Topic: Fuck My Life (Read 9145 times)

eddie · « **on:** 22 Feb 2009, 12:10 »

Today, a child sitting next to me on the bus pointed at me and asked: "Mommy, when it's not a man and it's not a woman, what is it then?" FML

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend, he is 6'2 and i am 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML

Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with comdoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML

Today, I walked by my roommate and his girlfriend while they were hugging. I asked "what's up lovebirds?". Turns out they were in the middle of a breakup. FML

Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad proceeded to warn me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML

Today, on campus, these really overly-happy people walking around with big signs saying "free hugs". When I walked towards them, their smiles faded, and they put their signs down. FML

http://www.fmylife.com/

Slick · « **Reply #1 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 12:15 »

Quote from: eddie on 22 Feb 2009, 12:10

Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with comdoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML

Sir or madam you are mistaken. This one is awesome.

Lines · « **Reply #2 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 12:18 »

Yeah, I think it'd be more of a "fuck my life" if it was all either thrown away or you had to explain what all of it was and how to use it to your mother.

snalin · « **Reply #3 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 12:28 »

Quote

Today, My mom walked in on me and my 2 year crush about to have sex. When she saw us she said "oh I'll just wait outside, I know it wont be long anyway." FML

When your mother makes fun of your sexual performance, you know it's bad.

eddie · « **Reply #4 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 12:31 »

Today, I drove my girlfriend home around 11 to her garage where we start to have sex. When she comes to climax she slips and hits her head. Her parents heard the crash and came down, we were both still naked and she was unconscious. FML

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidently sent it to my dad and got a text back saying "You definitely take after your mom". FML

Today, my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up. I told him that I'm in love with him. He said "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob." FML

Reed · « **Reply #5 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 12:38 »

Quote

Today, while walking through the fragrance area in a shopping center a women behind me asked; "Excuse me miss, would you like to sample our new fragrance line." I'm a 19 year old male. I turned around expecting her to correct herself. She didn't. FML

Sadly, this is why I will never grow my hair out again. I never understood how a waitress could mistake someone with a full beard and fairly broad shoulders for a woman, but it happened more times than I'm willing to admit.

Slick · « **Reply #6 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 12:38 »

Oh wait you are just posting things from that site? I kind of liked the idea that there was someone out there who had that much shit going on. Also that there was someone out there with roommates who still had their mom clean their room.
Also the first two work really well in conjunction.

imapiratearg · « **Reply #7 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 13:04 »

Quote from: fmylife.com

Today, I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom's dog than pictures of me around the house.

Hehahaha! I feel terrible for laughing at some of these.

E. Spaceman · « **Reply #8 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 13:13 »

Yah, I had the mental image of a really androgynous dwarf going though daily life.
This may be because i am watching david lynch films.

Tom · « **Reply #9 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 13:33 »

Fuck My Blythe

JD · « **Reply #10 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 14:16 »

Quote from: fmylife.com

Today, while working on a carpentry project with my friend at 2am, and enjoying some beers, I cut my hand and realized I needed medical attention. Neither of us being in driving shape, I knocked on my parents bedroom door to request a ride. I was told I had to wait for them to "finish." FML

Awkward!

Yakob · « **Reply #11 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 14:44 »

Quote from: FML

Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML

This one definitely goes in the "not fucked, awesome" category.

michaelicious · « **Reply #12 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 15:19 »

My pinky finger on my left hand has been asleep all day.

FML?

est · « **Reply #13 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 17:07 »

oh man, this one:

Quote

Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML

Metope · « **Reply #14 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 17:40 »

Quote

Today I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites- and ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML

These people are clearly meant for each other.

Dazed · « **Reply #15 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 17:48 »

Quote

Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

This is the worst thing.

Johnny C · « **Reply #16 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 18:36 »

Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo doo,
Fuck everything, fuck me
~Titus Andronicus, "Titus Andronicus," The Airing Of Grievances

Darkbluerabbit · « **Reply #17 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 18:46 »

Quote from: Rupert Holmes

Today I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites- and ended up meeting my own girlfriend. I read in her profile that we like the same alcoholic beverages though, so it's okay.

Reed · « **Reply #18 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 18:48 »

Quote

Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML

I think this might be one of the saddest ones I've read so far.

Ozymandias · « **Reply #19 on:** 22 Feb 2009, 18:52 »

Quote from: Darkbluerabbit on 22 Feb 2009, 18:46

Quote from: Rupert Holmes
Today I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites- and ended up meeting my own girlfriend. I read in her profile that we like the same alcoholic beverages though, so it's okay.

You are a wonderful person.

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #20 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 06:33 »

I couldn't save her. If I had been there just a few moments earlier maybe things would be different. FML

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #21 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 06:35 »

My husband doesn't love me and my children ignore me. FML

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #22 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 06:36 »

I've never kippled. FML

Gurkburk · « **Reply #23 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 07:30 »

I don't know how to kipple. FML

Puki · « **Reply #24 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 07:39 »

I don't even know what does kipple mean. FML

öde · « **Reply #25 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 07:48 »

I'm on my way to court in a suit and a tie. Ah, come on FML!

KvP · « **Reply #26 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 07:58 »

Sometimes I get so angry and it makes me want to cry. Ah, come on FML

clockworkjames · « **Reply #27 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 07:59 »

I thought FML was just something you said on a bad beat at the poker table. Then BM linked it on irc and brix were shat yo.

Christophe · « **Reply #28 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 08:42 »

I was a clever soft drink created by executives but apparently I wasn't market-friendly enough.

Bowers · « **Reply #29 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 08:51 »

Quote

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

...damn

onewheelwizzard · « **Reply #30 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 11:07 »

Quote

Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. FML

::wince::

Ozymandias · « **Reply #31 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 11:49 »

Quote from: Christophe on 23 Feb 2009, 08:42

I was a clever soft drink created by executives but apparently I wasn't market-friendly enough.

Every soft drink I've ever loved has been discontinued. FML.

DonInKansas · « **Reply #32 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 13:37 »

I saw a ball flying at my spouse's head.

Duck, my wife!

Trollstormur · « **Reply #33 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 14:01 »

Today, my mom said to me "You and your dad like all the same foods right? Try this for me", she then proceeds to give me a strawberry flavored jelly. I say that it tastes good and ask what she gave me. "It's my new nipple cream, I want to surprise your dad tonight." FML

I'm gonna write up larry david moments from Curb and input them into this.

it's a social experiment.

benji · « **Reply #34 on:** 23 Feb 2009, 14:04 »

It seems like most of the ones from that sight about relationships/sex could be solved if the people writing would just stop sleeping with complete ass holes.

MrBlu · « **Reply #35 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 00:18 »

Quote from: Ozymandias on 23 Feb 2009, 11:49

Quote from: Christophe on 23 Feb 2009, 08:42
I was a clever soft drink created by executives but apparently I wasn't market-friendly enough.

Every soft drink I've ever loved has been discontinued. FML.

What are you talking about? 7-Up is still going.

Spluff · « **Reply #36 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 00:55 »

Are you making a joke there or not? I can't tell.

KvP · « **Reply #37 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 00:58 »

Perhaps they didn't sell DNL in his area.

Masterbainter · « **Reply #38 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 01:21 »

Quote from: eddie on 22 Feb 2009, 12:31

Today, I decided to send my girlfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidently sent it to my dad and got a text back saying "You definitely take after your mom". FML

fiscked

snalin · « **Reply #39 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 05:48 »

Quote from: onewheelwizzard on 23 Feb 2009, 11:07

Quote
Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. FML

::wince::

This is based on QC.

clockworkjames · « **Reply #40 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 08:29 »

Quote from: Christophe on 23 Feb 2009, 08:42

I was a clever soft drink created by executives but apparently I wasn't market-friendly enough.

Heh, this was in the ssx3 video game.

AND IT WAS AWESOME BECAUSE WHEN YOU WERE UPSIDE DOWN IT looKSED LIKE 7UP WOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEME!

McTaggart · « **Reply #41 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 08:55 »

Oh man SSX.

Goddamn.

eddie · « **Reply #42 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 09:55 »

Quote from: Dazed on 22 Feb 2009, 17:48

Quote
Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

This is the worst thing.

After I'd finished going down on my girlfriend she got up and there was a skid mark on my sheets where she'd been sitting. FML

Trollstormur · « **Reply #43 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 11:52 »

Today, God smote my home. As I was walking away, my wife turned and look back to where we had once lived, and before my eyes she turned into a pillar of salt. FML

Cartilage Head · « **Reply #44 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 13:46 »

Today, I found out that my fifteen-year-old girlfriend is pregnant. I'm only thirteen! FML.

MrBlu · « **Reply #45 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 16:17 »

Quote from: Spluff on 24 Feb 2009, 00:55

Are you making a joke there or not? I can't tell.

Would you like me to go outside, buy a 7-Up and take a picture of it...?

J-cob9000 · « **Reply #46 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 16:51 »

Quote

Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face off of my knee and breaking my nose. FML

I know a chick who kneeled down to tie her shoe and while getting up, stepped on her finger and broke it.
Twice.

Quote

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

This as well.
I laugh at this so hard.

MrBlu · « **Reply #47 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 16:59 »

Oh.

dnL...

Never heard of it.

Wolf · « **Reply #48 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 19:44 »

What they stopped making dnL, Noooo. FML

JD · « **Reply #49 on:** 24 Feb 2009, 19:48 »

I blog and no one cares about it. FML

THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)

Author Topic: Fuck My Life (Read 9145 times)