First off, a confession. I suck at cooking. My speciality dish is usually soup a la cup, beans presented on a bed of toast, or if I'm feeling particularly lazy, microwave ready meal. So today I figured I'd try to actually cook a proper meal. It went so awesomely, I've decided to share the recipe with y'all.
"The Sausagefest"
Ingredients:
4 sausages
Jar of Bisto Cumberland Sausage & Onion Sauce (purple label)
A Granny Smith apple
A medium sized red potato
2 of those reet nice big mushrooms
Lea & Perrins Sauce
Salt & Pepper
Cooking Oil
Bit of milk
Some butter
Stuff:
A cooker (this one's pretty essential)
Frying pan
Saucepan (with lid)
Glass casserole dish
Some wooden spoons
Potato masher
First, turn on the hob, put the frying pan on it, whack in a bit of oil. When the oil's warm and all that, put the sausages in, and turn them over every 30seconds or so. When you're not turning the sausages, keep yourself busy by peeling the apple, and cutting half of it into tiny, tiny bits. When the sausages are nearly done, drain any excess oil and throw in the apply-bits. Swish it all around with a wooden spoon until the apply-bits are brown.
At this point, it's important to observe Ramsay's first law of cookery. So, take the time to call the microwave a wanker, flip the middle finger at the toaster, and tell the wooden spoon to fuck off. If anyone asks what you're cooking, shout in their face that "it's a luxury sausage bastard, you prick!" Done that? Excellent, now pour the sausages and apply-bits from the pan into the casserole dish, pour the sauce over it, put the lid on, and whack it all in the oven at 180degrees. Now, you've got a few minutes to kill, maybe eat the rest of that apple? Go on, you've earned it!
After a few minutes, peel the potato, chop into pieces and place in the saucepan. If you're wondering why a red potato, the lady at the market said they make the best mash. But it's still the same colour inside, so if you can't find a red one, maybe just get a normal one and paint it red or something. Anyway, fill the saucepan with water until it's just above the tates, and place that lot on the hob.
While the potatoes are boiling, wash and rinse the frying pan, as you'll be needing it again shortly to cook the mushrooms. Also, after the sausage mixture's been in the oven for about 20 minutes, take it out (it should go without saying that you should use oven gloves/folded tea-towel for this, although I managed to forget this bit and rather loudly suggested that the oven might be of the sort that engages in intercourse with its mother), add a few drips of Lea & Perrins, a bit of salt and pepper, stir well, and put back into the oven. It'll want about another 15mins.
Once the tates are boiling nicely, turn the heat down, put the lid on the saucepan, and leave to simmer for a bit. In the meantime, rip out the stalks of the mushrooms, and put the frying pan on the hob with a blob of butter in there. When that's melted, throw in the mushrooms (whole) and the stalky bits. Let them brown for a couple of minutes each side, and then turn the heat down, and cover them with the lid from the saucepan so they can steam for a bit.
While the mushrooms are steaming, drain the tates, add butter and/or milk and mash them until nice and creamy. By this time, the sausage mix ought to be about done, and you're ready to serve! First, put all the mashed potato onto the plate and shape it into a kind of fort around the edge. Bear in mind that all good forts have turrets. Due to my lack of a masher, I'd used a wooden spoon, leaving lumps in the mash, giving the fort a little more structural integrity...
Drain the butter off the mushrooms, and place them on top of one another at the edge of the fort to make a little tower. Pour the sausage mixture into the middle of the fort, and throw the mushroom stalky bits on the top of it. Sorted!
Now, all that remains is to enjoy the hell outta eating it, and then silently dread the immensity of the washing up which lies ahead...
