Topic: children (Read 10016 times)

Allybee · « **on:** 20 Jun 2010, 16:48 »

how do you deal with a young child making a tactless/blunt remark? specifically about the way you look. clearly they don't know not to say something, but it still really stings.

for the record, I really like this child, and I know that she likes me. I just can't get what she said (and it was not nice) off of my mind. I played it cool at the time but it's really bothering me now.

Dliessmgg · « **Reply #1 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 17:14 »

Explain it nicely and they'll say it all the time, because loldongs.

OR! Say it's forbidden to say that and they'll say it even more than all the time.

jmrz · « **Reply #2 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 17:21 »

Depending on their age, children can be really really blunt with no regard for the consequences of their remarks. Once you start to get older, we start to realise that saying such things to people does end up hurting their feelings, so most of the time we just don't say them, or we phrase them in such a way that it doesn't sound so mean.

You don't say how old she is, but it could be something that she's just not realised would be hurtful. I mean there's not a lot you can really do now, depending on how long ago it was, but if it happens again maybe try and talk to her about it? (this may not work depending on how old she is though).

I am not particularly good with young children at all, so maybe talking to her might not be the best idea? I'm not sure!

Allybee · « **Reply #3 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 17:22 »

no, I know she doesn't realize it's hurtful, and the problem is not that she said it. the problem is I don't know how to let it not bother me!

jhocking · « **Reply #4 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 17:29 »

The way you deal with it is taking it out on someone else. Pay it forward!

Allybee · « **Reply #5 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 17:30 »

joe you smell like dead fish

jhocking · « **Reply #6 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 17:35 »

Is that what she said?

JD · « **Reply #7 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 17:36 »

how old is this thing? was she born before the century change or what.

sean · « **Reply #8 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 17:36 »

ally it was some punk ass kid i wound't sweat it, whatever it was the little brat said.

Lines · « **Reply #9 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 17:43 »

My usual response is, "Well that wasn't very nice." Just say that in a friendly manner and she'll realize that it wasn't a nice thing to say and hopefully will not to be so blunt in the future. Kids grow out of that stage, usually, and if they don't, that's when you just tell them to follow the golden rule or to shut the fuck up.

Allybee · « **Reply #10 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 17:55 »

Quote from: jhocking on 20 Jun 2010, 17:35

Is that what she said?

nope, you just smell bad. JAYKAYyyyyyy

born in the 2000s. really little!

I just feel stupid that I have such a fragile self image that it is easily conquered by a young child

Alex C · « **Reply #11 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 18:04 »

Yeah, like Linds said, you gotta suck it up and accept that the world is their guinea pig until they grow out of it. As adults, our job is to provide appropriate feedback so they get their bearings as soon as possible and can start connecting with people. Luckily, this just means you have to act natural for the most part. If they make you want to smile, smile, if they want to make you frown, then frown. They may not have the empathy tools yet to really, truly give a crap about what their words do to people, but that'll come with time as they see what kinds of reactions words are capable of provoking. Since this kid likes you a hurt expression next time may teach her more than you would expect. As long as you avoid throwing big ol' hissy fits over what they do, you should be good.

[EDIT]

Wait, I guess I missed the part where it's how the remark is still bothering you that is really the problem. I guess I can't really relate there. I've been pretty much immune to mundane criticism ever since my therapist once dropped an offhanded remark that made me aware of new, unexplored things to feel insecure about. In a way, all that obsessing really did get my mind off my screwed up family and their borderline impossible expectations. Way to go, Dr. Minear.

Slick · « **Reply #12 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 18:43 »

Yeah Ally I know the feeling of being worried days later about one off-hand thing someone not important said one time. Someone once said that I smelled and it bothered me for ages.
The solution is just to reasonable steps not to smell. People don't go around sniffing you so you ought to be fine.

David_Dovey · « **Reply #13 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 20:14 »

Maybe she wants people to smell her did you ever think of that huh James

sean · « **Reply #14 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 20:34 »

dovey would you like me to smell you? is that what yr trying to say here?

David_Dovey · « **Reply #15 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 20:50 »

Not everything is about you sean

scarred · « **Reply #16 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 20:51 »

Quote from: David_Dovey on 20 Jun 2010, 20:50

Not everything is about you sean but this time it is so drink deep

Graphite · « **Reply #17 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 20:55 »

The only thing worse than your little brother (about 7 years old at the time) telling you you're fat is your little brother starting to make a joke about your squishy tummy and then backtracking furiously and looking embarrassed.

KvP · « **Reply #18 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 22:30 »

Politely tell your little friend that in some cultures, a woman with a strong fragrance is respected and revered. Then you give them a purple nurple.

Metope · « **Reply #19 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 22:36 »

I remember once when I was visiting my little brother in the kindergarten when I was 15, a little girl started crying because she thought my sparkly teeth were so pretty, she also wanted sparkly teeth. I had braces. It was hilarious.

Another time I was walking on my way to school a little boy asked me "Why are your boobs so small?". Fun!

David_Dovey · « **Reply #20 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 23:10 »

Seriously though why

ViolentDove · « **Reply #21 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 23:31 »

I small child once told me I smelled like fish.

To be fair, I worked at a fishmongers at the time, so they were entirely correct.

The moral to the story is get a job at a fishmongers.

Duchess Tapioca · « **Reply #22 on:** 20 Jun 2010, 23:41 »

This is a problem for me all the time! When I was a few years younger, it really bothered me, but I got use to it. Often kids just tell the truth, sometimes the truth hurts, but it is just the truth. That is the best part about kids, usually they aren't malicious, and when they are actually trying to be, it doesn't work very well. (i.e. I don't like subtraction, it's stooopid, you're stooopid because you like subtraction! It just doesn't really hurt. Sorry kids.)

Another thing you can do (besides getting older) is work with more kids! I find that when I spend time with hundreds of the little buggers, just 5 saying something that I really wished wasn't true isn't so bothersome. I tell my self that they are all perfect vessels of honesty, so the others just didn't notice!

Also eventually you may get a kid that says something mean to you in a nice way. I always get "you have a small head" I did not think my head was small until I started being around mass quantities of children, but whatever, they said so. Anyways, this one kid hands me his book to check out and said in so many words (we're ignoring bad sentence structure, rambling and a little bit of a lisp) "Do people tell you you have a small head"? Me: Yes they do! "Well it's okay because everyone is different and that makes you special." He was trying to make me feel better after insulting me a little. It was sweet!

Third, work with someone who has some kind of severe autism. Here are some questions I get repeated to me in a loop throughout an 8 hour day, and no longer bother me:

Q: "Do you drive?"
Internal Monologe: (Yes damnit, that is how I got here, you saw me drive here, and I answered this question 2 minutes ago)
A: "Yes I do"

Q: "Can I drive?"
IM: (Oh god I hope not.)
A: "No, you have to be 16 to drive, and you have to be able to read"

Q: "Would I catch the car on fire?"
IM: (What??? How? ....Maybe.)
A: "No, you wouldn't."

Repeat above on loop until distracted.

Q: Do you have a boyfriend?
IM: (None of your bee's wax kid.)
A: "Yes I do."

Comment, said with his eyes closed and hand out for a hand shake, a big improvement over the infamous boob hug that was previously standard procedure: "You're so pretty, you're a good girl."
IM: (EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW ew ew ew)
A: "Thanks."

Comment: "You're my girlfriend, we're going to get married."
IM: (Out of your league kid)
A: That's not how those things work, you have to ask someone to marry you, and that's not appropriate for school.
Follow-up comment: *confused face*

Comment: "Brianna is my girlfriend. I have three girlfriends."
IM: (Yeah I was just talking to Brianna, she was trying really hard to ignore you.)
A: Girlfriends are for when you are older, and you should only have one at a time.
Follow-up comment: *confused face*

Q: Are you pregnant? Do you want kids? Will they be annoying?
IM: (I see why you would think that....)
A: No.

Q: "Are you ticklish?"
IM: (I am so glad I always stand more than arm's length away)
A: "No. It's not appropriate to ask that at school."
Follow up question: "Will I get beat up?"
IM: (If you keep asking that guy in the park...)
A: "No, it's not what we do to our friends or adults."
Question to the kid sitting next to him: "Are you ticklish?"
(Sigh.)

Then there was that time where I was unemployed...
Q: "Do you have a job? Do you have a house? Do you live with your mom? Do you have a dog? Do you have a robot? Do you want a dog?"
IM: (Sigh.)
A: No.

(The school is next to a graveyard)
Q: Is your mom dead?
IM: (Not last time I talked to her.)
A: No.

Q: Is your mom dead?
IM: (Really, she was fine yesterday.)
A: No.

Q: Is your mom dead?
IM: (Maybe I should call her.)
A: No.

Q: Is your mom dead?
IM: (...)
A: Is yours?

HiFranc · « **Reply #23 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 02:44 »

If you feel confident, inform the child in a firm but friendly way why what they've said is hurtful and should not be said. If the you don't feel confident then bring the matter to the child's parent(s) and let them/him/her deal with it.

jhocking · « **Reply #24 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 05:45 »

Quote from: Duchess Tapioca on 20 Jun 2010, 23:41

I find that when I spend time with hundreds of the little buggers, just 5 saying something that I really wished wasn't true isn't so bothersome. I tell my self that they are all perfect vessels of honesty, so the others just didn't notice!

Warning: This plan could easily backfire. They could all notice. In fact, they could gang up.

Of course, if it's that noticeable, perhaps it's best if it's highlighted for you. That which does not kill you etc.

pen · « **Reply #25 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 06:40 »

my 5-yr old godson pointed out to me a couple months ago "auntie rae, you're tummy's getting FAT!" and I told him it wasn't very nice to say and he was confused and asked "why isn't it nice? it IS getting fat!!" and at that point, i really just had to laugh. i think that's the only way to not let it really get to you since they don't know any better. it evens out with the times they compliment you in hilarious ways.... my daughter, at a bbq at an old friend's house, "mama, i like your big boobs!!!" really, you win some, you lose some.

Graphite · « **Reply #26 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 06:52 »

Relevant.

JD · « **Reply #27 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 08:11 »

kids who make fun of me for not having a Ipod Touch are a real pain in the ass though.

Blue Kitty · « **Reply #28 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 12:37 »

When I asked my niece if she loved me she told me she did not, but after I told her that she would not get any presents for her birthday she said that she loved me.

jhocking · « **Reply #29 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 13:06 »

In other words you taught her to lie in order to get what she wants.

Blue Kitty · « **Reply #30 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 13:11 »

Oh no, she already learned that from her mother.

Buttfranklin · « **Reply #31 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 13:50 »

My friend in grade school had a little sister they adopted from China. She liked me a lot. But one time I was watching a movie with my friend on the couch. She was four years old and had their clunky old mobile phone (the 90s ones that were made out of giant off-white plastic and glow in the dark buttons) in her hand. She approached me, got my attention, and then whacked me in the face as hard as she could with the giant, heavy plastic phone. I got a black eye for days. I said, "Ow! Why did you do that!"

And she just shrugged, and gave me an innocent look and goes... "I dunno."

I wasn't upset or anything, but her parents punished her and got her to apologize. She must have figured out what she did was not cool at all since she was crying and going, "I'm so sorry, ~~Christopher~~ Buttfranklin, I didn't mean to hit you." And I just smiled and said, "It's fine, just don't... Do it again, ok?" And she nodded, still struggling to hold back her tears. Then I got to tell her to tell me one of those ridiculous stories that four years old make up where only half the words are understandable, and the other half aren't connected to what's just been said in any way whatsoever. I love those stories.

Anyway, to the OP: don't beat yourself up over being bothered by what another person said to you that hurt you. It just means you're a sensitive person, which is a good thing... Mostly. You still need a thick skin, of course, and not take everything everybody says to heart. But it's also good to be able to be sensitive to what other people say, whether it's nice or not.

Emaline · « **Reply #32 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 14:31 »

Quote from: Graphite on 21 Jun 2010, 06:52

Relevant.

God. This article. Ugh. I'm cool with teaching your child to accept themselves and others the way they are, but to put "campaigns against obesity" in the same area as "fashion magazines" as bad influences, I've gotta gag a little. Teaching your child that it's 100% alright and perfect to be overweight is not what I'd called healthy. Teach them that yeah, if you are overweight, ok, it'll not the end of the world, but that being overweight is not healthy and that you should try to improve yourself, for your god damn health. I would never tell my kids that I'm fat and that is a good thing. I'd say I'm fat and I do need to exercise and that over eating is not a good thing. If my kid asked me if I was fat because I'd eat too much, I'd say "yeah, and I should really look out for that." and if they asked me why, I'd explain that its not healthy.

I don't feel like what she did in responding to her child's question was bad, but I do feel like this, is not the message you really want to send:

Quote

I know I’ll be competing with every fashion magazine, every commercial, every airbrushed images, campaign against obesity, and every one of my children’s peers who are getting the exact opposite message at home.

Yeah, try to teach your kids that fashion magazines aren't really the place to get your body ideals, but I don't think that it's fair to say that campaigns against obesity are bad.

ETA:
As for Ally, uh....suck it up. I mean, it was a kid. Maybe you were wearing a deodorant that the kid didn't like. Maybe she prefers the smell of earthworms to poises. Whatever. She's a kid. Kids say things all the time. They don't mean anything by it. Just explain, hey thats not very nice to say. And then you know....bathe every once in awhile. Seriously though, if you think that :hey maybe I do smell" try to change that. Or whatever it is the kid said to you. But keep in mind, shes a kid and meant nothing by it.

Zingoleb · « **Reply #33 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 14:42 »

My mother told me today that when was pregnant with me, a little kid asked why she was so fat. She explained she had a baby growing in her tummy, so the kid asked, "So what's growing in your butt?"

jhocking · « **Reply #34 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 15:42 »

Scandanavian War Machine · « **Reply #35 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 16:37 »

I work in a gymnastics center and used to have dreadlocks, so, needless to say, I was told that I looked like a girl almost every day.

thankfully I've never really cared what people thought of me (espescially children; they are just stupider versions of people, and most people are inconsiderate sassholes)

p.s. "sasshole" might be my new favorite word

McTaggart · « **Reply #36 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 22:52 »

Joe I spent like five minutes trying to click with my index finger before I noticed that that's not how you're doing it in the picture. The way your index finger is hidden in the first one threw me off completely.

Lunchbox · « **Reply #37 on:** 21 Jun 2010, 23:38 »

I can't click at all. Or whistle. Or fart with my armpit.
It's quite depressing really.

David_Dovey · « **Reply #38 on:** 22 Jun 2010, 03:40 »

I literally forced myself to learn how to click when it became a Thing among my friends to click after high-fiving. Still can't whistle though

Metope · « **Reply #39 on:** 22 Jun 2010, 03:45 »

I was a really good whistler as a kid, but when I got braces i just couldn't do it anymore. I can now, but only barely.

Eris · « **Reply #40 on:** 22 Jun 2010, 03:52 »

I had to relearn how to whistle when I got my vertical labret. Then I had to relearn again once I changed my bar to a shorter one, because the ball would block the airflow.