THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)

  • 29 Mar 2024, 05:25
  • Welcome, Guest
Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  
Pages: 1 ... 19 20 [21] 22 23 ... 45   Go Down

Author Topic: Please, Just Let Me Die Already  (Read 268098 times)

a pack of wolves

  • GET ON THE NIGHT TRAIN
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2,604
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1000 on: 28 May 2009, 04:37 »

That's good advice. Also, if you start asking a load of questions too soon you end up with the whole picking at a scab situation, you're not making things any better you're just making them worse but because you feel shitty you feel compelled to do it anyway. Mind you, I wouldn't wait until you're not at all angry or upset, that could take a long time. Just leave it until you've had a bit of time to get to grips with yourself and can think clearly about what you want to do.
Logged
Quote from: De_El
Next time, on QC Forums: someone embarrassingly reveals that they are a homophobe! Stay tuned to find out who!

calenlass

  • Born in a Nalgene bottle
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 3,076
  • queefcicle!
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1001 on: 28 May 2009, 07:23 »

In my amateur forays into and multitudinous experiences with psychology, I would have to say that onwheelwizard is right about the forgiveness part. It took me a long time to finally lay to rest every demon raised by getting abruptly dumped by my last ex, and I don't know if I can ever be positive that I've finished with it completely, but I would say that at this point in my life I have reached that point of forgiveness, and I am a whole lot more content because of it. For a while it was like this hole or a monster inside trying to eat its way out and causing me pain and anguish that I really didn't know how to deal with. Getting to the point where I realised that it was ok to not care about him or what direction his life took or what he thought about me anymore or what our breakup said about me was incredibly freeing. My dad died when I was four years old, and I think one of the earliest lessons I learned was that nothing is static, that someday I'll be gone too, and that until then I would like to get the most out of my life with the fewest regrets. Forgiveness was a big step towards that for me.

That said, est is also right. You don't have to. And too, even if you do, you don't have to let them know about it. They have both betrayed you and violated your trust. You should feel angry and hurt and depressed and all that other stuff, and how long you decide to let that linger is also up to you. Some people are driven by the memory of things like this, and that is perfectly ok! as long as it doesn't impede whatever else you want out of life.



Also, onewheelwizard, I dunno if you meant it this way, but when you were talking about mistakes I kind of got the sense that "unintentional" or "accidental" was part of the implication. If that was the case I respectfully disagree, but if not sorry.
Logged
Hey everyone, I need to buy some new bookshelves. When I get back from Ikea and put them together you're all invited to the bookshelf launch party.

benji

  • Bling blang blong blung
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1,063
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1002 on: 28 May 2009, 07:55 »

I definately think you have a right to your anger, but keep in mind that anger is often more damaging to you then to the object of your anger. It can eat you up inside and make it harder for you to trust people going forward. I would say work towards forgiveness in the way that Calenlass suggests. You may not need to voice that forgiveness, but having it will be an emotional victory for you because it will allow you to let go of the enormous violence of this event. Forgiveness isn't about saying "let's be friends again," it's about accepting that what has happened has happened and moving on. Far too often, people who have failed to forgive things from old relationships carry that anger with them into new ones. This can cause enormous harm in your life, much more so then any continuing anger will hold in the lives of the people that hurt you.

How to go about forgiving is going to be different for different people. OWW clearly needs to know why before he can forgive, and if this is true for you, you can go ahead and try to figure out why. If the details of why aren't necessary for you, and especially if they would hurt you more, then you don't need to go through that process. Keep in mind that an honest answer to the reasons why might be painful. Many people who cheat do so, in part, because they are dissatisfied with their current relationship. If you'd rather not know about that, then don't find out.

Trust, however, is a separate matter. I would suggest that you have absolutely no need to trust either of these people again. You can let go of the emotional anger, but hold on to the intellectual knowledge that these people are untrustworthy. What this often leads to is a cordial but not terribly close relationship. I have this with one of my exes. We can encounter each other, exchange pleasantries, talk about how our lives are going, but we can't get beyond that because I still don't trust her to be honest with me. I don't see anything wrong with this. I'm not angry with her. I've forgiven her. I understand why she betrayed me. But she betrayed me and I have no reason to believe she wouldn't do so again.
« Last Edit: 28 May 2009, 10:56 by benji »
Logged
This signature is intentionally left blank.

Alex C

  • comeback tour!
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 5,915
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1003 on: 28 May 2009, 10:54 »

Also, onewheelwizard, I dunno if you meant it this way, but when you were talking about mistakes I kind of got the sense that "unintentional" or "accidental" was part of the implication. If that was the case I respectfully disagree, but if not sorry.

This quote really sticks out for me because it can be very, very true. I got into the best relationship of my life by taking stock of things, looking at what I wanted and deciding that the feelings of one of my closest friends wasn't important enough to me to keep from taking a shot at a relationship I wanted. There really wasn't really any dishonesty or backpedaling involved, but it was still definitely a betrayal because I basically just came out and said "There's real chemistry here and I want you to quit dating him now". Hell, in a way, it was even worse than dishonesty because I didn't even really entertain the idea that there was a true way I could spare his feelings, I just decided his friendship was an acceptable loss if it came to that and that I'd rather not be sneaky about the whole thing. I'm not proud of what happened, but frankly, I don't really regret it considering the context of the situation; I cared about her more than I cared about him, period. We remain very good friends, but there's no denying the fact that it changed the parameters of our friendship. In fact, I really think it took the benefit of hindsight for him to really forgive me for it. If I had submarined the friendship over a short fling rather than a longterm relationship, I rather doubt we'd be on quite the same terms we're on now.
« Last Edit: 28 May 2009, 11:22 by Alex C »
Logged
the ship has Dr. Pepper but not Mr. Pibb; it's an absolute goddamned travesty

calenlass

  • Born in a Nalgene bottle
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 3,076
  • queefcicle!
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1004 on: 28 May 2009, 11:12 »

anger


Anger is not damaging to a person. Anger is a healthy emotion, just like grief or joy or anything else. What can destroy you is how you react to it and deal with it.


I would really really like for just one person I ever talk to ever to understand the discrepancy. Everyone thinks being angry is terrible and we should avoid it because it doesn't help at all and it is destructive and can make you lose control and tear people apart! Anger is actually an adrenaline rush that can be pretty effective in motivating you to get that one goddamn thing that keeps going wrong done right, or to finally tell your lovey-dovey that one thing that they keep doing (flirting with their ex, or whatever) you actually can't stand! I guess most people are just kind of bad about things like keeping it impersonal when they are angry and sticking to the issue that caused the anger in the first place.

Summary: I like being angry sometimes.
Logged
Hey everyone, I need to buy some new bookshelves. When I get back from Ikea and put them together you're all invited to the bookshelf launch party.

Alex C

  • comeback tour!
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 5,915
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1005 on: 28 May 2009, 11:17 »

I consider anger to be an underrated emotion. As Calenlass just pointed out though, the way that most people express it sucks pretty badly. For example, the superficial venting that some people espouse hits me as pretty limiting. It's never really done much for me and I've found that people who rely on outbursts as their only expression of anger tend to use such outbursts as a crutch. For example, this one asshole I know that basically says that he just "has to yell" sometimes because that's the only way he can deal with it. Of course it is; that's the only way he even tries to "control" himself anymore. I hate self-fulfilling prophecies.
« Last Edit: 28 May 2009, 11:20 by Alex C »
Logged
the ship has Dr. Pepper but not Mr. Pibb; it's an absolute goddamned travesty

benji

  • Bling blang blong blung
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1,063
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1006 on: 28 May 2009, 11:27 »

I agree that anger can be healthy, but I think we also have a tendency to hold on to our anger, and believe it works like some sort of weapon. Like if we're just mad enough for long enough then they'll be sorry. What I was getting at is that it doesn't really work that way. Dealing with your anger in a healthy way, letting it serve it's purpose, and then letting it go, is important. If you hold on to it for a long time, it stops serving any productive purpose and becomes very damaging to the person who is angry.

For example, I have 2 friends who used to date and who broke up under less then ideal circumstances. He's still pissed some 5 years later, and still can't hear her name mentioned in his presence. He might feel like this anger is still a useful weapon against her, but she's moved on. She's had several relationships since then and could probably care less that he's still mad at her. Meanwhile, he occasionally makes himself miserable over events 5 years in the past.

So I agree. Anger can be healthy if responded to correctly but forgiveness is important because it helps us put anger away when it is no longer useful and we need to move on.
Logged
This signature is intentionally left blank.

Alex C

  • comeback tour!
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 5,915
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1007 on: 28 May 2009, 11:31 »

I guess it depends on how you define forgive. Maybe some people just need to go through more elaborate mental rituals than I do before they cut an event/person out of their lives and get back to what they're doing. I guess my philosophy is closer to "Don't sweat the small stuff" than "Forgive and forget."
Logged
the ship has Dr. Pepper but not Mr. Pibb; it's an absolute goddamned travesty

calenlass

  • Born in a Nalgene bottle
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 3,076
  • queefcicle!
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1008 on: 28 May 2009, 14:04 »

"Forgive and forget" is such a funny phrase. If you forget about what happened, how will you ever make sure not to let it happen again?
Logged
Hey everyone, I need to buy some new bookshelves. When I get back from Ikea and put them together you're all invited to the bookshelf launch party.

JimmyJazz

  • The German Chancellory building
  • ***
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 450
  • World's Forgotten Boy
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1009 on: 28 May 2009, 15:37 »

Thanks for the advice guys. After class today I vented through guitar and smashing an old desktop to Minor Threat, and feel slightly more calm. But still...I don't think I'm ready to confront them yet. Not even to just find out what happened. Forgiveness seems a long way away at this point, and yet I still feel like losing a connection with these two people would be devastating, even moreso than this. I didn't answer when both tried to call again, though I left a message on my friend's phone saying I'd like to talk with them this weekend. Hopefully by then I won't be so volatile, but I dunno. Today I was real bitchy to my cousin, even though he didn't bring up the incident at all.

But speaking of the weekend, asking what happened seems like the best idea at the moment. Dealing with where my relationship will go with them, blah, I don't think wanna think abotu it right now. Would it be best to talk to thwm about it then and there, or should I wait even more till some of the emotional bullshit has gone away?
Logged
Tell her to buy a cosmo magazine, usually they have an article titled 101 ways to put stuff in your manfriend's butt.

Professor Snuggles

  • Only pretending to work
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2,071
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1010 on: 28 May 2009, 16:08 »

Really the best thing to make you feel better is to go out and get drunk and fucc mad slutz.
Logged

Professor Snuggles

  • Only pretending to work
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2,071
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1011 on: 28 May 2009, 16:09 »

Real talk.
Logged

Masterbainter

  • FIGHT YOU
  • ***
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 420
  • those times...
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1012 on: 29 May 2009, 00:41 »

Agreed.  When someone fucks you over its time to get drunk and bang bang bang.   Then you can think a little more clearly...


just make sure you wrap it.
« Last Edit: 29 May 2009, 00:43 by Masterbainter »
Logged
Hey guys let me tell you about my intercourses.

My intercourses, let me tell you about them.

NeverQuiteGoth

  • Curry sauce
  • ***
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 263
    • The Raiden Saga
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1013 on: 29 May 2009, 08:35 »

What's the best way to handle it when a girl you're dating (briefly, nowhere near the relationship stage) just randomly decides to up and start completely ignoring you?

I saw this girl a couple times, and it was going really well, I thought. (Several hours of topless make-outs. Saying she had a really good time when she kissed me goodnight.) And then I never see or hear from her again. Ignores my txts and my IMs and emails, no warning or explanation what so ever.

I mean, am I off base to expect a little courtesy? Even just a token "I changed my mind. Fuck off." would be fine by me.

Thoughts?
Logged
Quote
Yes, thank goodness we live in an enlightened society where we're horribly sexist to both men and woman in equal measure. >.<

benji

  • Bling blang blong blung
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1,063
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1014 on: 29 May 2009, 08:58 »

Well, depending on how long it's been, some people think it's important to play this silly little "hard to get" game the first few days after a first date. I would suggest backing off a little, waiting a few days, and then giving her an actual phone call (novel, I know). If she's still ignoring you after that, then she probably isn't interested and you should just forget about it and move on.
Logged
This signature is intentionally left blank.

axerton

  • Beyond Thunderdome
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 553
  • lets all grow pizza
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1015 on: 29 May 2009, 09:05 »

or she could actually be really busy....
Logged
Guys guys I got this condition it is called "Involuntary Lottery Loser" guys don't laugh it is a disorder.

NeverQuiteGoth

  • Curry sauce
  • ***
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 263
    • The Raiden Saga
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1016 on: 29 May 2009, 09:58 »

I'm only asking out of curiosity and for future reference. The girl I'm refering to, that was like seven weeks ago when it ended.

@axerton: No one is that busy.
Logged
Quote
Yes, thank goodness we live in an enlightened society where we're horribly sexist to both men and woman in equal measure. >.<

Yunior

  • Furry furrier
  • **
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 161
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1017 on: 29 May 2009, 10:26 »

What's the best way to handle it when a girl you're dating (briefly, nowhere near the relationship stage) just randomly decides to up and start completely ignoring you?

I saw this girl a couple times, and it was going really well, I thought. (Several hours of topless make-outs. Saying she had a really good time when she kissed me goodnight.) And then I never see or hear from her again. Ignores my txts and my IMs and emails, no warning or explanation what so ever.

I mean, am I off base to expect a little courtesy? Even just a token "I changed my mind. Fuck off." would be fine by me.

Thoughts?

I have done this a couple times. It is because I am a terrible person.

Really. Each time, I'll go back and reflect on it, and I'm like, "Why did I do that?" And I think, It is because you are a terrible person, Clara.
Logged
[02:00] Dollface: clara you are awesome
[02:00] clara: oh thanks dollface
[02:00] Dollface: whos awesome you are clara

Yunior

  • Furry furrier
  • **
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 161
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1018 on: 29 May 2009, 10:31 »

Realizing my post was not very good advice.

Usually it boils down to me being a terrible flake + terrified of commitment/intimacy. Dunno what is on your lady's mind, but that is what was on mine. I recommend moving on, and then in a little while, calling her out on it. You are not going to get an apology atm, because apologizing would require interaction. (I can apologize in her stead, if you prefer.)
Logged
[02:00] Dollface: clara you are awesome
[02:00] clara: oh thanks dollface
[02:00] Dollface: whos awesome you are clara

NeverQuiteGoth

  • Curry sauce
  • ***
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 263
    • The Raiden Saga
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1019 on: 29 May 2009, 12:00 »

I'm way over it. I just like to understand things.

Thank you Yunior, I hope you're right. I'd certainly like to think that the reason she fled was because she was afraid of falling for me, rather than because she just suddenly decided I was repulsive. Much kinder to my self-esteem.

Probably never know for sure, but what you said fits.
Logged
Quote
Yes, thank goodness we live in an enlightened society where we're horribly sexist to both men and woman in equal measure. >.<

Avec

  • 1-800-SCABIES
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 879
  • Pomegranate
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1020 on: 29 May 2009, 18:00 »

So I was with my girlfriend today. When she first came over no one was home and we messed around in my room. Soon after, my entire family decided to come home at the same exact time, and even though they were pretty cool about it, my brother just told me he's buying me condoms. Do I thank him? Because I can't imagine things being any more awkward than the way they are.
Logged

jmrz

  • Beyoncé
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 715
  • zomg pale
    • flickr
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1021 on: 29 May 2009, 19:21 »

I would thank him once he gives them to you, I mean, either he was joking about it or actually looking out for you. Also, they are kind of useful to have.
Logged
Quote from: Daniel on Gabbly
princy, this is the time to think with your vagina
Quote from: Iananan on Gabbly
nipples are deactivated at birth, to prevent misfires and accident

Avec

  • 1-800-SCABIES
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 879
  • Pomegranate
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1022 on: 29 May 2009, 19:25 »

I know he cares, but it doesn't change the fact of how weird that was. Also, I have condoms.
Logged

nobo

  • Bling blang blong blung
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1,059
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1023 on: 29 May 2009, 20:03 »

for future reference. Target and Walmart have the cheapest condoms. about 5 or 6 dollars for a 12 pack.
Logged
Well yes but (sorry andy) she doesn't look half as fucking bad ass as this motherfucker in Poland.

Dude is hardcore.

NeverQuiteGoth

  • Curry sauce
  • ***
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 263
    • The Raiden Saga
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1024 on: 29 May 2009, 20:49 »

for future reference. Target and Walmart have the cheapest condoms. about 5 or 6 dollars for a 12 pack.

That's how my younger sister got pregnant. I was almost an uncle.

Please, don't buy discount condoms.  :roll:
Logged
Quote
Yes, thank goodness we live in an enlightened society where we're horribly sexist to both men and woman in equal measure. >.<

nobo

  • Bling blang blong blung
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1,059
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1025 on: 29 May 2009, 20:56 »

I didn't see any discount brands there, only trojan and durex, which I think are pretty reputable.

I think the discount brands are the weird lambskin ones you can buy at shady gas stations and 7-11s. I wouldn't recommend those either.
Logged
Well yes but (sorry andy) she doesn't look half as fucking bad ass as this motherfucker in Poland.

Dude is hardcore.

mbb

  • Balloon animal serial killer
  • *
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 86
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1026 on: 29 May 2009, 20:59 »

usually lambskin condoms are more expensive...weird.
Logged

Tyler

  • 1-800-SCABIES
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 804
  • SKULLTOPUS
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1027 on: 30 May 2009, 01:13 »

sexxxxxxxxxxxx
Logged
Quote from: Lunchbox
It is not wussy. There are orifices being assaulted all over the shop.

Barmymoo

  • Mentat
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 9,926
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1028 on: 30 May 2009, 06:40 »

I've always found it disturbing that you can get free condoms from the reception desk at my college.

I mean, we're a small college. The receptionists know everyone by name, not to mention many of the parents. It's almost as awkward as the fact that you can get a free STI test from them... and they text you the results. "Hi from Student Services. You have chlamydia!".
Logged
There's this really handy "other thing" I'm going to write as a footnote to my abstract that I can probably explore these issues in. I think I'll call it my "dissertation."

Avec

  • 1-800-SCABIES
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 879
  • Pomegranate
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1029 on: 30 May 2009, 06:48 »

I live right next to a hospital, and they give out free condoms.
Logged

NeverQuiteGoth

  • Curry sauce
  • ***
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 263
    • The Raiden Saga
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1030 on: 30 May 2009, 07:27 »

Okay, I have another question. This is a multi-faceted issue and IMO deserves a multi-faceted answer. In other words, this is NOT a yes-or-no question.

Anyway, somewhere along the line recently I must have decided that I wasn't going to spend any money on trying to meet a girl (IE dating site subscriptions and dates themselves, etc.), until I have my own money to spend.
I'm not there yet but I will be a professional machinima creator once I start turning a profit. Right now my dad is still supporting me.
So my question is, am I being silly? Is waiting until I have my own income (note: we're not talking financial independence here, that's a ways further off, like a couple years further off) to pursue romance really necessary? Or am I imposing a social restriction on myself that doesn't really exist?
Logged
Quote
Yes, thank goodness we live in an enlightened society where we're horribly sexist to both men and woman in equal measure. >.<

est

  • this is a test
  • Admin emeritus
  • Older than Moses
  • *
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4,157
  • V O L L E Y B A L L
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1031 on: 30 May 2009, 07:42 »

Yes and no
Logged

est

  • this is a test
  • Admin emeritus
  • Older than Moses
  • *
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4,157
  • V O L L E Y B A L L
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1032 on: 30 May 2009, 07:45 »

Ok, serious answer: depends.  Like, I think that you need to talk to your dad and find out how comfortable he is financing you and if he has any problem with you taking girls out on dates with the money he's providing you with.

If he is ok with it then why not?
Logged

est

  • this is a test
  • Admin emeritus
  • Older than Moses
  • *
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4,157
  • V O L L E Y B A L L
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1033 on: 30 May 2009, 07:48 »

Also: machinima is that animation/game app thing, right?  People make money from that?  How?  I am curious but also skeptical.  Like, if you are using it to learn more about animation techniques or film techniques or something and hoping to get a career in gaming or professional animation then that is one thing, but I wouldn't have thought there'd be much in the way of professional prospects for machinima creators?
Logged

Eris

  • Duck attack survivor
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1,919
  • bzzzz
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1034 on: 30 May 2009, 07:48 »

How long do you think it will be until you start making a profit out of it? Do you think you can potentially go that long without finding a lady?


I don't really get what you are asking, because you have already made the decision to do this, and the internet saying "man you are stupid, spend money you don't have on fuckin' okcupid already" is going to change yourmind.
Logged
Quote from: Drunk Pete
MACHINS CON ESFU EPETE

NeverQuiteGoth

  • Curry sauce
  • ***
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 263
    • The Raiden Saga
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1035 on: 30 May 2009, 07:54 »

@est

Me and my dad are pretty cool. I already know that he is fine with financing me (so long as I promise not to become a bum and rely on him indefinitely lol) or with me going on dates (or bringing them home). We have a very roommate-ish thing goin'.

He's not the issue at all. It's me. I guess what I want to know is, is there any validity to the feelings of inadequacy I have because I'm still on allowance even though I'm almost 20?


@Eris

I haven't made the decision. This is just something I've caught myself doing.
Anyway, I'm not sure, anywhere between 2 and 4 months, I think. And can I go that long? Well obviously. Do I want to? Hell no. I haven't had sex in a year and all I have had is a smattering of bad dates.
I just want to know if I'm justified in handicapping myself or if my self-impossed isolation is folly.
Logged
Quote
Yes, thank goodness we live in an enlightened society where we're horribly sexist to both men and woman in equal measure. >.<

est

  • this is a test
  • Admin emeritus
  • Older than Moses
  • *
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4,157
  • V O L L E Y B A L L
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1036 on: 30 May 2009, 08:03 »

On the one hand there is something uh, decent(?) about not wanting to go on dates and such until you can support yourself, but on the other hand so long as you are not buying $300 bouquets of flowers and stupid shit like that then there is no harm in taking ladies out on dates either.

If you can find yourself a decent kind of gal who doesn't need to be showered with gifts every date/week to know you feel for her then you should be fine, and honestly if you try dating a girl and she is uppity about you not having much cash then it's her problem, not yours.
Logged

NeverQuiteGoth

  • Curry sauce
  • ***
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 263
    • The Raiden Saga
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1037 on: 30 May 2009, 08:43 »

That's me. Decent. I'm so decent in fact that I have a bad habit of opening with the stuff most people like to lie about. Like my lack of income.  :roll:

Its not that big of a problem because as soon as a girl reveals herself as that kind of whore, I'm all, "BuhBye." Like you said, her problem not mine.


As a sidebar:
I realized something else.
I have a standing policy of no sex outside a committed relationship (because I don't want to be used for one, and for another, because my OCD doesn't let me get intimate with anyone I don't implicitly trust.)
Then I realized that I define a "committed relationship" as "exclusive sex" which basically means I can only have sex with someone I'm already having sex with, creating a ridiculous bootstrap-problem, making me celibate without me ever wanting or deciding to be.
*facedesk*


And back to the first issue:
I worry than even the decent girls will be put off by my parental-financial-situation. Should I be?
Logged
Quote
Yes, thank goodness we live in an enlightened society where we're horribly sexist to both men and woman in equal measure. >.<

iamiam

  • Pneumatic ratchet pants
  • ***
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 335
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1038 on: 30 May 2009, 09:03 »

you won't know until you date them
Logged
Quote from: meebo
[11:09] Darryl: MaiAda: the Beat Happening of the QC boards
[11:10] Darryl: so subtly subversive that not everybody can even tell
[11:10] Darryl: punk as fuck
[11:10] Darryl: ponies and rainbows

Alex C

  • comeback tour!
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 5,915
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1039 on: 30 May 2009, 11:55 »

Keep in mind that at 19 a lot of people's financial status and life goals are in a state of flux. I've been out of high school for very nearly a decade now and my "big accomplishment" so far has mostly been to avoid crippling levels of debt. That's hardly amazing, but it also doesn't make me much different from millions of other perfectly nice people out there. Believe me when I say that you still have some wiggle room here to put yourself out there without every decent woman on earth thinking "This dude is just a parasite". It's admirable to put obligations ahead of things that "merely" make you happy, but I don't think foregoing dating is really all that realistic or healthy, particularly since you're relying on your father regardless of whether you date or not. I do think you should get at least a part time job though. I say that not as a comment about your machina goals, but just as a general observation that your financial situation is bringing you down. In my admittedly limited experience, it's a lot easier to manage your time than it is to manage frustration and self-doubt. Being stretched for time sucks, but it beats the pants off of feeling inadequate.
« Last Edit: 30 May 2009, 12:26 by Alex C »
Logged
the ship has Dr. Pepper but not Mr. Pibb; it's an absolute goddamned travesty

StaedlerMars

  • Lovecraftian nightmare
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2,872
  • hallelujah!
    • a WebSite
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1040 on: 30 May 2009, 17:40 »

There's a lot of really helpful and supportive people on these boards. Just saying.

So update on cute girl I used to continuously run into. Last night, through communication over the phone, we had meant to go see Boys Noize but we failed at getting tickets. So instead I organized a barbecue type situation with a bunch of my friends, and she came and hung out with us. Then later we went out and I invited her along and she came. We ended up in a friend's flat and were there watching silly cartoons until 5 in the morning. Then we both walked to our separate homes.

This is good signs right? Or am I heading for the 'just friends' thing?
Logged
Expect lots of screaming, perversely fast computer drums and guitars tuned to FUCK

Quote from: Michael McDonald
Dear God, I hope it's smooth.

est

  • this is a test
  • Admin emeritus
  • Older than Moses
  • *
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4,157
  • V O L L E Y B A L L
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1041 on: 30 May 2009, 18:04 »

Did you offer to walk her home?  If so, what was the reply/exchange like?  Even if her place is just around the corner, sometimes you can use the offer to walk her home as a way to show her you're interested, and how she replies is kind of indicative of her thoughts on that.
Logged

StaedlerMars

  • Lovecraftian nightmare
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2,872
  • hallelujah!
    • a WebSite
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1042 on: 30 May 2009, 18:17 »

Yeah see, that's the part I was hitting myself over. We kinda just hugged and went separate ways. I was a bit out of it, cause of the time / drugs, and it didn't cross my mind until like a minute afterward.
Logged
Expect lots of screaming, perversely fast computer drums and guitars tuned to FUCK

Quote from: Michael McDonald
Dear God, I hope it's smooth.

onewheelwizzard

  • GET ON THE NIGHT TRAIN
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2,558
  • Ha! Fool ...
    • http://www.livejournal.com/users/onewheelwizzard
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1043 on: 30 May 2009, 18:24 »

I think that now is a good time to start asking her what she's doing in the afternoons or evenings via text message.  If you send the message "I like the idea of hanging out with you whenever we get the chance," that's ... well, to be fair, it's probably the most accurate way of expressing your feelings right now in any case.  If you make a reasonably regular effort to keep in touch with her and make sure the two of you don't miss opportunities to hang out with each other while doing something you both enjoy, that's basically the best possible approach (in my opinion) towards expanding your shared interests to include each other, and that's what makes a successful start to a relationship, so if I were you, I'd handle the situation from here on out by trying to make a reasonably consistent effort to let her know whenever you're doing anything interesting, or offer to create something interesting to do with her if there's nothing going on, whenever opportunities for either arise.
Logged
also at one point mid-sex she asked me "what do you think about commercialism in art?"

est

  • this is a test
  • Admin emeritus
  • Older than Moses
  • *
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4,157
  • V O L L E Y B A L L
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1044 on: 30 May 2009, 19:14 »

Dang, I hate those moments.  I wouldn't sweat it, there's gonna be plenty more opportunities to let her know you're interested.  I kind of agree with Joe in that you should definitely make an effort to invite her along when you're gonna be doing something interesting/fun, but I don't know about the whole finding out what she's doing in the afternoons/evenings thing.  Not sure if I have an accurate gauge on your relationship with her at the moment, but to me it seems a bit too full on for now?  If you invite her out to fun things and she starts doing the same before you can let her know you're interested then that's probably a decent enough sign in itself.

The key thing though if you are worried about falling into just-friends territory is to make a move so she knows you're into her.  Like, I am not saying that you just come out with it or anything like that but girls aren't mind-readers either.  If you start hanging out with her a lot and you don't make your intentions clear at an appropriate time then she will probably just think you're looking for a friend.
Logged

NeverQuiteGoth

  • Curry sauce
  • ***
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 263
    • The Raiden Saga
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1045 on: 31 May 2009, 01:04 »

@Alex C

That's really good advice.
I still can't bring myself to throw away $150 for the freakin' chemistry.com subscription, though.  :-(
Logged
Quote
Yes, thank goodness we live in an enlightened society where we're horribly sexist to both men and woman in equal measure. >.<

Ballard

  • Older than Moses
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4,211
  • This is my happening and it freaks me out!
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1046 on: 31 May 2009, 02:16 »

Correct me if I'm wrong but I've always thought of dating sites as being marketed towards people in their late 20s/early 30s or divorcees/widowers in their middle age who have lost their dynamic social circles and don't really have any other way to meet potential partners.

If you're twenty years old, you don't need a dating site subscription. Just put yourself out there and meet people!
Logged
I'm like the boy who cried "you guys are faggots"

NeverQuiteGoth

  • Curry sauce
  • ***
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 263
    • The Raiden Saga
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1047 on: 31 May 2009, 06:01 »

don't really have any other way to meet potential partners.
Exactly.

Quote
Just put yourself out there and meet people!
Right. 'cause that's worked so well. I am so tired of hearing this bullshit. Its empty words at their worst.
Logged
Quote
Yes, thank goodness we live in an enlightened society where we're horribly sexist to both men and woman in equal measure. >.<

Eris

  • Duck attack survivor
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1,919
  • bzzzz
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1048 on: 31 May 2009, 06:15 »

Well if I remember correctly, you asked us for suggestions of things to do to meet people and all that, and then shot down every single suggestion we gave. Bullshit or not, the point still stands that getting out into the world means you're going to meet more people and maybe find something in common with one of them and attraction be added to the mix.


I guess doing the dating site thing is what you want to do, so do it, but you will be doing what most people do, just in the comfort of your own home. You will be putting yourself out there and hoping to find someone interesting and get to know people, just like going to a pub and talking to the cute girl who seems a little interested.
Logged
Quote from: Drunk Pete
MACHINS CON ESFU EPETE

Sox

  • Scrabble hacker
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1,390
Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
« Reply #1049 on: 31 May 2009, 06:38 »

It's the easiest thing to say if you're a social dynamo though. It's kinda like being able to say "It's easy to support yourself, just get a job!".
Strictly speaking, it is true, but the chances are the person you're suggesting it to has tried that approach and is getting increasingly frustrated with the same attitudes over and over.
While 'get out there and meet people' is a great summary, on it's own it's pretty useless to a person who is clearly getting quite agitated with their circumstances. It's not really advice unless you tell somebody how to accomplish it. It's like telling a man to fish for his dinner, then not telling him how. He's never gonna catch a fish.
Unfortunately, the easiest way to meet new people and make new friends...
...is to have friends.
Friends are pretty useful as a social tool when you want to meet new people. Unfortunately, if you don't know anybody, it gets a lot tougher.
Other good ways to meet new people are to be attractive or charismatic. But again, if you're suffering from 'lonely person who needs to meet people' syndrome you're likely not either of those things. Two more things right there that are easier if you already have friends and the know-how.

I'm going to offer some advice.
Join a dating site, they work for an awful lot of people. Find an activity or sport you like too, join a club. I think your dad would support that financially if you explained it was to become happier as a person and meet new people with a common interest. Stick around, chat to people. Ask about stuff. Once people see you're interested in their lives, they'll probably warm up to you. Extending your network of friends is one of the best ways to meet new people and meeting new people is a good way of meeting girls.
Logged
Pages: 1 ... 19 20 [21] 22 23 ... 45   Go Up