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Author Topic: How to break up in the modern world?  (Read 10695 times)

Aimless

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How to break up in the modern world?
« on: 14 Oct 2009, 02:57 »

(I thought the original title implied Second Life and World of Warcraft)

http://arstechnica.com/web/news/2009/10/how-to-break-up-in-an-online-worldand-avoid-e-stalkers.ars?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=rss

Quote
In this age of electronic communications and social networks, breaking up with someone can be even more of an ordeal than it has been in the past. A divorce or major breakup can be messy enough without the added reminders about what your ex is up to every hour of the day or who he or she is going out with on the weekends. Plus, there's always that risk that your ex is of The Crazy(tm) variety and is using your social networking updates to ensure that you cannot possibly move on with your life if he or she can help it.

For those who keep a tight leash on who has access to their Internet activities, the solution to this problem might seem obvious. Still, there are legions who don't immediately think of the laundry list of Internet ties to cut when they end up parting ways with a significant other. (We have even heard from several readers about dealing with this issue.) It's those people this guide is aimed at...

I have to admit, I've never really had to deal with this problem, and I don't know anyone who's ever had a stalker (to the best of my--as well as their--knowledge). There have been some occasions when it's really felt like a good idea to electronically cut off a girl from my life, but it's never been a big deal for me. As for passwords, mine are sacred and probably not known to anyone I know personally...

How about you guys? I get the impression you and your friends/partners are more immersed in the online world than are mine. Has that given rise to any significant challenges that you'd perhaps not have had to deal with eg. ten years ago?
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scarred

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #1 on: 14 Oct 2009, 03:00 »

Protip: don't date the crazy.
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David_Dovey

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #2 on: 14 Oct 2009, 03:24 »

But all bitches be crazy, bro. True facts.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #3 on: 14 Oct 2009, 03:26 »

Protip: Don't date Gilead.
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David_Dovey

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #4 on: 14 Oct 2009, 03:28 »

OH SNAP

Pro tip: Only date Amish
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #5 on: 14 Oct 2009, 04:01 »

How to break up in the modern world: 'so and so is now listed as single.'
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Barmymoo

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #6 on: 14 Oct 2009, 05:37 »

Most of the people I've met here at uni are in relationships.
Most of the people I've met who are in relationships have a relationship status on facebook.
Most of those statuses refer to college marriages, as opposed to real-life relationships.

We were discussing this, and someone pointed out that if you immediately jump to put "So and so is in a relationship with such and such", then you get dozens of comments and likes. But when you become single, you get dozens of private messages. Either way, people who you don't see often and don't really care about or speak to much find out intimate details or your life and feel they can and should commiserate.

People you're close to, whether real life or online, probably find out about significant developments in your life without social networking sites, and everyone else doesn't really need to know.

As for stalkers, or just irritating updates about your ex's new love, you can either block them, unfriend them or just disable the updates. I don't think it's that different to choosing not to meet up and hang out every day.

Also, for god's sake who gives out their passwords to every account they use?
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Jimmy the Squid

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #7 on: 14 Oct 2009, 05:43 »

If you loved me you'd give me your bank account number, Driver's License and a copy of your birth certificate.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #8 on: 14 Oct 2009, 05:46 »

But Jimmy I did give you those and I hardly even knew you
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Barmymoo

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #9 on: 14 Oct 2009, 05:46 »

Good job I'm a soulless shell of hate, then.
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Jimmy the Squid

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #10 on: 14 Oct 2009, 05:49 »

You knew me reasonably well! Either way it serves as proof that I'm not going to steal your identity.

Let's see how far we can push this, what's the password to your Facebook account so I can ruin all your personal relationships show you how trustworthy I am.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #11 on: 14 Oct 2009, 09:21 »

HAHA!  I have deftly avoided any of these pitfalls by not being a member of any social networking site!  Everyone, you have permission to bask in my glory for 30 seconds AND NO LONGER!
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #12 on: 14 Oct 2009, 09:50 »

Social networking sites are useful to keep in contact with friends you don't live near and to share information between said folks but aside from that, I always recommend discretion. I don't use my real name or my actual location on Facebook. I don't have my relationship status showing and I don't actually talk about anything that happens in my real life. My status updates are usually just whatever song is playing at that moment and only around five percent of the time is it pertinent to anything going on in my life.

I always figure that stuff like marital status, religious or political affiliation should be kept relatively private. Putting out too much information is usually asking for trouble.
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KickThatBathProf

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #13 on: 14 Oct 2009, 09:52 »

Well you are no fun
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #14 on: 14 Oct 2009, 10:03 »

Most of those statuses refer to college marriages, as opposed to real-life relationships.

What on earth is a college marriage?
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #15 on: 14 Oct 2009, 11:06 »

Coming out of my lurking hole because this thread reminds me of this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0g4GgewOV8 (Do click, quite amusing!)
This actually happened to me, too.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #16 on: 14 Oct 2009, 11:16 »

Most of those statuses refer to college marriages, as opposed to real-life relationships.

What on earth is a college marriage?

I would like to know the answer to this as well. Also, both my parents just got Facebook accounts and friended me. Uggggggggh whyyyyyyy.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #17 on: 14 Oct 2009, 11:29 »

I don't see that it's all that much of a problem if you use common sense. LiveJournal's been around since around the time I first started really dating, so almost all of my relationships have been in the digital age.

I've been both followed and done some following of my own on social networks with exes. The extent of my following was stumbling on my ex's DeadJournal when she left it in the internet history on my computer, and that wasn't even an after the fact thing, we were still seeing each other, so I checked it out and found out it was actually a backup to her LJ that she'd made to hide shit from me (Including the fact she was contemplating cheating on me), so I broke up with her the evening I found it. Said girl called me a scumbag for looking at her "private stuff" (Which she'd posted on a public forum, without any kind of lock on it and then checked on MY computer), but I still don't see that I did anything wrong to this day. I originally assumed she probably intended for me to see it so that she could get out of the relationship without having to dump me, but apparently she took the breakup horribly at first and I was just giving her intelligence too much credit.

Said girl subsequently LJ/AIM stalked me for a while and a later girlfriend did the same with a couple friends of hers, but that's the worst I've ever gotten. Since then, I've kept my MySpace and Facebook private and have yet to have a problem result from it. I always remove a woman when I stop seeing her just so I don't have to follow her life. It's not a problem if you don't want it to be, nor is it anything particularly new. We have these things in real life called social networks as well. We have our co-workers, our friends, our family, our friends of friends and we'll deal with these awkward questions and tensions between friends of friends and the occasional unwanted update on their life with or without stuff like Facebook.

This only becomes a problem when both parties refuse to let go, and that's a personal problem and not a new one at that. I've caught more exes spying on me outside work when I did retail or making unwanted calls to my cell phone than I ever dealt with spying on me through social networking sites. Maybe I've missed some instances, but that's not my problem, as I don't follow their lives. It's not hard to remove them and put them on ignore lists if they don't get the hint.

I think the real problem is that people just put too much emphasis on Facebook politics in general. A friend of mine was complaining to me about how his ex is on his ass for deleting all his old pictures of her from his Facebook and he apparently saw it coming. I seem to be in the minority in terms of being willing to decline friends or remove people because I know it's for the best.
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StaedlerMars

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #18 on: 14 Oct 2009, 11:39 »


What on earth is a college marriage?

I would like to know the answer to this as well. Also, both my parents just got Facebook accounts and friended me. Uggggggggh whyyyyyyy.

I'm fairly certain Barmymoo means the fact that people are jokingly married to each other when they're really just close friends.
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Dimmukane

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #19 on: 14 Oct 2009, 13:24 »

Facebook doesn't allow for double-marriages, though, so real ones take precedence.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #20 on: 14 Oct 2009, 15:16 »

both my parents just got Facebook accounts and friended me. Uggggggggh whyyyyyyy.

My children seem to feel that I am out of touch because I don't (actively) use FaceBook, and would be pleased if I did.  But I can't be bothered, actually, as email and phone/Skype do just fine.  I do have a FaceBook account, as there are sometimes things I'd like to see which I cannot get access to without one.
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Barmymoo

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #21 on: 14 Oct 2009, 15:45 »

No, a college marriage is a thing.

I don't know how it works in other universities but here in Cambridge there is a wonderful pastoral system where every fresher is assigned two second year "parents", usually a "mum" and "dad" but as I'm a women's college I have two mums. The second years apply to become parents and have to get "married" so that every fresher ends up with two parents and a sibling. Not all the colleges use this system; at a college just down the road they have aunts and uncles but it's the same principle. The great thing is that at least one of your parents takes your subject (both of mine do) so you have an immediate reference point for any kind of problem and a good source of cheap second-hand textbooks. My college parents are both awesome and have been really helpful since I got here.

Some people take the marriages semi-seriously in a joky way (last week some friends of a friend had a belated marriage ceremony with cheap rings and homemade cake and a pretend service) and some people don't bother with a ceremony but everyone gets involved and it's a wonderful way of creating a ready-made family for when you arrive. A fantastic result of it is that there's an extended family of aunts and grandmothers who are always thrilled to meet the first years and help out; I can't imagine many second and third years would be that interested in freshers if they didn't have some kind of pre-formed relationship with them, even if it's superficial.

Wow, sorry for writing a derailing essay, but I really love this system. One of my college mums got me out of a hole with my essay and talked me through how to read case law, while the other one was very kind and sweet when I was feeling down and also hilariously funny at a cocktail party last night (for funny read drunk).

Yeah. So lots of Cambridge students' facebook statuses are "married".
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #22 on: 14 Oct 2009, 15:50 »

Oh, yeah, St. Andrews does that too I guess. Edinburgh doesn't though. I've always thought it's kind of neat, so I've been a bit jealous.

Out of curiosity: how do you guys handle visiting third year students?
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Barmymoo

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #23 on: 14 Oct 2009, 15:56 »

They don't get parents, but they do get support! I think everyone is so used to being nice to people in case they are freshers that it kind of spills over; everyone smiles at everyone all the time! After two years in the welsh borders and sixteen years in yorkshire this is refreshing.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #24 on: 14 Oct 2009, 15:59 »

Most of those statuses refer to college marriages, as opposed to real-life relationships.

What on earth is a college marriage?

I would like to know the answer to this as well. Also, both my parents just got Facebook accounts and friended me. Uggggggggh whyyyyyyy.
My half sister's dad friended me recently, even though I'm not related to him in any way.  beat that
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #25 on: 14 Oct 2009, 17:04 »

My bitch stepmother requested my best friend and even I don't have her friended.  Hell, I don't have my dad.  I think I beat that.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #26 on: 14 Oct 2009, 17:16 »

My half sister's dad friended me recently, even though I'm not related to him in any way.  beat that

Your half sister's dad friended me. I win.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #27 on: 14 Oct 2009, 17:31 »

This is a thing that worries me on occasion, but I don't overly want to talk about my insecurities to do with my relationship on a public forum. Well, I guess they are not really insecurities, more like I am not being naive and think about potential futures.


Either way, it would probably be kinda awkward around here if there is a breakup, as some of you can imagine.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #28 on: 14 Oct 2009, 18:20 »

People around here tend to leave when relationships begin, not when they end.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #29 on: 14 Oct 2009, 18:24 »

It would also depend on if the break-up was amicable or hostile.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #30 on: 14 Oct 2009, 18:35 »

No worries, we all know whose side we'd come down in the event of a relationship dissolution.

The side that controls the giant robot.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #31 on: 14 Oct 2009, 18:37 »

In my experience, breakups usually end neither amicably or with hostility, but with a lot of confusion and a variety of mixed moods and feelings super condensed into a very short space of time. I don't blame anybody for the way they might behave following a breakup unless it goes on more than a few weeks, you gotta be getting over it by that point. One moment you're in love with the person you just broke up with, the next you hate them and want them to die, then you hate yourself and want to die for thinking it because you think they were perfect, then you think you're being stupid because they behaved like an asshole etc. You can go through the process several times a day for several days following a breakup, it's totally fine.

I think it's important to be patient during that initial breakup period, because unless one party did something absolutely irredeemable, all breakups are amicable eventually anyway. Nobody ever feels the same way forever.


Edit: And you never take sides after a breakup (unless, like I said, one party did something absolutely irredeemable) because it's not your breakup, why should you pick a side? Just don't get involved and wait until that initial breakup period is over. Nobody can be angry at you for refusing to get involved.
« Last Edit: 14 Oct 2009, 18:41 by Sox »
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #32 on: 14 Oct 2009, 18:43 »

sorry hannah, est is a mod

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #33 on: 14 Oct 2009, 18:46 »

Mods are all just cheap whores compared to Ben's pimp admin status.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #34 on: 14 Oct 2009, 19:02 »

Hey!

I'm not cheap!
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #35 on: 14 Oct 2009, 19:14 »

Affordable.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #36 on: 14 Oct 2009, 19:14 »

My bitch stepmother requested my best friend and even I don't have her friended.  Hell, I don't have my dad.  I think I beat that.
yeah
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #37 on: 14 Oct 2009, 21:16 »

Most of the people I've met here at uni are in relationships.
Most of the people I've met who are in relationships have a relationship status on facebook.
Most of those statuses refer to college marriages, as opposed to real-life relationships.

We were discussing this, and someone pointed out that if you immediately jump to put "So and so is in a relationship with such and such", then you get dozens of comments and likes. But when you become single, you get dozens of private messages. Either way, people who you don't see often and don't really care about or speak to much find out intimate details or your life and feel they can and should commiserate.

People you're close to, whether real life or online, probably find out about significant developments in your life without social networking sites, and everyone else doesn't really need to know.
Which is why I keep my relationship status off Facebook.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #38 on: 14 Oct 2009, 21:42 »

Crazy girls with your mobile no. are far more irritating than people stalking you with social networking sites.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #39 on: 14 Oct 2009, 21:45 »

Which is why I keep my relationship status off Facebook.

What's stopping you from facebook marrying Gary Busey? *

Honestly, I think there are multiple ways of dealing with what many perceive to be an invasion of privacy.  A few of them are funny.  Those are the ones that I prefer over simply locking it down.

*Furthermore, young turk, what's stopping you from ACTUALLY marrying Gary Busey?
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #40 on: 14 Oct 2009, 22:55 »

I don't see that it's all that much of a problem if you use common sense.

I seem to be in the minority in terms of being willing to decline friends or remove people because I know it's for the best.

I periodically delete people from my facebook when I deem them no longer pertinent to my life. So if I haven't spoken to someone at least via MSN or Skype in the last 3 months or if I just can't remember why I accepted the friend request in the first place then that person is deleted.

My last ex-girlfriend decided to add me on facebook and in the name of being An OK Dude I accepted it and she went on to be incredibly passive-aggressive in all our interactions and attempt to rub it in my face that she is going out with some guy I used to know (the brother of another of my exes). It was a bit weird.

In my experience, breakups usually end neither amicably or with hostility.

I make a point of being an utter cunt to the people I break up with. It makes things easier because I don't have to be friends with them afterwards. I also try to make a point of not having mutual friends so it's easier. Basically I go into relationships expecting them to fail miserably and so organise my life to accomodate that fact.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #41 on: 15 Oct 2009, 04:42 »

My fiancee is much more private than me (she only had a Facebook profile for like a month before deleting it because it was making her nervous, and even gives pizza delivery places a fake name) and becomes annoyed when I post a picture with her in it to my Facebook. How ironic, someone who doesn't care if people on the internet know his address being with someone who doesn't want the internet knowing anything about her at all.

Jimmy the Squid

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #42 on: 15 Oct 2009, 04:43 »

That's not private Joe, that is paranoid.
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jhocking

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #43 on: 15 Oct 2009, 04:44 »

On an unrelated note, I've picked up her habit of cleaning my hands so thoroughly and often that my fingers get dry and cracked from lack of natural oils.

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #44 on: 15 Oct 2009, 04:49 »

you don't even need to talk to people about it anymore, just ignore them for a few days and change your relationship status to single, they'll get the picture.
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phooey

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #45 on: 15 Oct 2009, 04:59 »

If you really take that approach, it baffles me that you ever had enough respect for your significant other to start seeing them in the first thing.  What a shitty thing to do.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #46 on: 15 Oct 2009, 05:44 »

Joe, tell your fiancee that the internet keeps hassling you to just marry her already. That oughta make her feel better about being online.
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calenlass

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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #47 on: 15 Oct 2009, 07:20 »

I don't blame anybody for the way they might behave following a breakup unless it goes on more than a few weeks, you gotta be getting over it by that point.


I think what you mean is that by this point they can stop thinking about it 100% of times and no one necessarily has to hear about it anymore. I know it takes me longer (months) than that to get over someone I have been particularly invested in, but at least after a few weeks I can talk about other shit.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #48 on: 15 Oct 2009, 07:22 »

Joe, tell your fiancee that the internet keeps hassling you to just marry her already. That oughta make her feel better about being online.

Maybe it's her that's behind all of the delays.

I mean, she is supposed to be marrying Joe Hocking.
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Re: How to break up in the modern world?
« Reply #49 on: 15 Oct 2009, 07:42 »

These were both before Facebook, but they still apply.  Not sure if Myspace existed at this time?

Anyway, onetime my past-girlfriend and I were going out and here crazy ex would always IM me and tell me that she was cheating on me and that he was going to hurt me.  In retrospect, there were a million ways I could have handled that better (just block the moron) but I wad too intrigued by him.  He basically ended up fucking things up, mostly my fault.  I was 16 so I guess screwing up is par for the course.

Blakejustblake: That's harsh dogg
Another time I broke up with a girl and we had been having good times but I was 17 and thus too scared to stay in a relationship for more than 3 months so I ended up breaking up and getting back together like 3 times and eventually she made a post on her live journal about how I was being a suck-bag.  I asked her to remove it cause I felt it was our private business, not the internet's business, that I was being a total suck-bag.

Last night I was talking to my recent ex-girlfriend.  We had broken up relatively amicably after about 3 years.  I forget how the conversation went but it ended with her telling me that she never wants to talk to me again, ever.

Maybe I should just never incorporate the internet into my relationships.

Has the internet harmed anyone else's relationships?
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