Welcome to history lessons with Professor Gilead, tonight I'm here to talk to you about the most badass motherlicker to ever serve in the second world war, I am, of course, talking about Jack Churchill, aka. Mad Jack Churchill, aka. Fighting Jack Churchill.
Jack Churchill was brought to this earth on September 16th, 1912, in Hong Kong, presumably via the normal method, although it is difficult to speculate what mere woman could have given birth to such a man.
Why is Jack Churchill such a magnificent bastard you ask? Well shut up. I'm going to tell you you a few stories about this beautiful moustachioed stallion.
Mad Jack Churchill was a leiutenant-colonel in World War 2, he was awarded several prestigious honours for his many achievement, including best Moustache and Most Likely To Kill a Man By Looking At Him. He was renowned for carrying 3 deadly archaic weapons in to battle, a basket hilted claymore, a longbow, and the bagpipes. He was once quoted as saying "any officer who goes into action without his sword is improperly dressed".
They weren't just for show either, Jack used them on several occasions, including signalling an attack against a German unit by shooting the enemy officer dead with his longow from across the battlefield.
On another occasion, Jack, armed with only his claymore and the world's greatest moustache, captured
42 German soldiers, by taking them by surprise. Jack had not a fuck to give about danger. He knew mere men could not hurt him.
Jack finally met with misfortune when he attempted to lead a group of commandos to capture a vital hill for the British army, he succeeded in taking the point, but only 6 of his men survived, several of whom were injured, not only that, but they were armed only with revolvers and a single carbine, and a German batallion was advancing on the hill, Jack and his men fought anyway until they ran out of bullets and a mortar round killed or gravely injured everybody in the unit besides Jack. He was understandably disgruntled about the lack of moxy his men showed in dying.
Since he had no ammo and the Germans were too far away to cut in half with a sword, Jack settled for the next most offensive option, he pulled out his bagpipes and played 'Will Ye No Come Home Again' until the Germans finally shut him up by knocking him out.
With
grenades.Jack was mistaken for a relative of Winston Churchill and taken to Berlin in a plane.
Which he set on fire*
Soon the Germans realised their mistake, since keeping Jack in Berlin would pose a danger of him punching hitler to death single handedly, they decided to ship him to Sachsenhausen concentration camp, or old Sachsy for short. Jack did not particularly care for old Sachsy, so after a little leisure time spent playing billiards and catching up on good books he hadn't gotten around to reading, he escaped.
Unfortunately, Jack was tracked down and recaptured by the Germans, realising that even old Sachsy couldn't hold him, they decided to transfer him to an even more secure concentration camp. Which Jack also escaped from.
Jack spent 8 days trekking through the Austrian mountains, eating vegetables stolen from people's gardens out of an old tin can, on the 8th day he spotted an American armoured column and flagged them down, he convinced them he was really an officer and hitched a lift back to the allied lines.
Tune in tomorrow for the rest of History Lessons with Professor Gilead to learn the rest of Churchill's story, including his adventures after the war!
*Alright, this isn't true, he only
attempted to set the plane on fire, they found the blaze before it could actually take out the plane.