I am so goddamned exhausted. I don't want to get up in the mornings to go to work, the very act of coming here fills me with anger, and just having to deal with this bullshit infuriates me more every damned day. by the time I get home, I'm so emotionally drained I don't want to finish my novel (just two bloody chapters to go, and it's been that way for a month) and I don't even have the energy to turn my resume into the self-aggrandizing bullshit US companies feed on.
It's six weeks after my review, so I had a "follow up" first thing this morning. Just the thing to set the mood! I had to self-flagellate myself and write a performance plan to show how I intended to meet the "objectives" they had set for me six weeks ago, when they dangled the promotion and raise I was due after all the hard work I've put in. Slightly out of chronological order, but on Tuesday I got sent an email criticizing my calm approach to a meeting as "disengaged and toxic," so you can imagine I was not and remain very unhappy. The performance plan was the first time I've absolutely hated something I've written. It still feels like poison seeping into my fingers, because so much of it is just distortions and me doing my best to avoid the fake enthusiasm they want me to show for every stupid idea they come up with. I cannot fake enthusiasm. Fake enthusiasm is not in my job requirements and worse, makes it harder for me to tell when I'm done with work and when I'm finally able to be myself and be at rest.
Performance plan was received well, which just made me even more cynical, but the clincher (expected for weeks) was that I did not get my due. Instead, it's something that they'll keep on considering, so I'm on probation because I'm not faking enthusiasm for what is a tedious, miserable affair. Oh, and they're going to give me even MORE work to do that's far above my pay grade and title.
I'm stuck here while one of my best friends spouts the miserable shit I have to deal with on a daily basis as things I have to do to get a new job. The words feel toxic, not because of intent, but because being able to see through all those veneers and see what the real deal is awful.