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Author Topic: Strip try #2 Updated  (Read 16268 times)

Joim

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Strip try #2 Updated
« on: 20 May 2008, 09:29 »

Hello,
I'm trying to get a style and also testing my sense of humour, so I though it would be a neat idea to post the thing I done here!



It's 100% MS Paint.
And, I did never post try #1 :P

Constructive critics are very welcome, thanks!

Some posts below the updated strips
« Last Edit: 28 May 2008, 14:55 by Joim »
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rofflesaurusrex

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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #1 on: 20 May 2008, 16:45 »

I like your style but this has caused me no lulz. try again drawfag
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est

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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #2 on: 20 May 2008, 17:28 »

Also: not all comics need to be extremely funny.
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rofflesaurusrex

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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #3 on: 20 May 2008, 17:30 »

not saying it was obligated to being funny, but if someone was going for humor i think it should be just somewhat comical, for me this wasnt much
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Mr. Mojo

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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #4 on: 20 May 2008, 18:49 »

Is "drawfag" some sort of 4chan expression?

Why yes it is. 4Chan frightens me.
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imapiratearg

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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #5 on: 20 May 2008, 19:57 »

Grammar is your friend, unless you are doing cat macros.  In which case you should avoid grammar like the plague. 

Synonyms are grammar's homies, too.
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WriterofAllWrongs

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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #6 on: 20 May 2008, 22:42 »

"any alive being", eh?

The overall humour of the strip sounds like someone in your position would sound: like you are trying to be funny.  It takes a while to find a comical niche, I understand, but this is just kind of high-schoolish.  Get creative with it and you'll see a large improvement in your feedback.

As far as the art goes, it seems like you have some skill in MSPaint.  That's good.  The overall style isn't really eyepopping or anything but if you keep at it, it'll probably start looking a lot better and more original.

I like your style but this has caused me no lulz. try again drawfag

Hey man, at least he's not Jerkcity.
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Joim

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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #7 on: 21 May 2008, 06:12 »

First of all, thanks for all the feedback!

I will work on humour, I'm writing some scripts :)
As for my grammar, well, I'll check it twice now, I'll give the fault to the sucky spanish educational system, where the average english level is 0 xD

Well, I'll definately work on it :D
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imapiratearg

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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #8 on: 21 May 2008, 08:49 »

Here's the dialogue written to be bit more humorous:

Girl: "What on Earth are you doing?"
Boy: "I'm replacing Naruto dialogue with PHP and Java Script jokes."
Girl: "You are hereby the geekiest being alive."
Boy: "Says the girl with a Konoha symbol on her t-shirt."
Girl: "Don't make me break out my Jitsu on you."

I don't really watch Naruto, so I forget what they call their techniques or whatever.
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0bsessions

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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #9 on: 21 May 2008, 08:54 »

That's one of the biggest problems. You don't want your punchlines to hinge on obscure in-jokes. That's the easiest way for a strip to get old fast, unless ALL the obscure in-jokes are closely related. As it stands, you're digging yourself a pretty shallow niche of "computer geeks who like anime a whole lot." That's a niche of a niche. Not a very broad demographic.
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Joim

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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #10 on: 21 May 2008, 10:11 »

@imapiratearg: Indeed it's a great change, I'd go for "You hereby became the geekiest living form/person worldwide" or something like that on line 3, but the last line you wrote is definately much better :D It's spelled jutsu  :-P

@Obsessions: You got a point, however XKCD is quite successful x) Anyways, I don't want to make all my strips to be like that, I will post more with less obscure punchlines, once I draw them :)

Again, thanks for the feedback!
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0bsessions

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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #11 on: 21 May 2008, 10:21 »

First problem with that: XKCD doesn't generally serve both niches at the same time. It's nerdy, but I don't recall any anime references ever. One niche is fine, but adhering to two severely limits your audience. It'd be like having a video game strip with constant black metal reference in-jokes. Only people who enjoy video games AND black metal are going to get it half the time.

Second problem: NEVER assume because something flies in one strip, it'll fly in yours. That's the shortest road to becoming derivative. It needs to be your own, not just another ripoff of one popular comic.
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Joim

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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #12 on: 21 May 2008, 12:06 »

Obsessions, you are quite right! I'm trying to give it a personal touch, I just meant that a geek idea can work :p But a niche inside a niche is indeed too geek to keep it alive for long, however I guess time to time one strip of that kind won't hurt, or would?
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ImRonBurgundy?

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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #13 on: 22 May 2008, 17:06 »

First problem with that: XKCD doesn't generally serve both niches at the same time. It's nerdy, but I don't recall any anime references ever.

Also, the jokes tend to tie into larger themes about life, romance, etc.
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Re: Strip try #2
« Reply #14 on: 23 May 2008, 18:22 »

I like your style but this has caused me no lulz. try again drawfag

 Stop.
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Joim

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #15 on: 28 May 2008, 14:57 »

I worked a bit on it, this is what I got:

1. (Second version, first one to never see the light)


2.  (Second version)


3.


I'm already doing the design of the webpage, so no way to stop my awfulness I guess :D
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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #16 on: 28 May 2008, 17:00 »

"Got Fire"? How about "Got a Light?"
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WriterofAllWrongs

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #17 on: 28 May 2008, 20:36 »

Can't you just get a scanner or a tablet or some such and draw the damn comic? 

Hell, Photoshop would work.  The MS Paint is just to uneven.
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imapiratearg

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #18 on: 28 May 2008, 21:09 »

Maybe he or she likes that sort of look?  I'm pretty sure the dude who does LegoRobot Comics uses MS Paint.
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WriterofAllWrongs

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #19 on: 28 May 2008, 21:15 »

Well I'm not saying MS Paint just blows chunks, it's just that OP is not taking enough effort to make it look good, and I understand that this takes infuriating amounts of time, so drawing it seems more simple (and it would also allow for more stylistic touches.)
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Joim

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #20 on: 29 May 2008, 04:56 »

Get rid of her gat dam cheeks! They look swollen.

Also, you might not want to steal Penny Arcade-Gabe's t-shirt design.

I tend to draw that way girls, dunno why, I will work on it :P

Also, I had no idea that there was a character that used that design of t-shirt, I read few comics :|

"Got Fire"? How about "Got a Light?"

I will change it if that's the english word for asking a lighter, I just had no idea of how to translate it :P

Well I'm not saying MS Paint just blows chunks, it's just that OP is not taking enough effort to make it look good, and I understand that this takes infuriating amounts of time, so drawing it seems more simple (and it would also allow for more stylistic touches.)

Well, I like a lot Paint style, and I preffer to work onto it a bit more, since for me drawing and scanning or getting a tablet is quite more messy and difficult :P I have got no clue on using chinese ink or whatever, just pencil & pen.

I will try to re-do the drawing, adding more detail, background and shades, and why not, colour. Will update this once I'm done.

Thanks for the feedback!
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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #21 on: 29 May 2008, 06:05 »

This may sound rude, but I think you should consider either leaving it in your native language or getting a single person who is specifically fluent with English to translate them for you. As it stands, you're running the risk of the thing being more entertaining for the broken English than the actual content of the comic.
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Joim

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #22 on: 29 May 2008, 11:15 »

Would you mind telling me what's that wrong with my english? I knew spanish education sucked big time, but unless internet slang really got me in the wrong way, I used to have a 10/10 in exams :/

Also, our english subject is just about british english, and I could be messing with british/american english due to internet too...
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benji

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #23 on: 29 May 2008, 12:19 »

The middle panel in the first comic has a few grammar problems. It should be something like "don't you think you could be doing something more productive, like hanging out with friends, instead of making people hate you by nonsensically insulting everyone?"

In the last one, "do you have a light?" or "have you got a light?" would both work. I would also say you should change it to "he already has a girlfriend, bitch!" That might just be me; I don't like the word "got" unless absolutely necessary.

I don't know if you need an actual translator, or just an English language editor. You're getting pretty close on your own, but a native English speaker would probably be able to fix little things and make sure the grammar and slang are appropriate. 
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Joim

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #24 on: 29 May 2008, 12:25 »

I see, the you'd was for "you could", but your sentence version is quite better!
My main problem is that I don't check what I write, should do it more often, even when I want I forget about it :P

I will change the sentences, thank you :)
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0bsessions

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #25 on: 29 May 2008, 12:29 »

You'd is not a proper contraction for 'you could,' that works more for 'you would.'

I've also noticed many a slip up in your general discussion. Your English is fine for communication purposes, but actually publishing something you've written online would probably amount to a lot of mockery.

And Benji, running it through an online program would be an absolute mess. They don't properly translate for grammar, which is his primary problem.
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benji

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #26 on: 29 May 2008, 15:00 »

I didn't say anything about an online program. I meant finding a native English speaker who would be willing to look at his comics, correct the grammar and provide the proper slang. He's doing fine translating his own work in to English, at least to the point that it can be understood. He just needs an editor. Such a person may be easier to find then a full translator. A good translator should be fluent in both languages, and for a project like this, would need to be aware of current slang as well as proper English and Spanish. An editor would probably just need fluency in English, including current slang. Just about any English speaker with a strong command of grammar should do. Considering that Joim probably couldn't pay much/anything for this person's services, and that this would involve translating or editing a comic every day, it's probably best to keep the requirements simple.
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Joim

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #27 on: 04 Jun 2008, 14:22 »

Web translators suck, I will try better methods :P

By the way, I edited the first strip, now it has got a bit of colour. How does it looks now?
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bicostp

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #28 on: 04 Jun 2008, 18:44 »

The color looks good. 8)

The only problem with the script is the grammar and sentence structure. You're mostly correct, but there are some backwards phrases that just don't sound right. (Although English is pretty backwards compared to a lot of languages...) Here's a (quickly) edited copy of #3 as an example:



We understand what you're writing, but if this is something you want to show the world you might want to consider having someone proofread it first. Like someone said before, the grammar would, unfortunately, get more attention than the comic as a whole.
« Last Edit: 04 Jun 2008, 18:45 by bicostp »
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WriterofAllWrongs

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #29 on: 04 Jun 2008, 21:12 »

I just wish the comics were comically-inclined.
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imapiratearg

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #30 on: 05 Jun 2008, 13:00 »

He has the potential to be very funny!  This last one was fairly amusing, but could be funny with a bit better scripting.

Something like this has some real context for humor:

« Last Edit: 05 Jun 2008, 13:17 by imapiratearg »
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Dissy

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #31 on: 05 Jun 2008, 13:58 »

anyone else notice how the cup changes shape?
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Joim

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #32 on: 05 Jun 2008, 14:46 »

@bicostp: thanks!
@imapiratearg: wow, the script looks quite nicer that way, I will change it after the colouring!
@Dissy: That sort of things happen when you don't copy&paste everything ;P
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twilightneko

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #33 on: 05 Jun 2008, 15:22 »

hmmm.. I'm still trying to see why you would change "fire".. I use this all the time.. I guess it's where I'm from,  it's slang? I never ask for a light I always ask "got fire?" and so do my friends.. hmm.. that's odd.. oh so you don't ask.. born and raised in California.. ^_^
I liked the comics though, they remind me of my friends, and I've seen that "drink" incident happened before.
LMAO imapiratearg that was hilarious.
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Nodaisho

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #34 on: 05 Jun 2008, 15:32 »

I am wondering if the got fire is supposed to have two different meanings? I mean, for example, a flame is a term for a love interest, and it could also be someone asking for a light, though I can't say I have ever heard someone ask that way.

It seems like something got lost in translation from the Spanish, I don't see why the girl threw the drink at the other, is the girl supposed to just be overly possessive and think any woman that talks to him is hitting on him?

Course, it could be that asking someone for a light is a way of hitting on someone, I don't have experience in either field.
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Joim

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #35 on: 05 Jun 2008, 15:37 »

Here it's a way, also the girl understood the 2nd girl asked her out too, however I'm going to use imapiratearg's change, quite better. I should think twice a script, and not making the first I think x)

So, now I'm in doubt. "Got fire?" or "Got light?"?
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twilightneko

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #36 on: 06 Jun 2008, 09:12 »

\So, now I'm in doubt. "Got fire?" or "Got light?"?

Usually you will hear "Got a light?" but not always, I actually asked a couple of people and some said fire, others said light, and one even said "got spark?"...... wtf? But I guess it's how others talk around you. So yeah I'd choose "light" if it was for a comic.
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benji

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #37 on: 06 Jun 2008, 12:39 »

Got a light is certainly the one I've heard most often, though I've also heard "got a spark." I've never heard "got fire" before, but since I don't smoke, I'm not the most current on smoker slang. I think "got a light" will be more familiar to more people, but I could be wrong.
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imapiratearg

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #38 on: 06 Jun 2008, 16:10 »

\So, now I'm in doubt. "Got fire?" or "Got light?"?

Usually you will hear "Got a light?" but not always, I actually asked a couple of people and some said fire, others said light, and one even said "got spark?"...... wtf? But I guess it's how others talk around you. So yeah I'd choose "light" if it was for a comic.

It appears to me like it might be regional.  Here in the states or in the U.K., you usually hear "Got a light?"
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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #39 on: 06 Jun 2008, 18:40 »

In Germany, I just shout 'FEUER! FUR MEINE RAUCHEN!' at people and point at my unlit cigarette.

I only go to Germany to attend metal festivals and have spent 95% of my time in that fair nation completely shitfaced.
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nursethalia

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #40 on: 28 Jul 2008, 12:26 »

I think the style is really cute, but the jokes need some work.
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Erik the Hack

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Re: Strip try #2 Updated
« Reply #41 on: 03 Aug 2008, 13:20 »

Yeah, I think the art is interesting but no laughs for me so far.  Then again, I didn't get some of the references.
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