Topic: The Most Ungoodly (Read 36838 times)

Tergon · « **on:** 24 Feb 2010, 04:32 »

It's pretty safe to say we've all heard someone say, "This is the worst song of all time". And usually when they say it they're talking about a lousy song, no question. But a recent conversation got me wondering - what exactly makes up a bad song? For example, listening to The Spice Girls makes me want to puncture my own eardrums, but even I have to admit the group had some decent vocal talent. Or how everyone always rags on Country & Western as bad music, but it's largely made up of talented artists playing songs that take a lot of skill to perform. And when an artist or genre is popular, they must have *something* going for them. So, personal opinion is an annoying factor.

That's why I started looking at more objective things. What it boiled down to, I figured, was to keep it simple:
Lyrics - Does the song actually make sense, or is it just idiotic?
Rhythm - Can I shake my booty to it?
Vocals - Is there any kind of decent voicework?
Instrumentals - Can the band at least give me a good riff?
Composition - Is it put together well?
Irony - If it's sub-par for any reason, can you at least say it was a joke on behalf of the artist?

Because, see, even the most terrible song isn't beyond redemption. We've all got that one friend who picks out a homemade tune on whatever instrument they fancy, singing a song about dragons and leprechauns or whatever. And we all hear the latest R&B "masterpiece" about popping a pig's cap with nine booty hoes, or however it goes. And even in the most awful pieces of music, even the pieces that barely deserve that title, there's a glimmer of talent, of potential.

Except for this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJBL1g9DY-k

I present Brandy's 1996 song, What About Us?. The lyrics are chanted, so we can rule out singing talent. The words, when examined, are idiotic at best and gibberish at worst, to say nothing of them not even being an attempt at rhyme to keep the music tied together. The beat is deliberately disjointed, so good luck dancing to it. The instruments are computer-generated, so that's out. Even the voice has been modded, so it's not even her natural voice we hear.
This is, quite literally, a song that required absolutely no musical talent whatsoever to produce.

And I firmly believe it is the single worst song in existence. Not just because of my own dislike of it; but because it goes against everything that you could consider to be music by any reasonable definition.

Why bring this up? Why rant it to you? Why bother with this longwinded, overblown, self-indulgent tripe? Simple.
You see, I firmly believe I've named the Worst Song of All Time. And now I challenge you all, I defy you all... hell, I outright DARE you all.

FIND ME A WORSE SONG.

scarred · « **Reply #1 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 04:36 »

http://www.wired.com/listening_post/2008/04/a-scientific-at/

scarred · « **Reply #2 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 04:39 »

also

http://www.wired.com/listening_post/2008/05/survey-produced/

KharBevNor · « **Reply #3 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 05:09 »

I always thought it was kinda interesting how much the scientifically formulated worst song sounds like Mr. Bungle.

a pack of wolves · « **Reply #4 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 05:17 »

What the hell are you talking about, that song is excellent. Seriously, it has a big riff, randomly stabbing drums, bizarre lyrics... regardless of intention, there is nothing I don't like about their end result.

Quote from: Tergon on 24 Feb 2010, 04:32

I present Brandy's 1996 song, What About Us?. The lyrics are chanted, so we can rule out singing talent. The words, when examined, are idiotic at best and gibberish at worst, to say nothing of them not even being an attempt at rhyme to keep the music tied together. The beat is deliberately disjointed, so good luck dancing to it. The instruments are computer-generated, so that's out. Even the voice has been modded, so it's not even her natural voice we hear.
This is, quite literally, a song that required absolutely no musical talent whatsoever to produce.

Did you actually listen to this song? The singing isn't chanted, nothing extensive but this isn't spoken word. The words aren't gibberish, it's a very straightforward "you're not good enough for me" song. Not the most inspiring stuff, but it's failing is in being too obvious not in nonsense. The beat's more than steady enough to dance to. And it takes musical talent to program a beat and play synths, despite what whiny rock musicians might claim. As for it going against what could be considered music, that's just nonsense. Listen to Lambsbread. That's still music, so the idea this song is outside the scope of music just means you don't listen to much music.

As for your criteria, well, they're pretty bad too. A song making sense or not is massively subjective when bands start getting a little obtuse in the lyrics. Can you shake your booty to it? Fuck that, I like to dance but plenty of music simply isn't designed for that. Decent voicework, again, totally subjective. I think Jon Chang's a great vocalist, you might think he makes stupid noise. Instrumentals? What does this even mean? Composition, how is this more objective than anything else? And what's irony doing here?

Basically all I get from this is that you've got something against R&B, which is silly because R Kelly is better than you.

Worst song ever is My Humps though. You can tell this by the way it is so bad it can briefly put you off breasts.

David_Dovey · « **Reply #5 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 05:34 »

The thing I find most interesting about the Scientifically Formulated Worst Song is the lack of imagination on the part of those surveyed. Basically, no matter how hard you try to think of the worst music ever, there will be people out there making stuff twenty times worse, and they will think it is fucking rad. See: Complete, Brokencyde.

Ptommydski · « **Reply #6 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 07:48 »

Quote from: Jeans on 24 Feb 2010, 05:11

Hoogie Boogie Land, by Complete.

He wants the worst song, not the best.

I've already linked this on Meebo but it might well be the answer to this question.

McTaggart · « **Reply #7 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 08:13 »

I don't know about the worst song ever, but the worst song that is getting radio play at the moment is titled "Splitting the Difference" by someone whose name I forget and hope to never know. Youtube mercifully doesn't have it, and hypem tells me that it's not being talked about on blogs and it took me all afternoon to remember it. I find it hard to describe since it's so utterly bland. It's too slow to dance to, too meaningless to think about, too insistent to ignore. It's even slightly too catchy to just forget about as soon as it's over. I choose to quantify 'worst' as the song that has the highest rate of me turning my car radio off when it comes on the radio.

Second is a tie between every Silverchair song since they stopped trying to be Nirvana.

Daft pun · « **Reply #8 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 08:36 »

Now I'm all curious and have to hear what you're talking about.

OK, I think I found it. Well, that is pretty bland.

Quote from: McTaggart

It's too slow to dance to, too meaningless to think about, too insistent to ignore. It's even slightly too catchy to just forget about as soon as it's over.

Perfectly describes my feelings after listening to that. Well done.

McTaggart · « **Reply #9 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 08:51 »

Yeah that's it. Sorry.

pwhodges · « **Reply #10 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 11:23 »

The Classic.

KharBevNor · « **Reply #11 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 16:30 »

Worst song ever

TheFuriousWombat · « **Reply #12 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 16:37 »

I think you guys all mislinked. Here's what you meant to say.

Melodic · « **Reply #13 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 16:40 »

ITT: Khar becomes risque.

JD · « **Reply #14 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 16:47 »

ONE LESSSSS LONELYYYYY GIRLLLL

TheFuriousWombat · « **Reply #15 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 17:06 »

Hmm that is a pretty good choice

Patrick · « **Reply #16 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 17:48 »

Quote from: TheFuriousWombat on 24 Feb 2010, 16:37

I think you guys all mislinked. Here's what you meant to say.

I actually really like that song for some reason. Khar's got it dead on, but this is classic Van Halen, d0gg.

Zombiedude is totally right. Also, gonna quote somebody from the comment thread: "she looks like his older sister or baby sitter"

Spluff · « **Reply #17 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 18:24 »

Quote from: Melodic on 24 Feb 2010, 16:40

ITT: Khar becomes risque.

Becomes? I'm pretty sure Khar was ejected from his mother's womb risque.

Tergon · « **Reply #18 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 18:42 »

Quote from: a pack of wolves on 24 Feb 2010, 05:17

Did you actually listen to this song? The singing isn't chanted, nothing extensive but this isn't spoken word. The words aren't gibberish, it's a very straightforward "you're not good enough for me" song. Not the most inspiring stuff, but it's failing is in being too obvious not in nonsense. The beat's more than steady enough to dance to. And it takes musical talent to program a beat and play synths, despite what whiny rock musicians might claim. As for it going against what could be considered music, that's just nonsense. Listen to Lambsbread. That's still music, so the idea this song is outside the scope of music just means you don't listen to much music.

As for your criteria, well, they're pretty bad too. A song making sense or not is massively subjective when bands start getting a little obtuse in the lyrics. Can you shake your booty to it? Fuck that, I like to dance but plenty of music simply isn't designed for that. Decent voicework, again, totally subjective. I think Jon Chang's a great vocalist, you might think he makes stupid noise. Instrumentals? What does this even mean? Composition, how is this more objective than anything else? And what's irony doing here?

Basically all I get from this is that you've got something against R&B, which is silly because R Kelly is better than you.

Worst song ever is My Humps though. You can tell this by the way it is so bad it can briefly put you off breasts.

Well, okay, no need to jump down my throat. You think I was unfair, that's cool, but I'm not sure the personal shots were absolutely necessary here.

First off, I don't mind R&B. The style doesn't bother me too much; my criteria were my attempting to remove this from just a "I hate this song asdasdfawergqawet" rant. Apparently I didn't do a great job at expressing that. And I do acknowledge that yeah, no matter what, I'm gonna be biased a bit, and it's going to be objective. I'm not a complete idiot.
As to the criteria, I'm not saying EVERY SONG EVER MUST BE LIKE THIS. Just that, if a song can offer me something in one of these areas, I'll concede that yeah, it's got good stuff going for it. And there are songs that don't. What About Us? turned me off completely, and once I decided I didn't like the song, I looked to all these areas to find some redeeming factor and could not. Maybe I'm a snob, maybe I'm a tool, but professional music does have standards and I could not find a way in which this song met them. Any dickhead can make random noises on a guitar, but a talented musician can take those noises, put them into the right order, and produce a decent song out of it.

The criteria were just a way of trying to look at it objectively. Vocals and Instrumental, well, okay, not every song has words, and not every song has instruments. I don't care, I can still enjoy the music. Composition? That goes back to making all those annoying noises come out in an order that's pleasant to the ear. Lyrics? I don't demand that every song be a work of Shakespeare, but a bit of coherence now and then is nice. And if all else fails, well, that's where Irony comes in. You said you hated My Humps, and that's fine, but I look at that song and chuckle and say, "Yeah, they did that on purpose." Which means that from a certain perspective, it's not that bad at all.

The whole point of this was a bit of a challenge to everyone to supply what they thought was the worst song ever. I figured it'd be amusing at worst, and maybe inspire a bit of discussion as to why some songs are better or worse to keep it interesting. Personal attacks was a bit beyond what I'd hoped for, but okay, I can be flexible here. I'd just try to point out that I used exaggeration for the sake of comedy a bit, just to give what I wrote a bit of a flow. Obviously the song can offer SOMETHING or nobody would like it at all. I'm just saying I personally did not, and I'm trying to explain why.

And as a final note, I might simply in self-defence say that as long as you're going to chastise me for not allowing for personal opinion and objectivity... you might show a little respect for MY opinion. Y'know, to be fair.

Also: One Less Lonely GIrl is now high on my Hate List. I just want to punch that kid.

a pack of wolves · « **Reply #19 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 19:50 »

Oh come on, saying R Kelly is better than you isn't a personal attack. The man wrote Ignition (Remix), he's better than most things.

What I was saying was the trying to look at it objectively is pointless. All that comes out is subjective opinions, and by dressing it up in the way you did claiming things like the lyrics being gibberish become ridiculous because they aren't. If you just admit that the lyrics make sense but you think they're crap (you're right, they are), that the beat is functional (but it is lazy and boring), that the vocals are sung but without any passion or interesting structure, then you'd actually make a better argument for why this is a bad song. Like I said, the way you did it you ended up sounding like you were taking a pop at R&B (the bit about programming instruments taking no skill is a frequent and erroneous rock-bias argument) but without giving any reason why.

I don't hate My Humps because it misses on some arbitrary criteria. I hate My Humps because it infantilises sex and the body. It's practically paedophilic, they sound like twelve year olds. It also just sounds so much like product. And not product in the Girls Aloud 'manifesto about being British manufacturing' way that is also pretty crap (but the group are good) yet at least takes a stand, product in a dead-eyed cold calculation way. It's a song that should come free with a happy meal, and that should be detested. It's even more annoying that it isn't, listening to it is like being reminded constantly that Iggy Pop wants to flog you car insurance and bands are greedy for advertisers to endorse them. "Please let us hawk you shitty phone, it'll make our careers!" Sickening.

Zingoleb · « **Reply #20 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 19:59 »

Also in a Kohl's commercial.

Also in a Guinness commercial.

Iggy Pop: Not just a car insurance salesman.

Patrick · « **Reply #21 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 20:25 »

Eric Clapton sells cell phones. I really can't stand to listen to any of his post-Dominoes material anyway though so it's all good.

David_Dovey · « **Reply #22 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 20:44 »

Doo doo doo weedly weedly weedly what the fuck

JD · « **Reply #23 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 20:54 »

Her nickname is kelly clarkson

Inlander · « **Reply #24 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 22:35 »

This fucking thread made me go and YouTube fucking "Wonderful Tonight" and it's just as fucking awful as it's always fucking been.

Inlander · « **Reply #25 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 22:38 »

Which is to be expected when it pretty shamelessly rips off one of the loveliest songs ever written.

DavidGrohl · « **Reply #26 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 23:20 »

Quote from: Inlander on 24 Feb 2010, 22:38

Which is to be expected when it pretty shamelessly rips off one of the loveliest songs ever written.

That dude would totally get laid after that. Guaranteed.

Inlander · « **Reply #27 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 23:22 »

"That dude" would totally get laid just by virtue of the fact that he's Fred Astaire.

Tergon · « **Reply #28 on:** 24 Feb 2010, 23:46 »

'S all good, Wolfy. I didn't make myself clear enough, and then I misinterpreted what you said. I was trying to explain myself more clearly, and you do have some good points. So, okay, I will concede that the creation of What About Us? would have taken some skill. I will simply stand by my belief that it didn't take a terribly huge amount.

And I'm sorry I bit back at you when I thought I'd been bitten myself. Internets make paranoid fools of us all.

Also: Jessica Simpson's I Think I'm In Love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zee8nrWUTJo
Because every time I hear this song, I hear the guitar from John Mellencamp's Jack And Diane. And then the song is NOT Mr. Mellencamp singing, it's Jessica Simpson. And that's terrible.

BeoPuppy · « **Reply #29 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 00:42 »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJpoC-OwqRs&feature=channel

Going to throw this out there. Any and everything this gentleman has ever put out is the ultimate in shit music.

But then I really don't see the point in dance music whatsoever.

Zingoleb · « **Reply #30 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 00:44 »

Maybe dancing to it?

Just a guess.

BeoPuppy · « **Reply #31 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 00:46 »

Yeah, I figured. But I don't really see the point. It's ugly music without meaning. Why would anyone voluntairily be in the neighbourhood of ugly music?

Inlander · « **Reply #32 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 01:48 »

Jarvis Cocker has some useful input for you.

BeoPuppy · « **Reply #33 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 02:27 »

Haven't listened to the tune but having looked up the lyrics ... oh, yes. Too true.

look out! Ninjas! · « **Reply #34 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 03:14 »

I still feel that the worst song ever recorded is Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani. It seems to satisfy all the criteria in the OP pretty much perfectly, as if it were composed with such a purpose.

a pack of wolves · « **Reply #35 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 03:52 »

Quote from: BeoPuppy on 25 Feb 2010, 00:46

Yeah, I figured. But I don't really see the point. It's ugly music without meaning. Why would anyone voluntairily be in the neighbourhood of ugly music?

Because it's not ugly. It's total party. Total party that's absolutely ridiculous, knows it and is just having a grand old time. I mean, they claim "gothic doesn't exist", reference the KLF all over the shop and had a hit with a song called How Much Is The Fish. What's not to love?

Quote from: Tergon on 24 Feb 2010, 23:46

So, okay, I will concede that the creation of What About Us? would have taken some skill. I will simply stand by my belief that it didn't take a terribly huge amount.

I can back you on this. Also on Jessica Simpson sucking.

David_Dovey · « **Reply #36 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 04:00 »

Quote from: BeoPuppy on 25 Feb 2010, 00:42

Going to throw this out there. Any and everything this gentleman has ever put out is the ultimate in shit music.

But then I really don't see the point in dance music whatsoever.

So yeah Scooter sucks, this is truth. But do I really need to point out how using the low point of a genre to discount something as vast and varied as "dance music" is retardis in extremis?

Akima · « **Reply #37 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 04:56 »

Wouldn't the "worst song ever" be something like the Horst Wessel Song? Plagiarised tune, clunky lyrics, hateful politics...

David_Dovey · « **Reply #38 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 05:15 »

Quote from: Jeans on 25 Feb 2010, 04:49

John Darnielle can show you.

y'know i'm not sure that a kid who listened to dance records to drown out the sound of his mother being beaten is really the best recommendation

(that is still possibly my favourite Mtn Gts song though)

David_Dovey · « **Reply #39 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 05:16 »

hang on am i missing the joke again?

i'm missing the joke aren't i

fuck

Inlander · « **Reply #40 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 05:31 »

This thread's basically just that "best song" thread all over again, except with terrible music. Let's talk about our favourite Mountain Goats songs for a while instead!

I think my favourite might be Hast Thou Considered the Tetrapod.

David_Dovey · « **Reply #41 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 05:33 »

fuck

(hey jens i am probably going to spend the next week or so listening to nothing but the Mountain Goats now, and it is all yr fault)

David_Dovey · « **Reply #42 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 05:39 »

holy shit guys have you seen this video

David_Dovey · « **Reply #43 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 05:48 »

Anybody who has read Lords of Chaos is pretty familiar with "Come to the Sabbat" already, as it's pretty heavily referenced in the first chapter. And yes, it is fucking shit.

According to Wikipedia, they've reformed!

KharBevNor · « **Reply #44 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 05:52 »

Quote from: David_Dovey on 25 Feb 2010, 04:00

So yeah Scooter sucks, this is truth. But do I really need to point out how using the low point of a genre to discount something as vast and varied as "dance music" is retardis in extremis?

Not like I wish to defend them or anything but scooter are hardly the low point of dance music. Even DJ Sammy and Basshunter are pretty tame, the worst dance music is probably some sloppy eurobeat nonsense. I'm probably being hypocritical as I doubt the outside observer would be able to understand how the stupid european futurepop and EBM that I fucking adore.

Also what is particularly bad about that Black Widow song? I mean, by prog standards.

There's plenty of stupider prog stuff. Absolutely everything by Aphrodite's Child for example.

Also whenever I think of 'Come to the Sabbat' I think of this song and no bad thoughts can arise.

valley_parade · « **Reply #45 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 09:45 »

The worst song ever is anything from Animal Collective's entire discography. Proven fact.

the_pied_piper · « **Reply #46 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 10:54 »

Quote from: Inlander on 25 Feb 2010, 05:31

This thread's basically just that "best song" thread all over again, except with terrible music. Let's talk about our favourite Mountain Goats songs for a while instead!

I think my favourite might be Hast Thou Considered the Tetrapod.

Either that or Dilaudid.

Hell, the whole of The Sunset Tree is fantastic even for Mountain Goats' standards.

KharBevNor · « **Reply #47 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 12:05 »

Quote from: Ptommydski on 25 Feb 2010, 08:08

The comical lyrics/chanting of said lyrics is some seriously Spinal Tap shit.

Yeah but, prog rock.

Patrick · « **Reply #48 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 13:19 »

Quote from: KharBevNor on 25 Feb 2010, 05:52

Quote from: David_Dovey on 25 Feb 2010, 04:00
So yeah Scooter sucks, this is truth. But do I really need to point out how using the low point of a genre to discount something as vast and varied as "dance music" is retardis in extremis?

Not like I wish to defend them or anything but scooter are hardly the low point of dance music. Even DJ Sammy and Basshunter are pretty tame

That final sentence I have quoted is so horribly inaccurate. Tame? Man, summer before 6th grade I went to this summer camp up in Lake Tahoe. Lake Tahoe is about a 6 hour drive from where I live. The entire fucking 6 hours, both there and back, were spent listening to this fucking trash.

I actually did try to murder the person who kept playing that fucking song over and over and over and over and over but I got duct taped.

amok · « **Reply #49 on:** 25 Feb 2010, 13:20 »

Quote from: KharBevNor on 25 Feb 2010, 05:52

Not like I wish to defend them or anything but scooter are hardly the low point of dance music. Even DJ Sammy and Basshunter are pretty tame, the worst dance music is probably some sloppy eurobeat nonsense. I'm probably being hypocritical as I doubt the outside observer would be able to understand how the stupid european futurepop and EBM that I fucking adore.

What's great about EBM is that even EBM fans hate 90% of it. There's such a wealth of totally identical crap out there, it's nearly as bad as synthpop. And yeah the cheese levels have to be incomprehensible to the casual observer/listener.

Still kinda love it as a concept though.

Also agreed, there is just so much terrible EDM out there, that there is no way anyone who's achieved the level of fame/notoriety that Scooter and Basshunter have managed can be the worst. Which is a shame because I'd love to be able to assert that Tiesto is the worst anything, ever, but if I'm being honest the low point of dance music was probably some euro trash shite circa 1995 that hardly anyone has heard and those that have have forgotten.

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Author Topic: The Most Ungoodly (Read 36838 times)

Ptommydski

Zingoleb

Zingoleb