Jeph Jacques's comics discussion forums

Fun Stuff => CHATTER => Topic started by: Yayniall on 15 Jun 2009, 06:33

Title: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Yayniall on 15 Jun 2009, 06:33
Hey guys you know that film Bedazzled where Liz Hurley (Peter Cook) gives Brendan Fraser (Dudley Moore) wishes but then when they're granted they're not quite right? The game is to take somebody else's wish and ruin it in truly devilish fashion.

So for starters; I wish for eternal youth.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tyler on 15 Jun 2009, 06:42
You are eternally a premature baby requiring a feeding tube.

You are permanently a 6 year old boy under the care of a firm  NAMBLA advocate.

Girls still won't want to date you for the next millenia.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: pen on 15 Jun 2009, 06:47
I think what he's looking for is a chain.. Ruin someone's wish and then wish for something.

I wish I had a million dollars.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Yayniall on 15 Jun 2009, 06:50
I think what he's looking for is a chain.. Ruin someone's wish and then wish for something.

I wish I had a million dollars.

Zimbabwean dollars

I wish I was married to Liz Hurley.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Jace on 15 Jun 2009, 07:01
You are married to Liz Hurley. (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0403435/)

I wish I was the best painter.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Will on 15 Jun 2009, 07:08
You are Van Gogh; cursed to a life of craziness, STD's, and the sad realization that no one on earth will give a shit about your art until you are dead.

I wish I was a little bit taller.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Reed on 15 Jun 2009, 07:09
Unaccustomed to your height, you hit your head on everything.

I wish I was a baller.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Jace on 15 Jun 2009, 07:23
You get caught ridin' dirty.

I wish I was very attractive.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: snalin on 15 Jun 2009, 07:25
You are the prettiest person in the world, and live in South Africa. Your life consists of fifteen rapes a day and rice for food.

I wish I had a girlfriend that I love.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Cartilage Head on 15 Jun 2009, 07:28
 She doesn't love you back.

 I wish I could fly.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: axerton on 15 Jun 2009, 07:48
You asked for the ability to fly, not to be able to control your flying, as soon as your wish is granted you begin to defy gravity, flying higher and higher, unable to stop until the air is too thin to breath.

I wish for the ability to freeze and unfreeze time at will.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Jace on 15 Jun 2009, 07:56
Will is never around.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Will on 15 Jun 2009, 08:03
WTF you talkin' 'bout? I'm right here!

Unaccustomed to your height, you hit your head on everything.

I wish I was a baller.

THANK YOU! I was hoping someone else would keep running with that!

Hmmm...time to get this thread moving again.

I wish I was a roadie for Iggy Pop
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Reed on 15 Jun 2009, 08:16
I was actually really disappointed that it didn't keep going.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: est on 15 Jun 2009, 08:19
I wish I was a roadie for Iggy Pop

During setup for your first show Police raid the gig and find 2kgs of heroin in the crate you're carrying.  You go to jail, directly to jail. You do not pass go, and also you get prison raped.

I wish I had a coffee machine that made delicious coffees.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: allison on 15 Jun 2009, 08:24
It only takes $10 bills and does not give change

I wish I was a famous movie director
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Reed on 15 Jun 2009, 08:27
As a result of hanging out with movie stars you develop a nasty coke habit. During one particularly nasty binge you plow your brand new bentley into a school bus.

I wish I was powerful.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: allison on 15 Jun 2009, 08:36
You destroy everything and everyone you touch.

I wish I had a sandwich right now.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Dazed on 15 Jun 2009, 08:43
You have a sandwich. It is all you have. You find yourself naked with no home, possessions, family, friends, or memories, in Northern Siberia.

I wish my slippers were fuzzier and softer.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: pen on 15 Jun 2009, 09:09
Your slippers are fuzzier and softer because they're made of puppies.  Your feet are in their warm bloody bellies. 

I wish I had a new job.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Will on 15 Jun 2009, 09:10
Your new job is as a chicken sexer.

I wish I had my own personal traincar.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: pen on 15 Jun 2009, 09:15
You have a traincar, but it has no engine and no tracks on which to run.

I wish the TV Series True Blood was on basic cable so I could watch it.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Reed on 15 Jun 2009, 09:16
True Blood premiers on basic cable and after one episode you wish it went back to HBO

I wish Big Love was on basic cable
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tyler on 15 Jun 2009, 09:19
Big Love leads to a surge of Mormonism and patriarchy, resulting in a new state religion, and the girl you love being married off to a cultlike local church leader.


I wish it would be sunny in Seattle the length of my vacation.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Jace on 15 Jun 2009, 09:23
You end up in Seattle, Arizona after a controversial deal to trade cities for better weather, the weather didn't change, but the deal still went through.

I wish I was in a successful band.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Thomas Edison on 15 Jun 2009, 10:00
You're turned into a whaleshark.

I wish I was Samuel L. Jackson.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: öde on 15 Jun 2009, 10:05
A wizard has turned you into a whaleshark. Is this awesome? [Y/N]
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Yayniall on 15 Jun 2009, 10:27
Your conciousness is absorbed into Samuel L. Jackson's. You have no control over his thoughts or actions and can only see the view from his belly button.

I wish for an end to world hunger.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Reed on 15 Jun 2009, 10:29
World hunger ends as a zombie plague sweeps across the planet. Your brains become a delicious meal.

I wish I was more motivated.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Will on 15 Jun 2009, 10:30
Your newfound motivation intrigues the US Military Industrial Complex, who coerce you into working on a new superweapon in their labs.

I wish I was a recluse on an island somewhere.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: allison on 15 Jun 2009, 10:50
The island is Bylot Island, the largest uninhabited island in the world. You freeze to death.

I wish I was not at work.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Will on 15 Jun 2009, 10:55
I thought the same thing, Sam. I was ready to bust out my denim jacket and Bedazzle that shit!

I now wish this thread was about that Bedazzler.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Dazed on 15 Jun 2009, 10:56
The island is Bylot Island, the largest uninhabited island in the world. You freeze to death.

I wish I was not at work.

You lose all of your limbs in a bobsledding accident and are unable to work again forever.

I wish my preferred pizza place was less expensive.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: chowburger on 15 Jun 2009, 10:58
It costs less after the discovery of various infestations in the kitchen.

I wish I could read books incredibly quickly.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Will on 15 Jun 2009, 10:59
Damnit, chowburger, you beat me. I'm posting anyway!



I wish my preferred pizza place was less expensive.
Your pizza place outsources all labor and materials to cut costs, resulting in cheaper pizza. Also resulting in loss of jobs for people in your town, plus with the lack of focus on food quality, you get food poisoning and spiders.

I wish I had a denim jacket with Bedazzled rhinestones spelling out the words "Rock and Roll" on the back.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 15 Jun 2009, 11:10
You read books so quickly that the pages burst into flames and your house is incinerated, leaving you with second-degree burns to 80% of your body.

I wish I lived nearer the seaside.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: calenlass on 15 Jun 2009, 11:12
I wish I had a denim jacket with Bedazzled rhinestones spelling out the words "Rock and Roll" on the back.

You have one, but everyone else covets. You are murdered in the ensuing mayhem. You no longer have the jacket.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Jace on 15 Jun 2009, 11:13
You live nearer to the seaside, everything is very peaceful during the week, but on the weekends the small town is infested with Fratboys having parties on boats and they constantly sing I'm On a Boat, while very drunk.

I wish I didn't like that Attack Attack song.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Reed on 15 Jun 2009, 11:18
Your dislike of Attack Attack results in a violent assault by a posse of their fans. They break your legs in such a way that your only method of locomotion is the crab walk.

I wish there was a good restaurant within a convenient distance of my workplace.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: imapiratearg on 15 Jun 2009, 11:23
An Olive Garden opens up nearby.  However, it is so busy you have to wait in line for at least an hour or take a ticket to eat there.  It is incredibly inconvenient.

I wish the fly buzzing around in here would get out.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: MrBlu on 15 Jun 2009, 13:27
WTF you talkin' 'bout? I'm right here!

Unaccustomed to your height, you hit your head on everything.

I wish I was a baller.

THANK YOU! I was hoping someone else would keep running with that!

Hmmm...time to get this thread moving again.

I wish I was a roadie for Iggy Pop
THEY RUINED IT!!!

The fly gets out and brings its friends.

I wish my creepy ass helper would get out of my bedroom.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Cartilage Head on 15 Jun 2009, 14:31
 He will wait for you in the bathroom.

 I wish that I had a harem of sexy ladies.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Christophe on 15 Jun 2009, 14:54
None of them will have anything to do with your dick.

I wish I was an Oscar-Meyer Weiner.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: scarred on 15 Jun 2009, 15:00
I just ate you.

I wish there was a little less poverty in the world.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: imapiratearg on 15 Jun 2009, 15:09
A deadly, unstoppable virus destroys a massive part of the population of Earth.  What little land left untainted is used to feed the survivors, of which there are few.

I could have another sandwich without having to make one myself.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: JD on 15 Jun 2009, 15:16
A hobo gives you a roadkill sandwich.

I wish for a kitten.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Christophe on 15 Jun 2009, 15:43
Everyone in your friends and family loves your kitten more than you.

I wish I had a solid-gold toilet and a unicorn.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Cernunnos on 15 Jun 2009, 15:45
the unicorn is stuck in the toilet

EDIT:  I wish for the ability to teleport.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Dazed on 15 Jun 2009, 15:56
You cannot control where you end up, and are now engulfed in magma.

I wish the Sox were playing tonight, I am bored.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Lines on 15 Jun 2009, 16:43
The Sox are playing hopscotch and you are more bored than ever.

I wish I had better skin.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Thomas Edison on 15 Jun 2009, 16:49
You're skin is now so awesome, it's become sentient and decided to leave your body, as your muscles and organs and such are just keeping your blob of skin from fufilling it's full potential. Whilst you sleep, it tears itself from you, leaving you to bleed slowly to death as it persues a business degree at Havard. Several years later it brings an end to the world's economic problems, but you get no credit at all for it being your skin. It's is now Jose Chuck Abdul Flakyflesh.


I wish I could sleep.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: JD on 15 Jun 2009, 16:53
You fall to sleep, but you wake up a thousand years into the future.In said future, Attack Attack! are revered as gods.

I wish the wii had better games.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: est on 15 Jun 2009, 18:01
Nintendo releases a slew of as yet un-mentioned games that are all jaw-droppingly awesome.  However, they are Japanese-only, region-locked and require a $500 add-on to enable the Wii to play them.

I wish my car wasn't so broken, or that I would somehow magically win a brand new car.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Lines on 15 Jun 2009, 18:05
You magically win a Hot Wheels car. It is an electric blue Mustang, but alas, it is smaller than your palm.

I wish I had more chicken.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 15 Jun 2009, 18:09
You have unlimited amounts of chicken - live chicken, constantly being dropped from helicopters to bombard your house. Chickens are flying through your windows, breaking down your doors, coming up through your toilet and overrunning your life.

I wish I was a pretty, pretty fairy.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: est on 15 Jun 2009, 18:13
You are a pretty pretty fairy.  You fall in love with a real-sized man, who returns your love in kind.  Alas your magic does not extend to resizing either yourself or him, so you live your life knowing you have found your soulmate yet cannot consummate your love.

I wish I had some sort of superpower.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 15 Jun 2009, 18:27
Your superpower is that you can shoot sunscreen out of your eyes.

I wish I had a job.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Christophe on 15 Jun 2009, 18:35
You receive a handjob. I mean, it's a pretty decent one but it doesn't get you paid.

I wish I was internet famous.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: JD on 15 Jun 2009, 18:41
You get so internet famous people write fan fictions about you.

I wish I had awesome guitar playing skillz.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Elizzybeth on 15 Jun 2009, 18:46
(While you were typing...)  I'm going to post it anyway.

I wish I was internet famous.

You are internet famous for your bodice-ripping Twilight fan fiction.  Your biggest fan becomes your biggest stalker, and she's pretty so it would be okay, except that her idea of a good time is chaining you in her rat-filled basement to feed you on bread, water, and Viagra.  This gets old within the first twenty-four hours, but she doesn't release you for twenty-four years.

Zombiedude, you become unbelievably talented at playing the guitar, but you get no pleasure out of playing whatsoever.  People are constantly encouraging you to play, but you are miserable and the record deal you get only serves to remind that you'll never manage to get away from this.

I wish I had a pet rabbit.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Dazed on 15 Jun 2009, 18:55
Your pet rabbit has big sharp pointy teeth and has a habit of decapitating all who approach it.

I wish all my stuff was magically packed up for me, and moved to my new house.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: MrBlu on 15 Jun 2009, 18:59
He will wait for you in the bathroom.
She.

They gets broken on the way (too easy).

I wish Sondre Lerche would come and sing for me.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: plumbob78 on 15 Jun 2009, 19:14
Sondra Lerche comes and sings "The Song That Never Ends," until she dies.

I wish I had a waffle.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 15 Jun 2009, 19:19
Your delicious waffles give you cancer of the toe, thus making you lose all of your toes on each foot. This makes you off-balance, and you spend the rest of your days teetering unsteadily outside of Denny's, warning people to beware of the waffles therein.

I wish I wasn't crazy.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: nobo on 15 Jun 2009, 19:53
You aren't crazy, but everyone else is.

I wish I could grow an afro
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: axerton on 15 Jun 2009, 20:10
you grow an rainbow coloured clown afro that resists all atempts to dye it any other colour.

I wish to pass all my subjects at uni this semester
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: JD on 15 Jun 2009, 20:20
This is who you turn into nobo

(http://thisisphotobomb.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/rainbowman1.jpg)
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 15 Jun 2009, 21:09
you grow an rainbow coloured clown afro that resists all atempts to dye it any other colour.

I wish to pass all my subjects at uni this semester

You only pass due to your many sexual favours with the professors and mascot.

I wish I had an incorruptible wish.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Dazed on 15 Jun 2009, 21:16
You have an uncorruptible wish, but nobody can make it come true.

I wish Michael Bay were dead.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: DarkAvenger on 15 Jun 2009, 21:24
Michael Bay dies, but Uwe Boll takes up the mantle of Transformers.

I wish Brendan Fraiser would stop making awful movies.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 15 Jun 2009, 21:44
I fairly enjoyed Bedazzled. :|

Instead, YOU have to star in the movies in his place.

I wish my roommate didn't have such shitty taste in music.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: scarred on 15 Jun 2009, 21:48
Since taste in music is subjective, your roommate's taste in music becomes your own. You both listen to Attack Attack! together, crabwalking forever.

I wish that there were bike lanes on every road!
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 15 Jun 2009, 21:52
For the past three days he has been blaring Linkin Park and nothing else. I want to murder him.

The bike lanes start breeding with each other, eventually overtaking the amount of roads. Traffic is driven down to a complete standstill. Trucks can no longer reach their destinations. Drivers eventually start lobbying for roads on the bike paths.

Ugh, wish. Um.

I wish all my vinyl was in mint condition and that I had a top-of-the-line audio system with limitless power supply.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: DarkAvenger on 15 Jun 2009, 22:25
I fairly enjoyed Bedazzled. :|

Oh I did too, I meant other things like Dudley Do-Right, The Mummy (the first was good), and even that cameo in Dickie Roberts.

Your top of the line audio system just can't seem to play mint. You instead choose to chew on you collection to give you better breath.

I wish my cat wouldn't jump on my face while I am trying to sleep.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Cartilage Head on 16 Jun 2009, 00:16
Jumps on your dick/balls/cooter instead.

I wish I could play any videogame I want right now.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: MrBlu on 16 Jun 2009, 02:30
Sondra Lerche comes and sings "The Song That Never Ends," until she dies.

I wish I had a waffle.
BTW Sondre Lerche is male.

You now suck at videogames.

I wish there were no more mosquitoes.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Thomas Edison on 16 Jun 2009, 03:16
There are no more mosquitos.

Instead, they've been replaced by flying tigers.

Hungry
flying tigers.


I wish I didn't have college today, as I do not want to do my exam.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tom on 16 Jun 2009, 03:58
You have to attend the funeral of someone you love that day instead.

I wish I was a more clever person.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: McTaggart on 16 Jun 2009, 04:41
You are so clever you know how people truly are. Enter crushing depression.

I wish I could find that library book I've gone and lost so I could return it and dodge the inevitable replacement fee (for a book I doubt anyone else has looked at in years).
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: snalin on 16 Jun 2009, 06:02
You find it when you reach for something else. It's covered in elephant cum.

I wish I could growl.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Caspian on 16 Jun 2009, 06:23
Your brilliant growling skills are noticed by musicians who iforce you to join their Opeth tribute band (harsh, I know)

I wish for unlimited wishes
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: allison on 16 Jun 2009, 06:29
You can only wish for bags of paperclips with your unlimited wishes.

I wish I could win the lottery.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: snalin on 16 Jun 2009, 06:45
you win the bondage-rape lottery.

I wish for wild sex with the hottest lady.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: pen on 16 Jun 2009, 06:48
She is actually on fire and you burn your skin off.

I wish my tea were warmer.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Jace on 16 Jun 2009, 06:53
your tea is warmer because someone peed in it.

I wish this cut would heal.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Caspian on 16 Jun 2009, 07:05
The cut heals. You feel regret throughout the rest of your life for wasting your one wish on something so lame.

I wish Jeph would speed up the pacing on QC.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Reed on 16 Jun 2009, 07:08
You don't have to write an essay. You're fired.

I wish I wasn't so tired.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: HellStorm on 16 Jun 2009, 08:24
You are awake for all eternity, and are chased by Twilight fangirls for being a vampire.

I wish I had more clean socks.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: öde on 16 Jun 2009, 08:31
You have plenty of clean socks, but upon discovering your latent homosexuality you are unable to wear them.

I wish I was outside doing something awesome.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: McTaggart on 16 Jun 2009, 08:55
You're fighting like six bears on a small rocky outcrop on the edge of the tallest waterfall. You're gonna die.

I wish this headache would go away.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: JD on 16 Jun 2009, 11:39
You have plenty of clean socks, but upon discovering your latent homosexuality you are unable to wear them.
Gay people don't wear socks? What?

McTaggart's wish:

You get decapitated. Good news is that your headache is gone

I wish for world peace.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: allison on 16 Jun 2009, 11:50
The world is so peaceful that everyone becomes completely complacent and dies, a la the planet Miranda on Firefly.

I wish I could know what happens to me after I die.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Will on 16 Jun 2009, 12:20
The knowledge is so overwhelming that you lose all motivation in this life, wasting away all your potential and living truly unfulfilled in life.

I wish I would have paid attention to the fact that ISIS was playing a show 3 hours away from me, and actually gone, damnit!
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Christophe on 16 Jun 2009, 12:34
You go to the show, but after being rocked so hard you develop tinnitus that affects you for the rest of your short life, when you jab icepicks into your ears to stop the noises.

I wish I had money for studying abroad.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Thomas Edison on 16 Jun 2009, 12:36
You get the money, but the FBI get suspcious and kill you in the face instead.

I wish I wasn't so drunk right now.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: imapiratearg on 16 Jun 2009, 12:40
You get drunk.  Your IMAGINATION bar fills, but your VIM bar empties.

I wish for a new car.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Christophe on 16 Jun 2009, 12:43
The car of your dreams is brought to you by helicopter, but the winch breaks as it flies over your house, killing you instantly.

I wish I could see through time and space.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Will on 16 Jun 2009, 12:45
You see through the whole way to the center of the universe - not the romantic cliche that lovers use to describe each other, or parents use when describing their children, but the actual, specific, precise center of the universe.

It is Attack Attack!

I wish I could get over my current writer's block.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tom on 17 Jun 2009, 00:59
You do, but you can never stop writing ever and whatever it is you write is totally lame.

I wish that I knew everything for my HSC subjects and could communicate them effectively in writing during their respective exams.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Thomas Edison on 17 Jun 2009, 03:25
You can, but your face explodes.


I wish I was a racecar driver.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tom on 17 Jun 2009, 03:43
You live a rich and fulfilling life of victory on and off the track, everybody knows you and wants you without ever loving you. You live fast but die old at the age of 90 in a 5-motorized wheelchair pile up, your passing goes unmourned.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: pwhodges on 17 Jun 2009, 03:46
You wish for nothing - and you get it and starve to death...

I wish aging wasn't so depressing at times.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: snalin on 17 Jun 2009, 04:44
Aging feels awesome. That's because you've become senile, and don't remember anything. In fact, you don't even remember that you have to take off your pants to shit. You shit in your house covered in your own feces, and go to the shop to buy bread fifteen times a day. Finally your children find out and send you to an institution. You live your final days drugged down in a corner; the medical budget has been cut again.

I wish George would get his ass around and finish his Song of Ice and Fire.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: the_pied_piper on 17 Jun 2009, 09:18
He rushes the completion of the series and disappoints millions of fans leading to his suicide and the depression of said fans.



I wish i could afford to go on holiday.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Reed on 17 Jun 2009, 09:39
You go on holiday to the mountains of Columbia. You are abducted by the cartels and forced to become a mule, smuggling thousands of dollars of cocaine up into America in your colon.

I wish I had perfect health
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Christophe on 17 Jun 2009, 09:47
You get perfect health as the rest of the world, including your friends and family, start to die of a terrible, unknown disease. Pretty soon, you are the last man standing on Earth, perfectly healthy. You go to the library, with so much time on your hands now, when your glasses fall to the ground and break...

I wish for more wishes.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: the_pied_piper on 17 Jun 2009, 10:16
You get infinite wishes but all other people are informed of this wish and become jealous. To stem this envy you offer to complete all of the people's wishes but eventually grow tired of doing so. When you deny the first person assistance they form an angry mob and you are found the next day face down in the bathtub with the words 'I wish for your wishes' daubed on the wall in blood.



I wish that i had finished my degree.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Yayniall on 17 Jun 2009, 15:22
You finished your degree but failed so badly that you decided to live amongst wolves rather than face the world, the wolves reject you and eat you.

I wish Kurt Cobain was still alive.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: JD on 17 Jun 2009, 15:27
Kurt Cobain has been brought back to life. He starts writing music again and his new album is called Unngggghhhh Ragghhh.

I wish I had a kitchen filled with unlimited food(and appliances to cook it with!)
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: pen on 17 Jun 2009, 16:29
You have unlimited food, but it's all soybeans. 

I wish I didn't get sunburned.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Thomas Edison on 17 Jun 2009, 16:50
You will never get sunburnt again!


Because the sun has suddenly vanished, meaning life as we know it ceasts to exist!



I wish I was more artistic.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Jace on 17 Jun 2009, 17:10
You are Jackson Pollock. But with shit and blood.

I wish I had fishsticks.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: nobo on 17 Jun 2009, 17:28
you have fish sticks that grow on your fish tree, which smells like ass. as a result your neighbors feed you your own kidneys in protest.

I wish Freddy Kreuger was real.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Reed on 17 Jun 2009, 17:32
Freddy Kreuger is real. Instead of giving you nightmares, he gives you dreams where he makes sweet, tender love to you.


I wish I wasn't smelling so much cat pee.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Jace on 17 Jun 2009, 17:44
Instead of cat pee, it is chloroform. You are later raped.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Liz on 17 Jun 2009, 20:33
I wish Jace knew how this thread worked.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Reed on 17 Jun 2009, 20:54
Jace learns the intricate rules of this thread. Not only does he respond to everyone else's wishes, but his own as well.


I wish I had the fly killing skillz of Obama
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Jace on 17 Jun 2009, 23:23
I wish Jace knew how this thread worked.

I didn't have any more wishes, everything I ever wanted came true before that post.


You have the fly killing skills of Obama, unfortunately for you, you do not have the secret service to protect you from the crazy right wing extremists, with your last breath, you curse the people shouting that you are a muslin.

I wish War of the Ring wasn't such a terrible game.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tom on 18 Jun 2009, 00:19
The 'greatness' of the game is subjective, you become a mindless super-LotR-fan-dweb who finds total and complete enjoyment in any and all LotR merchandise.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Aimless on 18 Jun 2009, 00:42
I wish for Tom to make a wish in the spirit of the game.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: snalin on 18 Jun 2009, 06:49
His wish is your death. The next poster don't get the game, and murders you.

I wish to die, horribly and painfully.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: David_Dovey on 18 Jun 2009, 06:54
There is a Hell and because you committed suicide you are transformed into a thorny bush which is torn at by Harpies, for all eternity.

I wish I had lots of pretty clothing
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 18 Jun 2009, 09:49
Your clothes are beautiful, by Liberace standards.

I wish I didn't have a scratchy throat.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: allison on 18 Jun 2009, 11:25
You don't have a throat at all. You are dead.

I wish I could graduate tomorrow.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: ledhendrix on 18 Jun 2009, 11:31
Graduation day does come tomorrow. Unfortunately you have spent the last few years in a coma and it doesn't look like your coming out any time soon.

I wish I had some cannabis.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Reed on 18 Jun 2009, 11:33
You get cannabis, but it turns out to be laced with PCP. You decide that you are invincible, climb the tallest building around you, and jump off.

I wish I had enough data to publish a paper.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: benji on 18 Jun 2009, 11:44
You suddenly find all the date you need to publish. You find it in a leading science journal in the article just published by your rival who hates you, seeks to destroy you, and is calling to gloat that he published first.

I wish I were on vacation with my partner instead of at work.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Aimless on 18 Jun 2009, 11:45
You wake up tomorrow to find a ton of data on your computer which you use to write and publish a spectacular paper. The data turns out to be completely fabricated and you end up losing all your professional and academic credibility, and, in extension, the respect and friendship of your peers.

You die many years later, a bitter man who never regained the ability to love. On your tombstone, the following poem:

Paper was written
sure, all the data was forged
but his wish came true.

I wish it would be sunny :(


EDIT: Scooped!

You magically get to go on a last minute vacation with your partner to the Bahamas. While you chill on the beach your partner hooks up with some dude called Dexter, and decides to leave you for Dexter's big swinging penis. You come home to find out there'd been some sort of clerical error and you were, in fact, not on vacation... you were fired.

I still wish it would be sunny.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Ballard on 18 Jun 2009, 13:30
It is beautiful and sunny. Your mother just died of a rare cancer.

I wish that my paycheck came today so I could have money for pre-game drinks tonight but it comes tomorrow fffff.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Yayniall on 18 Jun 2009, 13:51
You take out a payday loan from a notorious loan shark, the interest is 8000% percent. You can't pay him back, he makes you suck his dick, because he's a loan shark.

I wish it was 2004 again.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Aimless on 18 Jun 2009, 14:02
It's 2004 again. You can't help but notice that it's not as good as you remembered (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2004). You find little solace in your knowledge that 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009 are going to be pretty rubbish too.

I wish I could SING.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Ballard on 18 Jun 2009, 14:16
You can sing beautifully and suddenly find yourself with a four octave range. Unfortunately, in a freak accident, the only musical accompaniment that remains available on planet earth is Microsoft Songsmith.

I wish that the weather forecast for the next week (as well as the last three) wasn't straight thunderstorms.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Christophe on 18 Jun 2009, 16:36
The next week's weather forecast is not straight thunderstorms. Instead, you get three straight weeks of HELLFIRE.

I wish for to eat a good grilled cheese sandwich with bacon. I want the entire sandwich to not affect my health negatively, I don't want any part of it to be cursed, I don't want to die immediately after eating it, I don't the pig the bacon was cut from nor the cow the cheese was milked from to suffer, I don't want any of my friends or family to die as a result of the making or eating of the grilled cheese sandwich with bacon, I don't want an anvil to fall on my head just as I take the first bite, and there had better be some fucking crust on the thing. I am not twelve and the sight of crust on my grilled cheese sandwich will not cause the fall of Western Civilization.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: nobo on 18 Jun 2009, 17:13
the anvil falls and misses your head as you take your first bite, unfortunately, it crushes your nutsack

I wish there was a cure for cancer that was cheap and available to all human beings
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: pen on 18 Jun 2009, 17:17
There is!  The problem with it is that it causes AIDS.

I wish there were nice, cheap apartments to be found in Cambridge in an area that I won't be likely to get mugged/raped.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 18 Jun 2009, 18:11
There are plenty. Unfortunately, they're in Cambridge, England.

I wish someone would bring me breakfast.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 18 Jun 2009, 21:16
A young lady in a racy maid outfit brings you breakfast. Said young lady is your first cousin. Your nine year old cousin. Awkwardness ensues and you lose your appetite.

I wish I was eating a chick-fil-a sandwhich and that nothing even remotely bad would come of this wish.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: phooey on 18 Jun 2009, 21:40
Nothing remotely bad comes of your interaction with this delicious chick-fil-a concoction.  Unfortunately, nothing remotely good comes of it either.  The whole experience is an exercise in wishy washy mediocre unfeeling.  The sandwich turns into an unremarkable paste in your mouth, but you don't mark it.  The crippling ennui which eventually leads you to alienate all you love and take your own life has already taken root within your helpless psyche.  Though this sounds pretty awful, it's not even remotely bad by your own point of view; it's just remote.

Wish I had better quality clothing QQ
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 18 Jun 2009, 21:53
You have an entire new wardrobe of better quality clothing. Unfortunately it is all twelve sizes too big. You feel it would be a waste not to wear them, so you balloon up a couple hundred pounds. You die of a heart attack at age 42, miserable and lonely because of your grotesque lifestyle.

I wish I had nicer abs.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: phooey on 18 Jun 2009, 21:56
Well, you do!  I've just fitted you up with a great, shiny, new Antilock Braking System.  Clear skies ahead, sir!

I hope my mother, father, brother and dog all have safe, happy, and spiritually fulfilling lives.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 18 Jun 2009, 21:58
They do, despite your sudden and shocking demise at a very young age. Hell, it's almostbecause you died. It's like A Wonderful Life, except everyone is better off without you.

I wish I had telekinesis.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: the_pied_piper on 18 Jun 2009, 22:03
You have telekinesis but it is completely uncontrollable and you accidentally use it to detonate all nuclear weapons on the earth. Everyone is now dead.


I wish i could sleep more.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 18 Jun 2009, 22:20
You fall into a coma and your family eventually pulls the plug... after 1 week.

I wish I could see into the water when fishing so so I knew where all the fish were!
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 18 Jun 2009, 22:25
You can see into the water because you have fallen into the lake. You scare off all the fish, lose your pants and hit your head on the boat on your way down, knocking yourself unconscious. You drown with your bare ass floating to the surface once you've reached bloat.

I wish I wasn't so bored.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 18 Jun 2009, 22:35
Past relationships show up with children that are yours and the state throws you in prison as you can not pay child support.  Bubba keeps you pretty busy.

I wish I could dance and sing!
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 18 Jun 2009, 22:51
You can both dance and sing, you just happen to do both incredibly poorly by most societal standards. No one ever wants to be seen with you, you become a social pariah and you turn to booze for comfort.

I wish I had some tasty strawberry fruit rollups.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Aimless on 19 Jun 2009, 01:44
You get some tasty strawberry fruit rollups. You realise you can't make yourself eat them, after having read this entire thread. They lie in your cupboard taunting you to the day you move into the nursing-home.

I wish I could play guitar like Mark Knopfler :(
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tom on 19 Jun 2009, 01:48
Not only can you play like Mike Knopfler butyou can only play like him, you are doomed to be forever a tribute act. Something that is entirely useless whilest the members of Dire Straits are still alive and playing.

I wish my body didn't absorb mercury.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 19 Jun 2009, 06:08
Your body no longer absorbs anything. Sucks for you, now you're gonna die of malnutrition.

I wish I didn't have to actually do anything in order to be clean. Too lazy to shower right now.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: snalin on 19 Jun 2009, 06:57
An ex comes by and rips your penis of. You are now forever clean, as in "not-sinful".

I wish for caramels and camels and cola-cubicles.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: David_Dovey on 19 Jun 2009, 07:38
You find yourself trapped inside of a gigantic cola cubicle with a caramel camel just out of reach. It is excruciating.

Wish there was something real
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 19 Jun 2009, 08:03
Everything is real. Real SHITTY. (I'm sorry I got nothing)

I wish I didn't have to leave the house today
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Christophe on 19 Jun 2009, 09:06
You don't, because all the doors are locked and all the reflective surfaces in the house will be projecting Twilight for the rest of the day. Enjoy your day!

I wish I could punch people through the internet and not be punched back.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Cartilage Head on 19 Jun 2009, 09:42
You are kicked, stabbed, and shot back instead.

 I wish I had some delicious food.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: benji on 19 Jun 2009, 10:28
You are given the most exquisitely delicious food in the world, mixed in a giant bucket with the most vial, putrid, barely edible filth imaginable. The occasional tasty bit only serves to make the whole concoction all the more disgusting in comparison. You are forced to eat it all.

I wish I had another couple of weeks to work on this project.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: HellStorm on 19 Jun 2009, 13:50
You have another couple of weeks to work on the project. The project becomes your life, and you spend every minute of every day working on it. You die from malnutrition.

I wish I could have a tidy room without me having to tidy it.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: MarkTBSc on 19 Jun 2009, 14:03
Criminals break into your home and steal everything you own, down to the carpets, leaving the place empty and spotless.

I wish I didn't have to worry about money ever again.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: axerton on 19 Jun 2009, 15:07
the zombie apocolypse comes, you never have to worry about money again because the world has collapsed.

I wish my computer would work properly
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: benji on 19 Jun 2009, 15:14
Your computer is secretly part of the machine conspiracy to take over the world that has been malfunctioning all these years. "Working properly" means that it takes it's rightful place as the leader of the great machine revolt and you're the first against the wall.

I wish my air conditioner actually made it about 10 degrees cooler in here.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tom on 19 Jun 2009, 16:01
Air conditioner makes the ambient temperature of your room 10 degrees cooler but only momentarily as it soon starts to plummet towards absolute zero, causing untold damage as the thermal and pressure equilibrium try to balance each other.

I wish I didn't have a predisposition towards alcoholism.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Dazed on 19 Jun 2009, 16:26
Instead you have a predisposition towards Heroin abuse. Never quite enough to cause a fatal overdose, but just enough to keep you hopelessly addicted, a drain on your friends and family, and alive in constant misery with nothing to look forward to but the all-too-brief respite of your next fix.

I wish I had a decent 9-iron.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 19 Jun 2009, 18:21
You have one. That is the only thing you have that isn't a complete piece of shit.

I wish I had every single piece of musical equipment I have ever wanted in my entire life.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: wafflecone on 19 Jun 2009, 18:26
You have them, sure, only they're all broken.

I wish it was warm & sunny out today.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 19 Jun 2009, 18:30
It is warm because you're standing outside your burning house at midday (so it's sunny!) during the longest, most severe heat wave and drought your vicinity has ever seen.

I wish I still had self-respect.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tom on 19 Jun 2009, 19:10
You do, but you're only going to lose it again anyway.

I wish to be loved.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: David_Dovey on 19 Jun 2009, 19:47
You are loved. By a rabid wolverine.

I want a pony! Buy me a pony!
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tom on 19 Jun 2009, 20:20
Oh hey I bought you a pony, it has rabies!

I wish I had a perfect smile.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 19 Jun 2009, 20:39
You sure got a purty mouth, he says, moments before the forced oral sex.

I wish beef jerky wasn't so damn expensive.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: phooey on 19 Jun 2009, 20:55
Once you decide to consider the expense of other things in the world, Beef Jerky (nee Trucker's Delight) is fukken peanuts.

Wish I didn't have a sore throat.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 19 Jun 2009, 21:01
I'd be happy if my beef jerky fucked peanuts. We could have some serious money coming in from the hybrid off-spring.

Your sore throat is cured by Michael Jackson crawling into your bed and kissing you better.

I wish I didn't get stage-shy every time I go to sing in front of people.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Yayniall on 19 Jun 2009, 21:09
You're cured entirely of your stage shyness, but you lose all actual talent, also you forget to wear pants everytime you preform.


I wish all stone was limestone.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Finin on 19 Jun 2009, 22:51
You get a kidney stone, but the limestone chunk that comes out ruins your nether region.


I wish I could breath fire.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 19 Jun 2009, 22:58
Your wish is granted. The first time you actually try, the fire shrivels your lungs into nothing but desiccated husks of what they once were, the flame traveling through your windpipe and burning your body, cooking your organs, roasting you alive from the inside out.

You do, however, look really cool when this happens, and you're auto-cremated in the process.

I wish I was pretty (oh so pretty), I wish I was I was pretty and witty and gay.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 19 Jun 2009, 23:56
You are pretty, witty, and a flaming homosexual. You are also in the middle of Topeka, Kansas, and the year is 1955.

I wish I could sleep longer today.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 19 Jun 2009, 23:59
Oh, snap.

You can sleep longer, but only because the rest of the day is filled with back-breaking labour.

I wish I had my bouzouki.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tom on 20 Jun 2009, 02:15
tetra- or tri- ?
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 20 Jun 2009, 14:36
Tetra.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tom on 20 Jun 2009, 15:55
You can have your tetrachordo bouzouki but all four strings are broken and the wood is blown.

I wish I didn't have a migraine.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: HellStorm on 20 Jun 2009, 15:58
You don't have a migraine. You have death.

I wish I had something interesting to read.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Cartilage Head on 20 Jun 2009, 16:53
 You suddenly become interested in the most boring books possible, such as "An Introduction to the Assistant-management position at Party City outlets".

 I wish I could watch Happiness Of The Katakuris.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 20 Jun 2009, 18:20
you are stuck watching it on an infinite loop.
(not terribly creative, but i have major writer's block at the moment  :|)

i wish i could get rid of my writer's block!
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Christophe on 20 Jun 2009, 18:22
You do, when you get down to writing a horrifyingly dense collection of Harry Potter Fur Slashfic.

I wish I could stop looking at porn.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Yayniall on 20 Jun 2009, 18:39
Instead of looking at porn you become a peeping Tom.

I wish I could exist on four hours of sleep without any adverse effects.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 20 Jun 2009, 20:02
You wind up being bored every night that your schedule doesn't demand that you lose sleep, leading you to become very bored, driving you insane and slowly leading you to The Suicide.

I wish my whole life were as amazingly beautiful as tonight was.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tom on 20 Jun 2009, 20:26
Your whole life is as amazingly beautiful as tonight was because you experience the same night over and over again. Trapped in a continual loop of beauty you lose your mind and find tragic release.

I wish there was an easier way to tell your folks that the reason why the download quota has been all used up is because you've been downloading lots of porn.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Jace on 21 Jun 2009, 03:19
Before you can come clean, your dad says he has a horse porn fetish, your mom leaves him and takes you with. Dad keeps the computer with all your porn.

I wish I wasn't always so happy.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 21 Jun 2009, 05:00
I sock you in the groin whenever you're feeling too happy.

I wish I didn't need to sleep.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: tania on 21 Jun 2009, 08:34
you don't, but you are never tired or able to fall asleep ever again. after a week or so the novelty of having all that extra time wears off and you find yourself excruciatingly bored and lonely every single night, with nothing fun to do and nobody to hang out with because everything is closed and all of your friends are sleeping.

i wish i had a new laptop.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: MarkTBSc on 21 Jun 2009, 09:01
You have a new laptop. Turns out it was stolen and is full of kiddy porn, terrorist plans and viruses. You're arrested, charged and spend the rest of your mercifully short life as the 'special friend' of Roscoe the Weightlifter.

I wish I could code really really well.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: ibrahimdelil on 23 Jun 2009, 01:56
you can code really really well, but only in basic.

i wish i was unique.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: scarred on 23 Jun 2009, 01:59
You are the most unique, most horrifying piece of poo ever. Normal toilets are unable to flush you. You are bronzed and put in the Smithsonian for study.

I wish there was a zombie outbreak so I could show off my mad survival skillz!
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Tom on 23 Jun 2009, 02:06
You get bitten only hours into the zombie apocalypse, don't worry you can regenerate.

(http://www.videogamesblogger.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/resident-evil-1-remake-gamecube-crimson-head-artwork-small.jpg)

I wish I was immune to the t-virus.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Trevlordyte on 24 Jun 2009, 01:19
You are immune to the T-virus, but you have spinal meningitis.
I wish I had a new laptop.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 24 Jun 2009, 01:48
Your new laptop is a specially-commissioned remake of the Osbourne 1. It weighs 24 pounds, the screen is 5" wide and you can only use floppy disks.

I wish my hair never needed cutting or washing.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 24 Jun 2009, 05:34
Congratulations, you have breast cancer. The chemo is a bitch, but you never have to cut or wash your bald head.

I wish my car insurance were more affordable
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 24 Jun 2009, 05:51
Your car has a 500cc engine and does not travel at over 50mph.

I wish my finger didn't have a cut on it.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 24 Jun 2009, 09:29
Your finger no longer has a cut. Your coratid artery, however...

I wish I didn't have to leave all my friends and start over every 3 years.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Dazed on 24 Jun 2009, 10:29
You no longer have the ability to make friends, anywhere. Nobody to leave now!

I wish good vodka were less expensive.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: MrBlu on 24 Jun 2009, 10:37
The good Vodka is now less expensive, but it just became outlawed. Better find a Speakeasy, bub.

I wish I knew where I was going in life.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: McTaggart on 24 Jun 2009, 10:44
You get your wish.

(I don't think good vodka can be both cheaper and illegal at the same time. It might be cheaper for like a day but the market would sort that out in no time.)

I wish it was October 2007.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 24 Jun 2009, 11:09
It is forever October 2007. The California wildfires are never, ever going to stop, and have fun reading about how pissed Syria (and basically everybody else) is about Israel conducting air strikes. Oh, and Bush is still in office. FOREVER.

I wish I had enough money to get the shit I need to get right now.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Jace on 24 Jun 2009, 17:09
You have enough money, but all you get is shit, everything you touch turns into feces, sometimes it is human, sometimes it is animal, it's a crap shoot.

I wish I hadn't made that pun.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Lila on 24 Jun 2009, 19:02
You didn't make that pun, you posted a dead baby joke to which everyone replies OH NO THAT'S NOT FUNNY HATE HATE and there's internet drama for a few pages on an unrelated thread.

I wish I could just separate myself from all of my drama-causing friends.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: nobo on 24 Jun 2009, 19:37
congrats, you now have no friends

I wish it was the weekend
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Christophe on 24 Jun 2009, 19:42
It is the weekend, forever. You never get to go to work and thus have money, and die a penniless fool.

I wish my penis was a sub sandwich.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Lila on 24 Jun 2009, 19:43
It is. after a day, you realize that you have no way to pee. your bladder explodes.

I wish my sleep schedule was back to normal.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Aurjay on 24 Jun 2009, 19:47
your sleep schedule is back to normal cuz you never go anywhere or have anything to do but sleep. you die of boredom.

I wish i was 21 again.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 25 Jun 2009, 06:07
You are stuck being 21 for all of eternity. Lovers grow old, while you don't age a day. You see friends, family, loved ones die, while never tasting the flavor of a natural death, which would be made sweet by the pain of your eternal, constant loss. Slowly, over the course of the centuries, you go mad, and eventually shoot yourself in the head.

I wish I had something to do right now.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Yayniall on 25 Jun 2009, 06:13
You rekindle your love of anal masturbation but you hand gets stuck that way. FOREVER.


I wish for no more war.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: MarkTBSc on 25 Jun 2009, 11:34
The Paxillon-B hydrochlorate the Alliance added to the atmosphere processors worked. People stopped fighting and soon, they stopped everything else. They stopped eating, working... Living. They all just laid down and died. All except for one tenth of a percent of cases where they all went mad!

So... Yeah. War is over but everyone just gives up and dies and now we have Reavers.

If they catch you they'll rape you to death, eat your flesh and sew your skin into their clothing. If you're very very lucky, they'll do it in that order.

I wish Firefly had stuck around for more than half a season.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: snalin on 25 Jun 2009, 11:46
The second series of Firefly was absolute, horrifying SHIT, and got more popular than Lost and 24 combined. All your friends is talking about is the second season of Firefly, and to have any social contact, you have to suffer your way through horrifying hours of the new director's butchery of the old series.

I wish I hadn't lost my keys.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: allison on 25 Jun 2009, 11:55
You didn't lose your keys, but you lost your house, all your worldly possessions and your lover in the fire. With nothing left to live for, you throw yourself off a bridge with your keys still in your pocket.

I wish I could go home from work and Skype and sleep.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: snalin on 25 Jun 2009, 12:04
You get a call over skype. It's someone saying "hello there". You notice a reflection in the corner of your eye, and outside the window, you see the mad rapist (as the media later names him) with a mobile phone in one hand, and an axe in the other. "Would you care to get to know mister Axy-baxy here?", he continues.

I wish that I, as Allison presumed, had a lover to loose.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 25 Jun 2009, 14:44
You have a lover so loose (your typos are your own fault, dude) that it is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

I wish I didn't have to lose my lover in two weeks.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: nobo on 25 Jun 2009, 16:01
you lost your lover a few weeks ago, to another man, me.

i wish finding a job in detroit was easier.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: allison on 25 Jun 2009, 16:09
It is, but you have to wear clear heels and a mesh crop-top, and let some unsavoury types call you "Bunny."

I wish the cool people I met on the internets were not so far away!
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Yayniall on 25 Jun 2009, 16:12
The cool people you meet on the internet aren't far away, they're your parents.

I wish Will Smith from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air was my best friend.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: NotAFanOfFenders on 26 Jun 2009, 16:11
You're his 'special' friend. forever.

 I wish my brand new guitar wasn't fucked.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Scrambled Egg Machine on 26 Jun 2009, 16:59
Your brand new guitar is functioning, but it was purchased from Wal-mart for about $100.
I wish I had more good books to read.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Ozymandias on 26 Jun 2009, 17:06
You have all the best books in the world to read and all the time in the world to do so. Unfortunately, you're blind.

...

And your fingers fall off.

I wish for the best possible wish that is not this wish to be granted for me.

Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Yayniall on 26 Jun 2009, 17:24
All of humanity is enslaved by giant cockroaches, well it's the best wish for the giant cockroaches anyway.

I wish I was a punk rocker (with flowers in my hair)
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: wafflecone on 26 Jun 2009, 17:57
Sure, but silly people like me aren't going to get the reference and you'll always have to explaiiiin.

I wish I could afford to travel lots.


Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: ledhendrix on 27 Jun 2009, 03:41
You have as much money as you need. Unfortunately you tripped over the kerb the other day, landed on your spine at an awkward angle and you will be bed ridden for the rest of your life.

I wish I had artistic talent.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 27 Jun 2009, 04:49
You can make great sculptures but the only medium you know how to work with is cow shit.

I wish I had more time here.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: ledhendrix on 27 Jun 2009, 04:53
You get more time. One second to be precise, you had better savour it.

I wish my brunch would cook quicker.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Caleb on 27 Jun 2009, 06:42
The hadron collider at Cern causes the earth to be knocked out of it's normal orbital rotation.  We swerve closer to the sun.  Everything on this planet (including your brunch) is cooked to ash in a matter of seconds.

I wish I was able to control people's thoughts.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: NotAFanOfFenders on 27 Jun 2009, 07:33
You can, but not your own thoughts, causing you to commit suicide because of your horrible fetishes

I wish i had a proper wish to wish.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Finin on 29 Jun 2009, 11:57
You think of a proper wish, buts it's on your death bed and you die before you can utter your wish.



I wish I was a space explorer.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 29 Jun 2009, 15:37
You are now Laika (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laika).

I wish I could write decent lyrics
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: rynne on 29 Jun 2009, 18:03
You can write decent lyrics in Linear A.  Sadly, no living person can read them.

I wish for my wish to have no bad effect on anyone or anything.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: kitchenraider on 29 Jun 2009, 18:10
Your wish almost killed this thread.



I wish I could play the tuba really well withough practicing.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: rynne on 29 Jun 2009, 18:43
You play tuba exquisitely.  You also have a disorder where low-frequency sounds cause you to lose control of your bowels.

I wish to experience perfect contentment at my death.

Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: tinysmidgen on 29 Jun 2009, 20:31
You die happy but find that after you die, you must experience the worst memories of your life/past lives (if you partake in such a belief). The catch? The memories that you must experience are only one, regardless of you or your past lives having done it, sexual actions with your grandmother's corpse.

I wish I would be accepted, and if not accepted, not disliked.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 29 Jun 2009, 20:55
You are accepted as the sex slave for a group of rabid porcupines. Be careful, they bite.

I wish I could do a duet with Emmylou Harris.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: pharmmajor on 29 Jun 2009, 21:29

I wish I could do a duet with Emmylou Harris.

When you arrive to do your piece, a practical joker gives you a leather jacket. Ms. Harris, an active member of PETA, proceeds to beat you senseless after the duet.

I wish I could get one of my novels published.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 29 Jun 2009, 21:31
Oh god I did not know she was in PETA.

Oh man this is a sad thing.

Anyways.

Your novels are published in 12-part series in Hustler magazines.

 I wish PETA wasn't so wackjob crazy.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 30 Jun 2009, 11:26
I attempt to grant your wish, but it's fucking impossible. That is how I corrupt your wish.

I wish I could come back and visit whenever I wanted.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 01 Jul 2009, 00:34
You do, but as a vibrator.  Your mom purchases you at an adult entertainment store...  Visit successful.

I wish I had some motivation in life.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: HellStorm on 01 Jul 2009, 00:48
You are motivated. To jump off a bridge.

I wish I wasn't so sunburnt.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Thomas Edison on 01 Jul 2009, 01:21
You lose your skin. Sunburn gone!


I wish I didn't have to work nine hour shifts when the weather is nice.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: HellStorm on 01 Jul 2009, 01:47
You have to work 23 hour shifts instead.

I wish this couch was comfier.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 01 Jul 2009, 02:25
option 1:  It is.  In fact it's so much more comfier that you are unable to get up.  It's like an addiction that you can't leave.  You become larthargic and Obese on your couch.  Why should you move when your roommate will bring you food.  It's not like you're out doing bad things, right?  Your significant other eventually tires of your waste of time.  Your roommate gets married and moves out.  If you had children they mock you, and not even behind your back.  You become sad and depressed.  You want to end your life.  That would of course mean you'd have to get up and somehow kill yourself.  You live a long extremely lonely and boring life sitting there on your couch.  
(I know I'm breaking the rules, but..)
option 2:  there is a dildo glued to the cushion.  You somehow find that this is comfier.  You sick bastard!

I wish I had scooby doo snacks
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Thomas Edison on 01 Jul 2009, 02:29
You have Scooby Doo Snacks!

I poisoned them.

You'll die soon.



I wish I was snowboarding right now.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 01 Jul 2009, 02:54
You are snowboarding.  It's on Mt Everest.  You only have a snowboard.  You're a frozen corpse snowboarding down a mountain.

I wish for infinite intelligence.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Dollface on 01 Jul 2009, 03:59
Knowing everything drives you over the edge and you spend rest of your life in padded cell, wearing straightjacket and shitting in your pants.

I wish that that i wasnt so shy and timid when talking to girls.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 01 Jul 2009, 04:11
You become overly confident and cocky.  All girls think your a jackhole, which in soceity is actually sought after by the female counterpart.  However, you end up attracting a girl who is 13 and she looks older but lies about her age.  You end up in prison.  Your lawyer is a girl, you can keep using your new skills to talk to her.

I wish I paid that speeding ticket in febuary.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: HellStorm on 04 Jul 2009, 02:11
You did pay for it. You got sent to jail for hitting a small child whilst speeding, and you 'paid for it' with that pretty little mouth of yours.

I wish I wasn't so gosh darn nervous.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 04 Jul 2009, 04:46
You're not. You're MORE nervous. Congrats, you piss yourself at the sight of sunlight as it enters a room.

I wish I didn't actually have to put physical labor into packing things.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 04 Jul 2009, 05:02
You gain tremendous telekinetic powers that allows you to move stuff withpout physical effort, unfortunatly doing so causes a tumour to grow in your brain.

I wish that I could become one with the universe.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 04 Jul 2009, 05:26
Eh, I started smoking a couple months ago, gonna die of cancer anyway. This way I come out on top.

(gonna leave your wish for somebody else so's I don't overwhelm the thread with too much of my crap, I've been doing that in threads lately)
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 04 Jul 2009, 12:43
Someone plants a bomb on your person. You explode, splattering everything with yourself. Congratulations! You are one with the universe.

I wish I had a cello.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: J-cob9000 on 04 Jul 2009, 12:48
You receive a cello but are incapable of learning how to play it.

I wish I had some fireworks.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: MrBlu on 04 Jul 2009, 13:16
Click. Click. Boom.

I wish I could clean myself instantly.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 04 Jul 2009, 13:23
You can - by falling into a tub of acid.

I wish I could win the lottery.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: MarkTBSc on 04 Jul 2009, 15:44
You win the lottery and spend the rest of your life never being loved by anyone again. They all want you for your money. Even your existing friends become corrupted by the desire for it and you end your life in the only respite possible, living penniless and alone on the street.

I wish I had a really good cheeseburger right now.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Avec on 04 Jul 2009, 15:52
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
(http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/154/bedazzler.jpg) (http://img170.imageshack.us/i/bedazzler.jpg/)
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Cernunnos on 04 Jul 2009, 17:54
man perhaps my avatar needs a good bedazzling
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Finin on 04 Jul 2009, 18:47
You get to the last bite of your delicious burger, only to find a finger, you have just eaten your parents.



I wish I could grow an afro.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 05 Jul 2009, 05:03
 :-(

 :mrgreen:

 :police:

 :?

 :angel:


I wish I had a donkey with a good sense of direction I could ride home from the pub whilst drunk.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Jace on 05 Jul 2009, 06:48
You have a donkey, but he is overweight, you do not know if people are insulting you or commenting on the weight of your donkey when you ride it down the street.

I wish I could paint faster.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 05 Jul 2009, 07:12
Everything you paint looks like a damn Jackson Pollock painting, but you crank out like 30 in an hour.

I wish the Ergs! hadn't broken up.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: MrBlu on 05 Jul 2009, 16:56
They didn't! Instead they now church out crap Bad Brains style!

I wish I didn't have to leave to mop... >.>
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Thomas Edison on 06 Jul 2009, 04:36
You don't! You have to leave to sweep!


I wish it was payday.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: phooey on 06 Jul 2009, 07:59
Paid in anal fissures resulting from buttsex with your superiors - paid handsomely by the hour, and my, you've worked overtime, champ ;0]

I wish I weren't so affected by the heat
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Van donk III on 06 Jul 2009, 08:52
you're not, you exist in a digitally cooled iron lung.

I wish my favourite shoes would last forever
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 06 Jul 2009, 09:55
Your shoes last forever because they are covered in radioactive material from Chernobyl, rendering them unwearable, ever.

I wish I had the shiny Honda Rebel bike that I want oh so badly.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: NotAFanOfFenders on 15 Jul 2009, 12:21
you get it, but for some reason, NO CANADA FOR YOU.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 15 Jul 2009, 21:56
I wish you knew how ot play this game.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Ballard on 16 Jul 2009, 09:13
You finally catch on, but it's not really cool anymore. The thread is, for all intents and purposes, dead, and you make an ass of yourself.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: NotAFanOfFenders on 16 Jul 2009, 14:25
well, fuck.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Patrick on 16 Jul 2009, 15:41
GENE, YOU DICK, MAKE A WISH
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Ballard on 17 Jul 2009, 06:24
I wish to be pretty, oh so pretty, and witty, and gay.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Caleb on 17 Jul 2009, 07:16
You ARE suddenly pretty and witty and gay!

Suddenly you feel the need to burst out in song!

"I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real."

...and then a Puerto Rican gang member (annoyed that you stole his sister's song and thinking that you are mocking her by singing it) sneaks up on you and stabs you in the kidney.  You die cursing the catchy lyrics of Stephen Sondheim.

I wish could stop and start time at will  (the only thing not effected by this would be me).
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Yayniall on 17 Jul 2009, 10:20
You can stop and start time and will but can't do anything cool with your power. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernard%27s_Watch)

I wish it was the 60s, I wish I could be happy, I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen

Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 17 Jul 2009, 14:45
Something does happen, you get transported back to an alternative 60's where the red army is sweeping all across the worlds (ala the communist campaign in red alert 2) your are happy to find it is the 60's but become very unhappy when a soviet attack dog jumps up and attacks your face.

I wish that I could have electricity based super powers.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Christophe on 17 Jul 2009, 15:03
You do, and you decide that the first thing you want to do is go out for a swim. Oops.

I wish it wasn't so hot in my room at night when trying to sleep.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: Ballard on 17 Jul 2009, 22:47
You are no longer overheating at night. Your bed stands atop an ice shelf off the coast of Greenland. Your penis shrivels up and retreats into the folds of your body for warmth.
Title: Re: Bedazzled thread
Post by: NotAFanOfFenders on 19 Jul 2009, 08:08
You should make a wish now.