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Author Topic: slam i wrote a little bit ago  (Read 3660 times)

Mobius_Logic

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slam i wrote a little bit ago
« on: 24 Dec 2007, 20:17 »

      

i pulled out your favorite book again last night
the one colored like night and time and safeway
fried chicken and lookyourloverintheeye and every color is that color.

it wasnt as good this time, i realized all the characters were assholes
and sluts and that the author was lying when he said this meant something to him
and really he just wanted a bite to eat and a few bucks for cigarettes
and he's just tired of it because most books are read on the assumption that a sad person is a beautiful person and that if someone makes you cry you must be in love with them

AT YOUR BEST YOU WERE BLUE AND GREEN AND YELLOW AND RED AND I SWEAR I SAW YOU IN THE SKY AFTER THE RAIN
,at your worst you were darker then a dead authors cigarette and now i think im a little closer to understanding my grandfather's sadness, half-
singing
"you cant smoke anywhere anymore"

who thinks of joseph stalin 6 years old- happy cause its spring and "
todays the day i get to ride my bicycle without training wheels"

who thinks of martin luther king crying into his mothers arms because
the pretty girl just laughed at him when he asked her to homecoming

mother theresa mustve gotten horny once in a while

hitler
dreamed
of becoming
an artist.

andsometimes the sunlight is like butter and it drips into your hair andyour eyes and even your cracks and crevices and all your dark places and you shine like the 4th of july in the morning and the world cries and it cries and it cries because its just too beautiful and it has no lover to hold it in this empty forever so it draws itself one with sidewalk chalk
and dandelions
and dreams and cheap moment and snow days and sunday dinners and shit AND GOD AND THE DEVIL

and the parts of your fingernails you chew on when your a little scared and a little excited cause I swearrrr thats all people are.

so when I say keep breathing remember I really mean you don't always have to be choking on someones tongue
but I've been tripping on my own words like bodies on a battlefield so when I say cats got my tongue remember I really mean that making love these days tastes like blood and gunfire and i am
tired
of
this
war.

so i guess i just mean that I'm an asshole and
I'm a slut
but so is everyone else and the world manages to be beautiful sometimes anyways and somedays its not too hard to forget and the sky shines like the 4th of july in the morning and all the old men light a cigarette cause moments like these are worth dying for and some days we are not shades of gray but
an invincible
unapologetic
forever
rainbow.


[criticize it and make me cry please ]
« Last Edit: 31 Dec 2007, 14:00 by Mobius_Logic »
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Spinless

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Re: slam i wrote a little bit ago
« Reply #1 on: 25 Dec 2007, 18:23 »

I'd proof it for you, but with your weird formatting, I don't know if I'd be 'correcting' anything intentional.
I suggest you proof it yourself, and explain to me what you're trying to say, then I shall tell you what I think you did right and/or wrong, because I can say a LOT of things about this in it's current state and with my current interpretation. I think a lot of it is probably too personal and self referential to make sense, is that right?

it certainly makes you look very human!

What is it?
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Mobius_Logic

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Re: slam i wrote a little bit ago
« Reply #2 on: 28 Dec 2007, 16:51 »

yeah, ideally, I would have an mp3 of this or something because slams are really supposed to be heard not read. but the theme of this piece is that everything is three demensional, and that there is good and bad to everything. and I made it very personal on purpose because I felt that, even if people couldnt connect with the specific events I refer to I felt they could at least connect with the feelings behind them.

I already proofed it, and I tried to write it down sort of how I speak it but that is a bit hard, so if you have any suggestions please give them.
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sukuizuzu

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Re: slam i wrote a little bit ago
« Reply #3 on: 30 Dec 2007, 06:53 »

This piece was really really really moving. I like it a lot.
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Spinless

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Re: slam i wrote a little bit ago
« Reply #4 on: 01 Jan 2008, 05:12 »

I think you need to double check where your commas and apostrophes and quotation marks go, because whether they're at the end of the last line, or the beginning of a new one, it won't show up in 'how you speak'. With your comma usage, you'd think there were two distinct parts to each pause between lines. Maybe it signifies you raising and lowering an eyebrow or something, I don't know!

I think you should post an mp3. I hope you have a cool voice!
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meowmix

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Re: slam i wrote a little bit ago
« Reply #5 on: 01 Jan 2008, 20:24 »

/rez my account

I really enjoyed this. You could stand to work on the punctuation; but it's just a triviality.
Good show!
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imboden

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Re: slam i wrote a little bit ago
« Reply #6 on: 01 Jan 2008, 21:21 »

I've cleaned it up a bit for ease of reading.  Mostly, my critiques are more formatting to apply emphasis. 

Quote
I pulled out your favorite book again last night.
The one colored like night and time and safeway.
Fried chicken and look your lover in the eye and every color is that color.

It wasnt as good this time, i realized all the characters were assholes,
and sluts and that the author was lying when he said this meant something to him,
and really he just wanted a bite to eat and a few bucks for cigarettes,
and he's just tired of it because most books are read on the assumption that a sad person is a beautiful person,
and that if someone makes you cry you must be in love with them.

At your best you were blue and green and yellow and red, and I swear I saw you in the sky after the rain,
at your worst you were darker then a dead authors cigarette,
and now i think im a little closer to understanding my grandfather's sadness,
half-singing "you cant smoke anywhere anymore"

Who thinks of Joseph Stalin, 6 years old, happy cause its spring and,
"todays the day i get to ride my bicycle without training wheels"

Who thinks of Martin Luther King crying into his mothers arms because
the pretty girl just laughed at him when he asked her to homecoming

mother theresa mustve gotten horny once in a while

Hitler. Dreamed. Of. Becoming. An artist.

and sometimes the sunlight is like butter and it drips into your hair andyour eyes,
and even your cracks and crevices and all your dark places,
and you shine like the 4th of July in the morning,
and the world cries and it cries and it cries.
Because it's just too beautiful and it has no lover to hold it in this empty forever.
So it draws itself one with sidewalk chalk, and dandelions
and dreams and cheap moment and snow days and sunday dinners and shit and God and the Devil

And the parts of your fingernails you chew on when your a little scared and a little excited cause I swear thats all people are.

So when I say keep breathing, remember I really mean you don't always have to be choking on someones tongue.
But I've been tripping on my own words like bodies on a battlefield so when I say cats got my tongue remember
I really mean that making love these days tastes like blood and gunfire and i am. Tired. Of. This. War.

so i guess i just mean that I'm an asshole and, I'm a slut.
But so is everyone else and the world manages to be beautiful sometimes anyways.
And somedays it's not too hard to forget and the sky shines like the 4th of July
in the morning and all the old men light a cigarette cause moments like these are worth dying for.
Some days we are not shades of gray but. An invincible. Unapologetic. Forever. Rainbow.
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