Thirded (and the relocation bit seems strictly optional)
Conceding the point about relocation being optional. But the experience is more intense if you also uproot yourself from your homestead.
I didn't get to that part until my first postdoc, but I'm absolutely ready to take your word on the intensity-bit.
And that's before accounting for the "proneness for monomania" that comes with my particular brand of congenital non-standard neurology ...
I speak no psychobabble. Can some kind soul confirm my suspicion that this is a generalization of graduate students' creed: "We are proud to be a math nerds! We are proud to work 80+hours per week." (implying that we look down on the peers who don't)
Errrhnope - I live with (I refuse to say "I suffer ...") a
neurological disorder called
ADD (
"predominantly inattentive subtype" - though there's controversy about the usefulness of the whole subtype-idea, here I'll use "ADD" as meaning the former, "ADHD" as meaning
"predominantly hyperactive/impulsive subtype" and "AD(H)D" when I refer to all three subtypes) since my birth (hence the 'congenital'), and have been wrestling with
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for more than two decades (though it's been a while since I last experienced acute
'Brainlock'; these days it's more like general anxiety and what is called
"ruminations" - and with the SNRI's I get for that one, the anxiety is manageable).
ADD is a
congenital (neuro-)
developmental disorder (language disorders, learning disorders, motor disorders and autism spectrum disorders, ADD/ADHD ...) and people who were born with those specific flavours of borked headmeat are referred to as 'neuro
atypical' (as opposed to the 'neurotypical', i.e. the rest of humanity. "Born this way", so to speak ...
). Contrary to what many people in the 80s believed (including my family's physician), AD(H)D does not only afflict children - roughly one third of those diagnosed with AD(H)D in childhood
"continue to experience significant symptoms into adulthood", and I am part of that third.
OCD, too, can by traced to a dysfunction of a part of the brain called
caudate nucleus (in my understanding, the CN is part of the brain's internal 'taskmanager' - the part that adds a "done"-flag to a thought-process. But that's layperson-talk), so all the talk about neurosis notwithstanding, the root of OCD is also organic, i.e. neurological. Furthermore, I vaguely remember reading about speculation that when AD(H)D and OCD appear together, the former sort of 'induces' the latter - makes sense to me, since my most long-lasting intrusive thoughts revolve(d) around functioning and executive functioning, which touches on the areas where I'm
"non-standard" ->
"Am I even talented enough to understand math?" was a longtime
tormentor companion (After the second advanced degree with high honours, it started feeling a little out of place, I guess
), more recently, it's cousin
"You really sure there's no sign-change in that exponent? You only checked three times - maybe spend another three weeks checking the whole thing with Mathematica?" is applying for "resident torturer", despite my insistence that the position is no longer available (
"Thank the Lord for Serotonine re-uptake inhibitors!")
ADD is basically about
focus control : Nothing wrong with my
ability to focus - in fact, like many people with ADD, I can access
hyperfocus (and with medication, I can 'control' that state ... in the broadest sense of 'control'). The problem of the ADDer is
controlling focus - my 'gaspedal' basically only knows the settings 'idle' and 'flank speed ahead' (and 'Are you nuts?', sometimes), and the latter highly depends on factors like 'interest in the topic' and carefully balancing
eustress and distress (Trouble is that most employers don't really appreciate
'This stuff is simply too boring for me to perform well' as an explanation for underachievement, even if it's the literal, scientifically proven truth). I'm basically
built for
"panicked last-minute binge-learning", because anxiety is stimulating, which kicks in the hyperfocus. But that's kinda hit-and-miss, too: Miss the
"stress-balance", and instead of
"alert & driven, but not yet paralysed by fear", you end up
really focussed on how royally screwed you are. That 'system' worked in school and the first semesters of Uni, but brute force sprint-learning simply doesn't cut it past a certain point - not to mention that it's not by any means
enjoyable, even for a young person. I used to call that particular semiconscious mindgames-with-myself-but-pretending-not-to-notice
"getting before the breaking wave", like a surfer getting into a 'tunnel' - with the implication that you'll be treated to a good trashing at best if you miscalculate and fall behind. There is a theory that AD(H)D might be related to an evolutionary adaptation in hunter-gatherer societies; I get where they're coming from (afaik, lots of folk with AD
HD
seriously enjoy extreme sports), but that one always felt a little too neat for me - either way, that's about as 'enjoyable' as that strategy of 'freaking yourself out just short of panicking' is: Like hunting a (dangerous) animal. When it works, it's a blast for a few seconds, but the rest of the time, it means
constant anxiety to keep the guilt and self-doubt company (Nice to fantasise that my neurology would make me Mr. Big-swinging-cod-Mammoth-hunter in a stone age tribe - trouble is, it's not the Holocene anymore ...).
The only other thing that works longtime is stimulant medication - and tons of therapy for the OCD and the after-effects of decades of guilt, anxiety and crippling self-doubt (One of the nasty things about ADD is that you
know that you underperform, but you have no proof in the form of grades, and as much as any parent would like to believe their academically struggling offspring that they're really much smarter than their grades ... which struggling student
wouldn't like to believe that they're much smarter than their grades? I
have been dismissed by a psychiatrist as
"giving myself ideas above my station/intelligence" when I was 12 and seeking help - sadly, that sick asshole is dead, so I can't make him eat a copy of my PhD-evaluation along with his words. Before reporting him to the "Ärtztekammer" ...)
And OCD ... well it's not called
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder because it's conducive to a regular and steady working/learning style, know what I mean? The resulting working/learning style I ended up with is ... not really standard. I have to use the tools I was given, I can't simply be someone I'm not. Stimulant medication for ADD doesn't make the ADD go away, it's more that it
"makes the ADD go all the way until it works" (that's the way it feels, at least). And I'm still kind of a obsessive/compulsive
character, even now that I'm
"kindasorta cured".
Part of that strategy is
"slow down to go faster" - painful, straightforward working against the disorders (e.g. like forcing myself to "think slowly and step by step" which my ADD-brain isn't really fond of. I've gone as far as making myself copying/extending a lecture in longhand just to force myself to "slow down") and part of it is trying to kind of 'harness' the strengths implicit in the disorders where they're useful: Sticking to rituals e.g. is really soothing, even if they're not the rituals your OCD wants to force you into - like tricking a kid by sweetening medicine that tastes bad. Especially when aided by medication, adhering to step-by-step "slow thinking" and simultaneous documentation has the side-effect that I can keep the whole calculation in my long-term memory (ADD is associated with weakened working memory) - at which point my proneness to associations and intuitive leaps turns from a weakness (association + weak short-term memory => distractability/loosing train of thought) into a strength (creativity, being good at making connections, seeing stuff that others overlook). But I need either medication for that, or meticulous, long-term preparation. I've heard that Actor Jim Caviziel, one of the
"no meds, just working out and working through it"-faction, operates in a similar fashion: Meticulous preparation, in all levels of detail. Makes sense to me: I'm really, really bad at prioritizing, but when I 'simply'
work through all the details, I have a mental model I can 'walk around in' and my ADD becomes an advantage. Sort of
"Your working memory is weak and your shit at realtime prioritizing? That sucks. Here's pen & paper - your long-term memory is perfectly fine, and you don't need to prioritize in real-time if you write it all down". It's a strategy that nobody with a neurotypical brain would even think of trying - but there's tasks where this method not only compensates for the disorders, but actually gives me an edge.
And
on top of that, I took to the
"You're leaving? It's not even 8 pm!"-school of thought of getting a PhD that you mentioned above like a
duck takes to water very anxious PhD-student whose advisor was one of those wunderkinder who finished his PhD in 18 months, got his Dr.Habil at 27, and considered stuff like
"We'll limit your contract to two years initially - that should help motivate you" as helpful employer/employee interaction.
P.S.: Skewbrow? I think you're good people, but I'm not really cool with words like 'psychobabble', and especially not in the context of mental health trouble that cost me decades of heart-, and headache. Neither am I cool with the suggestion (or suspicion) that it might not exist at all. My headmeat stuff is not as difficult to deal with as that which many, many other people hereabouts live with daily - like autism spectrum disorders, major depression, or psychosis - and as far as I understand it, it's a walk in the park compared to gender dysphoria, but it's certainly not nothing, or 'psychobabble'. Or a generalization of what normal people do (not even for NatSci grad-student values of 'normal'). Both conditions were diagnosed by experienced mental health professionals, not the oft-cited "1st semester psych major bloke I met on Tumblr". Both conditions are listed in the "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" - one requirement for the entry into that manual is that the condition "causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning". In other words: "No fun at all".
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Topic: WCDT Strips 3656-3660 (15th to 19th January 2018) (Read 44380 times)