Topic: Shoot Off Your Mouth (Read 3310 times)

Sox · « **on:** 24 Jul 2009, 05:16 »

About two billion people in the world hold the belief that when we die, we have to account for every single word we have said, and that every single time we speak with nothing to say, it will be held against us come our days of judgement. In some cultures, talking without saying anything, or talking about yourself without taking the time to listen is considered disrespectful. Indeed, it's not an uncommon belief that excessive talking is a vice in much the same way that overindulgence in food is a vice.
Can we get fat off the sound of our own voices? I've tried to talk a lot this week to see what happened, I didn't gain any weight, but my jaw is really tired and my throat is very sore. So, I figure I'm not doing it right.
I am here for advice. I need to know how to shoot off my mouth. I would like to hear about how to talk somebody's ears off without actually saying anything useful.
From the rest of you, I'd like to hear what you think about people who talk for no reason at all.

BeoPuppy · « **Reply #1 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 05:19 »

I am the last person you'd want to ask how exactly to talk. I have trouble with it. All those meaningless, empty phrases that get bandied about every day. It's boring, useless and polluting of my environment. Thus, people who talk to much annoy me to the core.

iamiam · « **Reply #2 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 06:37 »

hey darryl. as someone who is prone to long, extended fits of rambling about absolutely nothing here is my advice to you:

1. develop a horrible amount of awkwardness that causes you to fill the void by talking. as much as possible. because oh god why won't all these words stop coming out of my mouth, i know no one gives a shit but i just can't stop and i don't know if i want to because once i stop the endless awkward silence begins

2. become constantly disoriented and confused so that all your thoughts are jumbled in your mind and you are no longer capable of sorting through which ones should be spoken aloud and which are better kept to yourself. one method i have found to be particularly successful for reaching this state is lack of sleep. when you are incapable of sorting out your ideas, when someone asks you something as simple as where you got your new shirt from you will end up telling them the entire history of the purchase (well it's a funny story actually because i almost wasn't going to be able to buy it because it was sooo expensive but i wanted it so badly for weeks and i knew it would sell out but then somehow it went on sale! i still didn't have enough money but fortunately one of my friends got sick so i covered for her on her shift and on the way to work i saw that the shirt had been marked down another 50%! so i went in and got it and it was the best day ever except that later i found out that my friend actually has a blood disease which really sucks because...). when you try and explain your point in an argument you will not be able to stop stuttering and going around your point in circles and never reaching it because you can't stop explaining all the details but can't figure out how to fit them together to say what they actually mean.

3. stop writing in your diary because you spend too much time on the internet. start using your newfound internet friends as your personal blog. the more self-obsessed you are the more empty chatter you'll be able to throw at them.

wow see this post was just supposed to be a quick way to procrastonate before going to work because i woke up too early this morning but i now have only 5 mins left before i have to leave and i haven't even changed yet but i hope at least i have taught you a thing or two here

öde · « **Reply #3 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 06:54 »

Sentences that start with either "No offence, but..." or "You know what they say..." are always winners.

a pack of wolves · « **Reply #4 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 07:04 »

I'm actually quite guilty of going off on one in a similar fashion to that. My views tend to be rather opposed to those of people who say something along the lines of "you know what they say..." but still, I'm just blathering on about my opinions.

I often find people who can run on and on about nothing much at all quite restful. I have to make no effort in the conversation and I can just daydream about Poison Idea or whatever.

Trollstormur · « **Reply #5 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 08:58 »

Quote from: öde on 24 Jul 2009, 06:54

Sentences that start with either "No offence, but..." or "You know what they say..." are always winners.

don't forget the classic, "I'm not racist, but..."

benji · « **Reply #6 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 10:47 »

Don't filter what you say with the consideration of whether or not someone might care. Instead, just say whatever you are thinking. Stream of consciousness is your friend. You are under no obligation to complete one thought before you start the next one. Nor, in the rare instances where you stop for breath and someone else takes this as an invitation to say something, should you imagine that what they say has any relevance or need to be responded to. Rather, just keep on talking about what you want to talk about, whether it take there words in to consideration or not.

Also, develop a deep interest in things which most people have a much more limited interest in. Good choices are Star Trek, Star Wars, Xena Warier Princes, your own pets, obscure political candidates, the most recent American Idol winner, etc. Find people who have absolutely no reason to be interested in whatever you've picked and start an innocent conversation with them that gradually leads to the topic of your interest. Ignore all social ques that you've reached the limit of their of their interest in the topic. Regard terms like "I've never really watched that show," or "I'm not into politics," or "I prefer classical music," as invitations to be converted rather then indications that they might be legitimately disinterested. When they progress to saying things like "Every time I've seen that show it's looked really dull," or "I really find nothing appealing about his voice," to be evidence that they're starting to come around and want to hear more.

If they start to leave, follow. Members of the opposite sex might try to avoid you with a trip to a bathroom. Don't fall for this. You can follow them all the way to the door and politely wait while they use the facilities. Then, when they leave the bathroom, pick up right where you left off. If they say that they have to study, do yard work, or cook dinner, this is clearly an invitation. What chore would not be made all the more pleasant by your incessant talking? Even if they ask you directly to please leave, you can deflect by saying "yeah, I really should get going, but you know..." and then picking up right where you left off.

Remember: There is no one more interesting then you, and nothing anyone else says is relevant to the conversation you are trying to have. Follow these simple rules and you're on your way to becoming a first glass bore.

maxusy3k · « **Reply #7 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 11:58 »

Work in a call centre. Since I started call centre work I've found it ridiculously easy to take two minutes to issue a potentially one-word answer, and that's without repeating the point. People seem to believe me quicker when, I don't know, I am saying a lot of stuff about how something is a good idea, or that something will happen.

If somebody calls in and asks "WIll my car be collected today?" and I say "Yes." there will be questions. If I take the time to say how I know it'll be collected, even if 90% is just bullshit - it usually is - then the customer leaves satisfied.

Edit:

Quote from: iamiam on 24 Jul 2009, 06:37

2. become constantly disoriented and confused so that all your thoughts are jumbled in your mind and you are no longer capable of sorting through which ones should be spoken aloud and which are better kept to yourself.

Also this, definitely. I can talk for hours without saying a single thing when I'm either sleep deprived, or drunk. I am what people call a 'happy drunk' mainly because I just start to spew an endless fountain of positive things as they enter into my brain, if I bring up another potential subject as I'm talking about something else I will instantly move onto that topic regardless of how jarring and unnatural it is.

It doesn't help that I also talk incredibly fast when I don't have to think carefully about what I'm saying. I got in trouble a few times at my last job because I knew the ins and outs of the product I was working on - again in a call centre - so well I would fire through the information at light speed, completely baffling the customer.

Now I'm going to be late for a party.

Further edit!!: When I am sober and well rested, though, I don't talk unless I feel it's necessary. People who meet me through parties or through work find it a little unnerving how quiet and reflective I am if we hang out elsewhere. Without trying to sound like an arrogant moron, generally if I say anything when I'm with a group of friends in a general situation, say, shopping or at the park or whatever, then usually anything I say adds something to the conversation or is important in some way.

MrBlu · « **Reply #8 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 13:26 »

Quote from: Sox on 24 Jul 2009, 05:16

I am here for advice. I need to know how to shoot off my mouth. I would like to hear about how to talk somebody's ears off without actually saying anything useful.

I'm sure there are women that are near you.

ZING!

No, seriously, that would be an example.

tania · « **Reply #9 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 15:23 »

talking about yourself incessantly is key but in order to fully utilize this you need to first master the art of backdoor compliments, in which you slip good things about yourself into everyday conversation:

"oh, you were on vacation in the caribbean? i went there last year too because my girlfriend had a month long modeling shoot there"
"i've never played guitar hero because i've had so many years of formal music training that the game just bores me"
"it's hard for me to understand why people get into stupid arguments on the qc forum because i always try my best to be nice to everyone"

and so on. once you can get in that initial lead in, you're set! chances are from there the person will say something like "oh really?" or "okay" or "oh" and you can feel free to then continue on about yourself for as long as you want.

MrBlu · « **Reply #10 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 15:29 »

That kinda sounds like you're hinting at someone.

jhocking · « **Reply #11 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 15:56 »

I have this problem where I keep thinking after conversations that I should have asked about them more. Like, I don't just go on about myself unbidden, but they ask questions and I keep answering, and after parting I realize fuck I was just talking about myself the entire time, I should have asked them questions too.

David_Dovey · « **Reply #12 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 16:38 »

Haha Joe I do exactly the same thing. I personally am shit at small talk, but from observing other people I have found that it is very helpful if you can find a way to turn everything anybody ever says into sexual innuendo, preferably with the use of "that's what she said!"

Also handy: Watch Family Guy and movies starring Will Ferrell as often as you can, and try to memorise the dialogue so that you may liberally pepper your conversation with quotes, whether they be relevant to the subject at hand.

If you feel you are not ready to shoot your mouth off in front of people and want to practice, spend a lot of time on Facebook.

Sox · « **Reply #13 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 16:42 »

I want to be inconspicuous, so I'll probably just use these forums as an initial stomping ground while I get the hang of it.

look out! Ninjas! · « **Reply #14 on:** 24 Jul 2009, 17:50 »

If I had to hear all my conversations back to back I'd probably go mad from all the inanity. I won't ever have to though, so I'll keep talking mindless shit until my jaw falls off.

Be My Head · « **Reply #15 on:** 26 Jul 2009, 13:46 »

Sitting here with a loaded gun, waiting to go off....I've got nothin' to do but, shoot my mouth off.

Yes, that was the first thing that came to my mind when I read this.

As for the actual topic, I hate too much speaking.

feerqeer · « **Reply #16 on:** 03 Aug 2009, 05:03 »

Babelling incessantly and boorishly is not a problem for me, having a constructive and useful conversation can be. I tend to get lost in the flow of the conversation. Plus the sound of other peoples stupidity makes me nauseous or angry. The french totally have this problem covered though, you say enough that eventually something meaningful happens. My opinion, talking at people is easy, talking with people? No so. http://ludic-society.net/

Hat · « **Reply #17 on:** 03 Aug 2009, 06:03 »

I have a really bad problem with running my mouth off without consciously realising it to the extent that I have developed a kind of tic that when I cover my mouth with my hand or place the tip of a finger to my lips that is almost certainly a sign that I am thinking something really offensive or stupid and making sure that I am DEFINITELY not saying it out loud

For extra laughs, try asking me to repeat something I have actually said with my hand in front of my mouth because I will suddenly become super embarrassed having realised what I have just said (and you have hopefully not properly heard) and will have to attempt some kind of mondegreen on the fly.

Darryl dogg I cannot give you advice on how to talk to people because I basically forced myself to learn to talk to people by getting a job that required it and it was kind of hard and in some (lots of) situations I am still as ridiculously useless as ever but by golly it worked enough to fool some folks!

maxusy3k · « **Reply #18 on:** 03 Aug 2009, 11:31 »

Quote from: David_Dovey on 24 Jul 2009, 16:38

Haha Joe I do exactly the same thing. I personally am shit at small talk, but from observing other people I have found that it is very helpful if you can find a way to turn everything anybody ever says into sexual innuendo, preferably with the use of "that's what she said!"

"That's what she said." can also be replaced with "Sounds like my ex." depending on the situation. Cheap laughs every time.

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