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Author Topic: Please, Just Let Me Die Already  (Read 267938 times)

Eris

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #950 on: 22 May 2009, 20:51 »

Going on a date does not a relationship make.


Seriously though, ask her if she wants to hang out and leave it at that. It's not like saying "want to go hav coffee/get something to eat/hangout etc.?" is the same as "WIL YOO BE MY GIRLFREN?" Don't make it a big thing.
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #951 on: 23 May 2009, 00:33 »

Now I'm thinking of next time I see her asking her number, but on the other hand I thought it might ruin the situation we have.

Dude, right now you "have" nothing, it is only potential at this point, and the only thing about that is that there is a lot of it.  It will be quite easy for you to say "hey, we seem to run into each other a lot, and I enjoy your company, we should hang out more often, would it be cool if I got your number?"  Her response will almost undoubtedly be "sure, what's yours?" and she will pull out her phone.  She might even interrupt you ("We should hang out, you want my number?") to say this.

This is a really key thing to get comfortable with, so now's a great time to practice.  And if she does balk, it'll probably be because she has a boyfriend already, in which case you should repeat the question, and stress that you respect boundaries and you actually just enjoy her company and want to hang out with her sometime, because she might have attractive friends who are as cool as she is (don't actually say that last part).
« Last Edit: 23 May 2009, 01:22 by onewheelwizzard »
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Darkbluerabbit

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #952 on: 23 May 2009, 01:17 »

Find any event.  Small party with friends or large festival, doesn't matter.  If you're being forward, say "I can pick you up if you would like to join me."  If you're more subtle by nature or unsure about your prospects, say "I know about this movie/event/party/thing, would you be interested?  It could be fun, and it'd be nice to have someone along who is fun to talk to."

You're basically saying that your prospective date is fun to be around, without begging her or him to be there.  It conveys interest, but not desperation.
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Jace

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #953 on: 23 May 2009, 04:19 »

I asked one girl "hey, you want to go to this party friday? my friend max invited me and his girlfriend is going with him" she replied with "You know I have a boyfriend" and so I said "alright, but did you want to go to the party with me and my friend max and his girlfriend? I mean, we can be friends right?" Its really simple to just be cool about it if they have a boyfriend. Just tack on the extra bit about going as friends if they straight up mention a boyfriend.

(of course, her boyfriend lived in california, so it wasn't like he was going to go.)
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #954 on: 25 May 2009, 14:03 »

Relationship thread, do I pursue a possible relationship with a boy knowing that he is considering getting back together with an ex-girlfriend (who lives, I hasten to add, in another country) or do I write it off as a non-starter and wish things were different? I sent him a text a few days back asking if he wanted to go out for coffee and he has not replied; I don't know if that's because of a lack of signal (so he might not have got the text) or a reply in its own right. Am I heading for a fall if I ask him where we stand? I thought we were getting along great but there hasn't been anything concrete to suggest he's interested in me, really. I'd rather not have things get awkward but I only have to see him a handful more times if it all goes weird so what is the best course? Apathy or action?
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bbq

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #955 on: 25 May 2009, 15:35 »

So I really like this girl, and believe I have already mentioned this. She's a pretty close friend. We'll call her A.

She has a boyfriend. We won't mention him again, though he seems like a pretty ok guy.


I also really like this other girl, who is, like, my closest friend, and I'm the only person she tells everything. Or so she says. She's kinda seeing a guy I hate atm. He isn't a pretty ok guy, but I guess we get along ok. We'll call her B.

I like A waay more than B, but I was totally obsessed with B for about a year and a half. I didn't realize this till afterwards though, weirdly.

One of A's closest friends, who I met about 3 months ago or something, and who I get along with pretty well, but haven't know long enough to call a close friend (lets call her C) is 'in love' with me, apparently. C is also friends with B, and A and B think I am leading C on, even though me and C talk about this quite a lot and we both know we aren't.

Then someone who we will call D, who is really good friends with B, and quite good friends with C, is also, 'in love', with me, apparently. Or so she told me. She is also one of my closest friends.  :|

I'm not looking for any advice on what to do. I just want to know if this is possible to express in a 2 dimensional shape, eg love triangle etc.

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Dazed

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #956 on: 25 May 2009, 15:43 »

Barmymoo, I would advise action. In my opinion, very little will just fall into your lap; action is almost always the best course of, well, action. If things get awkward, well, you can either work through it and forget about it, or just not have to see him again and move on.

Go! Be proactive! Fortune favors the bold, and all that.
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Lines

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #957 on: 25 May 2009, 15:46 »

I'm not looking for any advice on what to do. I just want to know if this is possible to express in a 2 dimensional shape, eg love triangle etc.

Love rhombus! (Love rectangle, square, parallelogram, quadrilateral, and rectangle just don't have the same ring as love rhombus.)
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bbq

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #958 on: 25 May 2009, 15:49 »

Well I'd go for rhombus, but I'm in involved in it too.  :-P

If you count the two boyfriends, that's 7 people. We're gonna have to go 3-dimensional here. Any help?
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #959 on: 25 May 2009, 15:56 »

Then that'd be a heptagon.
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bbq

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #960 on: 25 May 2009, 16:04 »

Well yes, almost. But

My point, G, needs to lead to A and B.

A needs to lead to  E (boyfriend).

B needs to lead to F (person she is seeing).

C needs to lead to G.

D needs to lead to G.

So we can't really have a heptagon, because it isn't the classic problem of A to B to C to D etc.

of course, this is without factoring in friendships.  :|  Is this even a possible shape? Damn my love life.. Could we graph it or something?
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #961 on: 25 May 2009, 16:06 »

Draw a heptagon and label each point A-G and then draw lines connecting them! Or a circle with 7 points and connect those! It's not that hard!
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bbq

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #962 on: 25 May 2009, 16:14 »

Ah why didn't I realize that.



It's not very good, but there it is.  :-D
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #963 on: 25 May 2009, 17:51 »

this thing

So on pursuing this thing, I was waiting to meet up with her again, but last night she sent me a facebook wall post with her number, so I'm thinking wooyakasha. I'm thinking this is kinda rad and moving in the right direction.

Cheers guys.
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #964 on: 26 May 2009, 03:30 »

So wait, you didn't even actually need to ask?  Excellent!

You guys should hang out and discover why you are both really awesome people (because there will be a lot there to discover, I have found that there basically always is).
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McTaggart

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #965 on: 26 May 2009, 04:52 »

Clearly if you remove G it all becomes much neater.
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #966 on: 26 May 2009, 06:36 »

She might just be attracted to you as a friend, though.

Which is still a win.

Unless she's a horrible, horrible person, in which case try not to become friends with her.
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bbq

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #967 on: 26 May 2009, 12:01 »

Clearly if you remove G it all becomes much neater.


Brilliant.

But a bit mean.  :-P
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #968 on: 26 May 2009, 15:44 »

Remember how I was trying to tread lightly earlier?  Someone started spreading dangerous rumors that are completely untrue which is causing several of my friends to stop talking to me, and I'm being followed by a completely unrelated crazy chick.  Close one can of worms, open up another.
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #969 on: 26 May 2009, 16:03 »

so, i have a feeling that when a girl says "we should exchange numbers!" after a few minutes of conversation she might be attracted to you.

ADDENDUM: this is after we hung out at a party, where talked a lot. she contacted me on the inernets.

this happens to me all the time and while it can mean something it can also mean exactly nothing
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bbq

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #970 on: 27 May 2009, 02:42 »

So what does it mean when a girl invites you to parties and shit and asks you to get wasted with her (when you both know she gets very, uh, affectionate whilst wasted), even though she has a boyfriend?  :|

Ohh and I started talking to this girl who seems very nice (and very pretty), so wish me luck.  :-D
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benji

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #971 on: 27 May 2009, 06:52 »

So what does it mean when a girl invites you to parties and shit and asks you to get wasted with her (when you both know she gets very, uh, affectionate whilst wasted), even though she has a boyfriend?  :|

Inviting you to a party is nothing. She might just want more people she knows at the party. I do that a fair amount. For example, if I have a friend from, say, work, who invites me to a party that's not work related and tells me I can invite other people too, then I will usually invite one or two friends just so I know at least a couple of other people besides the person who invited me.

If she wants to get drunk alone, that could mean she's looking for a less-guilty way to cheat on her boyfriend with you. If she's attracted to you, she could be trying to use drunkenness as an excuse to let something happen that would normally be out of the question because of her boyfriend. This is usually not a good situation and I recommend avoiding it.
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bbq

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #972 on: 27 May 2009, 08:01 »

Seeing as though the party is hosted by one of her best friends, and it is a party which is mainly people from her school/college (I go to a different school), I think plenty of her friends will be there.

I'd probably say the second option (not because I believe she's attracted to me, but because it's simply logical), and I think I'm going to avoid it by being sober, because sober me is far too awkward to have something like that happen. Oh and this is the first time I'm actually meeting her boyfriend so I'm gonna hope he's an alright dude and that I don't fuck it up.  :-D
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benji

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #973 on: 27 May 2009, 08:10 »

Yeah, I would say she probably just wants to introduce you to her boyfriend then. If he's going to be there, you shouldn't read too much into the drinking.
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bbq

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #974 on: 27 May 2009, 08:13 »

Hmm, well she did specifically say 'sneak off together alone', but I'll take your word for it.  :-)

Remember this is 'high school' (or the english equivalent), and she knows I'm crazy about her, so are you really sure she'll just want to introduce me to her boyfriend?
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #975 on: 27 May 2009, 08:39 »

You don't bring the dude you want to cheat on your boyfriend with to a party your boyfriend is at. At least I'm pretty sure that is not how it works. Maybe she wants a threesome? (This is unlikely.)
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #976 on: 27 May 2009, 08:43 »

You're either going to be involved in a threesome, or you're going to get beat up by her boyfriend.
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bbq

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #977 on: 27 May 2009, 08:55 »

Guys we are 15  :-) As far as I am aware threesomes are not the norm.

But the point is I won't get beat up by her boyfriend, right? If I act sensibly... So my plan for the night is to act sensibly and just meet new people  :-D because I know nobody at this party apart from her.

Also i doubt her boyfriend could beat me up.
« Last Edit: 27 May 2009, 08:57 by bbq »
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benji

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #978 on: 27 May 2009, 10:09 »

we are 15

Remember before when you were looking for a name for this particular romantic entanglement? You've found it^
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bbq

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #979 on: 27 May 2009, 10:32 »

Threesome? Or is there some joke I'm not getting here?
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benji

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #980 on: 27 May 2009, 10:40 »

I was proposing "we are 15."
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bbq

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #981 on: 27 May 2009, 10:44 »

Ohh ok then. Our love heptagon think can be simplified though, we can remove B and F, I think.  :-D thus making a pentagon. Yay.

So you guys think - the best thing to do is just be chill? What if she asks me to go off drinking with her, what do I do?
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #982 on: 27 May 2009, 10:54 »

Go off drinking with her, but don't be stupid. Contrary to some teenage belief, having a couple drinks doesn't completely remove your free will or ability to think. You're still responsible for your actions, so decide whether you like this girl enough to cuckold her boyfriend, or just reject her advances when/if they happen.                                                                                   
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #983 on: 27 May 2009, 11:00 »

Yeah, don't worry I am experienced enough with the drink.  :-D


Hmm, well I definitely like her enough to do that, but I won't. I mean, in the long term it'll be better, right? Just looking for reassurance cos in the short term, I'll be a bit pissed off with myself for not taking an opportunity (even though it's the right thing to do etc).
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JimmyJazz

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #984 on: 27 May 2009, 18:08 »

Guys, I walked in on my girlfriend foolin' around with one of my good friends today...and I don't know what the fuck to do. I mean, I really feel like I'm in love with her, and we haven't had any major problems in our relationship recently, and we talk about everything and....ugh. @_@ Even worse, I've been friends with the guy since my freshman year of high school, and this kinda bullshit came straight out of the blue. When it happened, I broke down and screamed "What the FUCK?" several times before leaving and heading to my cousin's house. I turned my cell off, and haven't tried to contact either of 'em since. It's just really hard to even comprehend at the moment. Helped my cousin paint to try and get my mind off it, but that didn't help and he's off with HIS girlfriend at the moment, which although it isn't his fault makes me feel shittier. Seriously guys....what the hell do I do?
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #985 on: 27 May 2009, 18:18 »

I, personally, would leave it a couple of days, just to let everything settle in everybody's minds. They can figure out what the fuck to do, and you can go in without all guns blazing. I'm not saying you should give her another chance, but if you're in love, you should at least talk it out and see if it can be resolved, as well as talking to your friend and seeing what the hell happened. Then again, sometimes it's easier to just cut the cord with the both of them.

Long story short. Leave it a few days, see if they try and get hold of you. If they do, I would leave it until you're ready to talk about it rationally.
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #986 on: 27 May 2009, 19:39 »

Dump the girl, thank the guy for pointing out how much of a two-timer she is
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #987 on: 27 May 2009, 19:44 »

Don't forget the cock punch afterwards.
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #988 on: 27 May 2009, 19:45 »

Oh man, am I a wimp and a half.
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onewheelwizzard

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #989 on: 27 May 2009, 23:24 »

No, you're just reasonable and you make an effort to be emotionally intelligent.

Cutting the cord with these two people means that this is going to hurt for a long, long time.  If it hurts now, it's not going to stop hurting until you figure out why there isn't any reason for it to STILL hurt, and if you cut the cord with your friend and (now ex-, presumably) girlfriend, you're not going to figure that out, because there will ALWAYS be a reason for it to hurt, specifically, that it ended two relationships that presumably added goodness and joy to your life up until then.

In other words, this is going to all make sense and you're going to stop feeling hurt about it when you forgive both of them.

Now, this doesn't mean you need to tell them "it's OK that you guys did what you did, I'm OK with it, don't worry about me, blah blah blah."  That's not forgiveness.  Forgiveness is not saying "that shitty thing you did was actually no big deal."  There is nothing that is going to make this "no big deal."  It is clearly a big deal.  They have clearly done a really, really shitty thing.  Nothing is going to change the fact that they have fucked up, BIG time.

So what you need to do (after calming down enough to do it reasonably, and maybe letting some anger out in a safe way somewhere with a sledgehammer and some surplus computer equipment you find in a dumpster outside an office building or something) is (a) ask them what they were thinking and why they thought what they were doing was a good idea, both individually and apart (it'll be interesting to see if one of them holds themselves more responsible than the other), and then (b) adjust the story you've been telling yourself so far about your relationship so that it makes sense, because right now it doesn't, and that's what's causing you so much pain (you thought you had a good thing going, and then your trust gets flagrantly violated and a whole lot of cognitive dissonance starts happening because you thought she was into you and suddenly feel like you have to revise your opinion).

Trust me, there CAN come a point where this will make sense and you will be happy to say "you two fucked up big time, but people make mistakes, and as big as this one was, I'm deciding to make it a safe mistake for you two to make, so that you can be free enough from guilt to get down to the business of learning from it."  I'm not saying you somehow need to get to this point, but it'd be optimal.

Either way you'll probably end up staying single after talking to these two.  Continuing the relationship sounds like a pretty risky plan.  But considering this unforgivable is just deciding to be in pain about it for as long as you can remember it.
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #990 on: 28 May 2009, 00:22 »

continuing is really not an option, unless you are okay with her doing this in the future.  If you are then great, go on with having a relationship with her.  But in a situation like this, if you let her pouty eyes pull you back into it more emotionally again... you will just end up hurt so much more the next time.  It would be rediculous to think there won't be a next time.  Even by some miracle there wasn't a next time, you'd always have it in the back of your head and any bit of little trouble you two have in the future will result in full out relationship fight.

You should eventually try to forgive like OWW suggests, but I highly suggest stay away from a relationship(even friendship) with her.  The reason I suggest not having a friendship with her is if you actually do feel as strongly about her as your posts shows, then a friendship with her will only drag out how long it will take you to recover from this.  You don't keep stabbing a fleshwound to make it heal faster.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your friend.  One part of me just wants to say he was doing what guys do.  Then another part of me knows that my good friend for the last 10 years of my life, never has done that and neither have I done that to him.  Even when givin chances at eachother's exes.

Ask your friend this,  "The next girlfriend you get, can I have a free pass at her?"  His repsonse if truthful to how he feels will help you understand what kind of friend he is.

Edit: wanted to add... you initial reaction of freaking out and leaving was a good choice FYI.  It was okay for you to show that you are upset and it was a really good choice to leave at that time.
« Last Edit: 28 May 2009, 00:36 by Masterbainter »
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Hey guys let me tell you about my intercourses.

My intercourses, let me tell you about them.

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #991 on: 28 May 2009, 02:03 »

You don't need to know what they were thinking about when they did it or any of that shit. They were thinking "it would be great to fool around with each other" and in doing so betrayed your trust that they wouldn't do so behind your back.  It is a fucked thing, and you don't need to forgive them for it.
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onewheelwizzard

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #992 on: 28 May 2009, 02:29 »

No, you don't need to forgive them.  But it will help.  Period.  It is a strictly better outcome because it relieves you of pain more completely (and, with luck, more quickly).

People are not so simple as to be entirely ruled by urges that basic.  Nobody ever gets to point of creating the situation JimmyJazz is in without SOME kind of thought process involved, it's not like a bolt of libido lightning struck and suddenly they were doing something that had never occurred to them before.  If JimmyJazz finds out:
(1) how long they've been attracted to each other
(2) how long they've each known the other was attracted to them
(3) how much they'd talked about it before doing it
(4) how long they've been doing it
(5) anything that made them hesitate first
(6) what made them go for it anyway
(7) what they though he'd think if he found out
(8 ) why they didn't talk to him about it instead/first
... and so on and so forth, I think he might find a few things in there that are at least worth knowing, if not necessarily reasons to stay in touch with them.
« Last Edit: 28 May 2009, 02:37 by onewheelwizzard »
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also at one point mid-sex she asked me "what do you think about commercialism in art?"

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #993 on: 28 May 2009, 02:31 »

Beat the shit out of him while she is around, then, while you are naked and covered in his blood ask "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? IS IT?!"
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Rizzla: Fuck
Rizzla: I mean girls who have penises.

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #994 on: 28 May 2009, 02:43 »

Man, I'm not gonna give someone that cheated on me some fucking bullshit questionnaire on their motives.
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #995 on: 28 May 2009, 02:45 »

Cutting them both out of your life is A. the best way for you to forget about a pair of people who don't deserve your friendship anymore so you can get on with your life and B. the best way to punish them for betraying your trust.
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #996 on: 28 May 2009, 02:59 »

Neither of those goals actually lead to being happier, though.

If you forget about them, you've gained nothing new and you MIGHT get back some of what you lost.
If you punish them, you've gained nothing new and you haven't gotten anything back.

The idea that you might get something positive and unprecedented out of this event might seem a little weird, but it's nothing to give up on.

There is nothing bullshit about asking someone what they really wanted.
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also at one point mid-sex she asked me "what do you think about commercialism in art?"

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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #997 on: 28 May 2009, 03:13 »

But I wouldn't care what they wanted.
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #998 on: 28 May 2009, 03:25 »

I almost fully agree with Joe on his advice, but I'd also tell him to ask them about his relationship with them both. It'll be really hard, and he'll probably find it excruciating trying to stay calm, but in the end he'll hopefully find at least some closure on what happened. Just cutting off huge ties to emotional and social well-being will leave most anyone angry and reeling, and eventually regretful.

Sorry about talking about you like you're not there, dude, it's just the easiest way to word things for me.
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Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #999 on: 28 May 2009, 04:32 »

The problem with furious shouting and then cutting someone out of your life completely is that once the anger has subsided you're left with a sort of bereavement feeling because someone you once really cared about is gone, and you're no longer convinced that getting rid of them is necessarily the best thing. Bad things have a habit of wiping out the good things and souring the memories of them, so if it's possible to keep a fair distance without utterly wrecking your connection (particularly with your friend) then that might help you in the future. But I wouldn't advise asking them what they were thinking until all the dust has settled and you're not angry or upset any more, because you might hear some things that make you feel worse (or they might feel you're trying to punish them and get defensive).

But basically I guess the best advice is to do what you think will be best for you. Sod what they want, it's what they want that's made this happen in the first place.
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There's this really handy "other thing" I'm going to write as a footnote to my abstract that I can probably explore these issues in. I think I'll call it my "dissertation."
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