I have long been a PC loyalist. Don't give me your pussy, dumbed-downed, "streamlined" (read: simplified and dumbed down for the keyboard-impaired) gameplay with fuzzy textures and awkward button re-using schemes. No, real gamers do it with a mouse and QWERTY. If you're not willing to work for months so that you can drop at least 1,500 on a machine with which to run programs that come on $50 slices of silicon, you're not a real gamer. You're just a person who plays games. To say playing consoles makes you a gamer is as to say buying to seat-liners makes you a customizing hot rodder. Playstations are for posers and X-Boxes don't lend themselves to catchy wordplay, but they suck too.
Any real gamer knows this better than they know the alphabet. It's a law of nature.
But man...that Wii...shit...I'm ashamed to admit it, but I want one. I really, really wants me one. When I saw that little nunchuk thing, I laughed. Nintendo was sticking their dick in the grinder and just cranking the handle as fast as they could. Who the hell wants to play a game with a fucking TV remote? I pressed it from my mind, content in my inherently superior pedigree. The PC had never failed me, and it never would. And honestly, it never has.
But the buzz about the Wii...I've never heard anything like it. Never. I've been paying attention to games for a decade now, and nothing has even come near the buzz the Wii is getting. EVERYBODY likes it. I've seen videos of people playing, and that shit looks fun.
But I can't want to buy a console. I just can't. I turned my back on those dark lands years ago. I've never bought a single console item that wasn't a gift for an unenlightened friend since I got rid of my SEGA Genesis. I am the hardest of the hardcore PC loyalists. If it doesn't come with a mouse, I ain't interested.
But that Wii! Oh, the Wii! How you vex and confuse me! Am I doomed to lose my North Star? Has the sky come unfixed, spinning wildly around me in an orgy of pixelated relativism? How can I maintain my confidence in my PC brothers and my disdain for the console scum if this damnable Wii strikes at the very core of what I am?
I think...I think there may only be one way for me to address this. I must confront the Wii, stare it in the eye, and see if the bastard blinks. But how can I do this? If I b- buy one, I will have lost that moral high ground I have spent so many years building: I don't give money to the console pushers!
It appears that I have but one hope. Somebody else must buy me one. If you need to know my shipping address, drop me a line.
