This may amuse you, real, genuine mail logs from two utterly demented people. It really does make no sense. :
From : "Welsh Bastard"
To : "English Shite"
Subject : Arseface : A Norfolk Tosspot's Story
Showing tonight on Channel 5 at 10pm, including obligatory soft porn shagging sequences... I was thinking perhaps of something in the nacho's vein, I could really murder some nachos actually.
From : "English Shite"
To : "Welsh Bastard"
Subject : Re: Whittingham : A Norfolk Tosspot's Story
I hope you realise the gratuitous murder of nachos is still a hanging offence in this country. Meh, I'm willing to risk it if you are.
Obligatory soft porn shagging sequences? Who's been talking? Oh yes, i forgot who you were 'chatting' to all last night, heh heh. Speaking of which, quite a rumour-mill this place isnt it? Peoples lives really must be that devoid of meaning, ah well, big brother 4 starts soon, that'll shut 'em up.
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From : "Welsh Bastard"
To : "English Shite"
Subject :The Infinite Jizz Wobble Of Crack Alley
No, I don't know what that means either. Maybe I should consider therapy, or trepanning, whatever. Anyway there is a purpose to all this, I was rather hoping that you could find time in your busy schedule of sitting in work surfing the net and going to the gym to ogle fit women to possibly visit tescos at some point to purchase tonights substinence. Please. Adios and suchlike.
Matt
P.S I have also been known to smoke crack. And I like to rape squirrels. garkrakrarkakr make the bad men stop...
From : "English Shite"
To : "Welsh Bastard"
Subject : Re: The Infinite Jizz Wobble Of Crack Alley
You pissed up crack whore! I'm not buying you any food, why dont you go and get some yourself, instead of sitting on your skinny ass all day and arguing with vino. I, believe it or not, have better things to do than pander to your every whim! That, and providing you with 'substinence'. Whatever that is.
The Infinite Jizz Wobble Of Crack Alley. Hahahahahahahahahaha, you truly are a genius in your own time sir.
From : "Welsh Bastard"
To : "English Shite"
Subject :Jam and Crack make Matt want to Spack
Curse you sir, I demand that to pander to my whimsy immediately or I shall arrange for my good friend Bubba to 'visit' you. Anyway, I would appreciate you getting food, I'm trying to do OpenG fucking L work andtheres trigonometyr and maths and programming and Micro fucking shiteand stupid fucking cocksucking vector classes and wank ass object fuckwad oriented cunting programming. I'm going to cry now. Make the pain stop. Numbers and stuff make Matt's brain hurt. Weee. Wahahha.Splorch. I'm not drunk. Or stoned. And I most certainly have NOT been smoking crack out of a rodents ass. Food. Please.
From : "English Shite"
To : "Welsh Bastard"
Subject : Re: Jam and Crack make Matt want to Spack
Consider your whimsy pandered to. Such an amusing display of what one can achieve with a random combination of letters and obscenities is truly a wonder to behold, and can sway even my conceited attitude. Although i very much doubt any openg-fucking-l work is taking place, I shall buy your precious food. I do, however, wish for renumeration. I have yet to decide upon the form this renumeration will take, but needless to say, rectal violation will be involved.
What kind of food do you desire?
Dear holy fucking christ alive i was pissed on monday night. It keeps hiting me in a cliched made-for-tv-movie flashback style.
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From : "English Shite"
To : "Welsh Bastard"
Subject : Who dares disturb my nacho feast!
Greetings good sir, how fares life in the turbulent world of your troubled, angsty soul(assuming you have one of course). Hope it's all good baby, yeah yeah, to the max. Freep-pong. All that jazz.
Anyway, there must have beenapoint to this, though i've forgotten what it was, damn im good. Ah well, onto other things...............
There arent any really. This is actually a completely pointless mail, even more so than usual. Must.......find......purpose....
err, i'll probably go for a swim tonite for the first time in ages, so have my dinner ready by 7ish, bitch. Oooooh, you like that ordering about thing, dont you? hmmm? Argh, help, ive finally had one croissant too many and I've snapped. Get me some booze, or a danish supermodel. Or both.
Hurrah!
Chick-chicky-boom chick-chicky-boom chick-chicky-boom.
Did you slip some superstrength hash into my nachos?
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