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[mberan42]

While they don't necessarily need to be from Movies, TV Shows, and Books, post your favourite quotes here.

I love quotes. I've saved a metric crapton of them. Some because they're funny, others because they're serious, yet others because they completely apply to my life... So post some of your favourite quotes here.

Anyways, to initiate the thread...



Depression is like losing your car keys and then finding them in your pocket an hour later, only to discover that they've been cursed and you can't use them until you accomplish three noble quests for an evil British king from the past.

[Blue Kitty]

Jules: What does Marcellus Wallace look like?
Brett: What?
Jules: What country you from?
Brett: What?
Jules: What ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What?
Brett: What?
Jules: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO-YOU-SPEAK-IT?
Brett: Yes!
Jules: Then you know what I'm saying!
Brett: Yes!
Jules: Describe what Marcellus Wallace looks like!
Brett: What, I-?
Jules: [pointing his gun] Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. Say what one more goddamn time.
Brett: He's b-b-black...
Jules: Go on.
Brett: He's bald...
Jules: Does he look like a bitch?
Brett: What?
[Jules shoots Brett in shoulder]
Jules: DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?
Brett: No!
Jules: Then why you try to fuck him like a bitch, Brett?
Brett: I didn't.
Jules: Yes you did. Yes you did, Brett. You tried to fuck him. And Marcellus Wallace don't like to be fucked by anybody, except Mrs. Wallace.

[Kai]

YOU CAN BE MY WINGMAN ANYTIME


BULLSHIT

YOU CAN BE MINE

[Trollstormur]

GET TO DA CHOPPAH!





probably something from the devil's dictionary. I love that shit.

[Inlander]

Cannibal, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.

Hmn, Troll?

[Kid Modernist]

"Dance like there's ass in your pants"
- Ray Smuckles

"But why think about that when all the golden land's ahead of you and all kinds of unforeseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad you're alive to see?"
- Jack Kerouac

"I am older than I once was, and younger than I'll be, that's not unusual."
- Paul Simon

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates."
- Steven Wright

Q: Who was the youngest Queen of England?
A: No, that little servant girl cannot have any of my lucky soup pennies, Mr. and Mrs. Fellows will go mental.

"Live by the foma that make you brave and kind and healthy and happy." - Kurt Vonnegut via Bokonon in Cat's Cradle.

[redbeardjim]

"I don't mind all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know that I'm not dumb -- and I also know that I'm not blonde."
 -- Dolly Parton

And a couple from Terry Pratchett:

"There is a certain type of girl who, while incapable of cleaning her own room even at knifepoint, will fight for the privilege of spending the day shoveling manure in a stable."

"You have the effrontery to be squeamish, it thought at him. But we were dragons. We were supposed to be cruel, cunning, heartless and terrible. But this much I can tell you, you ape -- the great face pressed even closer, so that Wonse was staring into the pitiless depths of its eyes -- we never burned and tortured and ripped one another apart and called it morality."

[Steyr_Junkie]

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
-Lucanus (Marcus Annaeus Lucan)

[Lines]

It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care. - Peter from Office Space

that was my motto in high school. because i didn't give a crap.

[TheMike]

"In a way we shouldn't be surprised because these terrorist subhumans are just looking for an excuse to get violent and will take anything they can get. What makes me mad is that newspaper editors and stuff are getting fired for having printed the political cartoon. So I guess we can't do anything that might 'offend' the same people who videotape themselves sawing off the heads of innocent westerners."

"I'm sorry to say that the subject I most disliked was mathematics. I have thought about it. I think the reason was that mathematics leaves no room for arguement. If you made a mistake, that was all there was to it."
Malcom X, Autobiography


"Genuine eros makes us desire a particular person; crude desire is satisfiable by fungible bodies. But the distinction between eros and lust is a fine one, and in many instances doubtful; we only deceive ourselves that this person is not replaceable by others in our affections."

"Women are like rabbits
they are to be kept in small, separate cages
taken out and cooed to gently
cuddled briefly, to temporarily revel
in their warm affection
their pelts and egos stroked
until they are content in their belief
that they are the sole recipients of
this undivided attention.
rabbits, incidentally,
are quite dull creatures."

[schimmy]

"Actually, my name is Dawei, but the white barbarians call me Dave."

[IronOxide]

I just greatly enjoy this one exchange in Pulp Fiction. I'm not even sure why, I just find it hilarious.

Jules: Mmmm! Goddamn, Jimmie! This is some serious gourmet shit! Usually, me and Vince would be happy with some freeze-dried Taster's Choice, but he springs this serious GOURMET shit on us! What flavor is this?
Jimmie: Knock it off, Jules.
Jules: What?
Jimmie: I don't need you to tell me how fucking good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys SHIT. Me, I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it. But you know what's on my mind right now? It AIN'T the coffee in my kitchen, it's the dead n***** in my garage.
Jules: Oh, Jimmie, don't even worry about that...
Jimmie: No, let me ask you a question. When you came pulling in here, did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said Dead N***** Storage?
Jules: Jimmie, you know I ain't seen no...
Jimmie: Did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said Dead N***** Storage?
Jules: No, I didn't.
Jimmie: You know WHY you didn't see that sign?
Jules: Why?
Jimmie: 'Cause it ain't there, 'cause storing dead n***** ain't my fucking business, that's why!

[ChaosTriangle]

Speaking of Pulp Fiction:

"So please, pretty please with sugar on top, clean the fucking car."

[Radical Ed]

Eddie: The entire British empire was built on cups of tea, and if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken.

[TrueNeutral]

Half of the things Dr. House says on House M.D. count.

[Will]

Half of the things Dr. House says on House M.D. count.

Who are you?  And why are you wearing a tie?

I don't really watch TV at all, but House is by far my favorite show...

[Electric Monk]

Here's some of my own favs.

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." Mark Twain

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock." Will Rogers

"If God lived on earth, people would break his windows." Jewish Proverb

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." ~ Albert Einstein

"Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash, and I'm delighted to report that I have no grasp of it whatsoever!" The Adventures of Baron Munchausen

"Worry is like interest paid in advance on a debt that never comes due."  The Spanish Prisoner

"We've got a blind date with Destiny -- and it looks like she's ordered the lobster." Mystery Men

"I know. You know I know. I know you know I know. We know Henry knows, and Henry knows we know it. We're a knowledgeable family" ~The Lion in Winter

[ayePod]

"We've got a blind date with Destiny -- and it looks like she's ordered the lobster." Mystery Men

Absolute classic.

[Praeserpium Machinarum]

Half of the things Dr. House says on House M.D. count.

apropos:

Dr. Cameron: "Foreman's black."
Dr. House. "What! How long have you've been sitting on this information!"

Dr. House: "Right after he gets sick, there's a good chance he'll get hit in the head with a cane shaped object."

etc.

It's a quotefest!

[Lines]

house is amazing.

[Dr. ROFLPWN]

The Monarch: You're probably thinking: "why am I here?" You're here because you done fucked up one too many times!!! You all think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're really cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup! And if you keep up like you've been doing, this is where you're headed!
(A gangsta-looking kid laughs)
The Monarch: Oh, this is funny to you, right? Because you're so fuckin' bad? I know your type. You think 'I'll just get me a costume, rip off the neighborhood kids'. Next thing you know, you've got a jet shaped like a skull with lasers on the front!!!
Other Kid: This is totally gay.
The Monarch: Think this is gay, huh?! Is that what you fuckin' said, you scrawny little piece of shit? Oh, this isn't gay. But King Gorilla over there is! And I bet he can't wait to break off a piece of your dick in his ass!
(King Gorilla smacks his lips as iff blowing a kiss. The Monarch stalks over to Dean and grabs his shirt collar, pulling him up as he rants)
The Monarch: You there! Get up!  I SAID GET THE FUCK UP! What's your name?
Dean Venture: Dean Ven--
The Monarch: Your name is BITCH! AND I OWN YOU! You are PROPERTY! And when I have tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame...King Gorilla! Got a cigarette?
(takes the cig and pushes Dean into King's arms)
There! I just sold you for the price of a cigarette! AND I DON'T SMOKE!
(pauses, realizing something)
Holy shit. You're Dean fucking Venture! Uh, King, I'mma need my bitch back. Here's your cigarette?
King Gorilla: FUCK YOU! Gimme a dollar!

While that is by far the best exchange one can find from The Venture Bros., half the  entire show is almost as quotable. It's a beautiful thing.

[rae]

A man may fight for many things. His country, his friends, his principles, the glistening ear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.


I love Blackadder.

[ImRonBurgundy?]

"Douche chiiiiiill" -Dr. Tobias Fünke

[Johnny C]

"I just blue myself."

[mysteriousbriefcase]

chuck palahniuk has some pretty awesome quotes.  nothing really funny, but i like them.

"Maybe humans are just the pet alligators that God flushed down the toilet."

"We all die.  The goal isn't to live forever.  The goal is to create something that will."

"The best way to waste your life, ... is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don't participate."

[RawR?]

"Your ability to do something is limited by your knowledge to do anything else" - me.

"Now it's my turn!" - some cartoon character.

"I'll give you a dollar if you do this...." - me.

[Johnny C]

Today Arrested Development Season 3 came out. Please buy it and fill yourself with quotes for this thread.

[Cartilage Head]

"You are not your job.
 You are not your house.
 You are not how much money you have in the bank.
 You are not a unique snowflake.
 You are the all-singing, all dancing crap of the earth." -Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club. (At least it's something along those lines.)

 "Birds.
 Birds ate my face."

 "Usually when someone gets a doberman puppy, they have the tips of the ears cut off.. it's just something people do. Anyway, the person who cuts your ears off is the person you'll hate for the rest of your life, so they don't hire their regular vetinarian to do it.. they'll hire a complete stranger. That's why I can't show you these pictures of yourself." Both are from Invisible Monsters, by Chuck Palahniuk.