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Author Topic: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About  (Read 37907 times)

calenlass

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Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« on: 12 Feb 2008, 01:16 »

1. An article from my English comp 1101 textbook.

Quote from: The Case Against Coldplay
June 5, 2005
 There's nothing wrong with self-pity. As a spur to songwriting, it's right up there with lust, anger and reed, and probably better than the remaining deadly sins. There's nothing wrong, either, with striving for musical grandeur, using every bit of skill and studio illusion to create a sound large enough to get lost in. Male sensitivity, a quality that's under siege in a pop culture full of unrepentant bullying and machismo, shouldn't be dismissed out of hand, no matter how risible it can be in practice. And building a sound on the lessons of past bands is virtually unavoidable.
 But put them all together and they add up to Coldplay, the most insufferable band of the decade.
 This week Coldplay releases its painstakingly recorded third album, "X&Y" (Capitol), a virtually surefire blockbuster that has corporate fortunes riding on it. (The stock price plunged for EMI Group, Capitol's parent company, when Coldplay announced that the album's release date would be moved from February to June, as it continued to rework the songs.)
 "X&Y" is the work of a band that's acutely conscious of the worldwide popularity it cemented with its 2002 album, "A Rush of Blood to the Head", which has sold three million copies in the United States alone. Along with its 2000 debut album, "Parachutes", Coldplay claims sales of 20 million albums worldwide. "X&Y" makes no secret of grand ambition.
 Clearly, Coldplay is beloved: by moony high school girls and their solace-seeking parents, by hip-hop producers who sample its rich instrumental sounds and by emo rockers who admire Chris Martin's heart-on-sleeve lyrics. The band emanates good intentions, from Mr. Martin's political statements to lyrics insisting on its own benevolence. Coldplay is admired by everyone - everyone except me.
 It's not for lack of skill. The band proffers melodies as imposing as Romanesque architecture, solid and symmetrical. Mr. Martin on keyboards, Jonny Buckland on guitar, Guy Berryman on bass and Will Champion on drums have all mastered the mechanics of pop songwriting, from the instrumental hook that announces nearly every song they've recorded to the reassurance of a chorus to the revitalizing contrast of a bridge. Their arrangements ascend and surge, measuring out the song's yearning and tension, cresting and easing back and then moving toward a chiming resolution. Coldplay is meticulously unified, and its songs have been rigorously cleared of anything that distracts from the musical drama.
 Unfortunately, all that sonic splendor orchestrates Mr. Martin's voice and lyrics. He places his melodies near the top of his range to sound more fragile, so the tunes straddle the break between his radiant tenor voice and his falsetto. As he hops between them - in what may be Coldplay's most annoying tic - he makes a sound somewhere between a yodel and a hiccup. And the lyrics can make me wish I didn't understand English. Coldplay's countless fans seem to take comfort when Mr. Martin sings lines like, "Is there anybody out there who / Is lost and hurt and lonely too", while a strummed acoustic guitar telegraphs his aching sincerity. Me, I hear a passive-aggressive blowhard, immoderately proud as he flaunts humility. "I feel low", he announces in the chorus of "Low", belied by the peak of a crescendo that couldn't be more triumphant about it.
 In its early days, Coldplay could easily be summed up as Radiohead minus Radiohead's beat, dissonance or arty subterfuge. Both bands looked to the overarching melodies of 1970s British rock and to the guitar dynamics of U2, and Mr. Martin had clearly heard both Bono's delivery and the way Radiohead's Thom Yorke stretched his voice to the creaking point.
 Unlike Radiohead, though, Coldplay had no interest in being oblique or barbed. From the beginning, Coldplay's songs topped majesty with moping: "We're sinking like stones", Mr. Martin proclaimed. Hardly alone among British rock bands as the 1990s ended, Coldplay could have been singing not only about private sorrows but also about the final sunset on the British empire: the old opulence meeting newly shrunken horizons. Coldplay's songs wallowed happily in their unhappiness.
 "Am I a part of the cure / Or am I part of the disease", Mr. Martin pondered in "Clocks" on "A Rush of Blood to the Head". Actually, he's contagious. Particularly in its native England, Coldplay has spawned a generation of one-word bands - Athlete, Embrace, Keane, Starsailor, Travis and Aqualung among them - that are more than eager to follow through on Coldplay's tremulous, ringing anthems of insecurity. The emulation is spreading overseas to bands like the Perishers from Sweden and the American band Blue Merle, which tries to be Coldplay unplugged.
 A band shouldn't necessarily be blamed for its imitators - as the Cure or the Grateful Dead. But Coldplay follow-throughs are redundant; from the beginning, Coldplay has verged on self-parody. When he moans his verses, Mr. Martin can sound so sorry for himself that there's hardly room to sympathize for him, and when he's not mixing metaphors, he fearlessly sings clichs. "Are you lost or incomplete", Mr. Martin sings in "Talk", which won't be cited in any rhyming dictionaries. "Do you feel like a puzzle / you just can't find your missing piece".
 Coldplay reached its musical zenith with the widely sampled piano arpeggios that open "Clocks": a passage that rings gladly and, as it descends the scale and switches from major to minor chords, turns incipiently mournful. Of course, it's followed by plaints: "Tides that I tried to swim against / Brought me down upon my knees".
 On "X&Y", Coldplay strives to carry the beauty of "Clocks" across an entire album - not least in its first single, "Speed of Sound", which isn't the only song on the album to borrow the "Clocks" drumbeat. The album is faultless to a fault, with instrumental tracks purged of any glimmer of human frailty. There is not an unconsidered or misplaced note on "X&Y", and every song (except the obligatory acoustic "hidden track" at the end, which is still by no means casual) takes place on a monumental soundstage.
 As Coldplay's recording budgets have grown, so have its reverberation times. On "X&Y", it plays as if it can already hear the songs echoing across the world. "Square One", which opens the album, actually begins with guitar notes hinting at the cosmic fanfare of "Also Sprach Zarathustra" (and "2001: A Space Odyssey"). Then Mr. Martin, never someone to evade the obvious, sings about "the space in which we're traveling".
 As a blockbuster band, Coldplay is now looking over its shoulder at titanic predecessors like U2, Pink Floyd and the Beatles, pilfering freely from all of them. It also looks to an older legacy; in many songs, organ chords resonate in the spaces around Mr. Martin's voice, insisting on churchly reverence.
 As Coldplay's music has grown more colossal, its lyrics have quietly made a shift on "X&Y". On previous albums, Mr. Martin sang mostly in the first person, confessing to private vulnerabilities. This time, he sings a lot about "you": a lover, a brother, a random acquaintance. He has a lot of pronouncements and advice for all of them: "You just want somebody listening to what you say", and "Every step that you take could be your biggest mistake", and "Maybe you'll get what you wanted, maybe you'll stumble upon it" and "You don't have to be alone". It's supposed to be compassionate, empathetic, magnanimous, inspirational. But when the music swells up once more with tremolo guitars and chiming keyboards, and Mr. Martin's voice breaks of the umpteenth time, it sounds like hokum to me.
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calenlass

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #1 on: 12 Feb 2008, 01:16 »

2. So White an de Sebben Dorfs


(Guys I think I want to be black and from the 1940s because then the sun will dance every morning when it comes up.)
« Last Edit: 12 Feb 2008, 01:24 by calenlass »
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #2 on: 12 Feb 2008, 05:36 »

The fact that Coldplay sucks is now on a curriculum somewhere is fantastic.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #3 on: 12 Feb 2008, 06:57 »

This piece forgets to mention how the grandiose, painstakingly-written hooks are the blandest thing since Wonderbread.

Other than that, well, we already know that good writing can put any band in a flattering light.

Also where does this asshole get off lumping Aqualung in with Coldplay and Keane?
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #4 on: 12 Feb 2008, 07:34 »

I actually quite like Keane and Athlete. To see them grouped in with Coldplay makes me sad.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #5 on: 12 Feb 2008, 08:13 »

(Guys I think I want to be black and from the 1940s because then the sun will dance every morning when it comes up.)

And you speak in jazz.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #6 on: 12 Feb 2008, 08:20 »

I still think that people need to stop comparing Coldplay to Radiohead. Thank god he didn't mention Muse.

While I can understand Keane being lumped in there (I find them more boring than Coldplay, sorry Keane fans), Aqualung, Athlete, and Travis shouldn't be, at least in my opinion.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #7 on: 12 Feb 2008, 08:44 »

The fact that Coldplay sucks is now on a curriculum somewhere is fantastic.

One step closer to realizing my dream of majoring in Coldplay Sucks.

(My minor would be Ronnie James Dio.)
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #8 on: 12 Feb 2008, 09:03 »

You better mean that Ronnie James Dio is awesome, if not, I am going to have to change my sig so that it no longer quotes you.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #9 on: 12 Feb 2008, 09:07 »

One step closer to realizing my dream of majoring in Coldplay Sucks.
tommy should be your thesis advisor.

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #10 on: 12 Feb 2008, 10:59 »

Tommy can advise me any day.





Guys you are not posting things you think everyone should know about. All of you fail.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #11 on: 12 Feb 2008, 11:16 »

I expect at least a full page of Coldplay bashing before this thread gets back onto its intended topic.  It's a popular topic.

Question!
What would you rather hear in an elevator?

a-Coldplay
b-Synthesized instrumental versions of Celine Dion songs
c-Some dude breathing too loudly with his mouth open

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #12 on: 12 Feb 2008, 11:24 »

To answer your question, I'd have to go with Coldplay, but only if its Clocks or Speed of Sound, the only two songs I like from them.  Everything else sucks.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #13 on: 12 Feb 2008, 11:52 »

Particularly in its native England, Coldplay has spawned a generation of one-word bands - Athlete, Embrace, Keane, Starsailor, Travis and Aqualung

Embrace released their first album two years before Coldplay, as did Travis.

Textbooks ought not to print things lies!
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #14 on: 12 Feb 2008, 12:01 »

 I saw So White like forever ago. Shit is more played than Adventure Time.

 This is something everyone should know about. And this.

 Just a warning, the second one is probably NSFW, since it contains almost nudity.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #15 on: 12 Feb 2008, 12:18 »

Question!
What would you rather hear in an elevator?

a-Coldplay
b-Synthesized instrumental versions of Celine Dion songs
c-Some dude breathing too loudly with his mouth open

C or B before A.
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calenlass

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #16 on: 12 Feb 2008, 13:01 »

Particularly in its native England, Coldplay has spawned a generation of one-word bands - Athlete, Embrace, Keane, Starsailor, Travis and Aqualung

Embrace released their first album two years before Coldplay, as did Travis.

Textbooks ought not to print things lies!

It was an article taken from a college newspaper and reprinted in the textbook.



Also with the Ronald McDonald link, I was creeped out until the "Ooooo" with the GOAL arms when the other three ronalds appeared.
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Johnny C

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #17 on: 12 Feb 2008, 13:04 »

c-Some dude breathing too loudly with his mouth open

Ah, I see you've met my brother.
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Lines

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #18 on: 12 Feb 2008, 14:40 »

Question!
What would you rather hear in an elevator?

a-Coldplay
b-Synthesized instrumental versions of Celine Dion songs
c-Some dude breathing too loudly with his mouth open

A! Celine Dion is far worse and elevators can be creepy enough without C. But I pretty much hate elevators. I'd rather listen to Coldplay than even be in an elevator in the first place.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #19 on: 12 Feb 2008, 17:18 »

I expect at least a full page of Coldplay bashing before this thread gets back onto its intended topic.  It's a popular topic.

Question!
What would you rather hear in an elevator?

a-Coldplay
b-Synthesized instrumental versions of Celine Dion songs
c-Some dude breathing too loudly with his mouth open



B- Who doesn't love Cline Dion (You don't have to answer), and synthesized instrumental versions of her songs = Total Genius!
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #20 on: 12 Feb 2008, 19:20 »

d - Merzbow

(I am so being fired from whatever hotel management job I ever end up in)
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #21 on: 13 Feb 2008, 00:41 »

That would be intense, trapping people in an elevator and playing Merzbow for 10 minutes, then turning the lights off and making them go down to the basement (also with the lights out). That would be so scary.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #22 on: 13 Feb 2008, 00:45 »

Damn it Dan. Now someone's going to do it.

I live in New York where someone is likely to fucking do it.

When I shit my pants I will blame you, internet.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #23 on: 13 Feb 2008, 00:53 »

Just remember when it happens to say to yourself "I'm not going to hell, I'm not going to hell."
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #24 on: 13 Feb 2008, 00:57 »

Tall white guys are far more likely to die because their lungs randomly collapse than anyone else.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #25 on: 13 Feb 2008, 00:59 »

Well, fuck.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #26 on: 13 Feb 2008, 01:02 »

Tall white guys are far more likely to die because their lungs randomly collapse than anyone else.

That happened to a friend of mine, but fortunately he survived.  The collapse was local and was only 15% of the lung.  Sure enough, he's tall, skinny, and white.
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calenlass

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #27 on: 13 Feb 2008, 18:44 »

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #30 on: 14 Feb 2008, 06:56 »

Kimya Dawson = King Buzzo?

   

The resemblance is uncanny.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #31 on: 14 Feb 2008, 11:16 »

Am I the only person in the world who honestly reckons that Coldplay are an alright band? By no means the world's best, but I have no trouble with listening to their stuff in pretty much any context (Y'know, with the possible exception of a wedding or baby shower...) A lot of their so-called "gloomy" or "self-pitying" stuff to me comes across as uplifting.

Anyway, back on topic with a thing I think everyone should know about.

http://www.spore.com/screenshots.php?movieID=7&play=hi

apparently, "Spore" finally has a release date.

I just wish it wasn't being published by EA....
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #32 on: 14 Feb 2008, 11:26 »

BAWWWWWWW

EA has been taking risks, trying to move forward the medium even with its bigger-budget games and defending its developers.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #33 on: 14 Feb 2008, 12:24 »

Just so long as Spore doesn't turn into another "Sims" series, I suppose.

also, go EA for that letter.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #34 on: 14 Feb 2008, 12:29 »

Fuck, I can't wait for Spore to come out. If it's canceled, or if it's not as innovative as claimed, I'm going to be seriously fucking flaccid.

Just thought everyone should know about my ridiculously huge Sporegasms.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #35 on: 14 Feb 2008, 12:44 »

EA is kind of like Microsoft these days. They realize they've been marked as a source of evil in their industry and that it doesn't help their sales or their images, so they're reaching out more within their industry to make amends and have started to end some of their more unethical practices. They're not even the largest video game publisher in the world anymore, and they've kind of started a new focus towards originality and exploration of ideas over rehashing the same games over and over.

Of course, Madden 20XX will never go away and they will always make sequels to their new games and just shuffle the production down the line to sweatshop coders, but they are actually trying to actually make new and interesting games. Their recent acquisition and nurturing of Bioware and Pandemic, I think, illustrates that.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #36 on: 14 Feb 2008, 15:22 »

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Sporegasms.

awesome.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #37 on: 14 Feb 2008, 15:55 »

Tall white guys are far more likely to die because their lungs randomly collapse than anyone else.
Happened to a friend of mine!
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #38 on: 14 Feb 2008, 19:31 »

Spore!



Dennis: D:
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #39 on: 14 Feb 2008, 20:56 »

Great guys, now every few weeks I'm going to become intensely aware of the fact that my lungs might implode at any moment.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #40 on: 14 Feb 2008, 21:44 »

I have a friend whose lung collapsed pretty much just for being a tall, skinny white guy. He's okay now though.
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #41 on: 14 Feb 2008, 22:28 »

Fuck I'm so glad that I'm not skinny and tall, i'm just right.


Oh shit, the first thing I thought when I said that was "Goldilocks would so put out for me"
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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #42 on: 15 Feb 2008, 00:41 »

Embrace released their first album two years before Coldplay, as did Travis.

Textbooks ought not to print things lies!
The only Embrace I'll recognize is the late 80's emotional hardcore band.
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Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is some sort of statistical/mathematical genuis and I'm hitting a gazelle in the head with a rock and screaming at the sky when there's a storm.

KharBevNor

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #43 on: 16 Feb 2008, 10:37 »

I'm not phased, the mucus and tar should keep hold my lungs in a good shape.
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[22:25] Dovey: i don't get sigquoted much
[22:26] Dovey: like, maybe, 4 or 5 times that i know of?
[22:26] Dovey: and at least one of those was a blatant ploy at getting sigquoted

http://panzerdivisio

calenlass

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #44 on: 17 Feb 2008, 06:15 »

I had the best idea and I thought I would share:

For those of you who don't celebrate Valentine's, next time you say "man I hate v-day" and someone goes "well that's just because you haven't got anyone to share it with", look at them and shout "right, because I broke up with my girlfriend last night just so I could be single today so you could say that to me" and burst into tears and run away sobbing hysterically.
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Hey everyone, I need to buy some new bookshelves. When I get back from Ikea and put them together you're all invited to the bookshelf launch party.

Patrick

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #45 on: 17 Feb 2008, 06:21 »

Katie told me I should post this delicious NSFW treasure.

It's pretty amazing.
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My long-dead band Troubador! licks your gentlemen's legumes on the cheap

öde

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #46 on: 17 Feb 2008, 06:28 »

What's going on in that video.
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Patrick

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #47 on: 17 Feb 2008, 06:57 »

Something amazing.
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My long-dead band Troubador! licks your gentlemen's legumes on the cheap

Patrick

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #48 on: 17 Feb 2008, 09:12 »

How do you freakin' think I came across it?
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My long-dead band Troubador! licks your gentlemen's legumes on the cheap

cupcakeonastick

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Re: Things I Think Everyone Should Know About
« Reply #49 on: 17 Feb 2008, 09:59 »

The only really good song by Coldplay is Swallowed in the Sea off of X&Y


Though I don't mind Rush of Blood to the Head too much.
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I've seen bears do things even a bear wouldn't do.
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