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Author Topic: Best/Worst things to say during sex?  (Read 167233 times)

improbability driver

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #350 on: 20 Feb 2008, 10:32 »

Upon climax, just shrieking bloody murder for as long as possible. Scream until you can't scream no more, and carry on as if nothing had happened afterwards. Do not explain yourself.
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Michael Nehora

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #351 on: 21 Feb 2008, 09:56 »

This naturally leads to:

"You might feel a little prick."

And that gives a horrifying new dimension to Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb":

Okay...okay....okay...
It's just a little pin-prick
There'll be no more (AAAAAAA!)
But you may feel a little sick
« Last Edit: 21 Feb 2008, 18:32 by Michael Nehora »
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dta74

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #352 on: 21 Feb 2008, 14:11 »

well, I posted this in another topic... but here goes again:

"Stop it, Dad!  That tickles!"
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RKDelpiero

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #353 on: 21 Feb 2008, 14:37 »

"Gooooooaaaaaaaaaalllllllll!"

"It smells like love!"

"I want my deposit back"
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cptnspldng

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #354 on: 21 Feb 2008, 20:28 »

There can be Only One!

The spice must flow!

Feel my Gom Jabbar!


also...the one thing you must never say in a Victoria's Secret store: "Does this come in kid's sizes?"
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What Fresh Hell is This?

idiolect

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #355 on: 21 Feb 2008, 22:21 »

Feel my Gom Jabbar!


Okay, that one did actually make me flinch.  Ech.
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mrjoegangles

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #356 on: 21 Feb 2008, 23:44 »

For lady hookers:

"Ten percent of your donation goes towards AIDs research."
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RKDelpiero

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #357 on: 21 Feb 2008, 23:52 »

"Damn I hate these splinters"
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Switchblade

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #358 on: 22 Feb 2008, 00:15 »

This naturally leads to:

"You might feel a little prick."

And that gives a horrifying new dimension to Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb":

Okay...okay....okay...
It's just a little pin-prick
There'll be no more (AAAAAAA!)
But you may feel a little sick


man, fuck that song, it's too long. I just fast-forward to the guitar solo nowadays.
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ROCK MORE, ROLL MORE, LURK MOAR

lizardg33k

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #359 on: 22 Feb 2008, 02:09 »

"lets do the time warp!!"

"TIMMEH!"

start reciting the lord's prayer

"what did you just put in me??" (especially good for a guy)

"jeez, i think your mom has a bigger penis than you!"

"don't freak out if the baby kicks!"

(before sex) "you know, 3 hour ago, i was a virgin"

-lizardg33k
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RKDelpiero

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #360 on: 22 Feb 2008, 04:03 »

"I want us to have dinner with our parents"
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Doug S. Machina

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #361 on: 22 Feb 2008, 04:12 »

"For years, I've been searching for someone with a birthmark like that. Are...are you my sister?"
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Man, if I was the sort of person who quoted things like that in my signature, I'd quote that it my signature.

RKDelpiero

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #362 on: 22 Feb 2008, 04:48 »

"For years, I've been searching for someone with a birthmark like that. Are...are you my sister?"

You mean....you didn't know I was your sister?
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Doug S. Machina

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #363 on: 22 Feb 2008, 05:39 »

:laugh: Trump card!
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Man, if I was the sort of person who quoted things like that in my signature, I'd quote that it my signature.

lonewolfsis04

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #364 on: 22 Feb 2008, 08:53 »

"are you done yet? -rolls eyes-"

"Well that was...um...well that was...uh...you know what...that just sucked."

"Hurry up and get dressed. The pastor should be here any minute."

"That goes WHERE?"

"...And that's where babies come from [while pointing to the womens genitalia]"

Yourself: "Thank you for helping me come to conclusions."
Member of the opposite sex: "Conclusions?"
Yourself: "That I'm gay...I mean really...that was the most repulsive thing that I have ever experienced."

"I'm gonna sing the doom song now! Doom doom doom etc."

"I loved you piggy, I love you"



and of course:
BARBRA STREISAND!


And really, don't let the blankets get on your nerve and yell "GRAWR!" like a dinosaur...unless you really want to...you have been warned.
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jordinyc

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #365 on: 25 Feb 2008, 14:12 »

"mmm ... oh yeah .. oooh ... .. .    wait, hang on a sec ... oh goddamnit not again! Listen, do you have any needlenose pliers?"
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Michael Nehora

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #366 on: 25 Feb 2008, 19:20 »

If you're a man, start talking in a Betty Boop-type voice.  For extra credit, sing "I Wanna Be Loved by You" in synch with the boinking.

"Blessed is the Lord who teaches my hands for the war, and my fingers to fight."

"Now, how to explain this...you see, when a Papa Bird and a Mama Bird love each other very much..."  Then bring out the finger puppets.
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frullic

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #367 on: 25 Feb 2008, 20:28 »

here are my suggestions:

"The sleeper must awaken!"
"SPRING BREAK!"
start screaming "OPRAH!"
any reference to Family Guy
"I can has hamburger"
any refferences to furries
"SUPER SAYAN!"

and my favourite:
"badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom..."
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idiolect

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #368 on: 26 Feb 2008, 00:23 »

and my favourite:
"badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom..."


Alternatively: "It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!  Peanut butter jelly time!"


peanutbutterjelly peanutbutterjelly peanutbutterjelly with a baseball bat
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frullic

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #369 on: 26 Feb 2008, 12:33 »

That was already said. May I add "Damn you Sauron!"
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Muskrat121

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #370 on: 26 Feb 2008, 12:59 »

Or any lord of the rings reference.  Particularly if he/she has a piercing down there.

"The one ring"
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Border Reiver

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #371 on: 26 Feb 2008, 13:20 »

And with the exercise innuendo from today:

"Come on and work those abs, that's it!  Three more, two more, one more and ..... hold it!" (must be said in some chipper exercise instructor sort of voice)
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Doug S. Machina

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #372 on: 26 Feb 2008, 14:22 »

Reminds me of the tune a couple of years ago made from a Jane Fonda video, which would surely be a bad thing to quote (or to have playing)

"Two, three, two, three, four and back...chances are, you've worked up a good sweat by now!"




On the LOTR tip, how about "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
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Man, if I was the sort of person who quoted things like that in my signature, I'd quote that it my signature.

muffy

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #373 on: 26 Feb 2008, 16:47 »

not really a worst thing/best thing but one time i was dared to answer my phone while we were doing it...i'm sure the conversation was a little strange

I always hope a telemarketer will call during a sex session...

Telemarketer: are you eating right now?

Me: not yet, but when its my turn, she will let me know.


I used to do telesales. Part of our 'training' included listening to a call whereby a couple in the act were called and didn't hang up the phone...the best part was, they listened to the spiel about insurance first, and then the sort of gasping sounds interrupted the poor telesales guy...

But, on topic:

This one for guys: "This is just like the last time I went bowling!"

and...

"So, have you tried watersports before?"

"I think you broke it"

"So, I spoke to my ex today..."

"Good effort."

"Shabba!" (Not that funny, but I knew someone who thought themselves hilarious for that one)

(In the voice of a young kid) "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

Start singing Sic Transit Gloria

"So, if you're free tomorrow, shall we take a trip to the VD clinic?"

...
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Jeff7

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #374 on: 26 Feb 2008, 18:16 »

Or any lord of the rings reference.  Particularly if he/she has a piercing down there.

"The one ring"
Lord of the Cock Rings

It adds new context to this line:

"And he cut the ring from Sauron."

Then the guy picks up the ring, and as he holds it in his hand, it shrinks considerably.
"Aw come ON, that's just rude!"


On the LOTR tip, how about "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
That's the slogan for Gandalf's Condoms.
« Last Edit: 26 Feb 2008, 18:25 by Jeff7 »
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catbhn21

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #375 on: 26 Feb 2008, 19:49 »

"Damnit, this isn't working, it's too loose."

interpret that as you will, I imagine a guy saying it.

Alternatively, "Damnit, this isn't working. You're not hard enough."
That could be a legitimate thing to say, as awful as it is...

I don't really think it's the worst though. Anything that forces you to think about family makes me cringe.
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idiolect

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #376 on: 26 Feb 2008, 20:57 »

not really a worst thing/best thing but one time i was dared to answer my phone while we were doing it...i'm sure the conversation was a little strange

I always hope a telemarketer will call during a sex session...

Telemarketer: are you eating right now?

Me: not yet, but when its my turn, she will let me know.


I used to do telesales. Part of our 'training' included listening to a call whereby a couple in the act were called and didn't hang up the phone...the best part was, they listened to the spiel about insurance first, and then the sort of gasping sounds interrupted the poor telesales guy...


I used to do telesales a few years ago too, but we definitely never had any training like that!  Maybe you worked for a more "corporate" (read: organized) place than me?  Mine was selling season tickets to the theater, and later, raising money for nonprofits.  Although I dealt with a lot of really weird stuff in the couple of years that I had those jobs, I'm actually pretty sure I never called anyone while they were, uh, "busy," or at least I never knew it. 
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Carpens

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #377 on: 26 Feb 2008, 22:36 »

Pre (guy to girl):  "I brought a condom, so it's okay that you, y'know, get around."

During (either):  "Look, I don't want to freak you out, but... nevermind."

During (either, to the person who chats/texts way too much):  "O M G!  B R B, K?", then leave.

Post (either):  "Okay then.  Do you have any lotion?"
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RKDelpiero

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #378 on: 27 Feb 2008, 05:11 »

"I want you to sign a prenup"

"Don't suppose you know what cures herpes do you?"

"Backdoor Sluts Nine!"

"In the hole!" (Like they yell out at Golf tournaments)

"You're like a waterbed"

"I'll have what she's having"

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frullic

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #379 on: 27 Feb 2008, 17:06 »

Best Idea evar!

Sing flight of the Valkyries! (especially when about to go...)
Alternatively, do any reference to Goatse, 2 girls 1 cup, or teletubies.


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Muskrat121

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #380 on: 27 Feb 2008, 18:23 »

"So this is what a hot dog in a hallway feels like."

"Hold on, I need to put in a new tape."

"Surprise!  You're on Candid Camera!"

"And I would do anything for love...but I won't do that!"
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Jeff7

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #381 on: 28 Feb 2008, 18:01 »

Ahhh..AHHH.....I AM OOOZZZZ! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL!

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the-artful-dodger-rodger

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #382 on: 28 Feb 2008, 18:49 »

worst thing to say

"I think I need to see my therapist now"

two from BioShock

"would you kindly"

"Come on mister bubblers, angels wait for no one"

and "Flame on"
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Alphalpha

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #383 on: 29 Feb 2008, 05:44 »

any reference to Family Guy
BUTTSCRATCHAAA!

Starting singing 'Easy like Sunday Morning'.
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Michael Nehora

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #384 on: 29 Feb 2008, 20:05 »

[In a toddler's voice:]  "Mine!  Mine!  You can't have it, MINE!"

"Now before we go any further, please sign and date here...and here...press hard;  you're making two copies."

[For men:]  "One-Mississippi, Two-Mississippi, Three Mississ-- [pull out]  All right, I just topped my previous speed!...What?  A 'congratulations' would be nice."
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Alphalpha

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #385 on: 01 Mar 2008, 03:48 »

"Now before we go any further, please sign and date here...and here...press hard;  you're making two copies."
The other person actually is signing and dating  :lol: I like that.
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frullic

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #386 on: 02 Mar 2008, 19:05 »

A nice thing to do is to grab a hand held video game and play something, while on top...
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Johnny C

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #387 on: 02 Mar 2008, 23:42 »

It wasn't really a screamo scream but he just full on yelled for about 30 seconds.

This would be best if you force the other person to maintain eye contact the whole time.
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anythingxbutxnormal

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #388 on: 04 Mar 2008, 17:12 »

Worst thing to say.

"Uh...you know what? I think we should keep the lights off after all..."

:| Simply terrible.
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anythingxbutxnormal

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #389 on: 04 Mar 2008, 17:14 »

worst thing to say

"I think I need to see my therapist now"

two from BioShock

"would you kindly"

"Come on mister bubblers, angels wait for no one"

and "Flame on"

Hahaha! FLAME ON! I have to admit. If a guy ever did that to me. I would think he was joking...and most likely fall down with laughter. Also my sides would probably split open...or at least that would be how I'd feel after laughing at them.
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Hadrian Emrys

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #390 on: 04 Mar 2008, 19:36 »

"SING FOR ME!" ala Phantom of the Opera.
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simonterry

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #391 on: 04 Mar 2008, 20:18 »

"Victory for the forces of democratic freedom!"

David Foster Wallace, anyone?
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Doug S. Machina

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #392 on: 05 Mar 2008, 05:46 »

"The proletariat will be kept down no longer!"
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Man, if I was the sort of person who quoted things like that in my signature, I'd quote that it my signature.

The Viz

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #393 on: 05 Mar 2008, 07:08 »

Based on the experiences of a friend of a friend...

Girl: "Oooh yeah...oh yeah...OH YEAH, oh...oh yeah, OH OH YEAH!"

Guy: "Shut the hell up!"
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Surgoshan

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #394 on: 05 Mar 2008, 10:12 »

Once in college I was walking along and overheard a girl discussing the previous night's encounter.

Quote
I stared at the ceiling for like 40 minutes, so I said, "Are you going to come or what?" and he said, "I told you; I'm hungry."

I really wanted to turn around and say something, but what?
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Amaroq

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #395 on: 05 Mar 2008, 12:25 »

I don't think there is a good response to that, Surgoshan.

For during sex, there's always..

"Uh, I don't think this is working for me. Wanna go {X} instead?"

... for maximal effect, {X} should either be something excessively boring, or excessively disturbing:

" ... Wanna go check out that Bodies exhibit instead?"
" ... Wanna play some Trivial Pursuit instead?"
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Surgoshan

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #396 on: 05 Mar 2008, 12:45 »

Ah!  AHH!  KIDNEY STONE!

I don't think the biology quite works, there, but damn if that wouldn't kill the mood.
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Hadrian Emrys

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #397 on: 05 Mar 2008, 12:50 »

"Pull my finger."
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Michael Nehora

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #398 on: 05 Mar 2008, 13:11 »

Girl: "Oooh yeah...oh yeah...OH YEAH, oh...oh yeah, OH OH YEAH!"

Guy: "Shut the hell up!"

I love it.  Especially because it's generally someone in the next apartment who says that (often together with thumping on the wall).
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Surgoshan

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Re: Best/Worst things to say during sex?
« Reply #399 on: 05 Mar 2008, 14:07 »

heh
xkcd

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