bar.
He says, "Ow."
-
People once said that there'd be a black president when pigs fly.
Now look: 100 days in and swine flew.
-
That's not a joke that's a fuckin PROPHECY man!
-
Sarah Palin.
-
She was some sort of practical joke, right?
-
Hey guys guys guys!
What do you get when you cross a power-hungry world leader with potatoes?
A dicTATER!
-
A paraplegic walks into a bar...
-
I prefer this variation:
<insert obligatory groan here>
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
That's not funny!
-
An Irishman walks past a bar...
Wait, this is the jokes thread, not the fairytale thread
-
Oh, that reminds me of this Irish bar joke:
An Irishman moves to New York City. Once settled in, he finds the nearest bar and orders four shots of whiskey. The bartender fills four shot glasses and gives them to the Irishman, who downs all four in quick succession. The next day, the Irishman goes to the same bar, orders four more shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Hey, if you're gonna drink them all at once, I can just give you one glass." The Irishman replies, "No, thanks. One's for myself and the others are for the three brothers I left back home."
And so it goes. Every day the Irishman comes in, and every day the bartender has four shots of whiskey waiting. Then one day, the Irishman drinks three shots, and with a sigh pushes the remaining glass back across the bar, his face hung down in an expression of mourning. The bartender, realizing something's amiss, comes over and in a hushed voice says, "I'm sorry, what's happened to your brother?"
The Irishman looks up and says, "Oh, my brothers are fine. But my doctor tells me I have to stop drinking."
-
That was actually quite funny
-
The reason hitting below the belt is not counted in sabre is that it could cause brain damage.
Q: How many foil fencers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not as many as it takes to change a heavy bulb.
A fencing salle may be the only place you'll ever hear one man ask another: "Will you zip me up?"
-
An Irishman walks past a bar...
Wait, this is the jokes thread, not the fairytale thread
this joke is the best at following the thread title
-
I notice there were no jokes about epee fencing, probably because that's enough of a joke in it's own right.
-
I notice there were no jokes about epee fencing, probably because that's enough of a joke in it's own right.
I thought about taking up fencing, but then I thought what's the point?
-
What do you get when you mix a analyst with a therapist?
A analrapist
-
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
-
A limo driver picks up the Pope from the airport.
The pope has a request:
"In Vatican I am never allowed to drive cars. Could you let me drive?"
The driver thinks that that's not such a good idea, after all it's his job to drive the pope and bring him to his destination safely, the driver fears he could lose his job over this.
The pope insists and promises a really high tip, so the driver gives in. He sits in the back and the pope drives.
And how he drives! 150 km/h inside the city.
"Your holyness, please drive slower!"
But it's too late! The police stops them.
The driver (sitting in the back) fears for his driving licence.
The police officer looks into the car, goes back to his car and calls his boss.
"I have stopped someone with 150 km/h inside the city."
"Well, why do you call me, just arrest him."
"I think he might be really important."
"Really important? I don't care, 150 km/h in the city, he could have killed someone, he must be out of his mind, arrest him!"
"I think he might be really really important."
"Well, who is it?"
"I am not sure, but his driver is the pope."
-
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
Simple, Offensive... I love it!
It comes off as an old "staple" joke, but I've never heard it.
-
I liked the AIDS joke, too.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, grandma was beating off the Indians while the cavalry was coming.
-
A man with an enormous head the shade of a construction cone walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender pours his drink, and tries to avoid looking, but he's drawn to the man's enormous day-glo melon. Finally he can't help it anymore and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, and I don't mean to be rude but..."
At which point the man cuts him off with a smile and says, "I know, I know. Don't worry I get this one all the time. You want to know how I got to be like this, right?" "Well, yeah," says the bartender.
"Here's the thing," says the man. "I was walking along the beach one day, when I came upon a lamp that looked like something straight out of 'Lawrence of Arabia'. Of course, I rub it, and sure enough a genie pops out and offers me three wishes. So the first wish I make is to be independently wealthy, which he granted. To this day, I don't believe I'll ever have to want for money again."
"That's amazing," said the bartender. "I know," said the man.
"The second wish," said the man, "Was to meet the love of my life, who would love me forever in return. And sure enough, he introduced me to my wonderful wife."
"That's beautiful," said the bartender, "but what about the third wish?"
"See, that's where I think I went wrong," said the man.
"Why, what'd you wish for?"
"A giant orange head."
-
A buddy of mine told me this one, a friend of his is serving in Iraq and heard it going around and decided to share.
Why are Iraqis like pool balls?
The harder you whack them around, the more English you get.
-
Two Iraqi mothers are showing each other pictures of their sons. One of them sighs, "They blow up so fast."
-
Theres been a big bust-up in the biscuit tin.....a bandit called rocky who was crackers hit a penguin over the head with a club. tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon. kidnapped a trophy and made his breakaway in a taxi. the police say rocky was last seen just after eight by a viscount from maryland hobnobbing a ginger nut. unfortunately they have not got a crumb of evidence! (the jammie dodger got away)
-
"A giant orange head."
Am I missing something here I don't get it.
I've heard the 12 inch Pianist joke but not this one.
-
Supposedly "it's funny because it's expected". I agree with the second part.
-
I notice there were no jokes about epee fencing, probably because that's enough of a joke in it's own right.
You can always tell what weapon someone fences by listening to their conversations:
- Foil fencers talk about the price of their clothes
- Épée fencers talk about the price of their weapons
- Sabre fencers talk about the price of their women
- Épée fencers talk about getting screwed in the market
- Foil fencers talk about getting screwed by their lovers
- Sabre fencers talk about getting screwed by directors
-
A man is sitting in a bar and sees a girl walk into the bar that he thinks he went home with before. "Excuse me, but I think that we hooked up before. If I remember correctly, you have this really fancy brass - furnished restroom." She says, "I don't have a fancy restroom, but you must be the asshole who took a shit in my tuba!"
A comedian told this joke, and the thing that made it funny is that he told it with John F. Kennedy's accent.
...the joke itself sucks, though.
-
I hope I haven't already told this one but I can't be bothered to trawl back looking for it so let's pretend I haven't if I have.
A little boy is obsessed with tractors. Tractors are his favourite thing ever, all his toys are tractors and all his clothes have tractor motifs. His bedroom wallpaper is tractor patterned, his curtains are tractors, his placemat at dinner has a tractor on it. Every year his dad buys him something tractor-themed for his birthday. Seriously, no one likes tractors more than this boy.
When the little boy is almost ten he starts looking round the house for his birthday present, but he can't find a thing. He can't find a tractor-shaped parcel, he can't find any tractor wrapping paper, he can't even find a tractor birthday card. He looks in all the places where adults hide things thinking that no one will find them but there's nothing at all anywhere.
On his birthday the little boy springs out of bed and runs downstairs, convinced that there will be a present somewhere, but there's nothing and his dad doesn't even say happy birthday to him. By lunchtime the little boy is devastated, thinking his dad has forgotten his birthday. He eats his sandwiches in silence and begins to cry.
His dad gets up and grabs his car keys, telling the boy to follow him. They get into the car and drive and a few minutes later they arrive at a farm. There's a huge red tractor in the yard and the little boy's eyes light up; even more so when his dad tells him that for his birthday present, he can drive the tractor around the farmer's field for an hour or so. The farmer shows the little boy how to operate the tractor and then lets him drive into the field and off.
The boy is thrilled and he drives around the field a few times, going slowly and carefully with no problems at all. Every time he passes the gate he waves to his dad and the farmer and they wave back. But the fifth time he mistimes the corner and goes ploughing through the farm house wall, destroying the whole thing utterly.
Well, his dad is furious. He grabs the little boy and hauls him home, shouting all the way about insurance and stupidity and how he never wants to hear the word "tractor" ever again. When they get home he gathers up all the little boy's tractor things into a bin bag and throws them out, and no matter how much the little boy begs he is never allowed another tractor toy.
Like all children the boy grows up and gets other interests and when he's an adult he becomes a fire fighter. He's actually a very good fireman, and he's quickly promoted to the Chief Officer of his station. One day the crew is called to a huge fire at a block of flats where two small children are trapped on an upstairs floor, unable to get out due to the amount of smoke chocking the stairway. Everyone is panicking and they can't think of a way to get them out but the Chief Officer who was once the little boy marches right up to the building, throws open the door and goes to the stairwell. He takes a deep breath, sucking in a lot of smoke, and then blows it back out again behind him. Very quickly the stairs are clear of smoke and he can run up and fetch the children, and he carries them back down to safety.
Everyone is amazed and they all praise him, calling him a hero and a miracle worker. A local newspaper sends a reporter and she asks him what everyone wants to know: "How did you do it? How did you get rid of all that smoke without choking?"
"Easy," says the man who was once the little boy. "I'm an ex-tractor fan."
-
Q:How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.
Q:How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
Q:How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.
Q:How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:One.
Q:How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Just one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.
Q:How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by. The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!" One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that shit?"
-
what's small, red & white, and screams a lot?
a skinned baby in a bag of salt.
-
meh, if i can get away with professing a thorough dislike of the dodgy indie-pop that every other user here loves to constantly dry-hump, i can get away with a dead baby joke 8-)
i didn't really think it was that funny, but a room full of people cracked up ridiculously when i said it the other day, so i figured, wtf, why not?
-
Careful sir. They don't take kindly to Dead Baby jokes here :-(
They might like you better than me though, so its possible you'll be okay.
...I think it was the implication that you were having sex with it that pushed it over the line. MIGHT BE WRONG.
what's small, red & white, and screams a lot?
a skinned baby in a bag of salt.
I'd have just said Jack White.
-
Dead baby jokes, like a lot of other jokes, are a matter of context. You wouldn't tell your granny the joke about the twelve inch pianist, would you? In the same way, you've got to know your audience to tell dead baby jokes. In the right context, they can lead to makeouts. Normally, they will lead to people going "UGH" and running away from the creepy man.
-
oh thank god we bumped this thread to discuss the finer points of dead baby jokes
-
whats the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of marbles?
you can't unload a truckload of marbles with a pitchfork!
-
whats the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of marbles?
you can't unload a truckload of marbles with a pitchfork!
You are a guy who just keeps going aren't you? Doesn't quite know when to stop, even when people point out that you are going too far, you gotta go one step farther. You sir, you are of a purer breed.
Just, stop it, okay. Stop. All of you, fingers on lips. Stop.
-
i just love it when people on forums have one thing that they get really pissed-off and high-and-mighty about, even when it's no dumber than any number of things that have whole threads devoted to them...
lucky for you the only other dead baby jokes i know are the obvious ones that EVERYONE's heard.
-
I laughed at the dead baby jokes. I know a pedophile joke I want to tell so hard right now.
-
do it!
-
Only because someone asked.
This guy kidnaps this kid, and he's taking the kid through the woods in the middle of the night when it starts thunderstorming. The kid starts crying at the thunder and lightning, and the guy goes, "What are you crying about, I'm the one who has to walk home alone."
BAD JOKE.
-
Tommy needs to post the one steve albini joke about the welding mask
-
That, Vern, was not in good taste, amusing, witty, or funny in any way, shape or form.
-
don't cry then!
yeah, i laughed.
-
That, Vern, was not in good taste, amusing, witty, or funny in any way, shape or form.
Would you say then, that it was a really bad joke?
-
Man you and I both know that if jokes of a similar caliber are posted in force here, the thread will just get locked.
Or maybe that is your intent.
-
My intent was to make people that liked the jokes laugh. The people that HATE those kinds of jokes, I assumed, would realize we're just trying to bring more laughter into our lives and that we meant no harm. (I personally don't have sex with babies, I mean)
About the thread getting locked, I'm sorry if it happens, more sorry if I caused it to happen, but really are these jokes any more offensive than most of what I've heard from the (terribly funny) Yelling Bird?
-
Surely this is a prime example of questionable content?
-
This thread just keeps getting better and better.
A Buddhist walks into a pizza store and asks "Can you make me one with everything?"
-
Did you hear about the schizophrenic Buddhist?
He was at two with the universe.
-
Almost as bad as the one about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.
In fact, I think he was the same one who tried to sell his soul to Santa once.
-
A Buddhist walks into a pizza store and asks "Can you make me one with everything?"
Amazing!
-
I've heard that before because I mentioned that you hear Muslim jokes, Jewish jokes, Christian jokes, atheist jokes, Catholic jokes, but never Buddhist jokes, and someone started posting a bunch of them.
This was on a different forum.
Why didn't the Buddhist check his email?
He didn't want any attachments.
-
Pity the poor insomniac dyslexic agnostic, who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
-
Is there really a dog?
-
I've got two - and they worship me.
-
What's better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
-
Jesus is in the cross and he says to God, "Father, if you love me, remove these nails from my hands," and God does, and Jesus says "Oww! Get the feet, GET THE FEET!!!!"
and joke 2-
A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He’s riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.
It’s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.
They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed – and there his wife lays in bed with another man!
Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man’s head. Just then, his wife yells “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!…”
-HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
-HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
-HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
-HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
-HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks “What should I do?”
The taxi driver replies, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”
-
Q: Why does Rupert the Bear wear yellow and black chequered trousers?
A: Because he's a fucking twat.
-
What does PETA stand for?
People Eating Tasty Animals
-
Just like STOP means Squeal Tires On Pavement.
...not the band.
-
What does ET stand for?
I don't know, I haven't heard his policies
-
A man in ancient Greece takes his pants to a tailor to be sown back up again.
The tailor looks them over and says, "Euripides?"
The man nods and replies, "Eumenides?"
-
What does ET stand for?
(http://www.beenbettercomic.com/istrip_files/strips/20090405.jpg)
-
I have an incredibly dirty joke that I love telling at bars, but I'm afraid of posting it here and getting the thread locked. It's not particularly offensive, just DIRTY. I'll offset it with another.
Tarzan and Jane are in the jungle and they get to talking about sex. Jane asks Tarzan, "Tarzan how do you have sex?"
Tarzan is confused and asks, "What this sex?"
Jane explains and Tarzan says, "Oh Tarzan just find hole in tree."
Horrified, Jane says, "We're going to do this the right way," and lays down naked on the floor. Jane commands Tarzan, "Tarzan, you put it here."
Tarzan then punts Jane in the crotch as hard as he can. After Jane writhes around in pain and after regaining her focus exclaims, "What did you do that for?"
Tarzan explains, "Tarzan check for bees."
wah...wah...wah...
i love jokes
-
Crap.
-
What does ET stand for?
I don't know, I haven't heard his policies
What's ET short for?
He's only got little legs.
-
One muffin says to another, "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"
-
I think you told that one wrong.
-
I shortened it due to laziness issues.
-
A man goes to the doctor to get a physical.
The doctor is examining him, uh...down there, and remarks "Sir, I'm afraid you need to stop masturbating."
The man asks "Why?"
And the doctor answers "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."
-
Okay that was just stupid enough for me to find really funny.
-
So a man goes to the doctor for a physical.
"You need to stop masturbating."The doctor tells him.
"Why?" The man asked.
"Because I'm trying to give you a physical here."
Already been done. By me. 4 pages ago. You're slow, old mannnn.
-
If you watch Jaws backwards it's a movie about a shark who keeps throwing people up until they have to open a beach.
-
What's the difference between an elephant and a bed post?
Quite a lot actually.
-
Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
A: 1. Open door. 2. Insert elephant. 3. Close door.
Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
A: 1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Insert giraffe. 4. Close door.
Q: The king of the jungle, the lion, decided to have a party. He invited every animal in the jungle, but one didn't come. Which one?
A: The giraffe, because it was stuck in the fridge.
Q: Two explorers attempt to cross a crocodile-infested stream. How do they manage to get across?
A: They just wade across. The crocodiles are at the lion's party.
-
Original version:
Q: How do you get four elephants into a mini [the car]?
A: Two in the front and two in the back.
Q: How do you get four giraffes into a mini?
A: You can't - it's full of elephants!
-
Time for Elephant jokes!
Q: How does an Elephant get out of a tree?
A: Stands on a leaf and waits for autumn.
Q: How does an Elephant hide?
A: Paints the bottom of his feet yellow and floats upside-down in a bowl of custard.
Your turn...
-
Broken limericks:
There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When they said it was so,
He replied, "Yes, I know,
But I always try to fit as many words into the last line as ever I possibly can."
There was a young man of St Bees,
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp.
When they asked "Does it hurt?"
He replied "No it doesn't,
But I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet!"
-
How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
Open the door and push really hard.
How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?
Take the elephant out first, silly.
The lion calls a meeting of all the animals. Which one doesn't come?
The giraffe. He's still stuck in the fridge.
You have to cross a shark- and pirhana-infested river with no bridge, no boat and no rope. How do you get across alive?
Just swim. The sharks and pirhanas will be at the lion's meeting.
-
a man walks into a bar with a pet monkey. I've forgotten the rest of the joke, but your mum is a whore.
.
-
I'm thinking the threads getting too long or everyone needs to read it from the beginning. Seeing a lot of double posts now, most of these were bad enough the first time :-P
Bad jokes?
In a thread about bad jokes?
SKANDALOZE
-
Time for Elephant jokes!
Q: How does an Elephant get out of a tree?
A: Stands on a leaf and waits for autumn.
Q: How does an Elephant hide?
A: Paints the bottom of his feet yellow and floats upside-down in a bowl of custard.
Your turn...
That's not how you tell and elephant joke!
Q: Why does an elephant have yellow footsoles?
A: So that he can hide by floating upside-down in a bowl of custard.
Have you ever seen an elephant float upside down in a bowl of custard? No? Then he's well hidden!
-
Oooh Limericks!
That Warrior Coriolanus
did several things that were heinous
he poisoned the cat
set fire to my hat
and now he's been sick in my trainers
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow
A frenchman put a match to it and now its all aglow.
Little boy blue, come blow your horn, you must be very supple.
-
Now is the time that I wish I had that dirty limerick from the english major friend of ours. It was excellently written.
-
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Do you smell something fishy?"
-
A Duck walks into a bar and says 'Excuse me barman, can I have a beer and a sandwich please?'
The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'.
'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.
'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working', says the duck, 'Now can I have my beer
and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly', says the barman, 'sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'
'Sounds marvellous', says the ringmaster, 'get him to give me a call'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!'
'Yeah?', says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?'
'At the circus', says the barman.
'The circus?' the duck enquires.
'That's right', replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
'Yes' says the barman.
'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.
'Yeah' the barman replies.
'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.
'Of course' the barman replies.
'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
'What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?'
-
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says
"Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
-
There once was a vampire named Mabel
Whose periods were always quite stable
Every full moon
She's pull out a spoon
And drink herself under the table
-
A young psychic midget named Marge
Went to jail with the most heinous charge
But despite lock and key
The next day she broke free
With the headline "Small Medium at Large"
There once was a maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink,
as you'd possibly think;
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczinsky must surely have known --
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
Of the possible ways to be blown
There once was a small juicy orange,
...fuck.
limerickdb.com
-
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/period.png)
-
You left off the pop-up.
-
Yayniall ... you're doing it wrong. Most of those aren't bad at all!
In fact .. I was amused.
-
St. Anger.
-
That was just a really bad joke right guys?
Right?
-
HOW MANY NAZIS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
NONE. HEIL HITLER!
-
can the thread die/be locked now please?
-
Michael J Fox was shaving one day
LOLOLOLOL
-
Am I the only person who actually kinda liked St Anger? Its definitely not up to par with older Metallica, but in its own right I think it has its merits.
Anyway... Bad Jokes...
Michael J. Fox walks into an Ice Cream Store, asks for a Double Scoop.
Man behind the counter says, "Sure, what would you like?"
MJ: "It doesn't matter, I'm just gonna fucking drop it anyway."
No, I liked St.Anger just fine and on reflection maybe more so than Death Magnetic.
You were however the only one who liked that MJ Fox joke.
-
Why doesn't Michael J Fox like the game Operation?
He finds it childish.
-
Two penguins are sitting on an iceberg.
One penguin turns to the other and says, "It looks like you're wearing a tuxedo.
So the second penguin says, "Well, maybe I am."
-
That MJF joke was awesome.
-
somewhere along the lines of a baby doesn't orgasm unless having sex with MJF
seriously people, it's a bad joke. The reason the thread is here.
-
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
This thread will NEVER DIE!
-
Man why you gotta do a thing? That is just tempting the mods.
-
Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the hotelier three nails and says, "Put me up for the night."
-
Yeah, brilliant movie, that.
-
"Move and you're dead!"
"I say I'm dead, and still I move."
Agreed. Great movie.
-
Knock Knock
Who's there
9/11
9/11 Who?
You Said you'd never forget!
-
Heh, that's an old favorite of mine. Here's a decent one that I stole from somewhere.
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you,' said Dan the pharmacist, 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'
'I'm 96,' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'
-
Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a City fan." The reporter starts again: "Stockport County fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a County fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "United," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Rag bastard kills family pet...".
-
What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a rottweiler humping your leg?
You let the rottweiler finish.
-
I'm going to hell for this one... :evil:
Farrah Fawcett dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, she is greeted by Saint Peter who says to her, "Miss Fawcett, in your life you touched many people and did many things to help your fellow man. Therefore, you shall be granted one wish."
Farrah thinks it over for a bit and says, "What I want the most is for all the children of the world to be safe from harm and danger."
St. Peter replies, "Very well. We'll kill Michael Jackson."
-
You were however the only one who liked that MJ Fox joke.
Thread success?
-
Ok so there's this polar bear, and he walks into a bar. The bartender asks "what can I get you?" and the bear replies "I'll have a gin and ............. tonic". The bartender asks "What's with the pause?" and the bear replies "What, these?", holding up his hands, "I've had them all my life!"
I was the only person in the room who laughed at this one. I'm ok with it.
-
reminds me of my favorite pickup line to eventually not lead to anything...
What can a 500 lb polar bear do that a penguin can not?
Break the ice, How you doin'?
-
Do you know how Billy Mays died?
He was reading the newspaper and saw that Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson all died within the same week. Then he stood up and said, “But wait! There’s more!”
-
I should stop mining this thread for jokes.
Polar bear one, small grin (which is a laugh)
^^^ That post - big laugh, went and told me roommate.