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[sandysmilinstrange]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPKVqLLN_SM

My comedy team made this. It's a long way from perfect due to some rather slack-ass direction and some weird last-minute cast shuffling, but I'm overall pleased with it. Check it out, critique is welcome and if you like it, share it. We're trying to get more web-friendly.

Thanks!

[ruyi]

I don't know very much about this kind of thing, but I have two small suggestions:

1) When the guy is butchering all the pick-up lines, maybe have the camera focused only on him. I don't know the terminology for this kind of thing, but you know when you cut to a more zoomed-in shot? You could use that technique to punctuate how badly he's fucking up. The key thing, though, is to just not have the girl in the shot, cos then she's just kinda forced to drag out the 'wtf?' reaction. Maybe you could cut very quickly to her eye twitching in response to some particularly egregious offense, or something like that.

2) End it after the bartender slaps him. I thought that was pretty funny and well-executed with the timing/pacing, whereas the coda of 'guy finally succeeds in picking up a chick but then oh wait it's a dude or transvestite???' is kind of old and not that funny.

And finally, in general I find it makes a big difference when the pacing/cuts are tight.

[ruyi]

I think it'd make more sense if he expressed with his face or whatever that he was recognizing his failure and trying a new pick-up line, because right now it just seems like he's rattling them all off without regard to the way the woman is responding.

Also maybe her reaction could escalate in stages. Like, the camera's on his face, with him looking to the right of the screen, he says his first line kind of normally, then cut to her looking a bit uncomfortable (e.g., looks to the side, rubs her neck). Then back to him, maybe include her in the shot, but have us only see the back of her. He looks a bit flustered, like he realizes his mistake, then he starts forcing the lines out a bit more rushed, and then she could start doing what she's doing now (e.g., making a face, "What?!").

Some of the dialogue could be developed a bit, though of course I don't presume to know what you're aiming for. Here I'm just pulling shit out of my ass for the ending:

"If I said you had a sexy body...could I have unprotected sex with it?"

She blinks at him.

"I just...I really want to have unprotected sex with you...please. *beat* Er, well if you want I guess we could use a condom -"

She slaps, freeze-frame with the text over the image, the bartender slaps, etc.

I think you could experiment some more with how her reaction could progress. I can imagine it going from discomfort => weirded out and/or pissed => blank disbelief, as in the little section above. But I don't know what would be funniest.

Okay sorry that was rambly, hope it was a little bit helpful!!

[ruyi]

Okay ugh one more post.

Watching it again, I see that he does react to what he's saying / how she's responding, so I guess the initial impression I got (that he was kinda just rattling off the different lines) is probably due to timing or the fact that it's just one long shot, because when the camera's on the both of them, I look at her when she says "What?!" and so I don't notice his expressions as readily.

[sandysmilinstrange]

Awesome! Thank you, these are all good observations. Also, I agree one hundred percent about the dude in drag.

Hopefully our future projects will be a little better thought-out so that we have time to actually think about camera angles and the like, because the more I watch, the more repetitive it gets when she's having to continually "What? Excuse me?" etc.

Thanks for taking the time to watch and give a helpful critique.