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[Dewey Decimal]

Yep the topic title says it all.

Last night my very drunken friend came out with:

"If you had as much leather as you wanted, cows would be endangered"

I wonder if he remembers saying that? So what's been the funniest thing said to you?

[Patatat]

HAHAH AH AH AH AHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HA HA AH AH AH AHA

[Scandanavian War Machine]

read www.overheardinnewyork.com

it's much funnier than you or your friends.

[Wasteroo]

Quick tip for the new posters:

Starting a thread with your first (or even second, or fifth) post is never a good idea. You will be reviled no matter what you have to say.

[KvP]

Conductor on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, this last weekend I went to a club...never again. I walked in, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. I saw a beautiful lady across the bar, went up to her and said, "Where have you been all my life?" She said back to me "I think for the first half of your life, I wasn't born." This is 59th, Columbus circle, have a good day, ladies and gentlemen.

Awesome.

[Wasteroo]

Suit to another: It's so weird because there are so many people at the office who you'd never think to picture naked... Like Marcy: you'd never picture her naked. Alex: you'd never picture him naked. Derek: I've never pictured him naked.

Best one.

Edit:
Nevermind, I topped it.

Middle-aged white guy: ...so we told the children they couldn't go to the petting zoo, to see how they would react. (pause) It was interesting on a psychological level.

[Professor Snuggles]

Quick tip for the new posters:

Starting a thread with your first (or even second, or fifth) post is never a good idea. You will be reviled no matter what you have to say.

Because with your seventy posts you are a master of the forum?

[Wasteroo]

I never said that. Admittedly, I've lurked far longer than I've actually posted, but that was a bit of friendly advice, not an admonishment. I'm not lording anything over anybody. I'm trying to help new posters not be torn apart by the people with 1000+ posts.

[Coward]

Shit.

Here I was thinking the more posts I had, the bigger my genetalia would be.

[Scandanavian War Machine]

it only starts getting bigger after 300 posts.

there has to be a buffer to keep people from trying gain a quick inch without doing any actual work.

[Lunchbox]

You know sometimes when new people start posting, they start posting quality threads. There was nothing wrong with this one aside from the fact that it's "What was the funniest thing anyone's ever said to you," not "What is the funniest thing you can find on overheardinnewyork.com."

[Wasteroo]

Whoops.

[RobbieOC]

it only starts getting bigger after 300 posts.

there has to be a buffer to keep people from trying gain a quick inch without doing any actual work.

Isn't this what "The Kenny" thread was all about?

[0bsessions]

Here I was thinking the more posts I had, the bigger my genetalia would be.

Duh. Why do you think Tommy started posting on a new account?

[Wasteroo]

I think that's the most self-deprecating thing I've ever read you type, Anyways.

[Cartilage Head]

 This is actually a really good idea for a thread.

 The funniest thing ever said to me was by my brother. He pushed me down and said in a very serious voice, "A very merry unbirthday!" and punched me in the face.

[nobo]

"...ok, so you're really going to find this funny. We had this fat guy come into surgery today and i had to help tape has ass cheeks to the hospital gurney with super strength hospital duct tape so we could operate on his butthole"

-my gf describing her first week of her surgery rotation.

[imapiratearg]

My friend Ryan and I were joking around about this girl we know, and he said tried to (jokingly) say "That's when you rape the shit out of her,"* and it came out as "shitting rape." So we made shitting rape jokes for the next ten minutes while laughing hysterically.

*Neither Ryan nor I condone rape, ever, at all, whatsoever.  It is an awful, terrible thing.

[yelley]

my high school biology teacher.
'so the colors of the spectrum. roy g biv. so that's red... orange... yellow........ um.... g..... blue.... indigo.... purple.'

customer service clerk at walmart, while i am trying to return a circular knitting needle that came apart as soon as i opened it.
'so it broke into two pieces? that's good, isn't it? how could you knit if they were tied together like that?'

jason, in a context known to some of you and better left unknown to the rest.
'back to melon fucking.'

[Wasteroo]

It seems weird that your teacher would've forgotten green, of all colors, over violet or indigo.

[Liz]

jason, in a context known to some of you and better left unknown to the rest.
'back to melon fucking.'

She speaketh the truth, lords and ladies.

[tania]

one of my favourites comes courtesy of a girl i lived with a couple of years ago. we were at a restaurant that supplied trivial pursuit cards at every table.

"okay sarah, this is a drug named after the greek god of dreams, morpheus."
"oh, that's methane!"

[imapiratearg]

*Facepalm.*

[ruyi]

so i got told i was cute this one time,

[Leinad]

One of my female coworkers got asked what happened to the food case (there were no pastries in it) and she said "the football team came in and ate us all out."

[20 jazz funk greats]

The point of the post count, however, is as big as Lunchy's dick: It's literally nonexistant.

hahah.

um i dunno, i've gotten a lot of ridiculous insults over the past few days.
apparently i have a" frumpy exterior" and look like i have facial paralysis and wear a wig and am just generally ugly and mean-spirited and jealous of every single girl on the internet, even the ones who are actually dudes in real life.
that's news to me.  

edit-i guess that's only funny if you know what i look like.

[Professor Snuggles]

so i got told i was cute this one time,

lol

[Inlander]

'so the colors of the spectrum. roy g biv.

That's a terrible mnemonic. "Richard of York gave battle in vain" works much better. Plus it doubles as a history lesson!

[Johnny C]

Famously, Darryl's dad once called These Estates my "failed band."

[David_Dovey]

Darryl's dad can see the future?

[Johnny C]

Or the present, depending on your point of view.

[Tom]

I friend of mine was once trying to end a dispute and said, "this may be a cheese burger but I like pineapples".

[Luke C]

"I'll punch you so hard your head will go into your skulll"

How that makes any sense is beyond me, and also now the friend who said it to me.

[blanktom]

so i got told i was cute this one time,

lol

i hovered over that link and saw the website was named 'www.instantrimshot.com'. i think being on the internet so long has taught me to be very very wary of such sites.

i clicked on it anyway. it was totally innocent. i was, i'll admit, slightly dissapointed.

[tania]

"I'll punch you so hard your head will go into your skulll"

amazing

[yelley]

That's a terrible mnemonic. "Richard of York gave battle in vain" works much better. Plus it doubles as a history lesson!

i scrolled down to reply to this and by the time i got to the bottom i had forgotten your mnemonic already. i don't really find it all that hard to just remember red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet... but i'll sill be sticking with roy g biv. thanks anyway, harry. <3

[Scrambled Egg Machine]

In my AP Bio class there was this incredibly pathetic nerd who would tell stories. The teacher would respond with "... And you will never get that five minutes of your life back. Thanks, Ryan." With perfect deadpan delivery. Mr. Lawson was at the same time both totally awesome and a total dick.

[KvP]

I had a friend when I was a kid who told me "I like pain, just not when it hurts." I think that about wraps up a boy's desire to be macho as much as anything I've ever heard.

[RedLion]

jason, in a context known to some of you and better left unknown to the rest.
'back to melon fucking.'

I never said that!

[yelley]

your name is jason too? i don't think we've been properly introduced. hi, i'm yelley. 

[SonofZ3]

While fishing down a small local stream one day I came upon an elderly gentleman. I said "Morning sir" to which he replied "My wife won't let me do anything." I just nodded and continued on downstream.

[SilentJ]

My brother drunk dialed me a few days ago and was telling me about how awesome the trip he was on was, and how he had managed to get out of work the next morning with what he called the "only five words you need."  Now, knowing my brother, I was bracing myself for just how far he was willing to go to get out of work; "my grandma died last night," "my mom's in the hospital," "I shot my own foot," etc.  But no, he had to top 'em all:




"There's blood in my stool."

[supersheep]

Today, I'm waiting to for one of my housemates to arrive home, because I've cunningly left my keys at home again, and an old lady walks past. I nod, say "Hi" or something, and smile at her. She says that she's had a bad day, and I think to myself, fair enough, so have I. She walks on.
Then she starts ranting at me, all the way down the street, shouting at me. Why? Apparently, our mailbox is horribly offensive because it has the number 25 on it. Leaving aside the fact that it actually says 2S, what the everliving fuck?

There was also the extremely drunk guy at a music festival four years ago who continually claimed to everyone that he would "Kill you in the face."

[ThePQ4]

read www.overheardinnewyork.com

it's much funnier than you or your friends.

I whole-heartedly agree with this statement.
I also throw out: Not Always Right which is a lot of the stupid (but hilarious) things that customers have said to those of us in the customer service/retail/sales biz.

[Jimmy the Squid]

Back when I was a market research interviewer I made a call to a home run business, asking to speak to the person who handles the finances of the business (going to the bank, paying the bills etc...). A guy picks up the phone, he was 50 if he was a day, and I ask to speak to the finance person and he replies "Oh, that's Melanie*, my wife. She usually handles that sort of thing." So I obviously ask if I can speak with her and without missing a beat the guy just says

"Oh, nah sorry mate, I don't let her use the phone."

*Names have been changed because I honestly can't remember what they actually were.

[Storm Rider]

your name is jason too? i don't think we've been properly introduced. hi, i'm yelley. 

This is your cue to run frantically, RedLion. Just to let you know.

[philharmonic]

My younger brother when we were like 10 or 12 ish "Go push ten thousand mushrooms" instead of the usual "Go f@#$ yourself"

[Ballard]

A friend singing out of boredom while waiting for a train:

"She was an American girl.. livin' in a lonely world. Oh wait.. shit."

Same friend:

"I'm just saying, a lot of songs are about anal sex. And seriously, it doesn't even matter."

My 9th grade music teacher while describing every instrument in an orchestra pit:

"The contra-bassoon.. well shit, basically it looks like a really big bong."

[RedLion]

This is, in no way, the funniest thing that anyone's ever said to me, but it's been cracking me up all week. I was talking to my friend Seth; he was in Chicago riding the L, telling me a story about something, but something more interesting to me was on TV, and I said "cool, but you're missing ____" (I can't remember for the life of me what it was.) His response--and he is the whitest man ever, and has never used this word before--"I got TiVo, nigga!"

It was funny enough for him to say it, but we have both begun taking that line out of context and using it in nonapplicable situations. Such as:

My roommate: "Aren't you going to go to bed? It's 3 A.M."

Me: "I got TiVo, nigga!"


This probably isn't the least bit humorous to anyone reading this, though. In fact, it probably makes me sound like an ass. And soon it will just become one of those inside jokes between friends that they pretend are still soooo hilarious, but theyboth really know that it's just stupid now and not funny at all, yet they still laugh at it.

[yelley]

This is your cue to run frantically, RedLion. Just to let you know.

so bryan, are you implying that i fuck up people's lives or something? just curious.