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Author Topic: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill  (Read 20512 times)

Gilead

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Welcome to history lessons with Professor Gilead, tonight I'm here to talk to you about the most badass motherlicker to ever serve in the second world war, I am, of course, talking about Jack Churchill, aka. Mad Jack Churchill, aka. Fighting Jack Churchill.


Jack Churchill was brought to this earth on September 16th, 1912, in Hong Kong, presumably via the normal method, although it is difficult to speculate what mere woman could have given birth to such a man.


Why is Jack Churchill such a magnificent bastard you ask? Well shut up. I'm going to tell you you a few stories about this beautiful moustachioed stallion.

Mad Jack Churchill was a leiutenant-colonel in World War 2, he was awarded several prestigious honours for his many achievement, including best Moustache and Most Likely To Kill a Man By Looking At Him. He was renowned for carrying 3 deadly archaic weapons in to battle, a basket hilted claymore, a longbow, and the bagpipes. He was once quoted as saying "any officer who goes into action without his sword is improperly dressed".


They weren't just for show either, Jack used them on several occasions, including signalling an attack against a German unit by shooting the enemy officer dead with his longow from across the battlefield.


On another occasion, Jack, armed with only his claymore and the world's greatest moustache, captured 42 German soldiers, by taking them by surprise. Jack had not a fuck to give about danger. He knew mere men could not hurt him.


Jack finally met with misfortune when he attempted to lead a group of commandos to capture a vital hill for the British army, he succeeded in taking the point, but only 6 of his men survived, several of whom were injured, not only that, but they were armed only with revolvers and a single carbine, and a German batallion was advancing on the hill, Jack and his men fought anyway until they ran out of bullets and a mortar round killed or gravely injured everybody in the unit besides Jack. He was understandably disgruntled about the lack of moxy his men showed in dying.


Since he had no ammo and the Germans were too far away to cut in half with a sword, Jack settled for the next most offensive option, he pulled out his bagpipes and played 'Will Ye No Come Home Again' until the Germans finally shut him up by knocking him out.

With grenades.

Jack was mistaken for a relative of Winston Churchill and taken to Berlin in a plane.


Which he set on fire*


Soon the Germans realised their mistake, since keeping Jack in Berlin would pose a danger of him punching hitler to death single handedly, they decided to ship him to Sachsenhausen concentration camp, or old Sachsy for short. Jack did not particularly care for old Sachsy, so after a little leisure time spent playing billiards and catching up on good books he hadn't gotten around to reading, he escaped.


Unfortunately, Jack was tracked down and recaptured by the Germans, realising that even old Sachsy couldn't hold him, they decided to transfer him to an even more secure concentration camp. Which Jack also escaped from.


Jack spent 8 days trekking through the Austrian mountains, eating vegetables stolen from people's gardens out of an old tin can, on the 8th day he spotted an American armoured column and flagged them down, he convinced them he was really an officer and hitched a lift back to the allied lines.

Tune in tomorrow for the rest of History Lessons with Professor Gilead to learn the rest of Churchill's story, including his adventures after the war!

*Alright, this isn't true, he only attempted to set the plane on fire, they found the blaze before it could actually take out the plane.
« Last Edit: 05 Dec 2008, 05:00 by Gilead »
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öde

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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #1 on: 05 Dec 2008, 05:16 »

I'm growing a moustache and a kilt.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #2 on: 05 Dec 2008, 05:19 »

Dan, you can't grow a kilt. You have to make it.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #3 on: 05 Dec 2008, 05:24 »

If you have grown a kilt, you should probably get that checked by a doctor.

Also, Jack Churchill is pretty fantastic.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #4 on: 05 Dec 2008, 06:19 »

It's even funnier to me because there is a Highland museum near me which has pictures and stories of people that are almost just like this, even with the original claymore they took to battle.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #5 on: 05 Dec 2008, 06:23 »

I'm pretty sure I can grow a kilt, being part Scottish.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #6 on: 05 Dec 2008, 07:02 »

So, being part Scottish allows you to grow a kilt?

Guys I am going to grow a kilt! It is going to be fabulous, just wait and see.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #7 on: 05 Dec 2008, 07:10 »

Dan, you can't grow a kilt. You have to make it.

Shhhh...Let the boy dream.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #8 on: 05 Dec 2008, 08:21 »

Jack Churchill was brought to this earth on September 16th, 1912, in Hong Kong, presumably via the normal method, although it is difficult to speculate what mere woman could have given birth to such a man.

September 16th, 1912 was just the date he chose to take on a human form. Mad Jack is actually an Originary Being.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #9 on: 05 Dec 2008, 09:10 »

Gilead,

I think that you and Kate Beaton should get together and make beautiful history based comics together.
Or become arch-rivals.
Either or.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #10 on: 05 Dec 2008, 09:40 »

GIlead, you stay the hell away from Kate Beaton.

I am going to marry her and she's going to teach me Canadian.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #11 on: 05 Dec 2008, 09:42 »

Or make beautiful history babies.
Either or.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #12 on: 05 Dec 2008, 09:46 »

Bravo Gilead Bravo.  The horrified nazi looking up his kilt almost had me in stitches.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #13 on: 05 Dec 2008, 10:31 »

This thread was probably more historically accurate than Braveheart
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #14 on: 05 Dec 2008, 11:41 »

What about his dad? I mean, he would've had to have been a pretty badass character. Badassery is hereditary, see.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #15 on: 05 Dec 2008, 14:46 »

His father was thunder. His mother was the wind.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #16 on: 05 Dec 2008, 14:55 »

His nanny was steel and his teachers a rock and a hard place.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #17 on: 05 Dec 2008, 16:10 »

Good sir, your threads just get better and better.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #18 on: 05 Dec 2008, 16:20 »

Do not encourage this varlet.

His intentions are ill and his desires reprehensible.

If you continue to promote his posts and threads, he will infect us. He will wrap his tendrils around our necks and we will have no recourse.

Resist. Resist and flame. Purge the threat.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #19 on: 05 Dec 2008, 16:27 »

Hey man, just cause he has intentions to steal away your awesome Canadian webcomic maker doesn't mean you can't like him.  In fact, competition breeds creativity
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #20 on: 05 Dec 2008, 16:48 »

Do not encourage this varlet.

You're just pissed because he's a real person and not someone's gimmick. 

To spite you I will now seduce the shit out of Kate Beaton.
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Gilead

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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #21 on: 05 Dec 2008, 17:00 »

I don't know about seducing her, but I'd sure like to collaborate with Beaton, her and KC Green are my favourite cartoonists.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #22 on: 05 Dec 2008, 17:10 »

Dear God, this is wonderful.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #23 on: 05 Dec 2008, 17:12 »

collaborate with Beaton

Is that what you crazy kids are calling it these days?
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #24 on: 05 Dec 2008, 17:27 »

Dear Gilead, this is wonderful.
Corrected. I think God has no part in this awesomeness. He just made Gilead, nothing else.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #25 on: 05 Dec 2008, 17:45 »

Metaphysical discussions aside, the emphasis should be on wonderful.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #26 on: 05 Dec 2008, 18:18 »

I call shenanigans!

I cannot find any supporting evidence online that Fighting Jack Churchill did indeed wear a mustache during WWII.  See images:

He did sport a pretty sweet full beard after the war though.



I believe you are confusing the mustachioed man with Winston Churchill's brother, John Strange Spencer-Churchill (or Jack Churchill for short).


or I could be completely wrong.
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Gilead

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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #27 on: 05 Dec 2008, 18:24 »

The only picture I actually found was an above shot of him directing some troops with his claymore in hand, it looks like he (and everyone else in the picture) have a moustache, so I decided to draw him with an awesome one.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #28 on: 05 Dec 2008, 18:51 »

It's decided:

he had a Ninja mustache!
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #29 on: 05 Dec 2008, 19:02 »

He probably grew it out in a couple minutes to inspire his men in that photo.  Nothing is more manly than growing a mustache by pure force of manliness.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #30 on: 05 Dec 2008, 20:24 »

They weren't just for show either, Jack used them on several occasions, including signalling an attack against a German unit by shooting the enemy officer dead with his longow from across the battlefield.

Sweet motherfucking fuck.
« Last Edit: 05 Dec 2008, 21:44 by David_Dovey »
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #31 on: 05 Dec 2008, 21:44 »

Dan, you can't grow a kilt. You have to make it.

Bullshit. I too am half-Scottish and look what I did just by thinking medium-hard



Of course being half-Scottish it is really just a towel that looks like a kilt but still not bad all things considered.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #32 on: 05 Dec 2008, 21:47 »

Dovey, just to warn you I think your Battles t-shirt is going to go to war with your kilt-towel over which is more hardcore.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #33 on: 05 Dec 2008, 22:12 »

Dovey, why does your shirt have a bunch of nameless amp heads, 9 Fender Twin Reverbs, 4 nameless 2x12s, three nameless 4x12s, and another 11 Marshall 4x12 cabinets on it.

Who in the shitting fuckcunts would ever display that much power when it would serve only to tempt Mad Jack Churchill into a duel.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #34 on: 05 Dec 2008, 22:15 »

I think Stanier would win.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #35 on: 05 Dec 2008, 22:17 »

You know why Mad Jack died, don't you? Back in '96, he and Dovey had a duel.

I think you can gather the result yourself.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #36 on: 05 Dec 2008, 22:19 »

You're hilarious but obviously you didn't notice my scrawny girl arms. I can't even use a longbow. Enough about me, more about the guy who was born smoking a pipe
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #37 on: 05 Dec 2008, 22:51 »

A clay pipe. He didn't even smoke tobacco, he just set the clay on fire.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #38 on: 05 Dec 2008, 23:08 »

oh Dovey,
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #39 on: 06 Dec 2008, 06:29 »

Dan, you can't grow a kilt. You have to make it.

Bullshit. I too am half-Scottish and look what I did just by thinking medium-hard

All I'm getting out of this is your shirt, and HOW UP THERE that cymbal is compared to the drum kit.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #40 on: 06 Dec 2008, 09:59 »

That's how I have my cymbal. I throw my stick and hope I hit it.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #41 on: 06 Dec 2008, 10:09 »

Stanier doesn't need to hope.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #42 on: 06 Dec 2008, 10:17 »

you guys realise that that is not an accurate representation of Battles' stage setup right

right
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #43 on: 06 Dec 2008, 10:22 »

stop ruining my fun
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #44 on: 06 Dec 2008, 11:03 »

Man how fucking amazing would it be if that WERE their actual stage set up.

I mean, they could use a forklift or something, but it still probably wouldn't get the job done. I'm guessing there'd be a small crane with a guy on a ladder directing the whole operation from up close.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #45 on: 06 Dec 2008, 11:48 »

Lots of ewoks and pulleys could do it.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #46 on: 06 Dec 2008, 12:20 »

hey gilead, why don't you start a webcomic or something. like, host it somewhere that isn't the qc forums.

not that your threads aren't great or anything. because they are. but having your own place would be nice. i'd read it.

just saying, is all.
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Gilead

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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #47 on: 06 Dec 2008, 18:18 »

I am actually planning on starting a webcomic sometime soon, the only things standing in my way are a) I haven't finished inking some of my starting backlog and b) I have not the slightest clue how to make or code a website. So if anyone knows anything about that and wants to help me i will pay you in rape dollars gratitude and drawings.
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #48 on: 06 Dec 2008, 18:27 »

get keenspot to host for you!

(haha no, not really.)
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Re: History Lessons with Gilead: Mad Jack Churchill
« Reply #49 on: 06 Dec 2008, 18:50 »

Whenever you do, definitely tell us. 

As for help on the website, if no one here offers to, shoot Jeph an e-mail, ask him how he did it.
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