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Author Topic: Best/Worst things to say during sex?  (Read 167159 times)

Grimmy

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #300 on: 10 Jan 2008, 08:02 »

"Dad was right, you ARE tighter than mom, but my sister still has you beat!"

"Wow Grandma, you feel so wet, did you pick the scabs and let the puss run?"

"Mind If I sneak one past the goalie?"

"this feels much better when my herpes is not flaring up"

"last time I did this, it made me burn when I pee"

Unrelated
Why did the condom fly across the room?
It was pissed off!

This may become the best thread on this board!

Grimmy
LOOK AT IT GO!!!
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blanktom

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #301 on: 22 Jan 2008, 14:56 »

at climax - WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!
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Is that you John Wayne? Is this me?

Grimmy

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #302 on: 24 Jan 2008, 12:59 »

at climax...

THIS IS....OVEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

then roll over and say, "seriously. Get out. Im done with you now."
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Amadeus

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #303 on: 24 Jan 2008, 23:30 »

"To Infinity And Beyond!"
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ledhendrix

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #304 on: 25 Jan 2008, 07:39 »

Can you get that scab? It's leaking puss everywhere.
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Amadeus

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #305 on: 26 Jan 2008, 10:20 »

*At Climax*
"BELIEVE IT!"
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Jeff7

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #306 on: 26 Jan 2008, 11:24 »

"Sweet, check it out, there's a Giant in the Playground!"
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Amadeus

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #307 on: 27 Jan 2008, 19:37 »

"Hurry up already, gotta poop!"
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Apple Pie

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #308 on: 27 Jan 2008, 19:39 »

Can you get that scab? It's leaking puss everywhere.

*shudders at the thought*


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"Did your Man Jesus ever have a wife?"
"No, but his girlfriend was a whore."
"Well...that's a start."

Michael Nehora

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #309 on: 31 Jan 2008, 08:50 »

"Meh."  (Alternative:  sing "Is That All There Is?")

"You know, I think I may be gay."  (Replace with "straight" if your partner is same-sex.)

"Well, everything seems to be working.  If that part gives you any more trouble, just bring it down to the shop."

"I'm rolling double twenties!"  (Unless your partner is an RPG geek, in which case s/he'd probably find it funny.)

"You validate parking, right?"

Any religious chant, particularly if done in synch with the act.  Especially recommended:  "Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa..." (while beating your chest with one hand);  "Yitgadal veyitkadash shemei rabba..."

"At last, we have opened the portal.  Enter, O Dark One!"
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Doug S. Machina

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #310 on: 01 Feb 2008, 05:26 »

(At climax): no..no..no...WHYYYYYYYYY???

Answer your phone (bad enough  by itself): "You think you're busy? I'm actually having sex! ...OK, put him on."

"So that's sex? I don't see what the fuss is about."
(beaten to the punchline by Michael Nehora. Damn you, registration trouble!)
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Man, if I was the sort of person who quoted things like that in my signature, I'd quote that it my signature.

Amadeus

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #311 on: 01 Feb 2008, 09:09 »

*In He-Man voice*
"I HAVE THE POWERRRRRR!"
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cynnabyte

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #312 on: 04 Feb 2008, 02:04 »

"Go go gadget climax!"
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Doug S. Machina

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #313 on: 05 Feb 2008, 17:53 »

"You know, is this really necessary?"

"If you complete this test, there will be cake."
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Man, if I was the sort of person who quoted things like that in my signature, I'd quote that it my signature.

bgugi

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #314 on: 06 Feb 2008, 15:37 »

(afterwards) - "the cake was a lie"
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DigiSim

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #315 on: 06 Feb 2008, 15:55 »

"This is getting boring. What's on TV?"

"Pull my finger."

"Oh, wrong hole. Meh, as long as I'm in here."

"So who needs lube?"

"Jeez, my sister gives better head than you and she's only six."

"You want a pearl necklace? Get your own jewelry, you greedy bitch!"

And the worst thing to say, especially if you're using a condom.

"Oops."
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Doug S. Machina

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #316 on: 07 Feb 2008, 14:37 »

"You're nearly as good as my hand!"
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Man, if I was the sort of person who quoted things like that in my signature, I'd quote that it my signature.

Michael Nehora

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #317 on: 07 Feb 2008, 21:54 »

"You're not half the woman your brother was last night."

(As your partner is about to climax:)  "Wait--who am I?  Where am I?  Who are you and what are you doing--NOOOOO!"

"This is so going on /b/.  Say 'cheese!'"

"Oh, there's where I stashed the duct tape.  Now then, here hamster hamster..."
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Doug S. Machina

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #318 on: 08 Feb 2008, 06:14 »

"You're not half the woman your brother was last night."



Behind that comment would be a terrifying abyss that you really don't want to gaze into.

"This is so going on /b/.  Say 'cheese!'"


Sorry if it's a stupid question. What is /b/?
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Man, if I was the sort of person who quoted things like that in my signature, I'd quote that it my signature.

Michael Nehora

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #319 on: 08 Feb 2008, 07:07 »

Sorry if it's a stupid question. What is /b/?

/b/ is the "random picture" thread on the 4chan boards.  As I understand (not being interested in visiting it myself), it's notorious for shocking, disgusting and/or irreverent content.
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Doug S. Machina

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #320 on: 09 Feb 2008, 15:55 »

*In He-Man voice*
"I HAVE THE POWERRRRRR!"

This. Is. Brilliant.
I laugh whenever I think of it.

Sorry if it's a stupid question. What is /b/?

/b/ is the "random picture" thread on the 4chan boards.  As I understand (not being interested in visiting it myself), it's notorious for shocking, disgusting and/or irreverent content.

Thanks for that.

Today's suggestions:

"Ffffffor the WIN! L-O-L!!!"

"Mission Completed." (In a generic female computer voice. Especially if you're male.)

The whole of the Green Lantern oath. "In blackest night..."

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Man, if I was the sort of person who quoted things like that in my signature, I'd quote that it my signature.

conn

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #321 on: 10 Feb 2008, 03:29 »

*In He-Man voice*
"I HAVE THE POWERRRRRR!"
haha yes
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Jeff7

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #322 on: 10 Feb 2008, 08:16 »

Wow, no one's done this one yet?



"Erkk.....AAAAHHHHhh.......
This was a triumph. I'm making a note here, HUGE success!"
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Amadeus

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #323 on: 12 Feb 2008, 22:30 »

"s-s-S-Smurfette! Shit, I mean, Erica...."
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Michael Nehora

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #324 on: 13 Feb 2008, 01:01 »

"So um, how does this work?"

(Pointing at your partner's private bits:)  "What.  The Hell.  Is. THAT."

"Results may vary."

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."



And while we're bordering on blasphemy, here's one for men only:

"My rod, my rod, why hast thou forsaken me?"
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Shrinkydinks

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #325 on: 14 Feb 2008, 17:25 »

This isn't so much something to say but yeah, laughing, laughing is pretty bad.

My boyfriend laughed at me in the middle of the deed. I wanted to punch him in the face.

butthole.
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cgarci21

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #326 on: 14 Feb 2008, 19:06 »

I'm not sure if this has been posted yet but if you're a girl...

"The doctor said it would be self-lubricating."
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You know how animals can sense a tsunami coming before humans notice? I'm like that, only for sexy things. -Dora Bianchi

Michael Nehora

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #327 on: 14 Feb 2008, 20:39 »

This isn't so much something to say but yeah, laughing, laughing is pretty bad.

My boyfriend laughed at me in the middle of the deed. I wanted to punch him in the face.

butthole.

Found this one many places online:  When Paul Lynde, the regular "center square" guest on Hollywood Squares was asked,  "According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?",  he answered,  "Point and laugh."
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Outshined

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #328 on: 14 Feb 2008, 23:48 »

"FLAWLESS VICTORY!!"

"Work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger...!!"

"I am ze Ubermensch!!"

"Ha ha hah, you just got owned!"

"You did well!!"

"Does this make my butt look big?"

"I wish I knew how to quit quotin' Brokeback at you."

"Oh my god!  It's even better than that time at Vegas!"

"Get down and give me twenty!"

"...I feel dead inside..."

"You just got Rick Rolled!" 


« Last Edit: 14 Feb 2008, 23:52 by Outshined »
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AsteriskEnye3

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #329 on: 14 Feb 2008, 23:52 »

In the spirit of a recent comic, I think hork hork hork hork hork hork hork would qualify.
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rainnsreinn

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #330 on: 15 Feb 2008, 08:30 »

"Oh no" and "Oops" are never good things to hear.
"My preacher is better at this" is also pretty good.
"My cell mate was better" is a nice touch.
Any talk of a furry costume would probably do the trick though.
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Rocketman

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #331 on: 15 Feb 2008, 08:45 »

"Is it supposed to be green?"
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Muskrat121

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #332 on: 15 Feb 2008, 12:24 »

"It's not rape if you yell 'SURPRISE!'"


Or along with that "SURPRISE!" in general.
« Last Edit: 15 Feb 2008, 12:27 by Muskrat121 »
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bbqrocks

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #333 on: 15 Feb 2008, 13:07 »

'This is just getting ridiculous'.

'spider pig, spider pig...'
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conn

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #334 on: 15 Feb 2008, 13:33 »

Screaming "ARE YOU OKAY?!" in Terry Bogard's voice would be hilarious imo
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shantred

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #335 on: 15 Feb 2008, 14:20 »

Okay, not sure if this has been done, but i've already read 3 pages and not seen it. So here we go:

"IT'S OVER NINE-THOUSAND!!!!!!"(during climax of course)
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Doug S. Machina

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #336 on: 15 Feb 2008, 16:54 »

"So um, how does this work?"

(Pointing at your partner's private bits:)  "What.  The Hell.  Is. THAT."
Sheer brilliant.

"Results may vary."
"The value of your investment may go down as well as up."

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

And while we're bordering on blasphemy, here's one for men only:

"My rod, my rod, why hast thou forsaken me?"

Puns are surely a bad thing during sex. Still, that deserves a prize.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of evil..."

"FLAWLESS VICTORY!!"

"Work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger...!!"

"I am ze Ubermensch!!"

"Ha ha hah, you just got owned!"
Those are excellent.
Though surely the last one would be worse as "Ha ha hah, you just got pwned!" I guess this is pronounced "puh-wan-d!"

"I wish I knew how to quit quotin' Brokeback at you."
There are not words to praise this.

"You just got Rick Rolled!" 
You'd have to start singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" first.

 
"...I feel dead inside..."
"No, that's me."
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Man, if I was the sort of person who quoted things like that in my signature, I'd quote that it my signature.

foofighterq

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #337 on: 15 Feb 2008, 17:33 »

"hmm, so the carpet doesnt match the drapes after all"
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I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.

idiolect

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #338 on: 18 Feb 2008, 08:28 »

In the spirit of a recent comic, I think hork hork hork hork hork hork hork would qualify.


You win the thread, imho.


Also, I knew a guy who actually did do this:  After having sex, he turned to his girlfriend, and said AWESOME! HIGH FIVE!! and totally high-fived her. 
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ledhendrix

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #339 on: 18 Feb 2008, 08:29 »

You know when you've got an awesome girlfriend when you can do that.
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The gF

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #340 on: 18 Feb 2008, 08:38 »

Worst thing to do during sex?

Break up with her.  Right after you orgasm, but before she comes.
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idiolect

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #341 on: 18 Feb 2008, 08:51 »

Worst thing to do during sex?

Break up with her.  Right after you orgasm, but before she comes.

Notice to future boyfriends: I will cut you if you ever do this to me.


(I keep looking at the hork hork hork comment and laughing.  I can't help it. hork hork hork hork hork hork hork)
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idiolect

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #342 on: 18 Feb 2008, 08:52 »

Oh man, someone please make hork hork hork hork hork hork hork your sig?  I don't want to do it because I like mine too much, but come on, it would be awesome.
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ledhendrix

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #343 on: 18 Feb 2008, 08:55 »

There is a modify button, no need to double post thank you.

Also, Screaming diarrhea then shitting the bed would probably be one of the outright worst things to do.
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Get off my land

The gF

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #344 on: 18 Feb 2008, 09:03 »

Oh man, someone please make hork hork hork hork hork hork hork your sig?  I don't want to do it because I like mine too much, but come on, it would be awesome.
Done.
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Somethingfake

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #345 on: 18 Feb 2008, 09:04 »

There is a modify button, no need to double post thank you.

Also, Screaming diarrhea then shitting the bed would probably be one of the outright worst things to do.

What about licking it all up afterwards?
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Quote from: Jeph
Snoopy lives in a fantasy world. Gromit is a dog who gets things done. Gromit would destroy Snoopy.

grendler

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #346 on: 18 Feb 2008, 21:06 »

worst thing for a woman to say to a man
It's like a penis only smaller

worst thing for a man to say to a woman
does anybody else smell fish?
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invisiblechild

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #347 on: 18 Feb 2008, 21:45 »

after orgasm

"I WIN! AGAIN!"

(although the aforementioned "FLAWLESS VICTORY" is better for me, I'm not sure everybody would get the reference)
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Superkid11

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #348 on: 20 Feb 2008, 09:52 »

"It might feel a bit strange as it goes in."

Got that from a friend's post about an operation he had. Not on here. :P
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Doug S. Machina

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #349 on: 20 Feb 2008, 09:54 »

"It might feel a bit strange as it goes in."

Got that from a friend's post about an operation he had. Not on here. :P

This naturally leads to:

"You might feel a little prick."
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Man, if I was the sort of person who quoted things like that in my signature, I'd quote that it my signature.
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