THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)
Fun Stuff => CHATTER => Topic started by: valley_parade on 01 Mar 2009, 10:38
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Because I said I was going to, here it is.
Do you golf? Have you ever thought about golfing? Do you think it's a stupid idea and a waste of time? (Fuck yourself if you do)
I am here to teach you how to become as good as a professional golfer. Feel free to ask questions.
(hint: Step one is to dress (http://img.timeinc.net/golf/i/tours/2007/11/nov8_poulter_459x600.jpg) ridiculously. (http://www.virginmedia.com/images/stewart.jpg) The more argyle (http://www.pringlegolf.com/media/images/_MG_4023.jpg) you wear, the more you are likely to succeed (http://www.pringlegolf.com/media/images/_MG_4844.jpg) in your golfing endeavors.)
If you manage to step foot on a golf course wearing head-to-toe argyle, they WILL reward you with cute golfing ladies. Like this one.
(http://www.pringlegolf.com/media/images/_MG_5740.jpg)
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How does one hit a golf ball?
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Hard.
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How does one hit a golf ball?
Excellent question, May.
With the ball on the ground, select a club from your bag (usually not the putter). Stand next to the ball, with it placed a few feet in front of you. Grip the club with the big part facing towards the ground. Draw the club back, and then forward again, so that the big part of the club makes contact with the golf ball. DO NOT FORGET TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH YOUR SWING.
It won't go very far if you forget that last bit.
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Step 2, become Jesus-like.
Jesus Golfs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZ1st1Vw2kY&feature=related)
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hard is perfectly fine, as long as you are relaxed and focused while doing so.
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hard is perfectly fine, as long as you are relaxed and focused while doing so.
In my years of golfing, I find the best way to get into a state of proper relaxation and focus is to drink heavily both before and during golf.
However, stay relaxed. If you're trying too hard to put a good swing on the ball, you're likely going to hit it poorly and become the laughingstock of your golfing group.
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you know it's almost wierd how much a couple beers will help you with recreational sports.
Do you prefer caddying yourself or golf cart?
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The last time I drove a golf cart, I crashed into a tree. I find carrying your bag is a rewarding exercise. Of course, it makes it harder to carry a drink.
Step three: No matter what Mark Twain said, golf is a sport. Remember to stretch before golfing (and in between drinking). Here is an example of how to stretch, using a golf club.
(http://redbullsreader.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/camilo-villegas.jpg)
Make sure your wallet doesn't fall out of your trousers, as this bloke's is. Then you won't have money to buy new clubs or balls.
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That is a bloke? That is a very unnatural position for a man to be in.
Stretching!
Furrrrst, ve stretch dis way:
(http://i278.photobucket.com/albums/kk92/_beatingheartsbaby/1157742513ry5ekh.jpg)
Zen, ve stretch dis way:
(http://i278.photobucket.com/albums/kk92/_beatingheartsbaby/1180712388_5405.jpg)
Zen ve get into groooops, and stretch dis way:
(http://i278.photobucket.com/albums/kk92/_beatingheartsbaby/2207455758.jpg)
GOD DEMMIT, not soooo fast. You vil never make good golfer eef you go det queekly.
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As opposed to women who are in that position all the time.
Gemm knows about women.
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evidently you have never practiced the fine side of sex golf, which that bloke has!
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Zen, ve stretch dis way:
(http://i278.photobucket.com/albums/kk92/_beatingheartsbaby/1180712388_5405.jpg)
I've heard the PGA has been mulling over a rule which would require you to putt from that position. This is a great one to practice.
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Hence, the reason the AGA has a restraining order on me.
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Is there a good way to repair a bad natural slice?
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Is there a good way to repair a bad natural slice?
Place a large sheet of wood down the hole from where you are hitting. As you slice the ball normally, its flight path will run straight into the sheet of wood, and your ball will stay on the fairway.
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wow, I never thought of that. I believe my game may now be fixed!
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It requires that at least one member of your group drive a cart, so you can tie the sheet of wood to the roof when you're not hitting.
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Shane, when at the driving range, why is it not acceptable to talk to your friends? People keep glaring at us.
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I'm not entirely sure. The same thing happens to me and my friends, as well.
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How come I suck so much at putt putt?
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I know this one! It is jealousy. Most golfers have no friends.
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How come I suck so much at putt putt?
I refer you back to the advice about being relaxed and drinking. Another option is to not keep score. The most fun I ever had playing miniature golf was when we stopped keeping score after the fourth hole.
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so unbelievably true.
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A couple of tips on how not to use a golf club in the spirit of the game.
Tip 1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jQ7wt-_O6Y&feature=related)
Tip 2 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tc63IpZfe98&feature=related)
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Shane, when will you teach me to become a better lover?
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shane, how do i become a better gopher?
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I work at a golf course. I have license to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Gophers, they're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. But this gopher, it won't die. Dynamite, drugs, drowning, guns. Nothing. No results.
How do I kill this gopher?
And that's all she wrote.
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Mr. Spackler, I'd suggest a shotgun. Or the head of an oversized driver at a rapid velocity.
Cinderella story, 18th hole at Augusta...ISSINNAHOLE!
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Shane, when will you teach me to become a better lover?
That's an entirely different thread. And Tania, I would start by avoiding Mr. Spackler here. He is out to kill gophers.
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Gopher trouble you say?
(http://pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF050-An_End_to_Gopher_Trouble.gif)
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Step three: No matter what Mark Twain said, golf is a sport.
A friend and I had a discussion about this, and we decided that to officially qualify as a sport, there had to be defense. Hence, golf is an athletic activity, not a sport.
We had also been drinking heavily at this time.
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There is defense. You're playing against the course designer.
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A friend and I had a discussion about this, and we decided that to officially qualify as a sport, there had to be defense. Hence, golf is an athletic activity, not a sport.
So any professional of said athletic activity would have to be in good fitness, no?
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/livbarrob/john-daly-golfer.jpg)
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/livbarrob/timherron.jpg)
We had also been drinking heavily at this time.
That would probably explain it.
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So any professional of said athletic activity would have to be in good fitness, no?
(http://www.jrwsolutions.net/_Dylan/images/babe_ruth.jpg)
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Mr. Spackler, I'd suggest a shotgun. Or the head of an oversized driver at a rapid velocity.
I went and tried the gun, but no success. Maybe my gun isn't very good or something? Someone went and loaded a video of me preparing it on youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bv87T1CQF8E). Maybe it was the gopher? Maybe he knew I was preparing to kill him?
Goddamn Varmint Cong.
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So any professional of said athletic activity would have to be in good fitness, no?
(http://www.jrwsolutions.net/_Dylan/images/babe_ruth.jpg)
Is this a retort? If so, it's actually the same point i'm making as baseball is a sport not an athletic activity [defined by DonInKansas, not me] and these players are obviously not athletes. Hence, they do not participate in an athletic activity.
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We had also been drinking heavily at this time.
You were in the right state of mind to golf, and instead you bickered over whether or not it's a sport?
GET OUT OF MY THREAD.
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Hence, they do not participate in an athletic activity.
Baseball is still considered to be (somewhat) of an athletic activity
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If baseball is then so is golf. All you do in both is hit a ball then walk to the next place you have to go [i know in baseball people run but really, its not that much of a strain]. And like you showed, they don't have to be in good fitness like an actual athlete has to. Hence, none are as golf really isn't.
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Hey Shane, I heard some guys talking about using their sandwiches on the course. Can I have prawn mayonnaise, please?
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Shane which golf club is most efficient for beating a man around 6 feet tall to death?
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For me, the most athletic part of baseball was standing out in the field and not dying when it was 95 with high humidity. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. Baseball is one of my favorite things ever.
Hey Shane, I heard some guys talking about using their sandwiches on the course. Can I have prawn mayonnaise, please?
Sure, but that's the sort of thing you'd get from the clubhouse, rather than on course.
Shane which golf club is most efficient for beating a man around 6 feet tall to death?
I would go with a lower iron (7-9) or a wedge. They're light and easy to swing, but can also do some damage.
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If baseball is then so is golf. All you do in both is hit a ball then walk to the next place you have to go [i know in baseball people run but really, its not that much of a strain]. And like you showed, they don't have to be in good fitness like an actual athlete has to. Hence, none are as golf really isn't.
Man, I'm not even going to get into an argument about this. Never ends well
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MOAR QUESTIONS YOU FUCKS.
This is a golf advice thread. Create your own damned Golf v. Baseball thread.
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Dear Shane,
I got kicked off the course for playing every hole like it was a game of billiards, also because my friend got caught fucking the owner's wife. Isn't billiard golfing considered a valid form of playing golf now?
Regards,
Christopher
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I believe you can get away with it at a putt-putt course. Actual golf courses are far too long for this sort of shenanigans (not the wife fucking).
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Dear Shane,
Please explain more types of putt-putt shenanigans.
Best Wishes,
KTBP
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Due to the small-size of putt-putt courses and the care-free nature of the sport, there are many possible shenanigans.
The most obvious is to compete at putt-putt under the influence.
Others include: doing every shot with your eyes closed, playing the entire course left handed, match play strip putt-putt, using your foot instead of a putter, not keeping score (which I mentioned earlier), and yelling "FORE!" after every putt.
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Dear shane,
In the event of mass zombie outbreak on the golf course, which club would be the best to keep, and is picking off zombies at long distance acceptable practise?
Yours gratefully
Robbie
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Dear shane,
In the event of mass zombie outbreak on the golf course, which club would be the best to keep, and is picking off zombies at long distance acceptable practise?
Yours gratefully
Robbie
Once again, either an iron or a wedge is your best bet, due to the ease of swinging.
If you have the accuracy to pick off a zombie, GO FOR IT. Just make sure your bag is stocked with spare golfballs.
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You'd probably want to carry some spare clubs then, since you'll be breakin zombie skulls with 'em
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If you don't carry hybrid irons, you should have six irons and two or three wedges to work with.
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Still, I mean there's probably a legion of zombies to break your clubs on
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Of course, if they get to other golfers first, you can steal THEIR clubs.
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Yeah but you can't really be sure that their corpses will be accessible. It's better to be overprepared than underprepared (are those words?)
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Shane, sadly i would have to disagree with the wedges idea as the ball will likely go too high too cause the real damage from a shot.
Instead, i recommend learning to hit a low drive with a driver as then the ball may even bounce back to you and you can use it again.
overprepared, underprepared (are those words?)
I would use them but apparently not, according to the Oxford English Dictionary.
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I meant using wedges to hit zombies in the head with, Rob.
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Oh, in that case a lob wedge is in fact the club of choice if you are brave enough to get within ~3 arms lengths of the zombies as they are hella sharp when you turn them sideways.
Alternatively, a bladed set of clubs are pretty sharp as is and a 3 iron is long enough to stand further away from the zombies and still cause major damage. [see below for examples]
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/livbarrob/588lob.jpg)
Lob wedge, note the sharp edge.
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/livbarrob/blade.jpg)
Bladed irons, sharp edged again but longer shaft for greater safety when dealing with zombies [more difficult to use for real golf though].
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I find the lob wedge is usually the handiest club in my bag.
Then again I'm great with my wedges, to the point where I'm sometimes drafted into captain and crew tournaments for my short-game prowess.
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Shane,
Is it a fashion faux pas to wear a tennis skirt on the golf course?
xoxo,
Elizabeth
P.S. I'm a girl.
P.P.S. It might not be argyle.
P.P.P.S. How about on the frisbee golf course?
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Oh my god. Chicagocon idea. Frisbee golf in your most ridiculous golf gear! Argyle and flat caps all around!
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Shane,
A cousin of mine has managed to not only hit a drive straight up (and have it hit him on the head), but also slice a ball so bad that it bounced off a tee marker and almost hit everyone in the group. Is there any hope for his game?
Also how much am I allowed to laugh at him about this?
-Jeff
If you don't carry hybrid irons, you should have six irons and two or three wedges to work with.
also unless my math is bad i think you would have eight irons dude
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also unless my math is bad i think you would have eight irons dude
Unless you use a 2-iron (you crazy idiot, why not just take a shovel head instead) you actually should have 7: 3,4,5,6,7,8,9.
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I have eight, because I do, in fact, have a 2-iron. (yeah it is a pretty awful club)
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Kill it, please
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Dear Shane,
What are ther best golf-related double entendres to woo a female golfer?
Kind regards,
-Nick.
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Dear Shane,
What is an unacceptable amount to drink on the golf course if drinking with people with no regard for the consequences of their actions?
Love, Brett.
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What are ther best golf-related double entendres to woo a female golfer?
"I'd like to birdie your hole."
"I'll use my wood on this one."
"I promise you I won't bogey on your course."
"I won't leave any divets on your green." (I... I don't know if this one works.)
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Dear Shane,
What is an unacceptable amount to drink on the golf course if drinking with people with no regard for the consequences of their actions?
Love, Brett.
I think you know the answer.
Liz, wouldn't it be more accurate to say "I won't birdie on your course"? 'Cause see, bogey is one shot above par, meaning you finished later then you were expected to. If you birdie, you're finishing early.
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Shane,
Is it a fashion faux pas to wear a tennis skirt on the golf course?
I guess some of the professional female golfers wear skirts. I don't see a problem with it.
Oh my god. Chicagocon idea. Frisbee golf in your most ridiculous golf gear! Argyle and flat caps all around!
What the fuck is ridiculous about a flat cap? I'd wear mine on a daily basis if I hadn't left it at Jon's during Bostoncon.
Shane,
A cousin of mine has managed to not only hit a drive straight up (and have it hit him on the head), but also slice a ball so bad that it bounced off a tee marker and almost hit everyone in the group. Is there any hope for his game?
Also how much am I allowed to laugh at him about this?
-Jeff
I've done the latter. Judging by my group's reaction, you can mock him for the next three holes.
Dear Shane,
What are ther best golf-related double entendres to woo a female golfer?
Kind regards,
-Nick.
I think Liz covered this. See Jon's thread for relationship advice.
Dear Shane,
What is an unacceptable amount to drink on the golf course if drinking with people with no regard for the consequences of their actions?
Love, Brett.
As long as you don't flip the golf cart, Brett. Drink as much as you want.
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I'm going to drive straight up your green baby.
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Or, if you are a woman: "I keep my green trimmed. Want to inspect it?"
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I'd launch something white in one of your 18 holes.
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Actually it's really launching near the holes, not in them
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You know, in actual golf, it's better my way. Otherwise, you're spot on.
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Can I mulligan your... vagina?
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A mulligan is a do-over.
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Shane, what is the best way to golf?
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With a group of friends, not taking anything seriously. Just go have fun and have a few drinks during your round. Then retire to the clubhouse for some tasty foods and more drinks.
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A mulligan is a do-over.
So which is the one where you land the ball so close to the hole you don't have to hit it and just get to drop it in?
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Shane, what is the best way to golf?
this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvbNi8xbg4U&NR=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvbNi8xbg4U&NR=1)
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A mulligan is a do-over.
So which is the one where you land the ball so close to the hole you don't have to hit it and just get to drop it in?
That would be a gimme
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I'd like to fuck you on a golf course
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Ewwwwwwww perv
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What the fuck David that was uncalled for