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Author Topic: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved  (Read 5364 times)

tommydski

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I have secured the services of an expert in both of these fields. What I need now is questions from you: QC Forums.

Maybe you have a personal problem or a serious relationship issue. The gentleman in question will answer any problem you can think of in due time. His answers will be frank and straight to the point. Think hard about your questions and ask yourself if you can handle the truth. This modern guru of personal advice will also give answers relating to fashion, socio-political concerns, sexual health advice, food, music and many other subjects. Think of this thread as an opportunity to have something which has been bugging you for some time.

Remember, this is the questions thread. The better your questions, the more entertaining and informative the response thread will be. If you would like to remain anonymous, please use an alias and PM the question to me. Otherwise, please post to this thread directly with the following heading -

Dear Jonah,

I will ask other people to refrain from posting responses in this thread. Please PM them to the person who poses the question instead.
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #1 on: 17 Sep 2008, 17:07 »

Dear Jonah,

I am a very bright person but remarkably intellectually lazy. I have had no success in changing this over the course of the last ten years of my life and so I am thinking it's probably here to stay. My question is: what is a sweet career path I can choose to take optimal advantage of the fact that I am lazy as fuck, but still quite quick on my feet (brain?) and rather clever? Or am I going to be stuck pulling beers and cussing at drunks for the rest of my life? (that is ok too)

Love, Brett
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fatty

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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #2 on: 17 Sep 2008, 17:13 »

Dear Jonah,

There is this guy who keeps contacting me, online while I attempt to go about my daily business. He solicits sexy relations and often asks for "nekkid pix kthxbai". What do I do? How do I make Tommy stop stalking me?

Love, Fatty
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #3 on: 17 Sep 2008, 17:15 »

Dear Jonah,

My ex boyfriend is being a complete woman about everything, and because of my situation I spend most of my day around him, and some of my marks rely on him. School is very important to me right now because I'm trying to go to art school. Either way, he's being a huge woman about our break up and refuses to cut the bullshit. Yet I can't get away with him.

How do I become friends again so this year will be tolerable?

Also, How do I stop being worried and neurotic. Solve my self esteem issues.

Love,
Andy Candy
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #4 on: 17 Sep 2008, 18:03 »

Dear Jonah,

Should I shave my pubes or let 'em grow?  I guess the ladies kind of like that thing, so I wasn't sure if I should give it a try, or something.  Thanks!

Love,
imapiratearg
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #5 on: 17 Sep 2008, 20:44 »

Dear Jonah,

When I hit my wife she cries and also bruises rather easily.  I guess I don't really mind much about the cryin because I can just turn up some music or something but the bruises make her look ugly.  What is your opinion on the various bruise creams available at the moment?

Thanks bro,
Butch
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #6 on: 17 Sep 2008, 21:15 »

this is about to be the best thread
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #7 on: 17 Sep 2008, 21:23 »

About to be?
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #8 on: 17 Sep 2008, 21:25 »

I think he means when Tommy comes bearing the replies.
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #9 on: 17 Sep 2008, 21:42 »

Dear Jonah,

I went to a party and was given a drink by a strange man. Then things get foggy. I woke up next to a dead woman. I am about 50% positive I wasn't the one that killed her. But I cannot prove it. Please help!

Love,
Robbie
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #10 on: 17 Sep 2008, 22:06 »

Dear Jonah,

HOW IS BABBY FORMED
HOW IS BABBY FORMED
HOW GIRL GET PRAGNENT

Regards,
TheLetterM
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #11 on: 17 Sep 2008, 22:29 »

Dear Jonah,

I really want to meet a lady because I here that having sex with ladies is really cool and stuff. All the ladies I know think I'm gross though, and they only yell at me when I stare at them through their bedroom windows. Should I be more direct with my intentions? Should I maybe also go for their moms? I really would like to be with the ladies because all my friends talk about how cool it is and when I say that I have been with the ladies too they're all like "did you give her a cleveland steamer" and I don't know what that is and then they know that I never had sex and it makes me feel bad. Also, what exactly does a condom do, does it catch the babies so the ladies can't grow them or what? I really want your help because ladies are supposed to be really cool.

Thank you sir or mamm
-Ladeesman99
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #12 on: 17 Sep 2008, 22:38 »

If this thread gets any more awesome, I fear for the bounds of reality.



Because it will be too awesome.
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #13 on: 17 Sep 2008, 22:56 »

Dear Jonah

Who the fuck put the ram in the ram a lam a ding dong?

This has been bugging me for ages.
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #14 on: 17 Sep 2008, 23:14 »

Dear Jonah

I have no friends. I want friends but whenever anyone tries to talk to me I'm all STFU BITCH and I get the hell away from them because I hate people. I can't get therapy because I'm terrified of human contact. Will I ever have friends?
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #15 on: 17 Sep 2008, 23:58 »

Dear Jonah

What is the correct method to go about stealing a girl away from her boyfriend? cos this girl is the awesome and we were clearly destined to be together and how dare this jerk get in the way of fate. I have thought about killing him, but doubt I could get away with it and then she'd be all depressed cos her boyfriend died, and destiny clearly shows us together and happy, so this doesn't fit. 
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #16 on: 18 Sep 2008, 00:40 »

Dear Jonah

I recently started playing the online MMORPG World of Warcraft. Whilst I was playing, a more experienced player started talking to me. He was ever so nice, and helped me out with quests, and sent me some gold, and we started chatting. He even sent me a kitten! Since then, we've been spending more and more time "together" online and he's suggested that we could maybe meet up IRL sometime too and although we live on different continents I confess that I would very much like to do so. My wife doesn't know anything about this yet, but she is worried that I seem to be spending more time than normal on the computer.

So, my question is: Should I spec prot for tanking or holy for healing on my new pally toon?

Love,
parm
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #17 on: 18 Sep 2008, 00:48 »

Dear Jonah,

Is it possible to die from rectal bleeding?

Please hurry,
Spluff
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #18 on: 18 Sep 2008, 00:57 »

Dear Jonah,

Im planning on making a pastasauce, out of mushrooms, glazed onions and creme fraiche, however, i have the idea this sauce needs a bit more. Thus, i implore thee oh great Jonah, what else would work well within this concoction?

Sincerely,

Verergoca
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #19 on: 18 Sep 2008, 00:59 »

Dear Jonah

What is the correct method to go about stealing a girl away from her boyfriend? cos this girl is the awesome and we were clearly destined to be together and how dare this jerk get in the way of fate. I have thought about killing him, but doubt I could get away with it and then she'd be all depressed cos her boyfriend died, and destiny clearly shows us together and happy, so this doesn't fit. 

Framing him for murder works better than just cold murdering him. If he's in jail he's not gonna interfere and if she thinks he's murdered a guy then you'll look like the good guy no matter who you are. Plus you get to be the villain in a revenge action movie when he gets out!
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #20 on: 18 Sep 2008, 03:42 »

Dear Jonah,

Is it lunchtime yet? I'm hungry.

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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #21 on: 18 Sep 2008, 03:51 »

Dear Jonah,

The one huge problem I have is that the women seem to think I am gay. I know I dress a little bit eccentric at times, and am a generally shy and quiet dude, but what the hell gives? I don't want to change myself around just to get ze women!
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #22 on: 18 Sep 2008, 05:24 »

Dear Jonah,

I'm very much in love. But I am not confident in the bedroom and would like to rectify that. My girlfriend definitely loves me, and I love her. She's great. We met and fell in love pretty quickly and we do everything together!! Alas because I am not sexually confident we have trouble connecting in that way. I've tried everything - roleplay, S&M, sushi - and I just can't break that sexual barrieer that seems to be between us. It is really making me upset so I sure do hope you can cheer me up with an answer to my question:

If I stick a hockey stick really far up my ass will I be able to scratch my own tonsils? They're really itchy!


Yours with caveats,

Pete 13 and a half.
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #23 on: 18 Sep 2008, 05:36 »

Dear Jonah,

Is it possible to die and/or have a near-death experience when having blood drawn for medical tests? I am pretty sure it is not, but I would just like to know, so that I can call out someone on their bullshit.

Thanks!

Calenlass
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #24 on: 18 Sep 2008, 08:18 »

Dear Jonah,

Who is Jonah (This is not a rhetorical question, I keep forgetting)?

Sincerely,
Jon
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #25 on: 18 Sep 2008, 08:58 »

dear jonah,

do you have any advice on what i can do to sleep better and worry less that doesn't involve cutting caffiene out of my diet? i don't really have any more than just the one cup of coffee every morning, and i guess i could do without it but i'd prefer for that to be kind of a last resort.

tania
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #26 on: 18 Sep 2008, 10:21 »

Dear Jonah,

Do you think a Margarita should have ice in it? Because I have always been taught to strain it into a chilled cocktail glass sans ice but the internet is telling me time and time again that a Margarita has ice in it. It just seems silly to put ice in a cocktail glass! There is not a lot of room and drinks barely stay in the fucking things as it is.

Love, Brett
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #27 on: 18 Sep 2008, 10:40 »

Dear Jonah

Where is the best place to hide your drugs and illegal pornography if you know the cops are coming round. I figure they search all the obvious places. I was thinking like, inside the television or something.
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #28 on: 18 Sep 2008, 10:48 »

Dear Jonah

Does (x-1.5)(x+2)=x^2+0.5x-3?

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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #29 on: 18 Sep 2008, 12:26 »

Dearest Jonah,

Why do my hands smell like maple syrup?

Sincerely,
John
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tommydski

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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #30 on: 18 Sep 2008, 12:34 »

Thread requirement: More realistic, genuine problems and fewer glib, joke questions.

Not a reflection of anyone in particular but I am unlikely to waste the gentleman's time with the more pointless queries.

Thanks.
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #31 on: 18 Sep 2008, 12:48 »

Dear Jonah,

is there a way to get a over a crush that has lasted for years but going nowhere when youi have to see that person literally every day until you graduate? This is a serious question.

Jens

Also, yes. Answer please!
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #32 on: 18 Sep 2008, 13:47 »

Dear Jonah,

I'd like to meet a nice young lady who shares my interests but i have no idea where i should go to look. I don't really enjoy drinking much, so bars aren't really ideal and most likely the girl i'm looking for wouldn't be found in a bar anyway. Barring bars (har har), i can't think of any other places where i might meet a sweet lady. i guess there's a college nearby...i could go...uh...hang out there in my free time? cause that's not creepy or weird at all.
i guess i should just start going to more concerts, since one of my primary interests in life is music, anyway. 

So, where do all the cool young women hang out?


sincerely,
Danny


P.S. i guess it might be relevent that i'm 21 years old and work full time.
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #33 on: 18 Sep 2008, 13:49 »

Dear Jonah,

Hey there, long time listener, first time caller.

So, I've liked this girl for about a year, right? And I've recently just found out she may like me as well (from a friend of hers and some old drunken ramblings she gave me). But now she has a boyfriend.

The catch is, she was reluctant to tell me she has a boyfriend. She went an entire month without telling me, and then I only found out through a phone conversation I overheard her having (and she still denied it).

I'm going to a party with her tomorrow.

What do I say? Do I make a move? If I piss off her boyfriend, it'll be fine, because I could totally kick his arse.

Sincerely,

Thomas "Not Actually The Real Thomas Edison" Edison
« Last Edit: 18 Sep 2008, 13:51 by Thomas Edison »
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #34 on: 18 Sep 2008, 14:07 »

Thread requirement: More realistic, genuine problems and fewer glib, joke questions.

Not a reflection of anyone in particular but I am unlikely to waste the gentleman's time with the more pointless queries.

I'm sorry Tommy, I'm an asshole.

A more serious problem:
I have fairly ridiculous self-confidence issues. I do not get particularly upset when I fail, but when  I do it around others--or even think I'm doing a shitty job, I tend to have a fairly hard time getting simple tasks done. When it comes down to it I'm fairly good at things like public speaking, but I tend to avoid them under most circumstances.
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I think it's because your 'age' is really only determined by how exasperated you seem when you have to stand up.

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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #35 on: 18 Sep 2008, 14:15 »

Lord Jonah,

I refer you / Tommy / whoever to this post that I made. My problem is that I need to acquire a habit, something that I can do often that I can build on so I'm at the very least more interesting. I'm not particularly talented in any of the arts. I need suggestions. Thx.
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #36 on: 18 Sep 2008, 14:40 »

I'm sorry Tommy, I'm an asshole.

Not at all.

The wording on this thread isn't great and for one reason or another I can't make it clearer. I'm trying to wean results out of people for personal reasons and as a result, nobody but me is responsible for the content of this thread. Since ultimately, the responses thread will hopefully be entertaining at the expense of all of us, this is highly selfish of me and probably a bit mean. I'm hoping if it's funny enough, it will justify this potential dick move on my part.
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #37 on: 18 Sep 2008, 15:32 »

Jonah, m'honkies be all stepping on my turf and putting their moves on my girl. Suggestions?
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #38 on: 18 Sep 2008, 15:52 »

My question is legit. I want to know because the girl who claimed to have a phobia of needles because during a blood test she "almost died once" said this in defense of having never gotten STD tested and her boyfriend wanted her to after she cheated on him and she won't, and her attention whoring and one-upping everyone she talks to and endless flirting with and leading on of dudes who are not her boyfriend even though she is supposed to be in a committed mono-amourous relationship are really getting on my nerves.
« Last Edit: 18 Sep 2008, 15:54 by calenlass »
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #39 on: 18 Sep 2008, 17:18 »

Dear Jonah

Today a good friend of mine asked me out. I have liked him on and off for a few months. But when it came down to it, I muttered something about "if I think about it logically, no, but if I think illogically, yes" and sort of ran away.
How do I remedy the situation? Because we'd be pretty good with each other, but he has a few problems that might make it hard.
(it may be relevant that I have exactly zero experience with romantic/physical relationships, which is one of the reasons I'm asking the internet...)

yours
Lila
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #40 on: 18 Sep 2008, 17:32 »

Dear Jonah,

Recently a woman expressed physical and possibly more complicated attraction to me.  I am attracted to her in part because she is the best example I've ever seen of a sort of archetype that my last girlfriend was trying to emulate ... in other words, in a way, she's the best I've seen yet at being what my previous partner wanted and still wants to be.  This is really hot but also really intimidating because for the last few years I haven't really had any relationships in which my partner was also my teacher, so this would basically be the first time in a while that I've felt attracted to someone as a role model in addition to my attraction to them physically.  I don't know how strongly I should come on to her because I know that she's almost certainly going to be more comfortable and centered than me no matter what and I don't know how much I can put myself out there before I get really uncomfortable myself.  Should I go for broke and proposition her as directly as possible, or build a more conventional friendship instead and hope that her (rather overwhelming) sexuality is enough to lead us in the direction of partnership and/or sexual exploration?  She's really incredibly comfortable with herself and I don't think I'm in a position to throw her off.  This is kind of the first time that someone else has had me at a distinct disadvantage in quite a while.  How much of my own comfort zone should I risk?
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also at one point mid-sex she asked me "what do you think about commercialism in art?"

Melodic

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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #41 on: 19 Sep 2008, 09:18 »

Dear Jonah,

       My girlfriend of four years and I are starting to enter the "responsible" part of our lives, and as such are looking at school options for the first time since the start of our relationship. She is a small-town girl at heart and wants to stay in the village that we currently reside, whereas I am more interested in moving to a much larger city, to both live and learn.

        She is not prepared to move with me to the city, and I'm unsure if I'm prepared to ride out an education in a place that so poorly jives with me. Do I go to the city alone and abandon a serious relationship, or do I obey the inner Romeo and live in a place I hate for another four years?

        Love and kisses,
                              -Fraser
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And if you played too hard it'd flop out and dangle around by the wire and that is just super ugly

imapiratearg

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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #42 on: 19 Sep 2008, 09:37 »

Alright, I'll be serious.

Dear Jonah,

My question is similar to that of Danny's.  I am looking for a lady who basically gets me on every level, like a best-friend but more than that.  I've had experience with ladies before, but all my exes have been the same, mopey, messed up girls over and over again, and I want a nice, cheerful, not-fucked-up lady who is as care-free and easy-going as me.  I've had trouble finding such ladies.  Lately, it seems like either the ladies I like are not interested in me, or something.  I'm not sure what it is.  I am pretty confident in myself, I am outgoing if a bit awkward at times.

Suggestions?

Sincerely,
Imapiratearg
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #43 on: 19 Sep 2008, 09:58 »

       My girlfriend of four years and I are starting to enter the "responsible" part of our lives, and as such are looking at school options for the first time since the start of our relationship. She is a small-town girl at heart and wants to stay in the village that we currently reside, whereas I am more interested in moving to a much larger city, to both live and learn.

        She is not prepared to move with me to the city, and I'm unsure if I'm prepared to ride out an education in a place that so poorly jives with me. Do I go to the city alone and abandon a serious relationship, or do I obey the inner Romeo and live in a place I hate for another four years?

Man, I know this is a specific thread, but this one has to be fielded:

Go to the school you want to and do not drag her along with you. It's wrong of either of you to expect one to sacrifice their life goals for the other. If you are growing in a different direction, the amount of time you have been together as yet is not a relevant factor. You'll either have to try to work a long distance relationship or go your separate ways if you really want to be happy. The alternative is for one of you to go with ther others' plan and risk future resentment from the party who had to sacrifice their desires for the other. Love is sacrifice, yes, but you don't just give up your goals and ideals for someone else at this stage in life. That potential resentment generally kills relationships anyway, which leaves you single AND aimless.
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #44 on: 19 Sep 2008, 15:51 »

jon is right. the key word is resentment. really big compromises you don't like and all that kind of stuff should always be avoided in any kind of relationship if possible. no matter how much you ignore it, it's there and it makes itself known and sabotages the relationship eventually.
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Not to sound mysoginist, but I hate women.

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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #45 on: 19 Sep 2008, 16:01 »

I'm not gonna use that question because it's too important for a glib reply.

Jon and Tania are right. Relationships are fleeting, your education stays with you your whole life. No offence but I would give her the choice of following you to the city or try to make it work long distance if you really think she's worth the hassle.
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #46 on: 19 Sep 2008, 16:06 »

Actually, Tommy, I have to disagree with you there. I think the choice should simply be "long distance or no relationship." It would be just as cruel of him to expect her to sacrifice her ideals for him as it would be for her to ask the same of him. If their lives grow in a different direction, that's simply how things go and neither should be expected to throw their plans down the shitter to accomodate the other.

That suggestion seems very out of character for you, Tommy. Would I be correct in venturing a guess that you missed the part where he seemed to imply that they're both looking at school?
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I've decided to give up psychology and become a peacock
Quote from: Tommydski in Gabbly
JON MADE ME GAY

Tom

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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #47 on: 19 Sep 2008, 16:14 »

Dear Jonah,

Yesterday a friend of mine kissed me, he's a guy and he was real passionate about. I stood stunned for awhile and he just ran away. I tried talking to him about it over MSN this morning but he won't reply back. We've been friends for a very long time, since primary school and he's a pretty cool guy. I don't want to loose him as a friend and I'm certainly not into him the way he is into to me. What do I do? Is there a way I can sort this out without hurting his feelings really badly? Can things ever be like the way they were before? I'd appreciate the advice.

Tom
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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #48 on: 19 Sep 2008, 16:35 »

That suggestion seems very out of character for you, Tommy. Would I be correct in venturing a guess that you missed the part where he seemed to imply that they're both looking at school?

Yeah, I missed that bit.

I figure he should just lay his cards on the table and say he's open to whatever she wants to do with herself.
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Quote from: Ozymandias
One minute we're playing Mario Kart, the next my penis is in your mouth - it just happens.

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Re: Your Relationship and Personal Problems Are Solved
« Reply #49 on: 20 Sep 2008, 05:47 »

This thread is pretty shit now, sorry.  You gave no explanation as to whether this was a joke thread or not.  In essence I believed it was just going to be you answering the questions as "Jonah", and from the initial questions it looks like a few others did also.  Then you came in later and discarded a whole load of the first questions because they were joke questions, but later say that other questions are "too serious for a glib reply".

I was already bracing myself for you giving people absolutely awful relationship advice to people, but now I am at the stage now where I don't really give a fuck what this Jonah guy has to say.  Goodbye, thread!
« Last Edit: 20 Sep 2008, 05:49 by est »
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