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[FoolOnTheHill]

I didn't know where else to post this, so I decided here is close enough...

So I started seeing this girl about 4 months ago and we really hit it off. We shared similar interests, liked a lot of the same music, same movies, and everytime we hung out we always ended us in sloppy makeouts or awesome sexing mode. Now, we never said we were an official couple or anything, but really, the things we did implied it quite strongly. She always says things to me like "I'm not your girlfriend you know" and such just to remind me, but I believe regardless we have a strong relationship. So we were happy, and for a time it was good...

Last night I came online and started talking to her on MSN. Never had she mentioned it before, but she brought up the fact that over this 4 month period she had been seeing other men..... and so I dumped her.

She went on saying "It was none of your buisness", "I never said we were exclusive", "you never asked" and "this is both our fault", but it didn't mean shit to me, so I dumped her and now am refusing to talk to her on any grounds. I feel utterly betrayed and played, and to make it worse I really did like her a lot...

So here's my questions to the QC audience since this series is all about the drama lately:

"Is it common courtesy to tell someone at the start of a relationship whether or not you're seeing other people at the same time?"

I feel quite justified in dumping her, and already have my opinion on the afore mentioned question, I just want your opinions.

Thank-you everyone.

[Rocketman]

Good show, old bean. *golf clap*

[benji]

I think the proper place for this post would probably have been the off topic forum which is currently called "I Like HURRRRR" or something like that.

But to your post: Sorry man. That really sucks. I probably would have had the same reaction as you. If I really liked her, I might try to work things out so long as she understood we were exclusive now. I would then break up with her later because I would get sick of feeling paranoid. 

I suppose it matters when you measure the start of a relationship. You don't need to say everything about your current situation on the first date*, but once it becomes clear that something is actually happening it's time to come clean. By 4 months in a relationship like you describe, I would expect to be told if there were other men.

*by the way, there are some things I would like to be told on the first date. Examples include "I'm married but I want to fool around," "I'm married, but he's really open minded and really, we just want a third," and "I have the clap."

[Hadrian Emrys]

Been through a similar situation myself. She wasn't honest with you, and you were manipulated and used. No matter how wonderful the person you thought she was, well, WAS, you now know shoe she really is. You did the right thing for you by seperating yourself from this person, sticking with her would only excuse her desregarding you and your feelings. The whole, we're not bf'gf thing should have been a clue, but I know how that is. When you fall for someone, subtle hints that things are amiss tend to fly over your head. It's a bitch only being able to see stuff like that in hindsight, but that's how some of us are doomed to learn I suppose. In any case, I have no idea how to do forge ahead, but my own experience tells me that the best you can do from this point is to try and let thhis whole thing go over time so that it doesn't eat you up and make you bitter. There are users, and abusers, in the world. You've seen that first hand. Yet, though I generally loathe the context with which this line is used, there are other fish in the sea. It would be a lot different if you simply viewed the girl as a good friend as benefits, but some of us have a hard time viewing things as such, esecially when they feel wronged by the third party. As you can tell, I'm a bit confused by my own version of this, so take the adivce with a fistfull of salt. Best of luck.

[Surgoshan]

Well, if you were sleeping with her and she was saying "I'm not your girlfriend", that should've been a clue that she didn't see it as a relationship.  Or at least not a relationship beyond benefriends.  You should've broken it off then if you wanted more. 

I'm really sorry this had to happen, man.

As to whether she should have said she was seeing others?  I think that's what she thought she was doing.  She was just pretty obtuse about it.

[FoolOnTheHill]

I think really what bugs me most about it all is she's shown no remorse over it at all

[Cartilage Head]

If you plan to stay on the forums for a while, let me impart some wisdom onto you.

GET A BLOG.

[bunnyThor]

I think really what bugs me most about it all is she's shown no remorse over it at all

Of course she doesn't! She said that she wasn't your girlfriend, yet you participated in the sex anyways. That makes her just someone you know that you also happen to sleep with, which gives you ZERO input on how she goes on with the rest of her life. You're just hurt because you assumed that you were more special and priveleged than anyone else, despite the fact that you had no reason to assume so.

If she *was* your girlfriend, there would have been some spoken agreement between both parties that this was the case. And if you had a declared and formal relationship, then you two could have discussed and agreed upon liberties and boundaries associated with the relationship. And if you had done all that, then you might have a right to be pissed at her. As it is, you have no right to be pissed off at anyone but your own fool self for believing things were different than what they were stated to be.

You don't get to have an exclusive relationship with someone unless both parties agree that you and that someone are in an exclusive relationship. Period. Anything else is just wishful thinking and denial.

[Cartilage Head]

Also, words like "Whore" aren't appreciated here when referring to women.

[sbakerj]

Okay, you dumped her. Get on with life, don't ask us to argue for or against your decision. I personally cracked up at your rendition. Wouldn't you at least ask what she meant when she said "I'm not your girlfriend you know"? So my advice to you is get an STD check, and don't call your ex a whore on a WEBCOMIC FORUM.

[FoolOnTheHill]

don't call your ex a whore on a WEBCOMIC FORUM.

Alright, maybe the term "whore" was a little inappropriate, but if you read what I put, I never actually called her a whore. The title of the thread is "Girlfriend/Whore Dictonomy" which is a play on "Maddona/Whore Dictonomy". People are infering I was calling her a whore, which I did not.

[karl gambolputty...]

I didn't know where else to post this, so I decided here is close enough...

That right there was probably not a great decision.  The correct place to have posted this would be not on a webcomic discussion forum.

"Is it common courtesy to tell someone at the start of a relationship whether or not you're seeing other people at the same time?"

Sounds like your ex was pretty explicit about the fact that y'all weren't in a relationship.

And, man, dictonomy, while being a fantastic word that I plan on using all the time from now on, is not really a word.  You're probably looking for 'dichotomy'

[FoolOnTheHill]

 You're probably looking for 'dichotomy'

I knew that didn't look right, damn

[tomselleck69]

Unfortunate situation, but it sounds like she was correct when she suggested you were both to blame.


And yeah I hope you didn't say dictonomy in front of her. That would be BAD NEWS BEARS

[benji]

Man, how did I miss the whole "I'm not your girlfriend" thing? Things like that are always good indications that she isn't interested in any sort of committed relationship.

[ubermensch]

I think the pertinent question here is that WHY were you not seeing other girls? You have a scarcity mentality. She is not special or unique. She is part of the 50% of the world's population with a vagina. The rest of the stuff just endears her more than the other girls.

Get your validation from your life. In 4 months you shouldn't have gotten so close that you couldn't just walk away at the drop of a hat.

I actually PREFER your situation over a committed, monogamous relationship. She flat out TOLD you (which is more than most girls would have done - subcommunication is king among girls) what the play was, and you still ignored that and hopped aboard the fucked-up emotional rollecoaster that isnt finished yet, and will just dump you off at the top.

You had the perfect thing going. All the awesomeness of closeness and sharing cool stuff and great sex with a cool chick (which she obviously was), without the restrictions on the rest of your life! WHY would you ruin this? Do you know how hard it is to keep multiple situations of this kind going at once? It takes a lot of my energy day to day, believe me

Remove this idea that any girl who spends a reasonable amount of time with you and likes you and fucks you is going to be exclusive with you. Its holding you back from experiencing some really amazing things.

[FoolOnTheHill]

You had the perfect thing going. All the awesomeness of closeness and sharing cool stuff and great sex with a cool chick (which she obviously was), without the restrictions on the rest of your life! WHY would you ruin this? Do you know how hard it is to keep multiple situations of this kind going at once? It takes a lot of my energy day to day, believe me

Remove this idea that any girl who spends a reasonable amount of time with you and likes you and fucks you is going to be exclusive with you. Its holding you back from experiencing some really amazing things.

See, here's the thing, I can't do that. I'm not like that and can't be cool with the fact that I'm just another guy in her man-harem. Yeah, we had some nice times, but now I feel they're all tainted by the fact she's been seeing these other guys and I was never told. Really I think her not telling me she was seeing other guys was bullshit. There's a difference between "I can't be your girlfriend" and "I'm seeing other men as well as you", and for her to not tell me something like that isn't right.

[bunnyThor]

See, here's the thing, I can't do that. I'm not like that and can't be cool with the fact that I'm just another guy in her man-harem.

If you don't want that, then you should be in an exclusive relationship. Since she didn't want to be in an exclusive relationship with you, you were risking the possibility that you were just one guy in her man-harem.

If this wasn't clear, then you should have asked before blithely sticking it in her. Your hang-up and your fault.

Yeah, we had some nice times, but now I feel they're all tainted by the fact she's been seeing these other guys and I was never told.

The only thing tainting the memory of those nice times is your attitude. And since she wasn't your girlfriend, you really had no say in who she was with, and no reasonable expectation of being informed either.

 

Really I think her not telling me she was seeing other guys was bullshit.

I imagine she feels the same about the hissy-fit you had. The difference is that she was up-front about her feelings, and you were ignoring that and making assumptions.

There's a difference between "I can't be your girlfriend" and "I'm seeing other men as well as you", and for her to not tell me something like that isn't right.

Which was it? "I'm not your girlfriend" or "I can't be your girlfriend"?

Regardless of which it was, it's pretty darn clear that she was not your girlfriend.

And since she was not your girlfriend, you had no say in who she was with or why she was with them.

[FoolOnTheHill]

You know BunnyThor, I agree with you a bit to be honest, she wasn't my girlfriend, but it still hurt like a bitch...

[est]

Posts like this are better left for the "I like HURRRR" forum, so that we may suitably chasten the poster for blogging about personal problems to strangers on a public forum.